He made his way across the big room and saw Mabel, who looked like waxwork3 with enormous glass eyes. He shuddered4, but bent5 over and would have kissed her had she not pushed him feebly away. He sat down, and his nervousness, even his horror, fled. He looked at the shrunken pallid6 remnant of the beautiful girl he had married and was filled with an immense pity, which induced one of those rare moments in life, like tiny islands, that have no space for self. He was also awed7, as one must ever be in the presence of death, but those little green isles8 in the ocean of egoism have their atmosphere of unreality; and he felt throughout this interview, which he has never tried to forget, like a man who dreams yet believes himself to be awake.
Mabel spoke9 in a small distant voice. “I am dying and you have killed me.”
“I am afraid I have.”
“That is all I have left—that you should know that. Had I been happy I might have pulled through, although I had a horrible time, a horrible time! But my brain, all my blood, was on fire. I don’t know—the doctor will explain—but I do know that my only chance was mental peace, and I was like a mad creature from the moment I learned you had gone to that woman. O God! I am only nineteen. What was I born for?”
She paused a moment and he stared at her with blanched10 face and mouth slightly open. His expression was almost vacant, his remarkably11 receptive faculty12 exercising itself unconsciously. To Mabel he looked as young as when she had first known him, and her expression softened13, but only for a moment. Her face set again, and she went on:
“I don’t mind dying so much, for I am so tired I don’t care, and there is nothing left to live for. Even the baby deserted14 me. But I have lost—lost! And I was so sure I should win! Why should I not have been confident? I had had everything—always—it is so strange that I should be ground to powder! I feel as if the huge wheels of one of those old Roman chariots—conquerors’ chariots!—had crushed me. I was a real little queen, and now I am nothing! nothing! And only nineteen! Why was I born?”
She raised herself on her hands; her immense hollow eyes, which had wandered during her last words, focussed, were piercing for the first time, probably, since they had met the light. “I think I should not mind even that—anything—” she was whispering, her voice almost dead—“if I could only have understood you. But to have been your wife, to have loved you so, and to die knowing that not for one minute, not for one second—and even death gives me no insight—”
He fled from the room as she fell back. The doctor, a nurse, and Mrs. Cutting, were waiting on the threshold. He went hastily to his own room, and as he closed the door he felt something at his heels. It was LaLa, and he took him in his arms and sat without moving, almost without thought, for an hour. At the end of that time there was a tap and he admitted Mrs. Cutting. As he saw her face he braced15 himself and all sense of unreality left him. Her cherished but never harnessed youth had deserted her. Her face was pinched and yellow and old. Her hair was streaked16 with white. Her lips were gray and shaking. But even in her deep maternal17 grief, in the one violent blow that life had dealt her, even in her new hatred18 of this royal child of fortune, she was unable to undam her soul and overwhelm him with a fury of scorn and hatred, as she had dimly imagined she should do when she left Mabel’s room for his. She could suffer, but not for her were the great tragic19 emotions, the splendours, the lightning blasts of expression. As she disciplined her relaxed mouth and pressed her hand hard against her bosom20, Ordham’s mind vagrantly21 recalled an observation of Styr’s regarding the best of the American actors: that they managed to convey the impression of deep intense emotion, artistically22 repressed; when as a matter of fact they had nothing to repress. But that the poor woman suffered to the full capacity of her meagre nature he could not doubt, and he tried to take her hand and lead her to a chair. But she, like her daughter, thrust him away.
“Mabel is dead,” she said.
As his brain whirled it almost cast out the collocations: “Of course!” “I am so sorry!” and the bathos of it twisted his features into a grin that was as like a smile as a mask is like the human face; but Mrs. Cutting fell back in horror.
“You—you—was it not enough to kill her, without laughing—”
“Good God, how can you say such a thing? I feel as hysterical23 as a woman. How else could I feel? I am distracted, half out of my mind with horror and remorse24. Give me credit for that much at least.”
“You are still young enough to feel excited at being in the midst of a tragedy!” Mrs. Cutting spoke almost dryly. “But I doubt if you will long convince yourself that it is anything more. I hope this may be the last time I shall ever be obliged to speak to you, and therefore I will say at once that I wish to take my child and her child to New York for interment. I don’t think it necessary to give my reasons.”
“You will do everything you wish, of course. I should not think of opposing you.”
She stared at him in unwilling25 admiration26 in spite of her suffering, her indignation. He had mastered his excitement, and were he a kindly27 relative he could not be more courteous28, more full of solicitude29. She turned her back on him, thinking of nothing to say but “Thank you,” and she left the room feeling like an honoured guest reluctantly dismissed.
But the next three days were a nightmare to Ordham. He was determined30 to pay all respect to Mabel dead, which, to do him justice, he had, with brief lapses31, managed to pay her living. He even sat beside the bed for a few moments after they had dressed her and folded her hands, and filled her arms with lilies. She was less pinched, less shrunken, in death. A little of her beauty had returned to her, and she looked no more than sixteen. Again pity possessed32 him, and he left the room abruptly33 and wandered about the darkened house. For three days he barely went out, and as he could not settle himself to read, and as every blind, according to that depressing old provincial34 custom, was down, as the house seemed to grow more and more silent, darker and darker, until he thought he should go mad, he took refuge in the attic35, where in an unused room he opened a back window, and, companioned by LaLa, who clung to him, sat gazing by the hour over the roofs, trying not to think of the future, but making no bones about wishing the present were over.
Then came the ordeal36 at which he had to appear as chief mourner; but he girded up his loins, and, as a matter of fact, very nearly wept as he followed the long narrow casket out of the house. It was to remain in the mortuary chapel37 in Brompton Cemetery38 until Mrs. Cutting could close her house and start for New York. There was another short service out there, and as he was as white as death, and his shoulders sagged39, the distinguished40 gathering41, among whom were many Americans, pitied him intensely.
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1
extremity
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| n.末端，尽头；尽力；终极；极度 | |
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simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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3
waxwork
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| n.蜡像 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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5
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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7
awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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8
isles
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| 岛( isle的名词复数 ) | |
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9
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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10
blanched
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| v.使变白( blanch的过去式 )；使（植物）不见阳光而变白；酸洗（金属）使有光泽；用沸水烫（杏仁等）以便去皮 | |
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11
remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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12
faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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13
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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14
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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15
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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16
streaked
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| adj.有条斑纹的，不安的v.快速移动( streak的过去式和过去分词 )；使布满条纹 | |
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17
maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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20
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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21
vagrantly
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| 流浪者； 无业游民； 乞丐； 无赖 | |
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22
artistically
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| adv.艺术性地 | |
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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24
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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25
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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27
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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28
courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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29
solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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30
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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31
lapses
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| n.失误，过失( lapse的名词复数 )；小毛病；行为失检；偏离正道v.退步( lapse的第三人称单数 )；陷入；倒退；丧失 | |
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32
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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33
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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provincial
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| adj.省的，地方的；n．外省人，乡下人 | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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36
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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37
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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38
cemetery
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| n.坟墓，墓地，坟场 | |
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39
sagged
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| 下垂的 | |
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40
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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41
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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