We have always from childhood’s hour instinctively2 recoiled3 from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If with equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money will be refunded4.)
147When it first reached the ears of the present Administration through the Librarian of Congress, to whom we applied5 for a copyright, that we were about to publish a history of our native land, we received per return mail a letter signed by the Administration, asking us if we would accept the appointment of U. S. Minister to the South Sea Islands. This office had just been made vacant by the circumstance of the last incumbent6 having participated in a public banquet given in honor of his arrival at his consulate7, and being himself the principal ingredient of a certain savory8 ragout, his presence there, it would seem, proved fatal, and it was his place which we were invited to supply.
We returned a somewhat evasive answer.
We never voted but once in our life, and 148that was at a presidential election soon after reaching our majority. We voted for ——, but no matter. To offend party prejudice at this time might be fatal to our hopes. The day after the election we received a bill of two dollars for “poll-tax,” which the collector said we owed and we had better pay or have our body lodged9 in the county jail until we should call for it, and settle up what was due on it to the State. The unprincipled man had obtained our address from the registry books, and this our first ebullition of patriotism10 cost us two dollars.
However much inclined we may be by nature and experience to avoid the subject of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty to make mention of certain exponents11 of American politics, but whether to their advantage 149or disadvantage will depend entirely12 upon the record they have left behind them.
We take it for granted, (you may have noticed that a great deal is taken for granted in this book,) that the reader is already acquainted with the duties of the President of the United States. If not, let him lose no time in reading up on the subject, for we are all liable at any moment to be nominated to the office, and it would be dreadfully mortifying13 not to know how to go to work.
We have seen in the preceding chapters how liberty was planted on American soil, but the crop must be watched and taken care of, and for this duty the office of President was created. Eighteen different persons have successively undertaken the 150contract of guarding the crop sown by our forefathers14, and in one or two incidents, we regret to say, these have turned out to be mere15 scarecrows, and sorry ones at that.
This scathing16 remark is not intended to apply to
George Washington,
who, as we have already shown, was the first President of the United States, and who did as well as could be expected for a first attempt. In fact, George did well whatever he undertook to do, and we have no complaint to make in these pages against him.
On page 151 will be found some illustrated17 particulars concerning this great man’s life, which our readers, young and old, will do well to imitate. The series of silhouettes18 at the top of the page treat of the Story of the Little Hatchet19.
151
152No. 1. Here we see the Grandfather of his Country climbing a cherry tree after cherries.
No. 2. His little son (afterwards Father of his Country) is here seen chopping at said tree with his little hatchet.
No. 3. How should he know that the old man was up said tree, and if so, what business had he up there anyhow?
No. 4. “I’ll let you know,” is what the old gentleman remarked. “I did it with my little hatchet,” roared George as well as he could from his embarrassing position, “but I’ll never do so no more!”
Advice gratis20. When you chop down cherry trees wait until the old man goes out of town.
No. 5. Gives us a fine view of the site of 153Washington’s birthplace, and shows what an enterprising man Dr. Binks is.
No. 6. The crop of persons who have missed and otherwise remember Washington is pretty good this year.
No. 7. Here we have a party who does not remember Washington to any great extent. Thinks he has heard the name somewhere.
“O piteous spectacle!”
Washington’s immediate21 successor was
John Adams,
who was inaugurated March 4, 1797. He displayed superior capacity for the position by removing the national capital from Philadelphia to Washington, where it has remained ever since. It was a good riddance for Philadelphia, but rather severe on Washington.
154
MR. ADAMS REMOVING THE CAPITOL TO WASHINGTON
155Mr. Adams only served one term. He was naturally a little piqued22 at not being nominated the second time, and retiring to Quincy, Mass., he started an opposition23 post office, where he passed his declining years.
Thomas Jefferson
was the third President of the United States. He was a gentleman of fine literary attainments24, his most popular works being the Declaration of Independence and a humorous poem called “Beautiful Snow.” He wrote the latter during the winter of 1798, (which was the most severe of any within the memory of the oldest inhabitant,) working on it of nights. He served two terms, and in the Spring of 1809 went to work on a farm, where he spent the sunset of his days cultivating potatoes. He said it was easier than being President, and a great deal more respectable.
156
Thomas Jefferson destroying potato bugs25.
157James Madison
next took charge of the helm of State, and very unsettled weather he found it for a new beginner.
During his Administration the country became involved in another war with Great Britain, growing out of certain liberties taken by the latter with American vessels26 upon the high seas.
Whenever an English man-of-war ran short of hands its commander simply helped himself from the crew of any American merchantman he happened to encounter. James Madison stood it as long as he could, and then declared war. This was called 158the “War of Twelve,” (afterwards increased to several thousand,) and lasted two years.
