"There isn't one in the house, but I'm afther axing about it. It must be it was waylaid5."
It may scarcely be necessary to explain that she meant mislaid, but in her limited skill in English she had expressed the real trend of the things in the establishment. They were not, as a rule, lost, nor in the strict sense of the word were they stolen; they were waylaid, snatched from their own walk of life and applied6 to some pressing necessity of the moment. The apron might have been taken to clean a bicycle, or to stay the flow of spilt ink, or to bandage the foal's leg, and the "Why not" probably had been a party to its fate.
It is on record that in past ages a punt, used by the master for his own pleasure, was waylaid after it had been suitably laid up in the coach-house for the winter. When Spring came, and the time of the singing of birds and the painting of boats set in, the punt was not.
It was "gone this long time;" it was "as rotten as that the boards was falling out of it undher the people's feet." "You couldn't tell what thim women in the laundhry would catch hold of when they'd be short of fire, an' God knows a person's heart would be broke that'd have to be lookin' for sticks for them."
Having arrived at the fact that his boat had been burned, the Master yielded to the inevitable8.
"Begad!" he said, regarding the culprits through his spectacles, "I believe you'd burn myself if I'd light!"
The march of education has merely added scope to the art of waylaying10. We have in the West of Ireland "heavy showers and showers in between," as an old woman put it when describing a wet day. In the course of one of the in-betweens a party from the Big House took refuge in a wayside cabin, and although it is not desirable or polite to observe too curiously11 the environment in wayside cabins, a glimpse of a green morocco-bound volume on a shelf, between a salt-herring and a hair-brush was too much for the visitor's good breeding. Averting12 our eyes from the hair-brush we identified the volume as a copy of Byron's "Marino Faliero," which had long since disappeared from the drawing-room book-case in which it had been wont13 to stand in the decorous neglect which, I imagine, is not uncommonly14 its portion.
No one knew anything about the book. It had apparently15 flown like a storm-beaten bird to the cabin door, and, out of pure compassion16, was given house room. From internal evidence it would seem to have inspired considerable interest in a family of the name of Sweeny, whose autographs profusely17 adorned18 its wide margins19. Later on we heard that one, Patsey Sweeny, when dying, had asked for the solace20 of a book. The Big House had been applied to for something suitable. We shall never know what influenced the "Why not" in her selection of "Marino Faliero;" we shall never know anything in that, or in any similar matter, with any certainty, but we do not expect certainty in the West of Ireland. "Marino Faliero" returned to its fellows, importing a rich odour of tobacco and turf smoke, but otherwise, unfortunately, dumb to its adventures.
PATSEY SWEENY
PATSEY SWEENY
Subsequently a daughter of the house of Sweeny showed much aptitude21 in the art of waylaying. A Confirmation22 was in prospect23 at the chapel24, at which Miss Julia Sweeny, aged25 eleven, was to be presented as a candidate, the occasion requiring that she should be dressed in purest white from her oily curls to her nimble and naked feet. When the day of transformation26 arrived, the Young Ladies from the Big House turned out to view it, and as the candidate knelt in angelic decorum in the chapel, the youngest of the Young Ladies made the gratifying discovery that her new white canvas tennis shoes were on the feet of Miss Sweeny. On such a day it would have been a gross want of taste to have mentioned the matter, and that evening the tennis shoes re-appeared unostentatiously in their owner's room. No comment was made on either side, but with the sensitive perception of the clinical thermometer, the Sweeny family remained invisible for several weeks, after which Mrs. Sweeny arrived with a score of eggs as a present for the youngest Young Lady, and both sides felt that a disagreeable estrangement27 had been handsomely closed.
MRS. SWEENY
MRS. SWEENY
The adventures of the Gravy28 Spoon were of the simpler household variety, inexplicable29, disconnected, yet following in a certain order a track familiar to all Irish householders. The gravy spoon was antique, slender of curve, and delicately ornamented30 along its graceful31 handle. Every servant connected with the spoon will now testify that the handle was cracked from the day it was made. One even asserts that "When ye'd strike it agin anything there'd be a roaring in it," which, of course, leaves no more to be said. That its prolonged absence from the table should have been unnoticed was well in the character of things: several months, in fact, passed before the lady of the house observed the cook skimming cream with a singular and dwarfish32 weapon, which proved to be the bowl and one inch of the handle of the gravy spoon. The explanation opened with the formula, "Sure that was broke always," followed almost inevitably33 by the statement that "it was broke when the young gentlemen was home." From the mouth of a third witness came the information that "Master Lionel broke it one day at luncheon34 helping35 curry36." History was silent as to the composition of this remarkable37 curry. The cook entered no protest. Memory was not at any time her strongest point, judging at least from her own guileless confession38 on one of the many occasions when dinner was very late.
"Sure I mislaid the pudding, and there I was hunting the house for it, and where would it be afther all but in the oven!"
