They discussed love in generalizations—in terms of life, literature and the latest play. They discussed very little else.
“When I’m married———-” he would say.
“Well?” she would encourage him, snuggling her face against her white-fox furs.
“When I am married, every day’ll be a new romance. I can live anywhere I like—that’s the beauty of being an artist. I think I shall live in Italy first, somewhere on the Bay of Naples. I and my wife” (how her eyes would twinkle when he said that!), “I and my wife will dress up every evening. We’ll have a different set of costumes for every night in the week, and we’ll dine out in an arbor3 in our little garden. Sometimes she’ll be a Dresden Shepherdess, and sometimes a Queen Guinevere, and sometimes——-”
“And won’t she ever be herself?”
“She’ll always be that, with a beauty-patch just about where you wear yours and a little curl bobbing against her neck.”
“But what’s the idea of so many costumes?”
“We shall never get used to each other; we shall always seem to be loving for the first time—beginning all afresh.—Doesn’t it attract you, Princess?”
“Me? I don’t see what I’ve got to do with it. Here’s the kind of woman you’ll marry: a nice little thing without any ambitions, who’ll think you’re a genius. You’ll live in one house forever and ever, and have a large family and go to church every Sunday. And you’ll have a dead secret that you’ll never be able to tell her, about a famous actress whom you once romped4 with in New York before she was famous.”
She had a thousand ways of turning him aside from confession5.
“Men are rotters—all men except you, Meester Deek. Poor little Fluffy6! Horace isn’t at all nice to her.”
It transpired7 on inquiry8 that Horace wasn’t at all nice to Fluffy because she was dividing her leisure between himself and Simon Freelevy.
“You see, she must,” Desire explained. “It’s business. October isn’t the success they expected—it’s too English in its atmosphere. If Freelevy likes her, he can put her into his biggest productions. Horace won’t understand that it’s business. He sulks and makes rows. That’s why I go about with her so much—her little chaperone, she calls me. Men have to be polite and can’t take advantage when a young girl is present.”
“But what does she give them in return?” Teddy asked.
Desire became cold. “Any man should feel proud to be seen in her company.”
Her way of saying it made him feel that all women were queens and all men their servitors. His idea that love-affairs ended in marriage seemed rustic9 and adolescent. To be seen in the company of a pretty face was all the reward a man ought to expect for limousines11, late suppers, tantalized12 hopes and the patient devotion of an honorable passion. He couldn’t bear that Desire should class herself with the nuns13 of pleasure, who dole10 out their lure14 as payment, and have blocks of ice where less virtuous15 women have hearts. In her scornful defense16 of Fluffy, she seemed to be building up a case for herself.
In the last extremity17, when a proposal of marriage threatened, she employed a still more effective weapon.
“Look here, Meester Deek, I like you most awfully18 and we’ve had some splendid times, but why are you stopping in America?”
He would gaze into her eyes dumbly, thinking, “Now’s my chance.”
His hesitancy would infect her with boldness. “If it’s for my sake, I’m not worth the trouble. I think you’d better go back to England. The Lusitania’s sailing tomorrow.”
Piqued20 by her assumed indifference21, he would pretend to take her at her word: “Perhaps I had better. Would you come to see me off?”
“Maybe.”
“And kiss me good-by?”
“If I felt like it.”
“Then it’s almost worth going.”
“Why don’t you?”
Once he gave her a fright They were passing The International Sleeping Car Company on Fifth Avenue. “I think I will,” he said lightly.
Entering, he made a reservation and paid the deposit money. During the next hour she was so sweet to him, so sad, that they raced back through the thickening night, arriving just as the last clerk was leaving, and canceled the booking.
“Did you mean it?” she whispered.
“Well, didn’t I?”
“But do tell me,” she pleaded. “If you don’t, I shall never be at rest.”
He slipped his arm into hers without rebuff. “Odd little, dear little Princess, was it likely?”
After that, when in this mood of self-effacement, she would insist without fear of being taken seriously that he should sail.
