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Chapter 5 In the Train
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ONE DAY at this time Birkin was called to London. He was not very fixed1 in his abode2. He had rooms in Nottingham, because his work lay chiefly in that town. But often he was in London, or in Oxford3. He moved about a great deal, his life seemed uncertain, without any definite rhythm, any organic meaning.

On the platform of the railway station he saw Gerald Crich, reading a newspaper, and evidently waiting for the train. Birkin stood some distance off, among the people. It was against his instinct to approach anybody.

From time to time, in a manner characteristic of him, Gerald lifted his head and looked round. Even though he was reading the newspaper closely, he must keep a watchful4 eye on his external surroundings. There seemed to be a dual5 consciousness running in him. He was thinking vigorously of something he read in the newspaper, and at the same time his eye ran over the surfaces of the life round him, and he missed nothing. Birkin, who was watching him, was irritated by his duality. He noticed too, that Gerald seemed always to be at bay against everybody, in spite of his queer, genial6, social manner when roused.

Now Birkin started violently at seeing this genial look flash on to Gerald's face, at seeing Gerald approaching with hand outstretched.

`Hallo, Rupert, where are you going?'

`London. So are you, I suppose.'

`Yes --'

Gerald's eyes went over Birkin's face in curiosity.

`We'll travel together if you like,' he said.

`Don't you usually go first?' asked Birkin.

`I can't stand the crowd,' replied Gerald. `But third'll be all right. There's a restaurant car, we can have some tea.'

The two men looked at the station clock, having nothing further to say.

`What were you reading in the paper?' Birkin asked.

Gerald looked at him quickly.

`Isn't it funny, what they do put in the newspapers,' he said. `Here are two leaders --' he held out his Daily Telegraph, `full of the ordinary newspaper cant7 --' he scanned the columns down -- `and then there's this little -- I dunno what you'd call it, essay, almost -- appearing with the leaders, and saying there must arise a man who will give new values to things, give us new truths, a new attitude to life, or else we shall be a crumbling8 nothingness in a few years, a country in ruin --'

`I suppose that's a bit of newspaper cant, as well,' said Birkin.

`It sounds as if the man meant it, and quite genuinely,' said Gerald.

`Give it to me,' said Birkin, holding out his hand for the paper.

The train came, and they went on board, sitting on either side a little table, by the window, in the restaurant car. Birkin glanced over his paper, then looked up at Gerald, who was waiting for him.

`I believe the man means it,' he said, `as far as he means anything.'

`And do you think it's true? Do you think we really want a new gospel?' asked Gerald.

Birkin shrugged9 his shoulders.

`I think the people who say they want a new religion are the last to accept anything new. They want novelty right enough. But to stare straight at this life that we've brought upon ourselves, and reject it, absolutely smash up the old idols11 of ourselves, that we sh'll never do. You've got very badly to want to get rid of the old, before anything new will appear -- even in the self.'

Gerald watched him closely.

`You think we ought to break up this life, just start and let fly?' he asked.

`This life. Yes I do. We've got to bust12 it completely, or shrivel inside it, as in a tight skin. For it won't expand any more.'

There was a queer little smile in Gerald's eyes, a look of amusement, calm and curious.

`And how do you propose to begin? I suppose you mean, reform the whole order of society?' he asked.

Birkin had a slight, tense frown between the brows. He too was impatient of the conversation.

`I don't propose at all,' he replied. `When we really want to go for something better, we shall smash the old. Until then, any sort of proposal, or making proposals, is no more than a tiresome13 game for self-important people.'

The little smile began to die out of Gerald's eyes, and he said, looking with a cool stare at Birkin:

`So you really think things are very bad?'

`Completely bad.'

The smile appeared again.

`In what way?'

`Every way,' said Birkin. `We are such dreary14 liars15. Our one idea is to lie to ourselves. We have an ideal of a perfect world, clean and straight and sufficient. So we cover the earth with foulness16; life is a blotch17 of labour, like insects scurrying18 in filth19, so that your collier can have a pianoforte in his parlour, and you can have a butler and a motor-car in your up-to-date house, and as a nation we can sport the Ritz, or the Empire, Gaby Deslys and the Sunday newspapers. It is very dreary.'

Gerald took a little time to re-adjust himself after this tirade20.

`Would you have us live without houses -- return to nature?' he asked.

`I would have nothing at all. People only do what they want to do -- and what they are capable of doing. If they were capable of anything else, there would be something else.'

Again Gerald pondered. He was not going to take offence at Birkin.

`Don't you think the collier's pianoforte, as you call it, is a symbol for something very real, a real desire for something higher, in the collier's life?'

`Higher!' cried Birkin. `Yes. Amazing heights of upright grandeur21. It makes him so much higher in his neighbouring collier's eyes. He sees himself reflected in the neighbouring opinion, like in a Brocken mist, several feet taller on the strength of the pianoforte, and he is satisfied. He lives for the sake of that Brocken spectre, the reflection of himself in the human opinion. You do the same. If you are of high importance to humanity you are of high importance to yourself. That is why you work so hard at the mines. If you can produce coal to cook five thousand dinners a day, you are five thousand times more important than if you cooked only your own dinner.'

`I suppose I am,' laughed Gerald.

`Can't you see,' said Birkin, `that to help my neighbour to eat is no more than eating myself. "I eat, thou eatest, he eats, we eat, you eat, they eat" -- and what then? Why should every man decline the whole verb. First person singular is enough for me.'

`You've got to start with material things,' said Gerald. Which statement Birkin ignored.

`And we've got to live for something, we're not just cattle that can graze and have done with it,' said Gerald.

`Tell me,' said Birkin. `What do you live for?'

Gerald's face went baffled.

`What do I live for?' he repeated. `I suppose I live to work, to produce something, in so far as I am a purposive being. Apart from that, I live because I am living.'

`And what's your work? Getting so many more thousands of tons of coal out of the earth every day. And when we've got all the coal we want, and all the plush furniture, and pianofortes, and the rabbits are all stewed22 and eaten, and we're all warm and our bellies23 are filled and we're listening to the young lady performing on the pianoforte -- what then? What then, when you've made a real fair start with your material things?'

Gerald sat laughing at the words and the mocking humour of the other man. But he was cogitating24 too.