Commodore Perry met the enemy on the Erie canal on the 10th of September, 1814, and after a spirited naval27 battle they were his property.
? See illustration.
James Monroe
woke up one fine morning in 1817 and found himself President of the United States. He set his wits to work and invented the “Monroe Doctrine28,” a neat and ingenious contrivance for preventing any foreign Power from starting branch houses in America. He got it patented.
159
Perry’s victory on the erie canal.
160
NOTICE! Trespassing29 on These premises30 is STRICTLY31 Forbidden.
The monroe doctrine
Mr. Monroe declined a third term on account of the cry of “C?sarism” having been raised by a rural journal. On retiring 161from public life Mr. Monroe entered upon literary pursuits, and wrote some very able dime32 novels. His master-piece, called “The Poisoned Peanut, or the Ghostly Goblin of the Gory33 Glen,” has been translated into every language.
John Quincy Adams,
of Massachusetts, next tried on the presidential shoes (1825). Business being dull, Mr. Adams whitewashed34 the Presidential Mansion35, (a barrel of lime having been appropriated by Congress,) since which time it has been known as the White House.
Mr. Adams conducted himself in a gentlemanly manner, kept good hours, and paid his board regularly.
Andrew Jackson
was next called to the chair. Mr. Jackson 162lived chiefly upon hickory nuts, and it was in recognition of this well-known fact that he was affectionately nicknamed “Old Hickory” by his admirers.
PRESIDENT ADAMS MAKES HIMSELF USEFUL
163He sometimes made use of very forcible language, and on more than one occasion was distinctly heard to swear, “by the eternal Jingo, the Constitution must and shall be preserved!”
Mr. Jackson had been elected on the Democratic ticket.
In our illustration Mr. Jackson is seen climbing a shell-bark hickory tree in quest of his favorite luxury. The portrait is striking. The shirt collar especially will be recognized by all who held office under this remarkable36 man.
164
Old mr: hickory.
165Martin Van Buren
was inaugurated March 4, 1837. A financial crash, called the panic of ’37, immediately followed, so it is to be feared that Martin was a bad financier. If we had been elected in his stead we would have adopted an entirely different financial policy.
The disastrous37 results of Van Buren’s Administration are painfully apparent in the illustration on page 166.
Harrison—Tyler.
William Henry Harrison moved into the White House March 4, 1841. He died just one month after, and Vice-President John Tyler stepped into his shoes. He put his foot in it, however, and astonished the party who had elected him (the Whigs) by his vetoing talents. He rather overdid38 it in the case of a bill passed by Congress 166to establish United States banks, and every member of his Cabinet resigned excepting Dan. Webster, who was then too busily engaged on his dictionary to think of making out a resignation.
HARD TIMES IN ’37
167President Tyler was a handsome man but a bad manager.
James K. Polk
was elected on the Democratic ticket, by a large majority, in 1844, and managed to get into a row with Mexico by admitting Texas into the union soon after his accession to the chair. Mexico set up a frivolous39 claim to the territory, which, owing to the prompt measures adopted by Mr. Polk, she was unable to establish.
168
WEBSTER’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY
WHY DAN WEBSTER DID NOT RESIGN.
The war which followed between the United States and Mexico was short but 169sanguinary, as the reader will admit on reference to our illustration, which, aside from its historical value, gives those of us who have never served our country an excellent opportunity of seeing how a battle is conducted without incurring40 any unnecessary risk. Whoever can look upon this fearful scene of carnage without having the cold chills run down his back must be stony41 hearted indeed. We would not like to board in the same block with such a person. Even as we write we fancy we can smell the sulphuric vapors42 of burning powder, but that after all may be only the German restaurant below getting dinner ready.
With the exception of certain little eccentricities43 of character, (hardly worth mentioning,) Mr. Polk proved a very 170desirable tenant44 of the White House, and on retiring left it in good repair.
BIRDS-EYE VIEW OF THE MEXICAN WAR.
171Taylor—Fillmore.
Zachary Taylor took the White House off Mr. Polk’s hands, but only survived six months.
Vice-President Millard Fillmore succeeded him, and having by accident discovered that there was a good deal of gold secreted45 about California, recognized the importance of admitting her into the union lest some foreign Power should take it into its head to carry off the rich territory some dark night. There was special danger to be apprehended46 from China, which had already begun to make excavations47 from below. President Fillmore lost no time in taking California in, and many ambitious young gentlemen of culture went there and grew 172up with the country. In the work of art on page 172, we behold48 one of the latter journeying toward the setting sun, accompanied by as many of the luxuries of civilization as his limited means of transportation will admit of.
