He could not tell exactly what it was that had invigorated him, and jerked him out of his despair. It would seem as if Alice's presence alone had tonic4 qualities. Perhaps the secret lay in her unchangeableness. He had gone back to her after an absence of five years, and found her just the same, still loving him, still fighting him, the old Alice. Everything else had changed—his farm which in the former days had been the thriving envy of the countryside was now little better than a ruin, his home life had been turned inside out, but in the woman over at Cheat Land nothing had altered, love and strength and faithfulness still flourished in her. It was as if a man stumbling in darkness should suddenly hear a loved, familiar voice say "Here I am." The situation summed itself up in three words—She was there; and his heart added—"for me to take if I choose."
In spite of his revived spirits he could not sleep, but he went up early to his room, for he wanted to think. During the evening the idea had gained on him that he could still have Alice if he wanted her, and with the idea had grown the sensation that he wanted her with all his heart.
His return had been complete. All that she had ever had and lost of empire had re-established itself during that hour at Cheat Land. He wanted her as he had wanted her before he met Rose, but with a renewed intensity5, for he was no longer mystified by his desire. He no longer asked himself how he could possibly love "a liddle stick of a woman like her," for he saw how utterly6 love-worthy she was and had always been. For the first time he saw as his, if only he would take it, a great woman's faithful love. This love of Alice Jury's had nothing akin7 to Naomi's poor little fluttering passion, or to Rose's fascination8, half appetite, half[Pg 327] game. Someone loved him truly, strongly, purely9, deeply, with a fire that could be extinguished only by death or—he realised in a dim way—her own will. The question was, should he pay the price this love demanded, take it to himself at the cost of the ambitions that had fed his life for forty years?
He sat down by the open window, leaning his elbow on the sill. The night was as soft as honey, and dark as a bowl of wine. The stars were scattered10 and dim, the moon had dipped into a belt of fogs, the fields were bloomed with darkness and sleep. The ridge11 of Boarzell was just visible under the Dog Star—the lump of firs stood motionless, for the wind had dropped, and not even a whisper from the orchard12 proclaimed its sleeping place.
Reuben's eyes swept the dim outlines of his farm—the yard, the barns, the oasts, the fields beyond, up to where his boundaries scarred the waste. It was all blurred13 and blanketed in the darkness, but his mind could see it in every detail. He saw the cow-stable empty except for the six cheap Suffolks which just supplied his household and one or two gentry14 with milk; he saw doors split and unhinged that he could not afford to mend, gaping15 roofs that he could not afford to retile, while the martins stole his thatch16 for their autumn broods; he saw his oat-harvest mostly straw, his hop-harvest gathered at a loss, his hay spoiled with sorrel; he saw himself short of labour, one man turned off, another run away; and he saw all the flints and shards17 and lime of Boarzell breaking his plough, choking his winter wheat, while on the lower ground runnels of clay made his corn sedgy, and everywhere the tough, wiry fibres of the gorse drank all the little there was of goodness out of the ground and scattered it from its blossoms in useless fragrance18.
This was what his forty years of struggle had brought him to. He saw himself in the midst of a huge [Pg 328]ambitious ruin. He had failed, his hopes were blighted—what could he expect to pull out of this wreck19. It would be far better and wiser if he gave up the dreary20 uncertain battle, and took the sure rest at hand. If he sold some of the more fruitful part of his land he would be able to divorce Rose, then he could marry Alice and live with her a quiet, shorn, unambitious life. No one would buy the new ground on Boarzell, but he could easily sell the low fields by the Glotten brook21; that would leave him with twenty or thirty acres of fairly good land round the farm, and all his useless encroachments on Boarzell which he would allow to relapse into their former state. He would have enough to live upon, to support his children and his delicate wife—he would be able to take no risks and make no ventures, but he would be comfortable.
His old father's words came back to him—"I've no ambitions, so I'm a happy man. I d?an't want nothing I haven't got, so I haven't got nothing I d?an't want." Perhaps his father had been right. After all, what had he, Reuben, got by being ambitious? Comfort, peace, home-life, wife, children, were all so many bitter words to him, and his great plans themselves had crumbled22 into failure—he had lost everything to gain nothing.
Far better give up the struggle while there was the chance of an honourable23 retreat. He realised that he was at the turning point—a step further along his old course and he would lose Alice, a step along the road she pointed24, and he would lose Boarzell. After all he had not won Boarzell, most likely never would win it—if he persisted on his old ways they would probably only lead him to ruin, and later there might be no Alice to turn to. If he renounced25 her now, he would be definitely pledging himself to Boarzell and all his soaring, tottering26 schemes—he would not be able to "come back" a second time.
If he lost Alice now he might be losing her for a dream,[Pg 329] a bubble, a will-o'-the-wisp. Surely he would be wise to pull what he could out of the wreck, take her, and forget all else. Only a fool would turn away from her now, and press forward. In the old days it had been different, he had been successful then—now he was a failure, and saw his chance to fail honourably27. Better take it before it was too late.