`We haven't got there yet,' he replied. `A good many people are still waiting for the rabbit and the fire to cook it.'

`So while you get the coal I must chase the rabbit?' said Birkin, mocking at Gerald.

`Something like that,' said Gerald.

Birkin watched him narrowly. He saw the perfect good-humoured callousness25, even strange, glistening26 malice27, in Gerald, glistening through the plausible28 ethics29 of productivity.

`Gerald,' he said, `I rather hate you.'

`I know you do,' said Gerald. `Why do you?'

Birkin mused30 inscrutably for some minutes.

`I should like to know if you are conscious of hating me,' he said at last. `Do you ever consciously detest31 me -- hate me with mystic hate? There are odd moments when I hate you starrily32.'

Gerald was rather taken aback, even a little disconcerted. He did not quite know what to say.

`I may, of course, hate you sometimes,' he said. `But I'm not aware of it -- never acutely aware of it, that is.'

`So much the worse,' said Birkin.

Gerald watched him with curious eyes. He could not quite make him out.

`So much the worse, is it?' he repeated.

There was a silence between the two men for some time, as the train ran on. In Birkin's face was a little irritable33 tension, a sharp knitting of the brows, keen and difficult. Gerald watched him warily34, carefully, rather calculatingly, for he could not decide what he was after.

Suddenly Birkin's eyes looked straight and overpowering into those of the other man.

`What do you think is the aim and object of your life, Gerald?' he asked.

Again Gerald was taken aback. He could not think what his friend was getting at. Was he poking35 fun, or not?

`At this moment, I couldn't say off-hand,' he replied, with faintly ironic36 humour.

`Do you think love is the be-all and the end-all of life?' Birkin asked, with direct, attentive37 seriousness.

`Of my own life?' said Gerald.

`Yes.'

There was a really puzzled pause.

`I can't say,' said Gerald. `It hasn't been, so far.'

`What has your life been, so far?'

`Oh -- finding out things for myself -- and getting experiences -- and making things go.'

Birkin knitted his brows like sharply moulded steel.

`I find,' he said, `that one needs some one really pure single activity -- I should call love a single pure activity. But I don't really love anybody -- not now.'

`Have you ever really loved anybody?' asked Gerald.

`Yes and no,' replied Birkin.

`Not finally?' said Gerald.

`Finally -- finally -- no,' said Birkin.

`Nor I,' said Gerald.

`And do you want to?' said Birkin.

Gerald looked with a long, twinkling, almost sardonic38 look into the eyes of the other man.

`I don't know,' he said.

`I do -- I want to love,' said Birkin.

`You do?'

`Yes. I want the finality of love.'

`The finality of love,' repeated Gerald. And he waited for a moment.

`Just one woman?' he added. The evening light, flooding yellow along the fields, lit up Birkin's face with a tense, abstract steadfastness39. Gerald still could not make it out.

`Yes, one woman,' said Birkin.

But to Gerald it sounded as if he were insistent40 rather than confident.

`I don't believe a woman, and nothing but a woman, will ever make my life,' said Gerald.

`Not the centre and core of it -- the love between you and a woman?' asked Birkin.

Gerald's eyes narrowed with a queer dangerous smile as he watched the other man.

`I never quite feel it that way,' he said.

`You don't? Then wherein does life centre, for you?'

`I don't know -- that's what I want somebody to tell me. As far as I can make out, it doesn't centre at all. It is artificially held together by the social mechanism41.'

Birkin pondered as if he would crack something.

`I know,' he said, `it just doesn't centre. The old ideals are dead as nails -- nothing there. It seems to me there remains42 only this perfect union with a woman -- sort of ultimate marriage -- and there isn't anything else.'

`And you mean if there isn't the woman, there's nothing?' said Gerald.

`Pretty well that -- seeing there's no God.'

`Then we're hard put to it,' said Gerald. And he turned to look out of the window at the flying, golden landscape.

Birkin could not help seeing how beautiful and soldierly his face was, with a certain courage to be indifferent.

`You think its heavy odds43 against us?' said Birkin.

`If we've got to make our life up out of a woman, one woman, woman only, yes, I do,' said Gerald. `I don't believe I shall ever make up my life, at that rate.'

Birkin watched him almost angrily.

`You are a born unbeliever,' he said.

`I only feel what I feel,' said Gerald. And he looked again at Birkin almost sardonically44, with his blue, manly45, sharp-lighted eyes. Birkin's eyes were at the moment full of anger. But swiftly they became troubled, doubtful, then full of a warm, rich affectionateness and laughter.

`It troubles me very much, Gerald,' he said, wrinkling his brows.

`I can see it does,' said Gerald, uncovering his mouth in a manly, quick, soldierly laugh.

Gerald was held unconsciously by the other man. He wanted to be near him, he wanted to be within his sphere of influence. There was something very congenial to him in Birkin. But yet, beyond this, he did not take much notice. He felt that he, himself, Gerald, had harder and more durable46 truths than any the other man knew. He felt himself older, more knowing. It was the quick-changing warmth and venality47 and brilliant warm utterance48 he loved in his friend. It was the rich play of words and quick interchange of feelings he enjoyed. The real content of the words he never really considered: he himself knew better.

Birkin knew this. He knew that Gerald wanted to be fond of him without taking him seriously. And this made him go hard and cold. As the train ran on, he sat looking at the land, and Gerald fell away, became as nothing to him.

Birkin looked at the land, at the evening, and was thinking: `Well, if mankind is destroyed, if our race is destroyed like Sodom, and there is this beautiful evening with the luminous49 land and trees, I am satisfied. That which informs it all is there, and can never be lost. After all, what is mankind but just one expression of the incomprehensible. And if mankind passes away, it will only mean that this particular expression is completed and done. That which is expressed, and that which is to be expressed, cannot be diminished. There it is, in the shining evening. Let mankind pass away -- time it did. The creative utterances50 will not cease, they will only be there. Humanity doesn't embody51 the utterance of the incomprehensible any more. Humanity is a dead letter. There will be a new embodiment, in a new way. Let humanity disappear as quick as possible.'

Gerald interrupted him by asking,

`Where are you staying in London?'

Birkin looked up.

`With a man in Soho. I pay part of the rent of a flat, and stop there when I like.'