“If you don’t, I’ll refuse to see you ever again. But,” she would add, “that’s only if you really are stopping here on my account.”
To relieve her conscience of responsibility he would lie like a corsair, bolstering22 up the fiction that business was his sole reason for remaining.
“Then, it’s your funeral, isn’t it?”
“My funeral,” he echoed solemnly.
The Indian summer sank into a heap of ashes from which all heat was spent. November looked in with its thin-lipped mornings and its sudden pantherlike dusks. Still they wandered, separate and yet together, from the refuge of one day to the next, establishing shrines23 of habit which made them less and less dispensable to each other’s happiness. She was always darting24 ahead into the uncertain shadows, hiding, and springing out that she might test his gladness in having refound her.
Each new day was an exquisite25 wax-statue which by night had melted to formlessness in his hands. He made repeated resolutions to organize his energies. He lived im-paradised in a lethargy of fond emotions. His career was at a halt; his opportunities were slipping from him. To encourage his industry he drew up a chart of the hours in the current month that he would work. He pinned it to the wall above his desk that it might reproach him if he fell below his average. The average was never reached. The chart was tom up. His most stalwart plans were driven as mist before the breath of her lightest fancy. Not that she encroached on him by deed or word; but her memory was a delirium26 which kept him always craving27 for her presence.
“If you were to drop me to-morrow,” she told him, “you’d never hear from me. I’m like that. I shouldn’t run after you.”
She left him to place his own construction on the statement—to discover its origin in nobility or carelessness. Whichever it was, it made him the needle while she remained the magnet. When he wasn’t with her, he was waiting for her; so the hours after midnight, when he had seen her home, were the only ones free from feverishness28. His work suffered; he stole from the hours when he ought to have been in bed. He began to suspect that he was losing his confidence of touch. The suspicion was sharply confirmed when one of his commissioned articles came back with the cryptic29 intimation that it wasn’t exactly what the editor had expected. That meant the loss of five hundred dollars; what was worse, it filled him with artistic30 panic.
In the old days—the days of Life Till Twenty-one—fame had been the goal of his ambitions. He had set before his eyes, as though it were a crucifix, the austere31 aloofness32 of his father’s pure motives33. He couldn’t afford to do that any longer. He was spending lavishly34; the example of the extravagance of Fluffy’s lovers spurred his expenditures35. He didn’t care how he won Desire’s admiration36; win it he must. Unconsciously he was trying to win it with a display of generosity37. Dimly he foresaw that he was doing her an injustice38; he would have to cut down and recuperate39 the moment they were married. In preparation he painted to her the joys of simplicity40 and of life in the country. Her curl became agitated41 with merriment.
“That isn’t the way I’ve been brought up. Cottages don’t have bathrooms, and the country’s muddy except in summer. It wouldn’t suit me. And I do like to wear silk.” Then, with a shudder42: “Poverty’s so ugly. There’s only one thing worse, and that’s growing old. Please, Meester Deek, let’s talk of something else.”
She was like a child, stopping her ears with her fingers and pleading, “Please don’t tell me any more ghost-stories.” He felt sorry for her; at such times she seemed so inexperienced and young. By her misplaced valuations, she was giving life such power to hurt her. Her sophistication seemed more apparent than real—a disguise for her lack of knowledge. He wanted to comfort her against old age. If one were loved, neither poverty nor growing old mattered. He thought of Dearie and the way she had married his father, with their joint43 affection and her high belief in him for their sole assets.
There were times when Desire seemed to guess his problem.
“I wish you’d do more work. Why don’t you leave me alone to-morrow? And you oughtn’t to keep on spending and spending. I’d be just as happy if you spent less.”
The joy of her thoughtfulness gave him hope and made him the more reckless. Besides, it wasn’t possible to economize44 in her company. Her fear of the subway and her abhorrence45 of crowded surface-cars made taxis a continual necessity. Her shoes were so thin that a mile of walking tired her; her clothes were so stylish46 that she would have looked conspicuous47 in any but a fashionable setting. Her method of dress, in which he delighted, limited them both to costly48 environments. He had named her rightly years ago in calling her “Princess.”