A Young Gentleman OF Culture ON His WAY TO CALIFORNIA.
173There seem to be one or two incongruities49 in this otherwise master-piece which we are at a loss how to reconcile with known laws of science. We allude50 more particularly to the phenomenon of the sun and moon shining simultaneously51. But for the artist’s usual respectful way of treating serious subjects we should be inclined to suspect that he was trifling52 with our feelings. The worst of it is, the paradox53 escaped our notice until after the plates had been cast. We hope our artist will be able to explain it away on his return from Rome.
174James Buchanan
next undertook to fill the vacancy54. Nature abhors55 a vacuum, and generally fills it with wind if it can do no better. Republics sometimes imitate her example, and the election of Mr. Buchanan was a case in point. He was chronically56 afflicted57 with “squatter sovereignty,” and spent most of his time in trying to comprehend American politics.
During Buchanan’s Administration John Brown and Sons undertook the contract of exterminating58 slavery, and as an initial step seized and burned the United States Arsenal59 at Harper’s Ferry. But the firm failed before the job was half completed.
Mr. Brown’s body now lies mouldering60 in the grave, but it is due to him to state that his soul goes marching on.
175
176On a previous page will be found John Brown’s soul in the act of marching. Our artist was unable to obtain a very exact sketch61 as it was getting quite dark.
Lincoln—Johnson.
Abraham Lincoln was next voted into the chair, which reminds us of a little anecdote62.
Some years ago an Erie canal boat was weighing anchor in the harbor of New York preparatory to setting sail for Buffalo63, when the Captain was hailed by a weary wayfarer64, who said he wanted to go to Buffalo, and having no money was willing to work his passage. The heart of the old salt was touched; a tear stole down his weather-beaten cheek, and he allowed the poor man to lead one of the mules65 on the tow-path all the way to Buffalo.
177
A “HUNDRED DAYS” MAN PUTTING DOWN THE REBELLION.
178Abraham Lincoln was willing to work his passage. He earned every cent of his salary, and rendered services to humanity which humanity will not soon forget. Soon after his inauguration66, in 1861, the Southern rebellion broke out, which was eventually put down by the “hundred days’ men.” On page 179 will be found some cheerful particulars of the war between the North and South, the more somber67 details of which we leave to other and abler pens and pencils.
179
Fort Sumter Fired upon
BATTLE OF Bull Run
EMANCIPATION68
A 3 MONTHS MAN WISHING THIS CRUEL WAR WERE OVER
Capture of Jeff Davis.
180Vice-President Andrew Johnson succeeded Mr. Lincoln, with somewhat doubtful success. As Mr. Johnson was a tailor by education he seemed to be the man of all others cut out for the place; but his subsequent conduct gave rise to conflicting opinions on this subject. He became the unfortunate proprietor69 of a “policy”[4] which gave Congress a good deal of trouble. Near the expiration70 of his official career he got a leave of absence, and “swung around the circle,” (as he himself expressed it,) making speeches in which he compared himself to Andrew Jackson and seriously compromised himself by shamelessly admitting that he had held every office in the gift of the people, from Alderman of his native village to President of the United States.
4. Note.—We have tried in vain to procure71 a ground plan of this “policy,” hence we are unable to furnish any illustration to this branch of our subject.
During Mr. Johnson’s Administration he had more woes72 on account of Congress
“Than wars or women have.”
Mr. Johnson would gladly have dispensed73 181with Congress. Indeed, on one occasion he made an attempt to impeach74 that body, but failed by one vote.
Andy was very glad indeed at the expiration of his term to get back to his goose. As far as Congress was concerned the pleasure was mutual75.
Ulysses S. Grant
was put under bonds to keep the peace March 4, 1869, and has been that way ever since. It is but justice to Mr. Grant to state that we have had good crops during his Administration, which is now drawing to a close. The New York Herald76 has offered him a third term, but we have information derived77 from private sources that he intends fulfilling a life-long project of taking a partnership78 on the Sun, which Mr. Dana has kept open for him.
183At the present writing it has not been decided79 who will succeed Grant in the Executive chair. We cannot permit our name to be used in connection with the approaching canvass80 for reasons already explicitly81 stated; besides this is the Centennial year, and we expect to have our hands full.
We have now placed the reader in possession of all the facts worth knowing in connection with the history of America from its very earliest discovery up to ten o’clock last night; but before finally releasing his button-hole we beg to “show him round” a little among our peculiar82 institutions, and call his attention to a few evidences of national greatness which may never have struck him before.
Let us, then, turn over a new leaf and open a new chapter.
