WHEN I told the king I was going out disguised as a petty freeman to scour1 the country and familiarize myself with the humbler life of the people, he was all afire with the novelty of the thing in a minute, and was bound to take a chance in the adventure himself -- nothing should stop him -- he would drop everything and go along -- it was the prettiest idea he had run across for many a day. He wanted to glide2 out the back way and start at once; but I showed him that that wouldn't answer. You see, he was billed for the king's-evil -- to touch for it, I mean -- and it wouldn't be right to disappoint the house and it wouldn't make a delay worth considering, anyway, it was only a one-night stand. And I thought he ought to tell the queen he was going away. He clouded up at that and looked sad. I was sorry I had spoken, especially when he said mournfully:
"Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here; and where Launcelot is, she noteth not the going forth3 of the king, nor what day he returneth."
Of course, I changed the Subject. Yes, Guenever was beautiful, it is true, but take her all around she was pretty slack. I never meddled4 in these matters, they weren't my affair, but I did hate to see the way things were going on, and I don't mind saying that much. Many's the time she had asked me, "Sir Boss, hast seen Sir Launcelot about?" but if ever she went fretting5 around for the king I didn't happen to be around at the time.
There was a very good lay-out for the king's-evil business -- very tidy and creditable. The king sat under a canopy6 of state; about him were clustered a large body of the clergy7 in full canonicals. Conspicuous8, both for location and personal outfit9, stood Marinel, a hermit10 of the quack-doctor species, to introduce the sick. All abroad over the spacious11 floor, and clear down to the doors, in a thick jumble12, lay or sat the scrofulous, under a strong light. It was as good as a tableau13; in fact, it had all the look of being gotten up for that, though it wasn't. There were eight hundred sick people present. The work was slow; it lacked the interest of novelty for me, because I had seen the ceremonies before; the thing soon became tedious, but the proprieties14 required me to stick it out. The doctor was there for the reason that in all such crowds there were many people who only imagined something was the matter with them, and many who were consciously sound but wanted the immortal15 honor of fleshly contact with a king, and yet others who pretended to illness in order to get the piece of coin that went with the touch. Up to this time this coin had been a wee little gold piece worth about a third of a dollar. When you consider how much that amount of money would buy, in that age and country, and how usual it was to be scrofulous, when not dead, you would understand that the annual king's-evil appropriation16 was just the River and Harbor bill of that government for the grip it took on the treasury17 and the chance it afforded for skinning the surplus. So I had privately18 concluded to touch the treasury itself for the king's-evil. I covered sixsevenths of the appropriation into the treasury a week before starting from Camelot on my adventures, and ordered that the other seventh be inflated19 into fivecent nickels and delivered into the hands of the head clerk of the King's Evil Department; a nickel to take the place of each gold coin, you see, and do its work for it. It might strain the nickel some, but I judged it could stand i
t. As a rule, I do not approve of watering stock, but I considered it square enough in this case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course, you can water a gift as much as you want to; and I generally do. The old gold and silver coins of the country were of ancient and unknown origin, as a rule, but some of them were Roman; they were ill-shapen, and seldom rounder than a moon that is a week past the full; they were hammered, not minted, and they were so worn with use that the devices upon them were as illegible20 as blisters21, and looked like them. I judged that a sharp, bright new nickel, with a first-rate likeness22 of the king on one side of it and Guenever on the other, and a blooming pious23 motto, would take the tuck out of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin and please the scrofulous fancy more; and I was right. This batch24 was the first it was tried on, and it worked to a charm. The saving in expense was a notable economy. You will see that by these figures: We touched a trifle over 700 of the 800 patients; at former rates, this would have cost the government about $240; at the new rate we pulled through for about $35, thus saving upward of $200 at one swoop25. To appreciate the full magnitude of this stroke, consider these other figures: the annual expenses of a national government amount to the equivalent of a contribution of three days' average wages of every individual of the population, counting every individual as if he were a man. If you take a nation of 60,000,000, where average wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken from each individual will provide $360,000,000 and pay the government's expenses. In my day, in my own country, this money was collected from imposts, and the citizen imagined that the foreign importer paid it, and it made him comfortable to think so; whereas, in fact, it was paid by the American people, and was so equally and exactly distributed among them that the annual cost to the 100-millionaire and the annual cost to the sucking child of the day-laborer was precisely26 the same -- ea
ch paid $6. Nothing could be equaler than that, I reckon. Well, Scotland and Ireland were tributary27 to Arthur, and the united populations of the British Islands amounted to something less than 1,OOO,OOO. A mechanic's average wage was 3 cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this rule the national government's expenses were $90,000 a year, or about $250 a day. Thus, by the substitution of nickels for gold on a king's-evil day, I not only injured no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased all concerned and saved four-fifths of that day's national expense into the bargain -- a saving which would have been the equivalent of $800,000 in my day in America. In making this substitution I had drawn28 upon the wisdom of a very remote source -- the wisdom of my boyhood -- for the true statesman does not despise any wisdom, howsoever lowly may be its origin: in my boyhood I had always saved my pennies and contributed buttons to the foreign missionary29 cause. The buttons would answer the ignorant savage30 as well as the coin, the coin would answer me better than the buttons; all hands were happy and nobody hurt.
