"I have been going to write for the last few days, but have been so busy. I could go on the picnic to-day if it would suit you[Pg 114] I'll call at the studio at one o'clock. If you can't come, send me a wire. Oh, I forgot to say Mr Hancock came home the other day with me and had a long talk with father, and Mr Bevan called to-day and was awfully2 jolly, and I'll tell you all about it when we meet. Give my love to Mr Verneede.
"In haste to catch the post.
"P.S.—I'm in such good spirits. F. L."
It was the morning after the day on which Mr Bevan had called at "The Laurels." Leavesley was in bed, and reading the above, which had come by the early post, and which Belinda had thrust under his door, together with a circular and a bill for colours.
"Hurrah3!" cried Mr Leavesley, and then "Great Heavens!" He jumped out of bed, and rummaged4 wildly in his pockets. He found seven and sixpence in silver, and a penny and a halfpenny in coppers5, a stump6 of pencil, a tramway ticket with a hole punched in it, and a Woodbine cigarette packet containing one cigarette. He placed the money on the wash-hand-stand, then he sat for a moment on the side of his bed disconsolate7.
The most beautiful day that ever dawned, the most beautiful girl in the world, a chance[Pg 115] of taking her up the river, and seven and six to do it on!
He curled his toes about. Yesterday, in a fit of righteousness, he had paid a tailor two pounds ten on account. He contemplated8 this great mistake gloomily. Wild ideas of calling on Mark Moses & Sonenshine and asking for the two pounds ten back crossed his mind, to be instantly dispelled9.
The only two men in London who could possibly help him with a loan were, to use a Boyle-Rochism, in Paris. Mrs Tugwell, his landlady10, was at Margate, and he was in the middle of his tri-monthly squabble with his uncle. He called up the ghost of his aunt Patience Hancock, and communed with her just for the sake of self-torture, and the contemplation of the hopeless.
Then he rang his bell, which Belinda answered.
"Breakfast at once, Belinda."
"Yessir, and here's another letter as hes just come," she poked11 a square envelope under the door. Leavesley seized it with a palpitating heart; it was unstamped, and had evidently been left in by hand.
"This is the God from the Machine," he[Pg 116] thought. "There's money in it, I know. It always happens like this when things are at their worst."
We all have these instincts at times: the contents of an unopened letter or parcel seem endowed with a voice; who has not guessed the fateful news in a telegram before he has broken open the envelope, even as Leavesley guessed the contents of the letter in his hand?
He tore it open and took out a sheet of paper and a pawnbroker's duplicate. The letter ran:—
"NO. 150A KING'S ROAD,
"OVER THE BACON SHOP.
"Dear Leavesley,—I am in bed, not suffering from smallpox12, croup, spinal13 meningitis, or any wasting or infectious disease. I am in bed, my dear Leavesley, simply for want of my trousers. Robed in Jones' long ulster, which reacheth to my heels, I took the aforesaid garments yester-even after dusk to my uncle. If help does not come they will have to take me to the workhouse in a blanket. I enclose duplicate. Three and sevenpence would release me and them.
"'The die is cast
And this is the last.'
"From
The Captain.
'P.S.—If you have no money send me the 'Count of Monte Cristo'—you have a copy;[Pg 117] or the 'Multi-Millionaire.' I have nothing to read but a Financial News of the day before yesterday."
Leavesley groaned14 and laughed, and groaned again. Then he got into his bath and splashed; as he splashed his spirits rose amazingly.
The Captain's letter had electrified15 the Bohemian part of his nature; instead of depressing him it had done the reverse. Here was another poor devil worse off than himself. Leavesley had six pair of trousers.
The Captain, in parenthesis16 let me say, has no part in this story. He wasn't a captain, he was a relic17 of the South African War, a gentleman with a taste for drink, amusing, harmless, and amiable18. I only introduce him on account of the telepathic interest of his letter, or rather of the way in which Leavesley divined its contents.
"Seven and sixpence—I mean seven and sevenpence halfpenny, is not a bit of use," said the painter to himself when he had finished breakfast, "so here goes."
