He lived again the late encounter. Remotely he saw himself quietly at the feet of Lady Mary, before he had lost his happy peace. Then the storm was loose, and he saw her merely as one to be desired and held. Finally, his imagination inexorably came full circle in the cold shame with which he had left her. He repeated continually the moment when his kisses had gone out, and he knew them for the vulgar gust2 of his jealousy3. Their passion had not been true. Lady Mary had cried in bitter verity4. They dishonoured5 her.
Was all the story equally a falsehood? Peter dipped for assurance back into the quiet past. He floated again with Lady Mary under a dying sky, and saw her unattainably fair, with a hand that quietly rested under his. Surely this had been wonderful. Not even the stain of his brutal7 hunger for her dedicated8 beauty could destroy it.
Why, then, did he so certainly know that his passion to-night was evil? His conscience, bringing him to a reckoning, told him that he did not love her. There was a rift9, not to be closed, between his adoration10 of Lady Mary and the passion with which he had thought to claim her. He put[Pg 270] Wenderby aside, and asked himself whether he could ever have taken her by right of a vital need. His imagination would not allow him to do so. He could only see himself for ever kneeling, or delicately touching11 her as an exquisite12 privilege. He could not again repeat the physical claim. Mere1 coveting13 had prompted it. The soul had perished on his lips.
How instantly she had read the quality of his act. Every beat of the quick moment of his taking her was minutely divided in his memory. He felt again her surrender, her expectation of the kiss she could not deny—the farewell moment of her youth to be expiated14 in years of sacrifice. Then suddenly she had rebelled, feeling the soul go out of him, protesting against her dishonour6.
Peter quailed15 to think how he had tortured her. He knew now that Lady Mary loved him. She had been outraged16 where most she was virginal.
For a moment Peter caught at a hope that yet the mysterious rift might close between the soul and body of his love. Must he always be thus divided? Was he never to know a perfect passion where the blood ran in obedient rapture17 to celebrate the meeting of two in one? He remembered the beautiful girl he had tracked on a summer night, to shrink from taking her because his spirit was her enemy. Now that he in spirit loved Lady Mary—he insistently18 fought through to-day's murk back to his adoration—he was still divided. His moment of hope died out. He had no right[Pg 271] to Lady Mary. He could not passionately19 claim her. His passion would fail again, as to-night it had failed, leaving only the senses to be fed.
He did not love her. Brutally20 it came to that. Lady Mary must take the way she had herself appointed. She could not be asked to put away the work of her life in return for a worship that fed upon the air, or for a hunger that seized on a vanishing feast. Himself he felt entirely21 in her hands. He hoped to be forgiven, and accepted as the witness of her dedicated life. But he did not expect it, or make a claim.
He reached Curzon Street at ten o'clock, and found his mother returned from dining out. Mrs. Paragon22 now had her own friends. She quietly came and went, usually not asking how Peter fared. All his time was taken up with Lady Mary, and with Lady Mary she left the issue in perfect trust. But to-night she was startled from her assurance. Peter, unaware23 that he betrayed himself, had the face of a soul newly admitted to damnation.
"What has happened to you, Peter?" she asked.
"Nothing, mother."
She came to him where he had flung himself into a chair beside the fire.
"Has Lady Mary sent you away?"
Peter stared at her in amazement24. He had never talked of Lady Mary. But he always accepted his mother's mysterious knowledge.
"She is soon to be married, mother."
[Pg 272]
"Lord Wenderby?"
This was more than Peter could accept.
"You know that also?" he exclaimed.
"I saw Lord Wenderby one day in these rooms," said his mother quietly. "I knew he was in love with Lady Mary."
Peter looked keenly at his mother.
"You are sure he loves her?" he asked.
"Quite."
"I should be happy to believe that. It gives him a better claim."
"Better than your own?" said his mother. She was at last surprised.
"I have no claim at all. I do not love Lady Mary."
He was quaintly25 wretched. His mother almost smiled. She saw a light in the cloud, but it puzzled her. Would he then have preferred to love Lady Mary and to lose her?
"Tell me what has happened," she said. "I don't understand. You do not love Lady Mary—is that your trouble?"
"She told me of Lord Wenderby," Peter obediently answered, "and I was mad at the idea of losing her. I grasped at her. I was like a wild beast."
"But you do not love her," Mrs. Paragon persisted.
"It was not love made me behave like that. It was brutal. I had no true passion at all. I disgusted her."
[Pg 273]
Mrs. Paragon suddenly rose.
"What has Lady Mary said? How did she part from you?"
Peter looked at her in wonder. What was his mother going to do now?
"She said she would write," he answered. "Her eyes were closed."
Mrs. Paragon saw that this was not Peter's tragedy. She could leave him to his remorse27.
"Give me my cloak, Peter."
"Where are you going?"
Mrs. Paragon ignored his question.
"What is Lady Mary doing now?" she asked.
"She promised to wait for Antony. The division to-night is at eleven o'clock."
Mrs. Paragon looked at the clock.
"It is now half-past ten. Call me a cab, Peter."
"You are going to her?"
"Of course."
On the way to Arlington Street Mrs. Paragon saw the radiant figure of the woman, to whom she had trusted Peter, in dreadful eclipse. She passed without a word Lady Mary's protesting servant, and went directly to her room. Lady Mary still lay with closed eyes where she had been struck down. Mrs. Paragon moved quietly towards her, and gathered her like a child. She opened her eyes, accepting Peter's mother with a clasp of the hand.
"You have seen Peter?" she quietly asked.
[Pg 274]
"He has just come home. He says he has for ever offended you."