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1
dabbles
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| v.涉猎( dabble的第三人称单数 )；涉足；浅尝；少量投资 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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refunded
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| v.归还，退还( refund的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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incumbent
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| adj.成为责任的，有义务的；现任的，在职的 | |
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consulate
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| n.领事馆 | |
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savory
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| adj.风味极佳的，可口的，味香的 | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 )；暂住；埋入；（权利、权威等）归属 | |
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patriotism
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| n.爱国精神，爱国心，爱国主义 | |
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exponents
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| n.倡导者( exponent的名词复数 )；说明者；指数；能手 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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mortifying
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| adj.抑制的，苦修的v.使受辱( mortify的现在分词 )；伤害（人的感情）；克制；抑制（肉体、情感等） | |
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forefathers
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| n.祖先，先人；祖先，祖宗( forefather的名词复数 )；列祖列宗；前人 | |
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15
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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scathing
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| adj.（言词、文章）严厉的，尖刻的；不留情的adv.严厉地，尖刻地v.伤害，损害（尤指使之枯萎）( scathe的现在分词) | |
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illustrated
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| adj. 有插图的，列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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18
silhouettes
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| 轮廓( silhouette的名词复数 )； （人的）体形； （事物的）形状； 剪影 | |
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hatchet
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| n.短柄小斧；v.扼杀 | |
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gratis
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| adj.免费的 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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piqued
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| v.伤害…的自尊心( pique的过去式和过去分词 )；激起（好奇心） | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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attainments
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| 成就，造诣； 获得( attainment的名词复数 )； 达到； 造诣； 成就 | |
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25
bugs
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| adj.疯狂的，发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 )；病菌；虫子；[计算机]（制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的）错误 | |
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26
vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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trespassing
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| [法]非法入侵 | |
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premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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dime
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| n.（指美国、加拿大的钱币）一角 | |
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gory
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| adj.流血的；残酷的 | |
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whitewashed
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| 粉饰，美化，掩饰( whitewash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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disastrous
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| adj.灾难性的，造成灾害的；极坏的，很糟的 | |
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overdid
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| v.做得过分( overdo的过去式 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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incurring
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| 遭受，招致，引起( incur的现在分词 ) | |
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stony
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| adj.石头的，多石头的，冷酷的，无情的 | |
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vapors
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| n.水汽，水蒸气，无实质之物( vapor的名词复数 )；自夸者；幻想 [药]吸入剂 [古]忧郁（症）v.自夸，（使）蒸发( vapor的第三人称单数 ) | |
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eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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tenant
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| n.承租人；房客；佃户；v.租借，租用 | |
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secreted
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| v.（尤指动物或植物器官）分泌( secrete的过去式和过去分词 )；隐匿，隐藏 | |
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apprehended
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| 逮捕，拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 )； 理解 | |
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excavations
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| n.挖掘( excavation的名词复数 )；开凿；开凿的洞穴（或山路等）；（发掘出来的）古迹 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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incongruities
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| n.不协调( incongruity的名词复数 )；不一致；不适合；不协调的东西 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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paradox
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| n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物) | |
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54
vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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55
abhors
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| v.憎恶( abhor的第三人称单数 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
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56
chronically
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| ad.长期地 | |
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afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exterminating
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| v.消灭，根绝( exterminate的现在分词 ) | |
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arsenal
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| n.兵工厂，军械库 | |
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mouldering
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| v.腐朽( moulder的现在分词 )；腐烂，崩塌 | |
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sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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anecdote
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| n.轶事，趣闻，短故事 | |
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buffalo
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| n.(北美)野牛；(亚洲)水牛 | |
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wayfarer
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| n.旅人 | |
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65
mules
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| 骡( mule的名词复数 )； 拖鞋； 顽固的人； 越境运毒者 | |
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inauguration
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| n.开幕、就职典礼 | |
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somber
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| adj.昏暗的，阴天的，阴森的，忧郁的 | |
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68
emancipation
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| n.（从束缚、支配下）解放 | |
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69
proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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expiration
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| n.终结，期满，呼气，呼出物 | |
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procure
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| vt.获得，取得，促成；vi.拉皮条 | |
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72
woes
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| 困境( woe的名词复数 )； 悲伤； 我好苦哇； 某人就要倒霉 | |
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dispensed
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| v.分配( dispense的过去式和过去分词 )；施与；配（药） | |
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impeach
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| v.弹劾；检举 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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herald
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| vt.预示...的来临，预告，宣布，欢迎 | |
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derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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partnership
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| n.合作关系，伙伴关系 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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canvass
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| v.招徕顾客，兜售；游说；详细检查，讨论 | |
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explicitly
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| ad.明确地，显然地 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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