He put three and sevenpence in an envelope with the pathetic duplicate, addressed it to Captain Waring, rang for Belinda; and when that much-harried maid-of-all-work appeared,[Pg 118] told her to take it as soon as she could to Captain Waring, down the road over the bacon shop, also to call at Mr Verneede's and ask him to come round at twelve.
Then he reached down a finished picture, wrapped it in brown paper, put the parcel under his arm and started off.
He took a complication of omnibuses, and arrived in Wardour Street about half-past nine.
"Mr Fernandez is gone to the country on pizzines," said the Jew-boy slave of the picture dealer19, who came from the interior of the gloomy shop like a dirty gnome20, called forth21 by the ring of the door bell.
"Oh, d——n!" said Leavesley.
"He's gone on pizzines," replied the other.
"Where's he gone to?"
"Down in the country."
"Look here, I want to sell a picture."
"Mr Fernandez is gone on pizzines."
"Oh, dash Mr Fernandez! Is there no one here I can show the thing to? He knows me."
"There's only me," said the grimy sphinx.
"Can you buy it?"
"No, I ain't no use for buying. Mr Fernandez is gone on——"
[Pg 119]
"Oh, go to the devil!"
"This is a nice sort of thing," said Leavesley to himself as he stood in Wardour Street perspiring22. "There's nothing for it now but a frontal attack on uncle."
He made for Southampton Row, reaching the office at ten o'clock, about five minutes after James Hancock.
Hancock was dealing23 with his morning correspondence. A most unbendable old gentleman he looked as he sat at his table before a pile of letters, backed by the numerous tin boxes Leavesley knew so well. Boxes marked "The Gleeson Estate," "Sir H. Tempest, Bart," etc. Boxes that spoke24 of wealth and business in mocking tones to the unfortunate artist, who felt very much as the grasshopper25 must have felt in the presence of the industrious26 ant. Despite this he noticed that his uncle was more sprucely dressed than usual, and that he had on a lilac satin tie.
Hancock looked at his nephew over his spectacles, then through his spectacles, then he pushed his spectacles up on his forehead.
"Good morning, uncle."
"Good morning."
[Pg 120]
"I just looked in," said Leavesley, in a light-hearted way, "as I was going by, to see how you were."
This was a very bad opening.
"Sit down," said Hancock. "Um—I wasn't aware that there was anything the matter with me."
"You were complaining of the gout last time."
"Oh, bother the gout!" said the old gentleman, who hated to be reminded of his infirmity. "It isn't gout—Garrod says it's Rheumatoid Arthritis27."
Leavesley repented28 of having played the gout gambit.
"—Rheumatoid Arthritis. Well, what are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm painting."
"Are you selling?" said Hancock, "that's more to the point."
"Oh yes, I'm selling—mildly."
"Um!"
"I sold two pictures quite recently."
"I always told you," said the lawyer, ignoring the last statement in a most irritating way, and speaking as if Leavesley were made of glass and all his affairs were arranged inside[Pg 121] him for view like damaged goods in a shop window—"I always told you painting doesn't pay. If you had come into the office you might have got on well; but there you are, you've made your bed, and on it you must lie," then in a voice three shades gloomier, "on it you must lie."
Leavesley glanced at the office clock, it pointed29 to quarter past ten, and Fanny was due at one.
"I had a little business to talk to you about," he said. "Look here, will you give me a commission?"
"A what?"
"A commission for a picture."
"And five pounds on account," was in his brain, but it did not pass his tongue.
"A picture?" said Hancock. "What on earth do I want with pictures?"
"Let me paint your portrait."
Hancock made a movement with his hand as if to say "Pish!"
"Well, look here," said Leavesley, with the cynicism of despair, "let me paint Bridgewater, let me paint the office, whitewash30 the ceilings, only give me a show."
"I would not mind the money I have spent on you," said Hancock, ignoring all this, "the[Pg 122] bills I have paid, if, to use your own expression, there was any show for it; but, as far as I can see, you are like a man in a quagmire31, the only advance you are making, the only advance visible to mortal eye, is that you are getting deeper into debt;" then two tones lower, "deeper into debt."
"Well, see here, lend me a fiver," cried Leavesley, now grown desperate and impudent32.