Lady Mary smiled.
"I will send him a word to-night," she said. "I have just been trying to understand. I think I shall soon be happy. I know now that Peter does not love me. That makes it so much easier."
"He worships you," Mrs. Paragon insisted.
"Can that be restored?"
"More than ever now. I am sure he would want me to tell you that."
Lady Mary raised herself from Mrs. Paragon's shoulder and looked at her.
"I cannot yet measure this breach28 in Peter. He has loved me from the moment we came together at Highbury. But to-night I was humbled29. There was no love at all. I cannot now believe that Peter will ever truly love. There is a rift."
"You are wrong," said Peter's mother.
Mrs. Paragon told Lady Mary how lately she had watched beside him as he wandered in an empty house. Lady Mary heard the story of Miranda.
"I think he is wandering still," concluded Peter's mother.
"You should have found this girl," said Lady Mary.
Mrs. Paragon paused a moment.
"I have tried," she said at last.
"Can't she be traced?"
"You remember the great liner that went down[Pg 275] four years ago? She was not on the list of people saved."
"When did you discover this?"
"I inquired shortly after Peter's illness."
Lady Mary thought a little.
"Perhaps it is better so," she said after a pause.
"Why do you say that?"
"Peter has surely grown away from these people. He would not have found his dream."
A shutting door warned Lady Mary that her brother had returned. She rose from the settee, and went to the writing table. When she had finished her few lines, she gave them to Mrs. Paragon, who, asking Lady Mary with a look, was invited to read them:
"Peter,—I beg you not to distress30 yourself. I am determined31 to forget what happened this evening, and I rely on you not to brood on things which are finished. You know now that I am more than ever right to become the wife of Lord Wenderby. I want you to meet me without awkwardness or self-reproach. There is no need for one or the other. Nothing has changed.
"I am sending this by your dear mother.
"Mary."
Mrs. Paragon handed back the sheet.
"You are kind," she said.
"I have nothing to resent."
She sealed the letter, and addressed it. "When[Pg 276] Peter has got over his remorse, you will bring him back," she suggested.
"His remorse is too keen to last," Mrs. Paragon said quite simply. She did not intend to be critical.
Lady Mary kissed Mrs. Paragon tenderly.
"It was beautiful of you to come," she whispered.
Peter was waiting for his mother, and met her anxiously at the door. Lady Mary's letter acted as she intended. It was a dash of water upon the fires of his despair. Reading her collected sentences, he could hardly believe he had seen love and pain unutterable in her eyes. She was, in her letter, restored to serenity32 as one to be remotely worshipped. An added majesty33 had crowned her. She was dedicated to a great historic part. Already as Mrs. Paragon returned, the news was spread from waiting presses that the Government had fallen. They screamed it in the street below. Now that his personal passion was out of the way, Peter began to see these issues in a large and national perspective. He remembered Haversham's vibrant34 wish that he might have had some share in this event—the event of which Lady Mary was motive35 and queen.
Peter's recovery was rapid. Alternately the week through he wavered between the remorse of one who had erred26 unspeakably and the exultation36 of one still privileged to witness the flight of an angel. Then, one bright morning, he [Pg 277]discovered that these extremes had vanished in a quiet sense, that a chapter of his life had closed. Rapture was going out of his late adventure, making way for a steady sense that Lady Mary was very admirable and an excellent friend.
After a few days spent mostly with his mother, he was enough in tune37 with Lady Mary's letter to visit her in Arlington Street. Wenderby was waiting for her, and, before she came down to them, they were a few moments together. Peter was surprised at the cordiality of his feelings for the man he had so long distrusted. Wenderby had an instinct for meeting people in their own way. He at once saw the change in Peter.
"I think you know of my engagement?" he said abruptly38.
"Has Lady Mary told you everything?" Peter asked.
"Not everything," Wenderby answered with a faint smile. "I have inferred the greater part."
"You will be very proud of her," said Peter impulsively39.
"You believe that I understand my good fortune?"
Lady Mary came in as they spoke40. Peter was astonished at the ease with which they talked together of small things. He tranquilly41 withdrew at the end of a few moments. Lady Mary was frank and free. She seemed entirely at peace. There had not been a sign of effort in her friendly greeting.
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1
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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3
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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verity
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| n.真实性 | |
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dishonoured
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| a.不光彩的，不名誉的 | |
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6
dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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7
brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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rift
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| n.裂口，隙缝，切口；v.裂开，割开，渗入 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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12
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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13
coveting
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| v.贪求，觊觎( covet的现在分词 ) | |
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14
expiated
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| v.为（所犯罪过）接受惩罚，赎（罪）( expiate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
quailed
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| 害怕，发抖，畏缩( quail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
outraged
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| a.震惊的，义愤填膺的 | |
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17
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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18
insistently
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| ad.坚持地 | |
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19
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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20
brutally
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| adv.残忍地，野蛮地，冷酷无情地 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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22
paragon
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| n.模范，典型 | |
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23
unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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24
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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quaintly
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| adv.古怪离奇地 | |
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26
erred
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| 犯错误，做错事( err的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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28
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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29
humbled
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| adj. 卑下的，谦逊的，粗陋的 vt. 使 ... 卑下，贬低 | |
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30
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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31
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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32
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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33
majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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34
vibrant
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| adj.震颤的，响亮的，充满活力的，精力充沛的，(色彩)鲜明的 | |
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35
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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36
exultation
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| n.狂喜，得意 | |
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37
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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38
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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39
impulsively
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| adv.冲动地 | |
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40
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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41
tranquilly
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| adv. 宁静地 | |
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