The search for the keys was, of course, a mere9 commonplace of every day. The storeroom was carefully locked up, and the bunch, an enormous and for the most part obsolete39 collection, was then taken severely40 upstairs and secreted41. The next event was, usually, the departure beyond ken7 or call of the person who had secreted the keys, followed, at a greater or less interval42, by the crisis when they became essential to the progress of things, by the opening scenes of the hunt, and its gradual broadening to full cry throughout the house. During this part of the comedy the servants, who were perfectly43 acquainted with every known hiding-place, remained coldly intent on their business, and the hunters deferred44 as long as possible the humiliating moment when their co-operation must be invited. When it came, the keys came with it.
To the lost and strayed the ashpit in the yard occasionally offered harbourage, where, among the hot turf ashes and evil smells, oblivion came quickly. Sometimes, when search ran high, as lately in the case of three errant postal45 orders, the ashpit was placed under martial46 law, and yielded strange spoils to its inquisitors. Instead of the postal orders came forth47 in the first instance a letter, dated 1805, from an historical personage, once Chief Justice of Ireland. The letter itself, in remarkably48 good preservation49, described in choice and flowing English a fortnight spent in Bath, an experience in remarkable contrast to the ashpit. The second trophy50 was a cheque for eight pounds, recent and uncashed. The third was a tea cosy51, of old gold and peacock blue satin, somewhat scorched52 by turf ashes, but new, and preserving in its quilted interior the label with which it emerged from its parent bazaar53. There was other booty of an inconsiderable sort, but the postal orders were not found. The net result of the investigation54 was that every servant in the house hovered55 on the verge56 of giving warning, till the day when the postal orders arrived as stowaways57 in a letter from South Africa. The writer made no mention of their presence in the envelope, nor has he since been able to account for it, nor, to this hour, has any reasonable theory been brought forward to explain their wanderings.
Lest any hasty judgment58 should here be formed as to the conduct of Irish households, it is well to mention that other households, not Irish, have had experiences as remarkable.
A family of my acquaintance, blameless in domestic life and even notable in virtue59, has established what must be, I think, a singular renown60 at Scotland Yard in the matter of lost valuables. During a stay of two nights under that hospitable61 roof, three several and severe disasters passed like winds through the establishment, causing much mental and physical stress, and a vast amount of cab hire.
The first was the loss of a diamond star, to recover which Scotland Yard, much concerned, put forth detectives and established a network of theories. It was subsequently found under the owner's bed. The second was less showy but more acute, a purse lost while shopping. Scotland Yard (not perhaps without a memory of the diamond star) was guarded, but still sympathetic. Several purses had been brought in; would the owner describe hers? The owner now asks us to believe that on being confronted with this question she found herself unable to remember what her purse was like. Then perhaps she could mention the sum of money it contained? Lamentable62 to relate, on this point also memory was a blank. After so flagrant a breakdown63 the ordinary individual would have ended the interview in the lockup, but the claimant of the purse, in addition to being young and lovely, was by no means ordinary. As a matter of fact she was invited to try again, and this time was enabled to say that she believed the purse had a hole in it. Further details of the interview were withheld64, but we were given to understand that though the purse was not restored, the excellent relations with the officials remained unimpaired.
The third catastrophe65 was the loss of a dressing-bag, containing much of value, and forgotten, in the customary way, in a cab. This was a trifling66 matter; a mere occasion for a morning call at Scotland Yard, where the officials, with the special and protective smile reserved for this family, produced the bag. It was taken airily home in a hansom, its recovery was announced to an admiring luncheon table, and the peculiar67 success of the family with Scotland Yard was discussed.
"But where is the bag?"
And even with the words came the grey dawn of the discovery that the bag had once more been left in the hansom.
To follow the subsequent events would be an unkindness. It is enough to indicate that even Scotland Yard and its special smile were on this occasion of no avail.
To lose things by accident is, as we all know, calamitously68 easy, to lose them designedly is not only difficult but takes nerve and, at the right moment, want of principle.
There was once a red silk parasol, of the genus known to the trade as an en tout69 cas, which, literally70 translated, meant that in sunny weather it was cumbrous and heavy, and that during showers it wept tears of indelible maroon71 upon its possessor. It passed through an unloved youth into an abhorred72 middle age, with a crooked73 nose, a swelled74 handle, and a mottled complexion75, unfit for society, yet not sufficiently76 decayed for a jumble77 sale. I and another went to Dublin for a week, and on starting found that the red umbrella had been put on the car by the servants, who held it in high esteem78. We did not give it a thought; it would, of course, return upon the car to its lair79 in the back hall. As the train moved out into sunlight the red umbrella revealed itself, looming80 upon us through the netting where a careful porter had placed it. Not as yet recognising the hand of Fate, we lightly regarded it, and determining that it should be left in the train, straightway forgot its existence until an equally attentive81 porter placed it respectfully in our cab in Dublin. Had we kept our heads we should have offered it to him, murmuring something about having no change. Like most inspirations, this, unfortunately, did not occur to us till some five minutes later, but it suggested the idea of giving it to a housemaid, and on this understanding it accompanied us to our destination. During a week it disgraced our host's umbrella stand, and during that week we discovered that the housemaid, who, from the first, was quelling82, was a Plymouth Sister, and would probably have regarded such a gift as an attempt to sap her religious convictions. When, on departure, it was deliberately83 forgotten, it was the Plymouth Sister who snatched it from the umbrella stand and breathlessly hurled84 it into our cab. It was obvious that to throw it out of the window in streets crowded with traffic would merely have involved a heavy fee to an inevitable rescuer; we reserved it for the window of the train, confidently, even enjoyably. Yet, such was its inveteracy85, in the train the spell of forgetfulness again held us. The moments when it was remembered were precisely86 when the train stopped at stations, or the windows were blocked with fellow passengers, who would probably have pulled the communication cord to retrieve87 it. As we neared the long bridge of Athlone a final resolve was made. The network of big girders glided88 by, the broad Shannon glittered far below. The red umbrella shot like a spear through the girders and dropped out of sight. "So flashed and fell the brand Excalibur—"
The train crept into Athlone Station and there entered upon a prolonged wait among roomy and silent platforms. We exulted89 at leisure over the reel umbrella. A hurrying foot was distantly heard; doors opened and shut in rapid succession down the length of the train. We disinterred our tickets. The door of our carriage was opened and a heated boy put in his face.