`Good idea -- have a place more or less your own,' said Gerald.

`Yes. But I don't care for it much. I'm tired of the people I am bound to find there.'

`What kind of people?'

`Art -- music -- London Bohemia -- the most pettifogging calculating Bohemia that ever reckoned its pennies. But there are a few decent people, decent in some respects. They are really very thorough rejecters of the world -- perhaps they live only in the gesture of rejection52 and negation53 -- but negatively something, at any rate.'

`What are they? -- painters, musicians?'

`Painters, musicians, writers -- hangers-on, models, advanced young people, anybody who is openly at outs with the conventions, and belongs to nowhere particularly. They are often young fellows down from the University, and girls who are living their own lives, as they say.'

`All loose?' said Gerald.

Birkin could see his curiosity roused.

`In one way. Most bound, in another. For all their shockingness, all on one note.'

He looked at Gerald, and saw how his blue eyes were lit up with a little flame of curious desire. He saw too how good-looking he was. Gerald was attractive, his blood seemed fluid and electric. His blue eyes burned with a keen, yet cold light, there was a certain beauty, a beautiful passivity in all his body, his moulding.

`We might see something of each other -- I am in London for two or three days,' said Gerald.

`Yes,' said Birkin, `I don't want to go to the theatre, or the music hall -- you'd better come round to the flat, and see what you can make of Halliday and his crowd.'

`Thanks -- I should like to,' laughed Gerald. `What are you doing tonight?'

`I promised to meet Halliday at the Pompadour. It's a bad place, but there is nowhere else.'

`Where is it?' asked Gerald.

`Piccadilly Circus.'

`Oh yes -- well, shall I come round there?'

`By all means, it might amuse you.'

The evening was falling. They had passed Bedford. Birkin watched the country, and was filled with a sort of hopelessness. He always felt this, on approaching London.

His dislike of mankind, of the mass of mankind, amounted almost to an illness.

`"Where the quiet coloured end of evening smiles Miles and miles --"' he was murmuring to himself, like a man condemned54 to death. Gerald, who was very subtly alert, wary55 in all his senses, leaned forward and asked smilingly:

`What were you saying?' Birkin glanced at him, laughed, and repeated:

`"Where the quiet coloured end of evening smiles, Miles and miles,

Over pastures where the something something sheep Half asleep --"'

Gerald also looked now at the country. And Birkin, who, for some reason was now tired and dispirited, said to him:

`I always feel doomed56 when the train is running into London. I feel such a despair, so hopeless, as if it were the end of the world.'

`Really!' said Gerald. `And does the end of the world frighten you?'

Birkin lifted his shoulders in a slow shrug10.

`I don't know,' he said. `It does while it hangs imminent57 and doesn't fall. But people give me a bad feeling -- very bad.'

There was a roused glad smile in Gerald's eyes.

`Do they?' he said. And he watched the other man critically.

In a few minutes the train was running through the disgrace of outspread London. Everybody in the carriage was on the alert, waiting to escape. At last they were under the huge arch of the station, in the tremendous shadow of the town. Birkin shut himself together -- he was in now.

The two men went together in a taxi-cab.

`Don't you feel like one of the damned?' asked Birkin, as they sat in a little, swiftly-running enclosure, and watched the hideous58 great street.

`No,' laughed Gerald.

`It is real death,' said Birkin.

 

一天,伯金奉诏去伦敦。他并不怎么常在家。他在诺丁汉有住所,因为他的工作主要是在诺丁汉开展。但他常去伦敦或牛津。他的流动性很大,他的生活似乎不稳定,没有任何固定的节奏,没有任何有机意义。

在火车站月台上,他看到杰拉德·克里奇正在读报纸,很明显他是在等火车。伯金站在远处的人群中,他的本性决定了他不会率先接近别人。

杰拉德时不时地抬起头四下张望,这是他的习惯。尽管他在认真地看报,但他必须监视四周。似乎他头脑中流动着两股意识。他一边思考着从报上看到的东西,冥思苦想着,一边盯着周围的生活,什么也逃不出他的眼睛。伯金远远地看着他,对他这种双重功能很生气。伯金还注意到,尽管杰拉德的社交举止异常温和,他似乎总在防着别人。

杰拉德看到了他,脸上露出悦色,走过来向他伸出手,这让伯金为之一振。

“你好,卢伯特,去哪儿呀?”

“伦敦。我猜你也去伦敦吧?”

“是的——”

杰拉德好奇地扫视一下伯金的脸。

“如果你愿意,咱们一起旅行吧。”他说。

“你不是常常要坐头等车厢吗?”伯金问。

“那是因为我无法挤在人群中,”杰拉德说,“不过三等也行。车上有一节餐车,我们可以到那儿去喝茶。”

再没什么可说的了,两个人只好都把目光投向车站上的挂钟。

“报纸上说什么?”伯金问。

杰拉德迅速扫了伯金一眼,说:

“瞧报上登的多么有趣儿吧,有两位领袖人物——”他扬扬手中的《每日电讯报》说,“全是报纸上日常的行话——”他往下看着那个专栏说:“瞧这个标题,我不知道你怎么给它起名字,几乎算杂文吧,和这两个领袖人物一齐登了出来,说非得有一个人崛起,他会给予事物以新的价值,告诉我们新的真理,让我们对生活有新的态度,否则不出几年,我们就会消亡,国家就会毁灭——”

“我觉得那也有点报纸腔。”伯金说。

“听起来这人说得挺诚恳的。”杰拉德说。

“给我看看,”伯金说着伸手要报纸。

火车来了,他们两人上了餐车,找了一个靠窗口的桌子,相对坐下来。伯金浏览了一下报纸,然后抬头看看杰拉德,杰拉德正等他说话。

“我相信这人说的是这意思。”他说。

“你认为他的话可靠吗?你认为我们真需要一部新的福音书吗?”杰拉德问。

伯金耸了耸肩膀,说:

“我认为那些标榜新宗教的人最难接受新事物。他们需要的是新奇。可是话又说回来了,谛视我们的生活,我们或自做自受、或自暴自弃,可要让我们绝对地打碎自身的旧偶像我们是不会干的。你在新的没有出现之前无论如何先要摆脱旧的,甚至旧的自我。”

杰拉德凝视着伯金。

“你认为我们应该毁掉这种生活,立即开始飞腾吗?”他问。

“这种生活。对,我要这样。我们必须彻底摧毁它,或者令它从内部枯萎,就象让一张紧绷绷的皮萎缩一样。它已经无法膨胀了。”

杰拉德的目光中透着一丝奇怪的笑意,他很开心,人显得平静而古怪。

“那你打算怎么开始?我想你的意思是改良整个社会制度?”他说。

伯金微微皱起了眉头。他对这种谈话也感到不耐烦了。

“我压根儿没什么打算,”他回答,“当我们真地要奔向更好的东西时,我们就要打碎旧的。不打碎旧的,任何建议对于妄自尊大的人来说都不过是令人作呕的把戏。”

杰拉德眼中的微笑开始消失了,他冷冷地看着伯金说:

“你真把事情看得那么糟吗?”