Vashti puzzled him. She seemed to avoid him. When he visited the apartment she was out, just going out or expected back shortly. He had fugitive49 glimpses of her hurrying off to concert engagements, or going on some pleasure jaunt50 with the unexplained Mr. Dak, similar to those which he and Desire enjoyed together.
Mr. Kingston Dak was a little grasshopper51 of a man. He had lemon-colored hair, white teeth, extremely well-kept hands and was nearly forty. His littleness was evidently a sore point with him, for the heels of his shoes were built up like a woman’s. He held himself erectly52 and when others were seated he usually remained standing53. He seemed to be always in search of something to lean against which would enable him to tiptoe unobtrusively and to add another inch to his stature54. He was clean-shaven, and in appearance shy and boyish; he would have looked excellently well in clerical attire55. By hobby he was an occultist; by profession a stockbroker56. His chief topic of conversation was the superiority of Mohammedanism to Christianity.
Desire called him “King” familiarly; Vashti referred to him as “My little broker57.” Although in his early twenties he had been divorced and tattered58 by the thorns of a disastrous59 passion, neither of them seemed to regard him as dangerously masculine. They treated him as a maiden-aunt—as a pale person receiving affection in lieu of wages, expected to safeguard their comfort and to slip into a cupboard when he wasn’t wanted.
“King’s quite nice,” Desire told Teddy; “he was most awfully fond of her. His troubles have made him so understanding.”
Teddy wondered what had happened to the world that all its women had become Vestal Virgins60 and all its men unassailable St. Anthonies. He watched Mr. Dak for any sign that he remembered the days of his flesh. The little man was as perfunctory over his duties as a well-trained lackey61.
Vashti’s bearing towards himself during their brief meetings was affectionately sentimental62. There was a hint of the proprietary63 in the way she touched him, as though she regarded him already as her son. Her eyes would rest on him with veiled inquiry; she never put her question into words. She was giving him his chance, and he felt infinitely64 grateful to her—so grateful that he was blind to the unexplained situations which surrounded her. That she should allow his unchaperoned relations with Desire endowed her with broadmindedness. “Unto the pure all things are pure,” seemed the maxim65 on which she acted. In accepting that ruling for his own conduct, he had to extend the same leniency66 to Mr. Dak’s.
Desire stretched it a point further and made it apply to herself. He found that frequently after he had said “Good-by” to her at close on midnight, Fluffy would call with a car and carry her off to make a party of three at supper, or sometimes to join a larger party—mostly of men—in her apartment. He remonstrated67 with her: “It’s all very well for an actress; but I hate to think of you mixing with all kinds of people whose standards are just anyhow, and playing ’gooseberry’ for two people older than yourself.”
“I don’t see that you can complain,” she laughed. “If my standards weren’t theatrical68 and if I were the kind of girl who sees evil in everything, you wouldn’t be allowed to go about with me so much.”
There was his dilemma69 in a nut-shell. In joining the ranks of the superiorly pure, he was pledged to see purity everywhere. Divorces were pure. Nobody was to blame for anything. People ought to be sympathized with, not punished, when they got into trouble. He seemed to have made lax conventions his own by taking advantage of them for facilitating his courtship. It would look like hypocrisy70 to disapprove71 of them after marriage. It was very jolly, for instance, to hear her whisper in the jingling72 secrecy73 of a hansom, “Meester Deek, please light me a cigarette.” Very jolly to convey it from his lips to hers, and to watch the red glow of each puff74 make a cameo of her face against the blackness. But—— And that but was perpetually walking round new corners to confront him—if she were his wife, would the sight of her smoking afford him such abiding75 happiness? She had taunted76 him with being a King Arthur. In the presence of her emotional tolerance77, which found excuses for everything and ostracized78 nobody, his sense of propriety79 seemed a lack of social charity. He guessed the reason for her continual plea that people should be forgiving—her mother. The knowledge silenced his criticisms and roused his compassion81.