Marinel took the patients as they came. He examined the candidate; if he couldn't qualify he was warned off; if he could he was passed along to the king. A priest pronounced the words, "They shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Then the king stroked the ulcers31, while the reading continued; finally, the patient graduated and got his nickel -- the king hanging it around his neck himself -and was dismissed. Would you think that that would cure? It certainly did. Any mummery will cure if the patient's faith is strong in it. Up by Astolat there was a chapel32 where the Virgin33 had once appeared to a girl who used to herd34 geese around there -- the girl said so herself -- and they built the chapel upon that spot and hung a picture in it representing the occurrence -- a picture which you would think it dangerous for a sick person to approach; whereas, on the contrary, thousands of the lame35 and the sick came and prayed before it every year and went away whole and sound; and even the well could look upon it and live. Of course, when I was told these things I did not believe them; but when I went there and saw them I had to succumb36. I saw the cures effected myself; and they were real cures and not questionable37. I saw cripples whom I had seen around Camelot for years on crutches38, arrive and pray before that picture, and put down their crutches and walk off without a limp. There were piles of crutches there which had been left by such people as a testimony39.
In other places people operated on a patient's mind, without saying a word to him, and cured him. In others, experts assembled patients in a room and prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and those patients went away cured. Wherever you find a king who can't cure the king's-evil you can be sure that the most valuable superstition40 that supports his throne -- the subject's belief in the divine appointment of his sovereign -- has passed away. In my youth the monarchs41 of England had ceased to touch for the evil, but there was no occasion for this diffidence: they could have cured it forty-nine times in fifty.
Well, when the priest had been droning for three hours, and the good king polishing the evidences, and the sick were still pressing forward as plenty as ever, I got to feeling intolerably bored. I was sitting by an open window not far from the canopy of state. For the five hundredth time a patient stood forward to have his repulsivenesses stroked; again those words were being droned out: "they shall lay their hands on the sick" -- when outside there rang clear as a clarion42 a note that enchanted43 my soul and tumbled thirteen worthless centuries about my ears: "Camelot WEEKLY HOSANNAH AND LITERARY VOLCANO! -- latest irruption -only two cents -- all about the big miracle in the Valley of Holiness!" One greater than kings had arrived -- the newsboy. But I was the only person in all that throng44 who knew the meaning of this mighty45 birth, and what this imperial magician was come into the world to do.
I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my paper; the Adam-newsboy of the world went around the corner to get my change; is around the corner yet. It was delicious to see a newspaper again, yet I was conscious of a secret shock when my eye fell upon the first batch of display head-lines. I had lived in a clammy atmosphere of reverence46, respect, deference47, so long that they sent a quivery little cold wave through me:
HIGH TIMES IN THE VALLEY
OF HOLINESS!
---
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BRER MERLIN WORKS HIS ARTS, BUT GETS
LEFT?
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But the Boss scores on his first Innings!
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The Miraculous49 Well Uncorked amid
awful outbursts of
INFERNAL FIRE AND SMOKE
ATHUNDER!
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THE BUZZARD-ROOST ASTONISHED!
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UNPARALLELED REJOIBINGS!
-- and so on, and so on. Yes, it was too loud. Once I could have enjoyed it and seen nothing out of the way about it, but now its note was discordant50. It was good Arkansas journalism51, but this was not Arkansas. Moreover, the next to the last line was calculated to give offense52 to the hermits53, and perhaps lose us their advertising55. Indeed, there was too lightsome a tone of flippancy56 all through the paper. It was plain I had undergone a considerable change without noticing it. I found myself unpleasantly affected57 by pert little irreverencies which would have seemed but proper and airy graces of speech at an earlier period of my life. There was an abundance of the following breed of items, and they discomforted me:
Sir Launcelot met up with old King Agrivance of Ireland unexpectedly last weok over on the moor59 south of Sir Balmoral le Merveilleuse's hog60 dasture.