“一团糟。”

杰拉德眼中又浮上了笑意。

“在哪方面?”

“各个方面,”伯金说,“我们是一些意气消沉的骗子。我们的观念之一就是自欺欺人。我们理想中的世界是完美的,廉洁、正直、充实。于是我们不惜把地球搞得很肮脏;生活成了一种劳动污染,就象昆虫在污泥浊水中穿行一样。这样,你的矿工家的客厅里才能有钢琴,你现代化的住宅里才会有男仆和摩托车,作为一个国家,我们才会有里兹饭店或帝国饭店,才会有《加比·戴斯里斯》或《星期日》这样的大报社。

这让人多么丧气。”

这通激烈的言词让杰拉德好久才明白过来。

“你认为我们生活没有房屋行吗?要重返自然吗?”他问。

“我什么都不想要,只想让人们想做什么就做什么——能做什么就做什么。如果他们能有一番别的什么作为,世界就是另一种样子了。”

杰拉德思忖着。他并不想得罪伯金。

“难道你不认为矿工家的钢琴象征着某种非常真实的东西吗?它象征着矿工高层次的生活?”

“高层次!”伯金叫道,“是的,高层次。令人吃惊的高级奢侈品。有了这个,他就可在周围的矿工眼里变得高人一等了。他是通过自己反射在邻人中的影子才认识自己,如同布罗肯峰上的幽灵①一样。他有钢琴支撑着自己,高人一头,因此得到了满足。你也是这样。一旦你对人类变得举足轻重了,你对你自己也变得举足轻重。为此你在矿上工作很卖力。如果你一天生产的煤可以做五千份饭菜,你的身价就比你做自己的一份饭菜提高了五千倍。”

①布罗肯峰上的幽灵:布罗肯峰是德国萨克森地区哈兹山脉的最高峰,上面可以产生幻景,观众的身影被放大并反射到对面山顶的雾幕上。

“我想是这样的。”杰拉德笑道。

“你不明白吗,”伯金说,“帮助我的邻居吃喝倒不如我自己吃喝。‘我吃,你吃,他吃,我们吃,你们吃,他们吃’,还有什么?人们为什么要将吃这个动词变格呢?第一人称单数对我来说就够了。”

“你应该把物质的东西摆在第一位,”杰拉德说,但伯金对他的话没有在意。

“我必须为什么活着,我们不是牛,吃草就可以满足。”杰拉德说。

“告诉我,”伯金说,“你为什么活着?”

杰拉德露出一脸的困惑表情。

“我为什么活着?”他重复道,“我想我活着是为了工作,为了生产些什么,因为我是个有目的的人。除此之外,我活着是因为我是个活人。”

“那什么是你的工作呢?你的工作就是每天从地下挖出几千吨煤来。等我们有了足够的煤,有了豪华的家具和钢琴,吃饱了炖兔肉,解决了温饱问题后又听年轻女人弹钢琴,然后怎么样?当你在物质上有了真正良好的开端后,你还准备做什么?”

杰拉德对伯金的话和讽刺性的幽默持嘲笑态度。不过他也在思索。

“我们还没到那一步呢,”他回答,“还有很多人仍然没有兔肉吃,没有东西烧火来炖兔肉。”

“你的意思是说,你挖煤时,我就该去捉兔子?”伯金嘲笑着说。

“有那么点意思。”杰拉德说。

伯金眯起眼来看着杰拉德。他看得出,杰拉德虽然脾气好,但人很阴冷,他甚至从他那夸夸其谈的道德论中看出了某种奇怪、恶毒的东西在闪动。

“杰拉德,”他说,“我真恨你。”

“我知道,”杰拉德说,“为什么呢?”

伯金不可思议地思忖了一会儿说:

“我倒想知道,你是否也恨我。你是否有意与我作对——

莫名其妙地恨我?有时我恨透你了。”

杰拉德吃了一惊,甚至有点不知所措。他简直瞠目结舌了。

“我或许有时恨过你,”他说,“但我没意识到——从来没什么敏感的意识,就这么回事。”

“那更不好。”伯金说。

杰拉德奇怪地看着他,他弄不明白。

“那不是更坏吗?”他重复道。

火车在继续前行,两个人都沉默了。伯金的脸上挂着一副恼怒的紧张表情,眉头皱得紧紧的。杰拉德小心翼翼地看着他,猜度着,弄不清伯金要说什么。

突然伯金直直地、有力地看着杰拉德的眼睛,问:

“你认为什么是你生活的目标和目的呢?”

杰拉德又一次感到惊诧,他弄不明白这位朋友的意思。他是否在开玩笑?

“我一时可说不清。”他有点讽刺地说。

“你认为活着就是生活的全部吗?”伯金直接了当、极其严肃地问。

“你说的是我自己的生活吗?”杰拉德问。

“是的。”

杰拉德果然真地困惑了。

“我说不清,”杰拉德说,“现在我的生活还没定型。”

“那么,至今你的生活是什么样的呢?”

“哦,发现事物,取得经验,干成一些事。”

伯金皱起眉头,脸皱得象一块棱角分明的钢模。

“我发现,”他说,“一个人需要某种真正、单纯的个人行动——爱就是如此。可我并不真爱哪个人——至少现在没有。”

“难道你就没有真正爱过什么人?”杰拉德问。

“有,也没有。”伯金说。

“还没最后定下来?”杰拉德说。

“最后,最后?没有。”伯金说。

“我也一样。”杰拉德说。

“那么你想这样吗?”伯金问。

杰拉德目光闪烁,嘲弄的目光久久地与伯金的目光对视着,说:

“我不知道。”

“可我知道,我要去爱。”伯金说。

“真的?”