Two moods possessed82 him alternately: in the one he despised himself as an austere person, in whom an undue83 restraint of upbringing had dammed the stream of youth, so that it lay alone and unruffled as a mountain-tarn; in the other he saw himself as a man with a chivalrous84 duty.
Little by little he came to see that her faery lightheartedness, her faculty85 for taking no thought for the morrow, made her an easy prey86 for the morrow. Her ease in acquiring new friendships made friendship of small value.
Her butterfly Sittings from pleasure to pleasure left her without garnerings. She lived, he calculated, at the rate of at least five thousand dollars per annum. But different people paid for it; she contributed as her share her gay well-dressed schoolgirl self. The chances were that she rarely had a five-dollar bill in her purse, and yet she was accustoming87 herself to extravagance.
He began to watch her friends. When he ran over the list of them, he found that they were all temporary, held by the flimsiest bonds of common knowledge. They had been met at hotels, in pensions, on transatlantic voyages. A good many of them were divorced or unattached persons. They were all on the wing; none of them seemed to comply with any settled code of morals. The more he saw of her, the more aghast he became at the precariousness88 of her prosperity. Some day these friends, who could dispense89 with her for months together, would happen all to dispense with her at the same moment Then the telephone, which was her wizard summons to dinners, balls, and motor-parties, would suddenly grow silent. She would wait and listen; and listen and wait; her round of gayeties would be ended. Perhaps this thirst for the insubstantial things of life was a part of the price which Hal had mentioned. Did she know it? Winged creature as she was, she must covet90 the security of a nest sometimes, though, while she was without it, she affected91 to despise it as dullness.
When he married her—— He became lost in thought
If they went on living as they were living now, his career would be torn to shreds92 by her unsatisfied energy. They would have to settle down. In putting up with any irritations93 that might result, he’d be helping94 her to pay the penalty—the penalty which Vashti had imposed on so many lives—on her own most of all—by her early selfishness. Towering above his passion and mingling95 with it oddly, was the great determination to save her from the ruinous lightness to which her mother’s undefined social position had committed her.
She was fully19 aware of the unspoken strictures which lent melancholy96 to his ardor97.
“You think I’m a silly little moth80. I know you do. I’m pyschic. You think I’m fluttering about a candle and that my wings’ll get scorched98. Just you wait. I’ll have to show you.”
Or she would say, leaning out towards him, “I wonder what it is that you like about me, Meester Deek. There are so many things you don’t like, though you never tell me. You don’t like my powdering, or my smoking cigarettes, or—oh, such lots of things. But where’s the harm? And there’s another thing you won’t like—I’m going to dye my hair to auburn.”
This threat, that she would dye her hair, led to endless conversations. It made him bold to tell her how pretty she was, which was exactly what she wanted.
Sometimes she was sweetly grown up, preparing him for disillusionment; but it was when she was little that he loved her best Then she would give him the most artless confidences; telling him about her religion, how she prayed for him night and morning, and of her longings99 to know her father. She would plead with him to tell her about Orchid100 Lodge101 and Mrs. Sheerug, and Ruddy, and Harriet She came to picture the old house as if she had lived there, and yet she was never tired of hearing the old details afresh. Orchid Lodge became a secret between them—one of their many secrets, like the name she had given him. And still they drifted undecided.
Then the series of events happened which forced their love to its first anchorage.
