My father owns a hardware store in a regional city. He livesthere with my mother and my younger brother, who willprobably take over when my father retires or dies. My oldersister died at the age of forty as a result of medicalincompetence. When it happened, my mother did not get outof bed for two weeks, except to attend the funeral. I was verysad about my sister’s death. Yes, I was angry too.
My father and I have an effective but not emotionalrelationship.
This is satisfactory to both of us. My mother is very caring butI find her stifling2. My brother does not like me. I believe this isbecause he saw me as a threat to his dream of inheriting thehardware store and now does not respect my alternativechoice. The hardware store may well have been a metaphorfor the affection of our father. If so, my brother won, but Iam not unhappy about losing. I do not see my family veryoften. My mother calls me on Sundays.
182/290I had an uneventful time at school. I enjoyed the sciencesubjects. I did not have many friends and was briefly3 theobject of bullying4. I was the top student in the school in allsubjects except English, where I was the top boy. At the endof my schooling5 I left home to attend university. I originallyenrolled in computer science, but on my twenty-first birthdaymade a decision to change to genetics. This may have beenthe result of a subconscious7 desire to remain a student, but itwas a logical choice. Genetics was a burgeoning9 field. There isno family history of mental illness.
I turned towards Rosie and smiled. I had already told herabout my sister and the bullying. The statement about mentalillness was correct, unless I included myself in the definition of‘family’. Somewhere in a medical archive is a twenty-year-oldfile with my name and the words ‘depression, bipolar disorder10?
OCD?’ and ‘schizophrenia?’ The question marks are important– beyond the obvious observation that I was depressed11, nodefinitive diagnosis12 was ever made, despite attempts by thepsychiatric profession to fit me into a simplistic category. I nowbelieve that virtually all my problems could be attributed to mybrain being configured differently from those of the majority ofhumans. All the psychiatric symptoms were a result of this, notof any underlying13 disease. Of course I was depressed: I lackedfriends, sex and a social life, due to being incompatible14 withother people. My intensity15 and focus were misinterpreted asmania. And my concern with organisation16 was labelled asobsessive-compulsive disorder. Julie’s Asperger’s kids might wellface similar problems in their lives.
However, they had been labelled with an underlying syndrome,and perhaps the psychiatric profession would be intelligentenough to apply Occam’s razor and see that the problems theymight face would be largely due to their Asperger’s brainconfiguration.
‘What happened on your twenty-first birthday?’ asked Rosie.
183/290Had Rosie read my thoughts? What happened on mytwenty-first birthday was that I decided17 that I needed to take anew direction in my life, because any change was better thanstaying in the pit of depression. I actually visualised it as a pit.
I told Rosie part of the truth. I don’t generally celebratebirthdays, but my family had insisted in this case and hadinvited numerous friends and relatives to compensate18 for myown lack of friends.
My uncle made a speech. I understood that it was traditionalto make fun of the guest of honour, but my uncle became soencouraged by his ability to provoke laughter that he keptgoing, telling story after story. I was shocked to discover thathe knew some extremely personal facts, and realised that mymother must have shared them with him.
She was pulling at his arm, trying to get him to stop, but heignored her, and did not stop until he noticed that she wascrying by which time he had completed a detailed19 exposition ofmy faults and of the embarrassment20 and pain that they hadcaused. The core of the problem, it seemed, was that I was astereotypical computer geek. So I decided to change.
‘To a genetics geek,’ said Rosie.
‘That wasn’t exactly my goal.’ But it was obviously the outcome.
And I got out of the pit to work hard in a new discipline.
Where was dinner?
‘Tell me more about your father.’
‘Why?’ I wasn’t actually interested in why. I was doing thesocial equivalent of saying ‘over’ to put the responsibility backon Rosie. It was a trick suggested by Claudia for dealing21 withdifficult personal questions. I recalled her advice not to overuseit. But this was the first occasion.
‘I guess because I want to see if your dad is the reasonyou’re fucked-up.’
‘I’m not fucked-up.’
184/290‘Okay, not fucked-up. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be judgmental.
But you’re not exactly average,’ said Rosie, psychology22 PhDcandidate.
‘Agreed. Does “fucked-up” mean “not exactly average”?’
‘Bad choice of words. Start again. I guess I’m asking becausemy father is the reason that I’m fucked-up.’
An extraordinary statement. With the exception of her carelessattitude to health, Rosie had never exhibited any sign of brainmalfunction.
‘What are the symptoms of being fucked-up?’
‘I’ve got crap in my life that I wish I hadn’t. And I’m notgood at dealing with it. Am I making sense?’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Unwanted events occur and you lackcertain skills for minimising the personal impact. I thought whenyou said“fucked-up” that there was some problem with your personalitythat you wanted to rectify23.’
‘No, I’m okay with being me.’
‘So what is the nature of the damage caused by Phil?’
Rosie did not have an instant reply to this critical question.
Perhaps this was a symptom of being fucked-up. Finally shespoke. ‘Jesus, what’s taking them so long with dinner?’
Rosie went to the bathroom, and I took the opportunity tounwrap the presents that Gene6 and Claudia had given me.
They had driven me to the airport, so it was impossible not toaccept the packages. It was fortunate that Rosie was notwatching when I opened them. Gene’s present was a newbook of sexual positions and he had inscribed24 it: ‘In case yourun out of ideas.’ He had drawn25 the gene symbol that he usesas his signature underneath26. Claudia’s present was notembarrassing, but was irrelevant27 to the trip – a pair of jeansand a shirt. Clothes are always useful, but I had alreadypacked a spare shirt, and did not see a need for additionaltrousers in only eight days.
185/290Gene had again misconstrued the current nature of myrelationship with Rosie, but this was understandable. I could notexplain the real purpose for taking Rosie to New York andGene had made an assumption consistent with his world view.
On the way to the airport, I had asked Claudia for advice ondealing with so much time in the company of one person.
‘Remember to listen,’ said Claudia. ‘If she asks you anawkward question, ask her why she’s asking. Turn it back toher. If she’s a psychology student, she’ll love talking aboutherself. Take notice of your emotions as well as logic8. Emotionshave their own logic. And try to go with the flow.’
In fact, Rosie spent most of the remainder of the flight to LosAngeles either sleeping or watching films, but confirmed – twice–that I had not offended her and she just needed time out.
I did not complain.
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1
psychiatrist
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| n.精神病专家；精神病医师 | |
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stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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bullying
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| v.恐吓，威逼( bully的现在分词 )；豪；跋扈 | |
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schooling
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| n.教育；正规学校教育 | |
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gene
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| n.遗传因子，基因 | |
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subconscious
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| n./adj.潜意识(的)，下意识(的) | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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burgeoning
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| adj.迅速成长的，迅速发展的v.发芽，抽枝( burgeon的现在分词 )；迅速发展；发（芽），抽（枝） | |
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disorder
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| n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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diagnosis
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| n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断 | |
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underlying
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| adj.在下面的，含蓄的，潜在的 | |
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incompatible
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| adj.不相容的，不协调的，不相配的 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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organisation
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| n.组织，安排，团体，有机休 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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compensate
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| vt.补偿，赔偿；酬报 vi.弥补；补偿；抵消 | |
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detailed
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| adj.详细的，详尽的，极注意细节的，完全的 | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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psychology
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| n.心理，心理学，心理状态 | |
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rectify
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| v.订正，矫正，改正 | |
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inscribed
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| v.写，刻( inscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；内接 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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irrelevant
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| adj.不恰当的，无关系的，不相干的 | |
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