James Hancock put his fingers into the upper pocket of his waistcoat, and Leavesley's heart made a spring for his throat.
But Mr Hancock did not produce a five-pound note. He produced a small piece of chamois leather with which he polished his glasses, which he had taken off, in a reflective manner.
"I'm awfully hard up for the moment, and I have pressing need of it. I don't want you to give me the money, I'll pay it back."
Mr Hancock put on his glasses again.
"You come to me as one would come to a milch cow, as one would come to a bank in which he had a large deposit."
He put his hand in his breast-pocket and took out a note-case that seemed simply bursting with bank-notes.
[Pg 123]
"Now if I accommodate you with a five-pound note I must know, at least, what the pressing need is you speak of."
"I want to take a girl up the river, for one thing," answered his nephew, who could no more tell him a lie about the matter, than he could steal a note from that plethoric33 note-case.
James Hancock replaced the case in his pocket and made a motion with his hands as if to say "that ends everything."
Leavesley rose to go.
"I'd have paid you it back. No matter. I'm going to write a book, and make money out of it. I'll call it the 'Art of Being an Uncle.'"
Hancock made a motion with his hands that said, "Go away, I want to read my letters."
"Now, look here," said Leavesley, with his hand on the door handle, and inspired with another accession of impudence34, "if you'd take ten pounds and put it in your pocket, and come with me and her, and have a jolly good day on the river, wouldn't it be better than sitting in this stuffy35 old office making money that is no use to any one—you can only live once."
[Pg 124]
"Go away!" said his uncle.
"I'm going. Tell me, if I went round to aunt would she accommodate me, do you think?"
"Accommodate you to make a fool of yourself with a girl? I hope not, I sincerely hope not."
"Well, I'll try. Good day."
"Good day."
Leavesley went out, and shut the door. Then he suddenly turned, opened the door and looked in.
"I say, uncle!"
"Well?" replied the unfortunate Mr Hancock, in a testy36 voice.
"Did you never make a fool of yourself with a girl?"
The old gentleman grew suddenly so crimson37 that his nephew shut the door and bolted. He little guessed how àpropos that question was.
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1
laurels
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| n.桂冠，荣誉 | |
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2
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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3
hurrah
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| int.好哇，万岁，乌拉 | |
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4
rummaged
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| 翻找，搜寻( rummage的过去式和过去分词 )； 已经海关检查 | |
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coppers
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| 铜( copper的名词复数 )； 铜币 | |
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stump
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| n.残株，烟蒂，讲演台；v.砍断，蹒跚而走 | |
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7
disconsolate
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| adj.忧郁的，不快的 | |
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8
contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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dispelled
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| v.驱散，赶跑( dispel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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11
poked
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| v.伸出( poke的过去式和过去分词 )；戳出；拨弄；与（某人）性交 | |
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smallpox
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| n.天花 | |
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spinal
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| adj.针的，尖刺的，尖刺状突起的；adj.脊骨的，脊髓的 | |
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14
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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15
electrified
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| v.使电气化( electrify的过去式和过去分词 )；使兴奋 | |
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16
parenthesis
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| n.圆括号，插入语，插曲，间歇，停歇 | |
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17
relic
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| n.神圣的遗物，遗迹，纪念物 | |
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18
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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19
dealer
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| n.商人，贩子 | |
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gnome
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| n.土地神；侏儒，地精 | |
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21
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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22
perspiring
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| v.出汗，流汗( perspire的现在分词 ) | |
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23
dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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24
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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25
grasshopper
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| n.蚱蜢，蝗虫，蚂蚱 | |
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26
industrious
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| adj.勤劳的，刻苦的，奋发的 | |
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27
arthritis
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| n.关节炎 | |
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repented
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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whitewash
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| v.粉刷，掩饰；n.石灰水，粉刷，掩饰 | |
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31
quagmire
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| n.沼地 | |
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32
impudent
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| adj.鲁莽的，卑鄙的，厚颜无耻的 | |
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33
plethoric
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| adj.过多的，多血症的 | |
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34
impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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35
stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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36
testy
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| adj.易怒的；暴躁的 | |
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37
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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