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1
tantalizing
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| adj.逗人的；惹弄人的；撩人的；煽情的v.逗弄，引诱，折磨( tantalize的现在分词 ) | |
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reticence
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| n.沉默，含蓄 | |
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arbor
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| n.凉亭；树木 | |
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romped
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| v.嬉笑玩闹( romp的过去式和过去分词 )；（尤指在赛跑或竞选等中）轻易获胜 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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fluffy
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| adj.有绒毛的，空洞的 | |
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transpired
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| （事实，秘密等）被人知道( transpire的过去式和过去分词 )； 泄露； 显露； 发生 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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rustic
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| adj.乡村的，有乡村特色的；n.乡下人，乡巴佬 | |
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dole
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| n.救济，（失业）救济金；vt.（out）发放，发给 | |
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limousines
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| n.豪华轿车( limousine的名词复数 )；（往返机场接送旅客的）中型客车，小型公共汽车 | |
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12
tantalized
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| v.逗弄，引诱，折磨( tantalize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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nuns
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| n.（通常指基督教的）修女， （佛教的）尼姑( nun的名词复数 ) | |
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lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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defense
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| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
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extremity
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| n.末端，尽头；尽力；终极；极度 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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piqued
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| v.伤害…的自尊心( pique的过去式和过去分词 )；激起（好奇心） | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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bolstering
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| v.支持( bolster的现在分词 )；支撑；给予必要的支持；援助 | |
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shrines
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| 圣地，圣坛，神圣场所( shrine的名词复数 ) | |
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darting
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| v.投掷，投射( dart的现在分词 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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delirium
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| n. 神智昏迷,说胡话;极度兴奋 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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feverishness
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cryptic
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| adj.秘密的，神秘的，含义模糊的 | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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austere
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| adj.艰苦的；朴素的，朴实无华的；严峻的 | |
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aloofness
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| 超然态度 | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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lavishly
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| adv.慷慨地，大方地 | |
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expenditures
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| n.花费( expenditure的名词复数 )；使用；（尤指金钱的）支出额；（精力、时间、材料等的）耗费 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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recuperate
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| v.恢复 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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42
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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43
joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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44
economize
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| v.节约，节省 | |
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45
abhorrence
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| n.憎恶；可憎恶的事 | |
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46
stylish
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| adj.流行的，时髦的；漂亮的，气派的 | |
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conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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48
costly
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| adj.昂贵的，价值高的，豪华的 | |
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fugitive
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| adj.逃亡的，易逝的；n.逃犯，逃亡者 | |
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50
jaunt
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| v.短程旅游；n.游览 | |
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51
grasshopper
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| n.蚱蜢，蝗虫，蚂蚱 | |
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52
erectly
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| adv.直立地，垂直地 | |
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53
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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56
stockbroker
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| n.股票（或证券），经纪人（或机构） | |
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broker
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| n.中间人，经纪人；v.作为中间人来安排 | |
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58
tattered
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| adj.破旧的，衣衫破的 | |
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59
disastrous
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| adj.灾难性的，造成灾害的；极坏的，很糟的 | |
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virgins
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| 处女，童男( virgin的名词复数 )； 童贞玛利亚（耶稣之母） | |
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lackey
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| n.侍从；跟班 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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proprietary
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| n.所有权，所有的；独占的；业主 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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maxim
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| n.格言，箴言 | |
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leniency
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| n.宽大（不严厉） | |
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remonstrated
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| v.抗议( remonstrate的过去式和过去分词 )；告诫 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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dilemma
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| n.困境，进退两难的局面 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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disapprove
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| v.不赞成，不同意，不批准 | |
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jingling
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| 叮当声 | |
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secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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abiding
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| adj.永久的，持久的，不变的 | |
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taunted
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| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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ostracized
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| v.放逐( ostracize的过去式和过去分词 )；流放；摈弃；排斥 | |
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propriety
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| n.正当行为；正当；适当 | |
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moth
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| n.蛾，蛀虫 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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undue
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| adj.过分的；不适当的；未到期的 | |
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84
chivalrous
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| adj.武士精神的；对女人彬彬有礼的 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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accustoming
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| v.（使）习惯于( accustom的现在分词 ) | |
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precariousness
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dispense
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| vt.分配，分发；配(药)，发(药)；实施 | |
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covet
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| vt.垂涎；贪图(尤指属于他人的东西) | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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irritations
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| n.激怒( irritation的名词复数 )；恼怒；生气；令人恼火的事 | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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ardor
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| n.热情，狂热 | |
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scorched
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| 烧焦，烤焦( scorch的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（植物）枯萎，把…晒枯； 高速行驶； 枯焦 | |
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longings
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| 渴望，盼望( longing的名词复数 ) | |
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orchid
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| n.兰花，淡紫色 | |
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lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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