The widow has been notified.
Expedition No. 3 will start adout the first of mext month on a search f8r Sir Sagramour le Desirous. It is in comand of the renowned61 Knight62 of the Red Lawns, assissted by Sir Persant of Inde, who is compete9t. intelligent, courteous63, and in every way a brick, and furtHer assisted by Sir Palamides the Saracen, who is no huckleberry hinself.
This is no pic-nic, these boys mean busine&s.
The readers of the Hosannah will regret to learn that the hadndsome and popular Sir Charolais of Gaul, who during his four weeks' stay at the Bull and Halibut, this city, has won every heart by his polished manners and elegant cPnversation, will pUll out to-day for home. Give us another call, Charley!
The bdsiness end of the funeral of the late Sir Dalliance the duke's son of Cornwall, killed in an encounter with the Giant of the Knotted Bludgeon last Tuesday on the borders of the Plain of Enchantment64 was in the hands of the ever affable and efficient Mumble65, prince of un3ertakers, then whom there exists none by whom it were a more satisfying pleasure to have the last sad offices performed. Give him a trial.
The cordial thanks of the Hosannah office are due, from editor down to devil, to the ever courteous and thoughtful Lord High Stew66 d of the Palace's Third Assistant V t for several sauceTs of ice crEam a quality calculated to make the ey of the recipients67 humid with grt ude; and it done it.
When this administration wants to chalk up a desirable name for early promotion68, the Hosannah would like a chance to sudgest.
The Demoiselle Irene Dewlap, of South Astolat, is visiting her uncle, the popular host of the Cattlemen's Boarding Ho&se, Liver Lane, this city.
Young Barker the bellows-mender is hoMe again, and looks much improved by his vacation round-up among the utlying smithies. See his ad.
Of course it was good enough journalism for a beginning; I knew that quite well, and yet it was somehow disappointing. The "Court Circular" pleased me better; indeed, its simple and dignified69 respectfulness was a distinct refreshment70 to me after all those disgraceful familiarities. But even it could have been improved. Do what one may, there is no getting an air of variety into a court circular, I acknowledge that. There is a profound monotonousness about its facts that baffles and defeats one's sincerest efforts to make them sparkle and enthuse. The best way to manage -in fact, the only sensible way -- is to disguise repetitiousness of fact under variety of form: skin your fact each time and lay on a new cuticle71 of words. It deceives the eye; you think it is a new fact; it gives you the idea that the court is carrying on like everything; this excites you, and you drain the whole column, with a good appetite, and perhaps never notice that it's a barrel of soup made out of a single bean. Clarence's way was good, it was simple, it was dignified, it was direct and business-like; all I say is, it was not the best way:
COURT CIRCULAR.
On Monday, the king rode in the park.
" Tuesday, " " "
" Wendesday " " "
" Thursday " " "
" Friday, " " "
" Saturday " " "
" Sunday, " " "
However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly pleased with it. Little crudities of a mechanical sort were observable here and there, but there were not enough of them to amount to anything, and it was good enough Arkansas proof-reading, anyhow, and better than was needed in Arthur's day and realm. As a rule, the grammar was leaky and the construction more or less lame; but I did not much mind these things. They are common defects of my own, and one mustn't criticise72 other people on grounds where he can't stand perpendicular73 himself.
I was hungry enough for literature to want to take down the whole paper at this one meal, but I got only a few bites, and then had to postpone74, because the monks75 around me besieged76 me so with eager questions: What is this curious thing? What is it for? Is it a handkerchief? -- saddle blanket? -- part of a shirt? What is it made of? How thin it is, and how dainty and frail77; and how it rattles78. Will it wear, do you think, and won't the rain injure it? Is it writing that appears on it, or is it only ornamentation? They suspected it was writing, because those among them who knew how to read Latin and had a smattering of Greek, recognized some of the letters, but they could make nothing out of the result as a whole. I put my information in the simplest form I could:
"It is a public journal; I will explain what that is, another time. It is not cloth, it is made of paper; some time I will explain what paper is. The lines on it are reading matter; and not written by hand, but printed; by and by I will explain what printing is. A thousand of these sheets have been made, all exactly like this, in every minute detail -- they can't be told apart." Then they all broke out with exclamations79 of surprise and admiration80:
"A thousand! Verily a mighty work -- a year's work for many men."