"Did anny one here lose a red umbrella?"
It was the supreme90 moment in a duel91 with Destiny.
I replied to his question with a firm and simple negative.
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1
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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pony
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| adj.小型的；n.小马 | |
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derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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4
genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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5
waylaid
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| v.拦截，拦路( waylay的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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ken
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| n.视野，知识领域 | |
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8
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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10
waylaying
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| v.拦截，拦路( waylay的现在分词 ) | |
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11
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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12
averting
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| 防止，避免( avert的现在分词 )； 转移 | |
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13
wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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14
uncommonly
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| adv. 稀罕(极，非常) | |
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15
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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16
compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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profusely
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| ad.abundantly | |
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18
adorned
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| [计]被修饰的 | |
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margins
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| 边( margin的名词复数 )； 利润； 页边空白； 差数 | |
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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21
aptitude
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| n.(学习方面的)才能，资质，天资 | |
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confirmation
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| n.证实，确认，批准 | |
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23
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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24
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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transformation
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| n.变化；改造；转变 | |
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estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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28
gravy
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| n.肉汁；轻易得来的钱，外快 | |
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29
inexplicable
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| adj.无法解释的，难理解的 | |
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30
ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31
graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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32
dwarfish
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| a.像侏儒的，矮小的 | |
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33
inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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34
luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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35
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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36
curry
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| n.咖哩粉，咖哩饭菜；v.用咖哩粉调味，用马栉梳，制革 | |
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37
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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obsolete
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| adj.已废弃的，过时的 | |
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severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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41
secreted
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| v.（尤指动物或植物器官）分泌( secrete的过去式和过去分词 )；隐匿，隐藏 | |
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42
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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43
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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44
deferred
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| adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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45
postal
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| adj.邮政的，邮局的 | |
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martial
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| adj.战争的，军事的，尚武的，威武的 | |
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47
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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49
preservation
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| n.保护，维护，保存，保留，保持 | |
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50
trophy
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| n.优胜旗，奖品，奖杯，战胜品，纪念品 | |
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51
cosy
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| adj.温暖而舒适的，安逸的 | |
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52
scorched
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| 烧焦，烤焦( scorch的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（植物）枯萎，把…晒枯； 高速行驶； 枯焦 | |
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53
bazaar
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| n.集市，商店集中区 | |
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54
investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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55
hovered
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| 鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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56
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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57
stowaways
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| n.偷乘船[飞机]者( stowaway的名词复数 ) | |
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58
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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59
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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60
renown
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| n.声誉，名望 | |
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61
hospitable
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| adj.好客的；宽容的；有利的，适宜的 | |
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62
lamentable
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| adj.令人惋惜的，悔恨的 | |
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63
breakdown
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| n.垮，衰竭；损坏，故障，倒塌 | |
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64
withheld
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| withhold过去式及过去分词 | |
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65
catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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66
trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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68
calamitously
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| adv.灾难地，悲惨地 | |
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69
tout
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| v.推销，招徕；兜售；吹捧，劝诱 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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71
maroon
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| v.困住，使（人）处于孤独无助之境；n.逃亡黑奴；孤立的人；酱紫色，褐红色；adj.酱紫色的，褐红色的 | |
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72
abhorred
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| v.憎恶( abhor的过去式和过去分词 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
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73
crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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74
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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75
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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76
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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jumble
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| vt.使混乱，混杂；n.混乱；杂乱的一堆 | |
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78
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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79
lair
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| n.野兽的巢穴；躲藏处 | |
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80
looming
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| n.上现蜃景（光通过低层大气发生异常折射形成的一种海市蜃楼）v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的现在分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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81
attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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82
quelling
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| v.（用武力）制止，结束，镇压( quell的现在分词 ) | |
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83
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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84
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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85
inveteracy
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| n.根深蒂固，积习 | |
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86
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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87
retrieve
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| vt.重新得到，收回；挽回，补救；检索 | |
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88
glided
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| v.滑动( glide的过去式和过去分词 )；掠过；（鸟或飞机 ） 滑翔 | |
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89
exulted
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| 狂喜，欢跃( exult的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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90
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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91
duel
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| n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争 | |
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