“是的。我需要决定性的爱。”

“决定性的爱。”杰拉德重复道。

“只一个女人吗?”杰拉德补充问。晚上的灯光在田野上洒下一路桔黄色,照着伯金紧张、茫然、坚定的面庞。杰拉德仍然摸不透伯金。

“是的,一个女人。”伯金说。

可杰拉德却以为伯金这不是自信,不过是固执罢了。

“我不相信,一个女人,只一个女人就能构成我的生活内容。”杰拉德说。

“难道连你和一个女人之间的爱也不行吗?这可是构成生活的核心问题。”伯金说。

杰拉德眯起眼睛看着伯金,有点怪模怪样、阴险地笑道:

“我从来没那种感觉。”

“没有吗?那么你生活的中心点是什么?”

“我不知道,我正想有个人告诉我呢。就我目前来说,我的生活还根本没有中心点,只是被社会的结构人为地撮合着不破裂就行了。”

伯金思索着,觉得自己似乎要打碎点什么。

“我知道,”他说,“它恰恰没有中心点。旧的意识象指甲一样死了——丝毫不留。对我来说,似乎只有与一个女人完美的结合是永恒的,这是一种崇高的婚姻,除此之外别的什么都没价值。”

“你是否说,如果没有这个女人就没有一切了呢?”杰拉德问。

“太对了,连上帝都没有。”

“那我们就没出路了。”杰拉德说。他扭过脸去看着车窗外,金色的田野飞驰而过。

伯金不得不承认杰拉德的脸既漂亮又英俊,但他强作漠然不去看。

“你认为这对我们没什么好处吗?”伯金问。

“是的,如果我们非要从一个女人那里讨生活,仅仅从一个女人那里,这对我们没什么好处。”杰拉德说,“我不相信我会那样生活。”

伯金几乎愤愤地看着杰拉德说:

“你天生来就什么都不信。”

“我只相信我所感受到的,”杰拉德说。说着他又用那双闪着蓝光、颇有男子气的眼睛嘲弄地看了看伯金。伯金的眼睛此时燃着怒火,但不一会儿,这目光又变得烦恼、疑虑,然后漾起了温和、热情的笑意。

“这太让我苦恼了,杰拉德。”伯金皱皱眉头说。

“我看得出,”杰拉德说着嘴角上闪过男子气十足的漂亮的微笑。

杰拉德身不由己地被伯金吸引着。他想接近他,想受到他的影响。在伯金身上有什么地方跟他很相似。但是,除此之外他没注意到太多别的。他感到他杰拉德怀有别人不知道的、更经得起考验的真理,他感到自己比伯金年长识广。但他喜爱朋友伯金身上那一触即发的热情、生命力和闪光、热烈的言辞。他欣赏伯金的口才和迅速表达交流感情的能力,但伯金所谈的真正含义他并没有真正思索过,他知道他弄不懂,思索也没用。

对这一点,伯金心里明白。他知道杰拉德喜欢自己但并不看重自己。这让他对杰拉德很冷酷。火车在前进,伯金看着外面的田野,杰拉德被忘却了,对他来说杰拉德不存在了。

伯金看着田野和夜空,思忖着:“如果人类遭到了毁灭,如果我们这个种族象索德姆城①一样遭到毁灭,但夜晚仍然这么美丽,田野和森林依然这么美好,我也会感到满足的,因为那通风报信者还在,永远不会失去。总之,人类不过是那未知世界的一种表现形式。如果人类消失了,这只能说明这种特殊的表现形式完成了,完结了。得到表现的和将被表现的是不会消逝了,它就在这明丽的夜晚中。让人类消失吧,由时间来决定。创造的声音是不会终止的,它们只会存在于时间之中。人类并不能体现那未知世界的意义。人类是一个僵死的字母。会有一种新的体现方式,以一种新的形式。让人类尽快消失吧。”

杰拉德打断他的话问:

“你在伦敦住哪儿?”

伯金抬起头答道:

“住在索赫区②一个人家中。我租了一间房,什么时候都可以去住。”

①《创世纪》中记载的上帝毁灭的城市。

②伦敦一闹市区,餐馆很多。

“这主意不错,好歹算你自己的地方。”杰拉德说。

“是的。不过我并不那么注重这个,我对那些不得不去打交道的人感到厌倦了。”

“哪些人?”

“艺术家——音乐家——伦敦那帮放荡不羁的文人们,那帮小里小气,精打细算、斤斤计较的艺术家们。不过也有那么几个人挺体面,在某些方面算得上体面人。这些人是彻底的厌世者,或许他们活着的目的就是与这个世界作对,否定一切,他们的态度可算够消极的。”

“他们都是干什么的?画家,音乐家?”

“画家、音乐家、作家——一批食客,还有模特儿,好样的,他们与传统公开决裂,但又没有特定的归属。他们大多都是些大学生,也有独立谋生的女人。”

“都很放荡吗?”

伯金看得出杰拉德的好奇心上来了。

“可以这么说,但大多数还是严肃的。别看挺骇人听闻,其实都一回事。”

他看看杰拉德,发现他的蓝眼睛中闪烁着一小团好奇的欲望之火。他还发现,他长得太漂亮了。杰拉德很迷人,他似乎血运很旺盛,令人动心。他那蓝色的目光尖锐而冷漠,他身上有一种特定的美,那是一种忍从的美。

“我们是否可以看看他们各自的千秋?我要在伦敦逗留二、三天呢。”杰拉德说。

“行,”伯金说,“我可不想去剧院或音乐厅,你最好来看看海里戴和他的那帮人吧。”

“谢谢,我会去的,”杰拉德笑道,“今晚你做什么?”

“我约海里戴去庞巴多,那地方不怎么样,可又没有别的地方可聚。”

“在哪儿?”杰拉德问。

“在皮卡迪利广场。”

“哦,那儿呀,呣,我可以去吗?”