"No -- merely a day's work for a man and a boy."
They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protective prayer or two.
"Ah-h -- a miracle, a wonder! Dark work of enchantment."
I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to as many as could crowd their shaven heads within hearing distance, part of the account of the miracle of the restoration of the well, and was accompanied by astonished and reverent81 ejaculations all through: "Ah-h-h!" "How true!" "Amazing, amazing!" "These be the very haps54 as they happened, in marvelous exactness!" And might they take this strange thing in their hands, and feel of it and examine it? -- they would be very careful. Yes. So they took it, handling it as cautiously and devoutly82 as if it had been some holy thing come from some supernatural region; and gently felt of its texture83, caressed84 its pleasant smooth surface with lingering touch, and scanned the mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These grouped bent85 heads, these charmed faces, these speaking eyes -- how beautiful to me! For was not this my darling, and was not all this mute wonder and interest and homage86 a most eloquent87 tribute and unforced compliment to it? I knew, then, how a mother feels when women, whether strangers or friends, take her new baby, and close themselves about it with one eager impulse, and bend their heads over it in a tranced adoration88 that makes all the rest of the universe vanish out of their consciousness and be as if it were not, for that time. I knew how she feels, and that there is no other satisfied ambition, whether of king, conqueror89, or poet, that ever reaches half-way to that serene90 far summit or yields half so divine a contentment.
During all the rest of the seance my paper traveled from group to group all up and down and about that huge hall, and my happy eye was upon it always, and I sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, drunk with enjoyment91. Yes, this was heaven; I was tasting it once, if I might never taste it more.
1 scour | |
v.搜索;擦,洗,腹泻,冲刷 | |
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2 glide | |
n./v.溜,滑行;(时间)消逝 | |
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3 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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4 meddled | |
v.干涉,干预(他人事务)( meddle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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5 fretting | |
n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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6 canopy | |
n.天篷,遮篷 | |
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7 clergy | |
n.[总称]牧师,神职人员 | |
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8 conspicuous | |
adj.明眼的,惹人注目的;炫耀的,摆阔气的 | |
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9 outfit | |
n.(为特殊用途的)全套装备,全套服装 | |
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10 hermit | |
n.隐士,修道者;隐居 | |
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11 spacious | |
adj.广阔的,宽敞的 | |
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12 jumble | |
vt.使混乱,混杂;n.混乱;杂乱的一堆 | |
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13 tableau | |
n.画面,活人画(舞台上活人扮的静态画面) | |
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14 proprieties | |
n.礼仪,礼节;礼貌( propriety的名词复数 );规矩;正当;合适 | |
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15 immortal | |
adj.不朽的;永生的,不死的;神的 | |
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16 appropriation | |
n.拨款,批准支出 | |
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17 treasury | |
n.宝库;国库,金库;文库 | |
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18 privately | |
adv.以私人的身份,悄悄地,私下地 | |
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19 inflated | |
adj.(价格)飞涨的;(通货)膨胀的;言过其实的;充了气的v.使充气(于轮胎、气球等)( inflate的过去式和过去分词 );(使)膨胀;(使)通货膨胀;物价上涨 | |
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20 illegible | |
adj.难以辨认的,字迹模糊的 | |
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21 blisters | |
n.水疱( blister的名词复数 );水肿;气泡 | |
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22 likeness | |
n.相像,相似(之处) | |
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23 pious | |
adj.虔诚的;道貌岸然的 | |
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24 batch | |
n.一批(组,群);一批生产量 | |
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25 swoop | |
n.俯冲,攫取;v.抓取,突然袭击 | |
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26 precisely | |
adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地 | |
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27 tributary | |
n.支流;纳贡国;adj.附庸的;辅助的;支流的 | |
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28 drawn | |
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
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29 missionary | |
adj.教会的,传教(士)的;n.传教士 | |
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30 savage | |
adj.野蛮的;凶恶的,残暴的;n.未开化的人 | |
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31 ulcers | |
n.溃疡( ulcer的名词复数 );腐烂物;道德败坏;腐败 | |
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32 chapel | |
n.小教堂,殡仪馆 | |
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33 virgin | |
n.处女,未婚女子;adj.未经使用的;未经开发的 | |
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34 herd | |
n.兽群,牧群;vt.使集中,把…赶在一起 | |
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35 lame | |
adj.跛的,(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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36 succumb | |
