MEGAN

THURSDAY, MARCH 7, 2013
AFTERNOON
The room is dark, the air close, sweet with the smellof us. We’re at the Swan again, in the room underthe eaves. It’s different, though, because he’s stillhere, watching me.
“Where do you want to go?” he asks me.
“A house on the beach on the Costa de la Luz,” Itell him.
He smiles. “What will we do?”
I laugh. “You mean apart from this?”
His fingers are tracing slowly over my belly¹. “Apartfrom this.”
“We’ll open a café, show art, learn to surf.”
He kisses me on the tip of my hip² bone. “Whatabout Thailand?” he says.
I wrinkle my nose. “Too many gap-year kids. Sicily,”
I say. “The Egadi islands. We’ll open a beach bar, gofishing?.?.?.”
He laughs again and then moves his body up overmine and kisses me. “Irresistible³,” he mumbles⁴.
“You’re irresistible.”
I want to laugh, I want to say it out loud: See? Iwin! I told you it wasn’t the last time, it’s neverthe last time. I bite my lip and close my eyes. I wasright, I knew I was, but it won’t do me any good tosay it. I enjoy my victory silently; I take pleasure init almost as much as in his touch.
Afterwards, he talks to me in a way he hasn’t donebefore. Usually I’m the one doing all the talking, butthis time he opens up. He talks about feeling empty,about the family he left behind, about the womanbefore me and the one before that, the one whowrecked his head and left him hollow. I don’t believein soul mates, but there’s an understanding betweenus that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not fora long time. It comes from shared experience, fromknowing how it feels to be broken.
Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believethat there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’swhat I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holesin your life are permanent. You have to grow aroundthem, like tree roots around concrete; you mouldyourself through the gaps. All these things I know,but I don’t say them out loud, not now.
“When will we go?” I ask him, but he doesn’tanswer me, and I fall asleep, and he’s gone when Iwake up.
FRIDAY, MARCH 8, 2013
MORNING
Scott brings me coffee on the terrace.
“You slept last night,” he says, bending down to kissmy head. He’s standing⁵ behind me, hands on myshoulders, warm and solid. I lean my head backagainst his body, close my eyes and listen to thetrain rumbling⁶ along the track until it stops just infront of the house. When we first moved here, Scottused to wave at the passengers, which always mademe laugh. His grip tightens⁷ a little on my shoulders;he leans forward and kisses my neck.
“You slept,” he says again. “You must be feelingbetter.”
“I am,” I say.
“Do you think it’s worked, then?” he asks. “Thetherapy?”
“Do I think I’m fixed⁸, do you mean?”
“Not fixed,” he says, and I can hear the hurt in hisvoice. “I didn’t mean?.?.?.”
“I know.” I lift my hand to his and squeeze. “I wasonly joking. I think it’s a process. It’s not simple, youknow? I don’t know if there will be a time when Ican say that it’s worked. That I’m better.”
There’s a silence, and he grips just a little harder.
“So you want to keep going?” he asks, and I tell himI do.
There was a time when I thought he could beeverything, he could be enough. I thought that foryears. I loved him completely. I still do. But I don’twant this any longer. The only time I feel like me ison those secret, febrile afternoons like yesterday,when I come alive in all that heat and half-light.
Who’s to say that once I run, I’ll find that isn’tenough? Who’s to say I won’t end up feeling exactlythe way I do right now—not safe, but stifled⁹? MaybeI’ll want to run again, and again, and eventually I’llend up back by those old tracks, because there’snowhere left to go. Maybe. Maybe not. You have totake the risk, don’t you?
I go downstairs to say good-bye as he’s heading offto work. He slips his arms around my waist andkisses the top of my head.
“Love you, Megs,” he murmurs¹⁰, and I feel horriblethen, like the worst person in the world. I can’t waitfor him to shut the door because I know I’m goingto cry.

1 belly   

n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛

参考例句：

• The boss has a large belly.老板大腹便便。
• His eyes are bigger than his belly.他眼馋肚饱。

2 hip   

n.臀部，髋；屋脊

参考例句：

• The thigh bone is connected to the hip bone.股骨连着髋骨。
• The new coats blouse gracefully above the hip line.新外套在臀围线上优美地打着褶皱。

3 irresistible   

adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的

参考例句：

• The wheel of history rolls forward with an irresistible force.历史车轮滚滚向前，势不可挡。
• She saw an irresistible skirt in the store window.她看见商店的橱窗里有一条叫人着迷的裙子。

4 mumbles   

含糊的话或声音，咕哝( mumble的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• He always mumbles when he's embarrassed. 他感到难为情时说话就含糊不清了。
• When the old lady speaks she often mumbles her words. 这位老妇人说起话来常常含糊不清。

5 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

6 rumbling   

n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词

参考例句：

• The earthquake began with a deep [low] rumbling sound. 地震开始时发出低沉的隆隆声。
• The crane made rumbling sound. 吊车发出隆隆的响声。

7 tightens   

收紧( tighten的第三人称单数 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧

参考例句：

• One set of provisions tightens emission standards. 一套使排放标准更加严格的规定。 来自英汉非文学 - 环境法 - 环境法
• Requires no special tools or fittings; hand tightens to relief valve outlet. 不需要专用工具或管件；用手将其紧固到安全阀上即可。

8 fixed   

adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的

参考例句：

• Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗？
• Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定，我们就不应该随意改变。

9 stifled   

（使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵

参考例句：

• The gas stifled them. 煤气使他们窒息。
• The rebellion was stifled. 叛乱被镇压了。

10 murmurs   

n.低沉、连续而不清的声音( murmur的名词复数 )；低语声；怨言；嘀咕

参考例句：

• They spoke in low murmurs. 他们低声说着话。 来自辞典例句
• They are more superficial, more distinctly heard than murmurs. 它们听起来比心脏杂音更为浅表而清楚。 来自辞典例句