Several times he moaned softly, and asked for her aloud. Once he was filled with bitterest anger, and started to go back into the house. He hated her. His brilliant future should not be linked with this rude and shabby girl. Then, in sharp remorse5, he asked to be forgiven. Tears of self-pity had followed tears of anger and tears of utter pain, and had dried on his cheeks as he rigidly6 kept one posture7 on the narrow bench. He felt to-night that he had the power to experience and to utter all the sorrow of the world, and mixed with his pain there were sensations of the keenest luxury.
At last a footstep sounded. He began to [Pg 59]tremble unendurably; but in the next instant he knew it was not Miranda. He had not recovered from his disappointment when his mother stood beside him.
He looked at her vaguely8, not yet recalled from his raging thoughts. She called his name, and there was something in her voice that startled him. The moon which was now coming over the house poured its light upon her face. Swiftly Peter was aware of some terrible thing struggling for expression. His mother's eyes were clouded as though she was dazed from the effect of some hard and sudden blow. Her lips were drawn9 tight as though she suffered. She stood for a moment, and once or twice just failed to speak.
"Peter," she said at last, "I have to tell you something."
Peter stared at her, quickly beginning to fear.
"Don't be frightened, dear boy." Peter saw the first tears gather and fall.
"Mother, you are hurt."
Her tears now fell rapidly as she stooped and strained Peter towards her. She could not bear to see his face as she told him.
"Something terrible has happened. There has been a fight in the streets and father——"
Her arms tightened10 about him. Peter knew his father was dead.
"We are alone, Peter," she said at last.
Then she rose, and there were no more tears.[Pg 60] Erect11 in the moonlight, she seemed the statue of a mourning woman.
"He is lying in our room, Peter. Won't you come?"
Peter instinctively12 shuddered13 away. Then, feeling as though a weight had just been laid on him, he asked:
"Can I help you, mother? Is there anything to do?"
"Uncle Henry is here. Come when you can."
Peter watched her move away towards the house. Self died outright14 in him as, filled with worship, he saw her, grave and beautiful, going to the dead man.
Soon he wondered why, now that trouble had really come, he could not so easily be moved. The tears, which so readily had started from his eyes as he had brooded on his quarrel with Miranda, would not flow now for his father. His imagination could not at once accept reality. He sat as his mother had left him, sensible of a gradual ache that stole into his brain. Time passed; and, at last, as the ache became intolerable, he heard himself desperately15 repeating to himself the syllables16:
"Never, Never."
He would never again see his father. Then his brain at last awoke in a vision of his father, an hour ago or so, confronting Mr. Smith. Peter's emotion first sprang alive in a sharp remorse. He had that evening found his father insufferable.
[Pg 61]
Peter could no longer sit. He walked rapidly up and down the garden, giving rein17 to self-torment. He had always thought of his father, and now remembered him most vividly18, as one who had read with him the books which first had opened his mind. His father shone now upon Peter crowned with all the hard, bright literature of revolt.
A harsh cry suddenly broke up the silence of the garden. A newsboy ran shrieking19 a special edition, with headlines of riot and someone killed.
The cry struck Peter motionless. He had realised so far that his father was dead. Now he remembered the riot. The newsboy had shouted of a charge of soldiers.
Why had Peter not accepted his father's gospel? Why had he not stood that evening by his father's side? The enemies of whom his father had so often talked to Peter were real, and had struck him down. All the idle rhetoric20 that had slept unregarded in Peter's brain now rang like a challenge of trumpets21. He saw his father as one who had tried to teach him a brave gospel of freedom, who had resisted tyranny, and died for his faith.
Peter cursed the oppressor with clenched22 hands. In the tumble of his thoughts there intruded23 pictures, quite unconnected, of the life he had known at his first school—encounters with the friendly roughs, their common hatred24 of the police, the comfortable, oily embrace of the woman who had picked him from the snow. He felt now that he[Pg 62] was one of these struggling people, that he ought that night to have stood with his father. In contrast with the warm years in which he had gloried in the life of his humbler school his later comparative solitude25 coldly emphasized his kinship with the dispossessed.
Scarcely twenty-four, hours ago Peter had feasted with the luxurious26 enemies of the poor. He had come from them, vainglorious27 and eager to claim their fellowship. For this he had been terribly punished. Peter felt the hand of God in all this. It seemed like destiny's reward for disloyalty to all his father had taught.