“当然,你会很开心的。”

夜幕降临了,火车已过了贝德福德。伯金望着窗外的原野,心中感到十分失望。每到临近伦敦时,他都会产生这种感觉。他对人类的厌恶,对云云众生的厌恶,几乎变成了一块心病。

“‘宁静绚丽的黄昏

在幽远幽远的地方微笑——’”①

他象一个被判了死刑的人一样自言自语着。杰拉德细微的感觉被触醒了,他倾着身子笑问:

“你说什么呢?”伯金瞟了他一眼,笑着又重复道:

“‘宁静绚丽的黄昏

在幽远幽远的地方微笑,

田野上羊儿

在打盹——②’”

①、② 勃朗宁夫人诗《废墟上的爱》。

杰拉德现在也看着田野。伯金不知为什么现在感到疲劳和沮丧,对杰拉德说:

“每当火车驶近伦敦时,我就感到厄运将临。我感到那么绝望:那么失望,似乎这是世界的末日。”

“真的!”杰拉德说,“世界的末日让你感到恐惧吗?”

伯金微微耸了一下肩。

“我不知道。”他说,“当世界即将塌陷而又没有塌陷时才让人感到恐惧。可是人们给我的感觉太坏了,太坏了。”

杰拉德的眼睛中闪过兴奋的微笑。

“是吗?”他审视地看着伯金说。

几分钟后,火车穿行在丑恶的大伦敦市区里了。车厢中的人们都振作起精神准备下车了。最终火车驶进了巨大拱顶笼罩下的火车站,来到伦敦城巨大的阴影中。伯金下了车,到了。

两个人一齐进了一辆出租汽车。

“你是否感到象要进地狱了?”伯金问道。他们坐在这小小的迅速疾行着的空间里,看着外面丑陋的大街。

“不,”杰拉德笑道。

“这是真正的死亡。”伯金说。


点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 fixed JsKzzj     
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的
参考例句:
  • Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗?
  • Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定,我们就不应该随意改变。
2 abode hIby0     
n.住处,住所
参考例句:
  • It was ten months before my father discovered his abode.父亲花了十个月的功夫,才好不容易打听到他的住处。
  • Welcome to our humble abode!欢迎光临寒舍!
3 Oxford Wmmz0a     
n.牛津(英国城市)
参考例句:
  • At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
  • This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。
4 watchful tH9yX     
adj.注意的,警惕的
参考例句:
  • The children played under the watchful eye of their father.孩子们在父亲的小心照看下玩耍。
  • It is important that health organizations remain watchful.卫生组织保持警惕是极为重要的。
5 dual QrAxe     
adj.双的;二重的,二元的
参考例句:
  • The people's Republic of China does not recognize dual nationality for any Chinese national.中华人民共和国不承认中国公民具有双重国籍。
  • He has dual role as composer and conductor.他兼作曲家及指挥的双重身分。
6 genial egaxm     
adj.亲切的,和蔼的,愉快的,脾气好的
参考例句:
  • Orlando is a genial man.奥兰多是一位和蔼可亲的人。
  • He was a warm-hearted friend and genial host.他是个热心的朋友,也是友善待客的主人。
7 cant KWAzZ     
n.斜穿,黑话,猛扔
参考例句:
  • The ship took on a dangerous cant to port.船只出现向左舷危险倾斜。
  • He knows thieves'cant.他懂盗贼的黑话。
8 crumbling Pyaxy     
adj.摇摇欲坠的
参考例句:
  • an old house with crumbling plaster and a leaking roof 一所灰泥剥落、屋顶漏水的老房子
  • The boat was tied up alongside a crumbling limestone jetty. 这条船停泊在一个摇摇欲坠的石灰岩码头边。
9 shrugged 497904474a48f991a3d1961b0476ebce     
vt.耸肩(shrug的过去式与过去分词形式)
参考例句:
  • Sam shrugged and said nothing. 萨姆耸耸肩膀,什么也没说。
  • She shrugged, feigning nonchalance. 她耸耸肩,装出一副无所谓的样子。 来自《简明英汉词典》
10 shrug Ry3w5     
v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等)
参考例句:
  • With a shrug,he went out of the room.他耸一下肩,走出了房间。
  • I admire the way she is able to shrug off unfair criticism.我很佩服她能对错误的批评意见不予理会。
11 idols 7c4d4984658a95fbb8bbc091e42b97b9     
偶像( idol的名词复数 ); 受崇拜的人或物; 受到热爱和崇拜的人或物; 神像
参考例句:
  • The genii will give evidence against those who have worshipped idols. 魔怪将提供证据来反对那些崇拜偶像的人。 来自英汉非文学 - 文明史
  • Teenagers are very sequacious and they often emulate the behavior of their idols. 青少年非常盲从,经常模仿他们的偶像的行为。
12 bust WszzB     
vt.打破;vi.爆裂;n.半身像;胸部
参考例句:
  • I dropped my camera on the pavement and bust it. 我把照相机掉在人行道上摔坏了。
  • She has worked up a lump of clay into a bust.她把一块黏土精心制作成一个半身像。
13 tiresome Kgty9     
adj.令人疲劳的,令人厌倦的
参考例句:
  • His doubts and hesitations were tiresome.他的疑惑和犹豫令人厌烦。
  • He was tiresome in contending for the value of his own labors.他老为他自己劳动的价值而争强斗胜,令人生厌。
14 dreary sk1z6     
adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的
参考例句:
  • They live such dreary lives.他们的生活如此乏味。
  • She was tired of hearing the same dreary tale of drunkenness and violence.她听够了那些关于酗酒和暴力的乏味故事。
15 liars ba6a2311efe2dc9a6d844c9711cd0fff     
说谎者( liar的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • The greatest liars talk most of themselves. 最爱自吹自擂的人是最大的说谎者。
  • Honest boys despise lies and liars. 诚实的孩子鄙视谎言和说谎者。
16 foulness foulness     
n. 纠缠, 卑鄙
参考例句:
  • The meeting is delayed by the foulness of the weather. 会议被恶劣的天气耽搁了。
  • In his book, he lay bare the foulness of man. 在他的著作中,他揭露人类的卑鄙。
17 blotch qoSyY     
n.大斑点;红斑点;v.使沾上污渍,弄脏
参考例句:
  • He pointed to a dark blotch upon the starry sky some miles astern of us.他指着我们身后几英里处繁星点点的天空中的一朵乌云。
  • His face was covered in ugly red blotches.他脸上有许多难看的红色大斑点。
18 scurrying 294847ddc818208bf7d590895cd0b7c9     
v.急匆匆地走( scurry的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • We could hear the mice scurrying about in the walls. 我们能听见老鼠在墙里乱跑。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