His mind painted him a picture it had never dared paint before—the comfortable red house basking28 in sunshine, with a garden full of flowers, a cow or two at pasture in the meadow, the little hop-field his only tilth—his dear frail29 wife sitting in the porch, his children playing at her feet or reading at her knee—perhaps they were hers too, perhaps they were not. He saw himself contented30, growing stout31, wanting nothing he hadn't got, so having nothing he didn't want ... he was leaning over her chair, and gazing away into the southern distance where Boarzell lay against the sky, all patched with heather and thorns, all golden with gorse, unirrigated, uncultivated, without furrow32 or fence....
... A shudder33 passed through Reuben, a long shudder of his flesh, for in at the open window had drifted the scent34 of the gorse on Boarzell. It came on no wind, the night was windless as before. It just seemed to creep to him over the fields, to hang on the air like a reproach. It was the scent of peaches and apricots, of sunshine caught and distilled35. He leaned forward out of the window, and thought he could see the glimmer36 of the gorse-clumps under the stars.
The edge of Boarzell was outlined black against the faintly paler sky—he traced it from the woods in which it rose, up to its crest37 of firs, then down into the woods again. Once more it lay between him and the soft desires of his weakness; as long ago at Cheat Land, it called him back to his allegiance like a love forsaken38. In the black quiet it lay hullish like some beast—but it was more than a beast to-night. It was like the gorse on its heights, delicate perfume as well as murderous fibre, sweetness as well as ferocity. The scent, impregnating the motionless air, seemed to remind him that Boarzell was his love as well as his enemy—more, far more to him than Alice.
His ambition flared39 up like a damped furnace, and he suddenly saw himself a coward ever to have thought of rest. Boarzell was more to him than any woman in the world. For the sake of one weak woman he was not going to sacrifice all his hopes and dreams and enterprises, the great love of his life.
Boarzell, not Alice, should be his. He muttered the words aloud as he strained his eyes into the darkness, tracing the beloved outline. He despised himself for having wavered even in thought. Through blood and tears—others' and his own—he would wade40 to Boarzell, and conquer it at last. From that night all would be changed, the past should be thrust behind him, he would pull himself together, make himself a man. Alice must go where everything else had gone—mother, wife, children, friends, and love. Thank God! Boarzell was worth more to him than all these.
Leaning out of the window, he breathed in the scent of his slumbering41 land. His lips parted, his eyes brightened, the lines of care and age grew softer on his face. With his darling ambition, he seemed to recover his youth—once more he felt the blood glowing in his veins42, while zeal43 and adventure throbbed44 together in his heart. He had conquered the softer mood, and banished45 the sweet unworthy, dreams for ever. Alice—who had nearly vanquished46 him—should go the way of all enemies.
And the last enemy to be destroyed is Love.
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1
stimulated
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| a.刺激的 | |
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drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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tonic
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| n./adj.滋补品，补药，强身的，健体的 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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akin
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| adj.同族的，类似的 | |
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8
fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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ridge
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| n.山脊；鼻梁；分水岭 | |
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orchard
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| n.果园，果园里的全部果树，(美俚)棒球场 | |
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13
blurred
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| v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离 | |
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14
gentry
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| n.绅士阶级，上层阶级 | |
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15
gaping
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| adj.口的；张口的；敞口的；多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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thatch
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| vt.用茅草覆盖…的顶部；n.茅草(屋) | |
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17
shards
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| n.（玻璃、金属或其他硬物的）尖利的碎片( shard的名词复数 ) | |
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18
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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crumbled
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| （把…）弄碎， （使）碎成细屑( crumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 衰落； 坍塌； 损坏 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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26
tottering
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| adj.蹒跚的，动摇的v.走得或动得不稳( totter的现在分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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honourably
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| adv.可尊敬地，光荣地，体面地 | |
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basking
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| v.晒太阳，取暖( bask的现在分词 )；对…感到乐趣；因他人的功绩而出名；仰仗…的余泽 | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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furrow
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| n.沟；垄沟；轨迹；车辙；皱纹 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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34
scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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35
distilled
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| adj.由蒸馏得来的v.蒸馏( distil的过去式和过去分词 )；从…提取精华 | |
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glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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crest
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| n.顶点；饰章；羽冠；vt.达到顶点；vi.形成浪尖 | |
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38
Forsaken
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| adj. 被遗忘的, 被抛弃的 动词forsake的过去分词 | |
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39
Flared
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| adj. 端部张开的, 爆发的, 加宽的, 漏斗式的 动词flare的过去式和过去分词 | |
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40
wade
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| v.跋涉，涉水；n.跋涉 | |
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41
slumbering
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的现在分词形式） | |
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42
veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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43
zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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44
throbbed
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| 抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 )； （心脏、脉搏等）跳动 | |
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45
banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
vanquished
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| v.征服( vanquish的过去式和过去分词 )；战胜；克服；抑制 | |
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