He went into the house, and soon was looking at the dead man. His mother moved about the room, obeying her instinct to put all into keeping with the cold severity of that still figure. Peter looked and went rapidly away. He felt no tie of blood or affection. He was looking at death—at something immensely distant.
Nevertheless, as he went from the oppressive house, this chill vision of death consecrated28 in his fancy the figure, legendary29 now, of a martyred prophet of revolt. By comparison he hardly felt his personal loss of a father.
As he passed into the garden, he saw into the brilliantly lighted room next door. Mr. Smith sprawled30 with his head on the table, sobbing31 like a child. Peter, in a flash, remembered him as he had stood not two hours ago beside his father, shrilly32 repeating an hortation to shoot them down.[Pg 63] In that moment Peter had his first glimpse of the irony33 of life. He felt impulsively34 that he ought to comfort that foolish bowed figure whose babble35 had been so rudely answered.
Then, as Mr. Smith was seen to wipe his watery36 eyes with a spotted37 handkerchief, Peter grew impatient under that sting of absurdity38 which in life pricks39 the holiest sorrow. He turned sharply away, and in the path he saw Miranda.
She put out her arm with a blind gesture to check the momentum40 of his recoil41 from the lighted window. He caught at her hand, but his fingers closed upon the rough serge of her sleeve. His passion leaped instantly to a climax42. It was one of those rare moments when feeling must find pictured expression; when every barrier is down between emotion and its gesture. Miranda stood before him, the reproach of his disloyalty, a perfect figure of the life he must embrace. His hand upon her dress shot instantly into his brain a memory of that mean moment when he had nursed his wrongs upon her homeliness43. A fierce contrition44 flung him without pose or premeditation on his knees beside her. As she leaned in wonder towards him, he caught the fringe of her frayed45 skirt in his hands, and, in a moment of supreme46 dedication47, kissed it in a passion of worship.
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1
stonily
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| 石头地，冷酷地 | |
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2
primrose
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| n.樱草，最佳部分， | |
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3
jingled
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| 喝醉的 | |
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4
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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5
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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6
rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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7
posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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8
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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9
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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10
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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11
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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12
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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13
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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14
outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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15
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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16
syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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17
rein
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| n.疆绳，统治，支配；vt.以僵绳控制，统治 | |
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18
vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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19
shrieking
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| v.尖叫( shriek的现在分词 ) | |
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20
rhetoric
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| n.修辞学，浮夸之言语 | |
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21
trumpets
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| 喇叭( trumpet的名词复数 )； 小号； 喇叭形物； （尤指）绽开的水仙花 | |
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22
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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23
intruded
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| n.侵入的，推进的v.侵入，侵扰，打扰( intrude的过去式和过去分词 )；把…强加于 | |
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24
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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25
solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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26
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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27
vainglorious
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| adj.自负的；夸大的 | |
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28
consecrated
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| adj.神圣的，被视为神圣的v.把…奉为神圣，给…祝圣( consecrate的过去式和过去分词 )；奉献 | |
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29
legendary
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| adj.传奇（中）的，闻名遐迩的；n.传奇（文学） | |
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30
sprawled
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| v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的过去式和过去分词)；蔓延；杂乱无序地拓展；四肢伸展坐着（或躺着） | |
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31
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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32
shrilly
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| 尖声的； 光亮的，耀眼的 | |
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33
irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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34
impulsively
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| adv.冲动地 | |
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35
babble
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| v.含糊不清地说，胡言乱语地说，儿语 | |
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36
watery
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| adj.有水的，水汪汪的；湿的，湿润的 | |
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37
spotted
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| adj.有斑点的，斑纹的，弄污了的 | |
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38
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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39
pricks
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| 刺痛( prick的名词复数 )； 刺孔； 刺痕； 植物的刺 | |
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40
momentum
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| n.动力，冲力，势头；动量 | |
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41
recoil
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| vi.退却，退缩，畏缩 | |
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42
climax
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| n.顶点；高潮；v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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43
homeliness
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| n.简朴，朴实；相貌平平 | |
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44
contrition
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| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
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45
frayed
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| adj.磨损的v.（使布、绳等）磨损，磨破( fray的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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47
dedication
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| n.奉献，献身，致力，题献，献辞 | |
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