  • We were scurrying about until the last minute before the party. 聚会开始前我们一直不停地忙忙碌碌。 来自辞典例句
19 filth Cguzj     
n.肮脏,污物,污秽;淫猥
参考例句:
  • I don't know how you can read such filth.我不明白你怎么会去读这种淫秽下流的东西。
  • The dialogue was all filth and innuendo.这段对话全是下流的言辞和影射。
20 tirade TJKzt     
n.冗长的攻击性演说
参考例句:
  • Her tirade provoked a counterblast from her husband.她的长篇大论激起了她丈夫的强烈反对。
  • He delivered a long tirade against the government.他发表了反政府的长篇演说。
21 grandeur hejz9     
n.伟大,崇高,宏伟,庄严,豪华
参考例句:
  • The grandeur of the Great Wall is unmatched.长城的壮观是独一无二的。
  • These ruins sufficiently attest the former grandeur of the place.这些遗迹充分证明此处昔日的宏伟。
22 stewed 285d9b8cfd4898474f7be6858f46f526     
adj.焦虑不安的,烂醉的v.炖( stew的过去式和过去分词 );煨;思考;担忧
参考例句:
  • When all birds are shot, the bow will be set aside;when all hares are killed, the hounds will be stewed and eaten -- kick out sb. after his services are no longer needed. 鸟尽弓藏,兔死狗烹。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
  • \"How can we cook in a pan that's stewed your stinking stockings? “染臭袜子的锅,还能煮鸡子吃!还要它?” 来自汉英文学 - 中国现代小说
23 bellies 573b19215ed083b0e01ff1a54e4199b2     
n.肚子( belly的名词复数 );腹部;(物体的)圆形或凸起部份;腹部…形的
参考例句:
  • They crawled along on their bellies. 他们匍匐前进。
  • starving children with huge distended bellies 鼓着浮肿肚子的挨饿儿童
24 cogitating 45532bd9633baa8d527f61fbf072ec47     
v.认真思考,深思熟虑( cogitate的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • Then he tossed the marble away pettishly, and stood cogitating. 于是他一气之下扔掉那个弹子,站在那儿沉思。 来自英汉文学 - 汤姆历险
  • He sat silently cogitating. 他静静地坐着沉思。 来自辞典例句
25 callousness callousness     
参考例句:
  • He remembered with what callousness he had watched her. 他记得自己以何等无情的态度瞧着她。 来自辞典例句
  • She also lacks the callousness required of a truly great leader. 她还缺乏一个真正伟大领袖所应具备的铁石心肠。 来自辞典例句
26 glistening glistening     
adj.闪耀的,反光的v.湿物闪耀,闪亮( glisten的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • Her eyes were glistening with tears. 她眼里闪着晶莹的泪花。
  • Her eyes were glistening with tears. 她眼睛中的泪水闪着柔和的光。 来自《用法词典》
27 malice P8LzW     
n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋
参考例句:
  • I detected a suggestion of malice in his remarks.我觉察出他说的话略带恶意。
  • There was a strong current of malice in many of his portraits.他的许多肖像画中都透着一股强烈的怨恨。
28 plausible hBCyy     
adj.似真实的,似乎有理的,似乎可信的
参考例句:
  • His story sounded plausible.他说的那番话似乎是真实的。
  • Her story sounded perfectly plausible.她的说辞听起来言之有理。
29 ethics Dt3zbI     
n.伦理学;伦理观,道德标准
参考例句:
  • The ethics of his profession don't permit him to do that.他的职业道德不允许他那样做。
  • Personal ethics and professional ethics sometimes conflict.个人道德和职业道德有时会相互抵触。
30 mused 0affe9d5c3a243690cca6d4248d41a85     
v.沉思,冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 );沉思自语说(某事)
参考例句:
  • \"I wonder if I shall ever see them again, \"he mused. “我不知道是否还可以再见到他们,”他沉思自问。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • \"Where are we going from here?\" mused one of Rutherford's guests. 卢瑟福的一位客人忍不住说道:‘我们这是在干什么?” 来自英汉非文学 - 科学史
31 detest dm0zZ     
vt.痛恨,憎恶
参考例句:
  • I detest people who tell lies.我恨说谎的人。
  • The workers detest his overbearing manner.工人们很讨厌他那盛气凌人的态度。
32 starrily 1ffe759369ccc4868b0d971c8c2b3eb4     
布满星星的
参考例句:
  • It was a beautiful sight outlined above the starry sky. 星空之上映衬出美景。 来自柯林斯例句
  • The sky was deep blue and starry. 天空一片深蓝色,其间星光闪烁。 来自柯林斯例句
33 irritable LRuzn     
adj.急躁的;过敏的;易怒的
参考例句:
  • He gets irritable when he's got toothache.他牙一疼就很容易发脾气。
  • Our teacher is an irritable old lady.She gets angry easily.我们的老师是位脾气急躁的老太太。她很容易生气。
34 warily 5gvwz     
adv.留心地
参考例句:
  • He looked warily around him,pretending to look after Carrie.他小心地看了一下四周,假装是在照顾嘉莉。
  • They were heading warily to a point in the enemy line.他们正小心翼翼地向着敌人封锁线的某一处前进。
35 poking poking     
n. 刺,戳,袋 vt. 拨开,刺,戳 vi. 戳,刺,捅,搜索,伸出,行动散慢
参考例句:
  • He was poking at the rubbish with his stick. 他正用手杖拨动垃圾。
  • He spent his weekends poking around dusty old bookshops. 他周末都泡在布满尘埃的旧书店里。
36 ironic 1atzm     
adj.讽刺的,有讽刺意味的,出乎意料的
参考例句:
  • That is a summary and ironic end.那是一个具有概括性和讽刺意味的结局。
  • People used to call me Mr Popularity at high school,but they were being ironic.人们中学时常把我称作“万人迷先生”,但他们是在挖苦我。
37 attentive pOKyB     
adj.注意的,专心的;关心(别人)的,殷勤的
参考例句:
  • She was very attentive to her guests.她对客人招待得十分周到。