v.屈服,屈从;死 | |
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37 questionable | |
adj.可疑的,有问题的 | |
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38 crutches | |
n.拐杖, 支柱 v.支撑 | |
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39 testimony | |
n.证词;见证,证明 | |
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40 superstition | |
n.迷信,迷信行为 | |
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41 monarchs | |
君主,帝王( monarch的名词复数 ) | |
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42 clarion | |
n.尖音小号声;尖音小号 | |
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43 enchanted | |
adj. 被施魔法的,陶醉的,入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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44 throng | |
n.人群,群众;v.拥挤,群集 | |
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45 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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46 reverence | |
n.敬畏,尊敬,尊严;Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称;v.尊敬,敬畏,崇敬 | |
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47 deference | |
n.尊重,顺从;敬意 | |
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48 corked | |
adj.带木塞气味的,塞着瓶塞的v.用瓶塞塞住( cork的过去式 ) | |
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49 miraculous | |
adj.像奇迹一样的,不可思议的 | |
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50 discordant | |
adj.不调和的 | |
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51 journalism | |
n.新闻工作,报业 | |
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52 offense | |
n.犯规,违法行为;冒犯,得罪 | |
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53 hermits | |
(尤指早期基督教的)隐居修道士,隐士,遁世者( hermit的名词复数 ) | |
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54 haps | |
n.粗厚毛披巾;偶然,机会,运气( hap的名词复数 ) | |
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55 advertising | |
n.广告业;广告活动 a.广告的;广告业务的 | |
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56 flippancy | |
n.轻率;浮躁;无礼的行动 | |
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57 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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58 cinders | |
n.煤渣( cinder的名词复数 );炭渣;煤渣路;煤渣跑道 | |
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59 moor | |
n.荒野,沼泽;vt.(使)停泊;vi.停泊 | |
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60 hog | |
n.猪;馋嘴贪吃的人;vt.把…占为己有,独占 | |
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61 renowned | |
adj.著名的,有名望的,声誉鹊起的 | |
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62 knight | |
n.骑士,武士;爵士 | |
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63 courteous | |
adj.彬彬有礼的,客气的 | |
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64 enchantment | |
n.迷惑,妖术,魅力 | |
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65 mumble | |
n./v.喃喃而语,咕哝 | |
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66 stew | |
n.炖汤,焖,烦恼;v.炖汤,焖,忧虑 | |
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67 recipients | |
adj.接受的;受领的;容纳的;愿意接受的n.收件人;接受者;受领者;接受器 | |
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68 promotion | |
n.提升,晋级;促销,宣传 | |
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69 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
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70 refreshment | |
n.恢复,精神爽快,提神之事物;(复数)refreshments:点心,茶点 | |
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71 cuticle | |
n.表皮 | |
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72 criticise | |
v.批评,评论;非难 | |
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73 perpendicular | |
adj.垂直的,直立的;n.垂直线,垂直的位置 | |
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74 postpone | |
v.延期,推迟 | |
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75 monks | |
n.修道士,僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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76 besieged | |
包围,围困,围攻( besiege的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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77 frail | |
adj.身体虚弱的;易损坏的 | |
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78 rattles | |
(使)发出格格的响声, (使)作嘎嘎声( rattle的第三人称单数 ); 喋喋不休地说话; 迅速而嘎嘎作响地移动,堕下或走动; 使紧张,使恐惧 | |
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79 exclamations | |
n.呼喊( exclamation的名词复数 );感叹;感叹语;感叹词 | |
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80 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
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81 reverent | |
adj.恭敬的,虔诚的 | |
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82 devoutly | |
adv.虔诚地,虔敬地,衷心地 | |
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83 texture | |
n.(织物)质地;(材料)构造;结构;肌理 | |
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84 caressed | |
爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85 bent | |
n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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86 homage | |
n.尊敬,敬意,崇敬 | |
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87 eloquent | |
adj.雄辩的,口才流利的;明白显示出的 | |
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88 adoration | |
n.爱慕,崇拜 | |
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89 conqueror | |
n.征服者,胜利者 | |
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90 serene | |
adj. 安详的,宁静的,平静的 | |
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91 enjoyment | |
n.乐趣;享有;享用 | |
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