  • The speaker likes to have an attentive audience.演讲者喜欢注意力集中的听众。
38 sardonic jYyxL     
adj.嘲笑的,冷笑的,讥讽的
参考例句:
  • She gave him a sardonic smile.她朝他讥讽地笑了一笑。
  • There was a sardonic expression on her face.她脸上有一种嘲讽的表情。
39 steadfastness quZw6     
n.坚定,稳当
参考例句:
  • But he was attacked with increasing boldness and steadfastness. 但他却受到日益大胆和坚决的攻击。 来自辞典例句
  • There was an unceremonious directness, a searching, decided steadfastness in his gaze now. 现在他的凝视中有一种不礼貌的直率,一种锐利、断然的坚定。 来自辞典例句
40 insistent s6ZxC     
adj.迫切的,坚持的
参考例句:
  • There was an insistent knock on my door.我听到一阵急促的敲门声。
  • He is most insistent on this point.他在这点上很坚持。
41 mechanism zCWxr     
n.机械装置;机构,结构
参考例句:
  • The bones and muscles are parts of the mechanism of the body.骨骼和肌肉是人体的组成部件。
  • The mechanism of the machine is very complicated.这台机器的结构是非常复杂的。
42 remains 1kMzTy     
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹
参考例句:
  • He ate the remains of food hungrily.他狼吞虎咽地吃剩余的食物。
  • The remains of the meal were fed to the dog.残羹剩饭喂狗了。
43 odds n5czT     
n.让步,机率,可能性,比率;胜败优劣之别
参考例句:
  • The odds are 5 to 1 that she will win.她获胜的机会是五比一。
  • Do you know the odds of winning the lottery once?你知道赢得一次彩票的几率多大吗?
44 sardonically e99a8f28f1ae62681faa2bef336b5366     
adv.讽刺地,冷嘲地
参考例句:
  • Some say sardonically that combat pay is good and that one can do quite well out of this war. 有些人讽刺地说战地的薪饷很不错,人们可借这次战争赚到很多钱。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Tu Wei-yueh merely drew himself up and smiled sardonically. 屠维岳把胸脯更挺得直些,微微冷笑。 来自子夜部分
45 manly fBexr     
adj.有男子气概的;adv.男子般地,果断地
参考例句:
  • The boy walked with a confident manly stride.这男孩以自信的男人步伐行走。
  • He set himself manly tasks and expected others to follow his example.他给自己定下了男子汉的任务,并希望别人效之。
46 durable frox4     
adj.持久的,耐久的
参考例句:
  • This raincoat is made of very durable material.这件雨衣是用非常耐用的料子做的。
  • They frequently require more major durable purchases.他们经常需要购买耐用消费品。
47 venality Ki0wA     
n.贪赃枉法,腐败
参考例句:
48 utterance dKczL     
n.用言语表达,话语,言语
参考例句:
  • This utterance of his was greeted with bursts of uproarious laughter.他的讲话引起阵阵哄然大笑。
  • My voice cleaves to my throat,and sob chokes my utterance.我的噪子哽咽,泣不成声。
49 luminous 98ez5     
adj.发光的,发亮的;光明的;明白易懂的;有启发的
参考例句:
  • There are luminous knobs on all the doors in my house.我家所有门上都安有夜光把手。
  • Most clocks and watches in this shop are in luminous paint.这家商店出售的大多数钟表都涂了发光漆。
50 utterances e168af1b6b9585501e72cb8ff038183b     
n.发声( utterance的名词复数 );说话方式;语调;言论
参考例句:
  • John Maynard Keynes used somewhat gnomic utterances in his General Theory. 约翰·梅纳德·凯恩斯在其《通论》中用了许多精辟言辞。 来自辞典例句
  • Elsewhere, particularly in his more public utterances, Hawthorne speaks very differently. 在别的地方,特别是在比较公开的谈话里,霍桑讲的话则完全不同。 来自辞典例句
51 embody 4pUxx     
vt.具体表达,使具体化;包含,收录
参考例句:
  • The latest locomotives embody many new features. 这些最新的机车具有许多新的特色。
  • Hemingway's characters plainly embody his own values and view of life.海明威笔下的角色明确反映出他自己的价值观与人生观。
52 rejection FVpxp     
n.拒绝,被拒,抛弃,被弃
参考例句:
  • He decided not to approach her for fear of rejection.他因怕遭拒绝决定不再去找她。
  • The rejection plunged her into the dark depths of despair.遭到拒绝使她陷入了绝望的深渊。
53 negation q50zu     
n.否定;否认
参考例句:
  • No reasonable negation can be offered.没有合理的反对意见可以提出。
  • The author boxed the compass of negation in his article.该作者在文章中依次探讨了各种反面的意见。
54 condemned condemned     
adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词
参考例句:
  • He condemned the hypocrisy of those politicians who do one thing and say another. 他谴责了那些说一套做一套的政客的虚伪。
  • The policy has been condemned as a regressive step. 这项政策被认为是一种倒退而受到谴责。
55 wary JMEzk     
adj.谨慎的,机警的,小心的
参考例句:
  • He is wary of telling secrets to others.他谨防向他人泄露秘密。
  • Paula frowned,suddenly wary.宝拉皱了皱眉头,突然警惕起来。
56 doomed EuuzC1     
命定的
参考例句:
  • The court doomed the accused to a long term of imprisonment. 法庭判处被告长期监禁。
  • A country ruled by an iron hand is doomed to suffer. 被铁腕人物统治的国家定会遭受不幸的。
57 imminent zc9z2     
adj.即将发生的,临近的,逼近的
参考例句:
  • The black clounds show that a storm is imminent.乌云预示暴风雨即将来临。
  • The country is in imminent danger.国难当头。
58 hideous 65KyC     
adj.丑陋的,可憎的,可怕的,恐怖的
参考例句:
  • The whole experience had been like some hideous nightmare.整个经历就像一场可怕的噩梦。
  • They're not like dogs,they're hideous brutes.它们不像狗,是丑陋的畜牲。


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