'And wilt1 thou leave me thus?--say nay2--say nay!'
The scene shifts to Knight3's chambers4 in Bede's Inn. It was late in the evening of the day following his departure from Endelstow. A drizzling5 rain descended6 upon London, forming a humid and dreary7 halo over every well-lighted street. The rain had not yet been prevalent long enough to give to rapid vehicles that clear and distinct rattle8 which follows the thorough washing of the stones by a drenching9 rain, but was just sufficient to make footway and roadway slippery, adhesive10, and clogging11 to both feet and wheels.
Knight was standing12 by the fire, looking into its expiring embers, previously13 to emerging from his door for a dreary journey home to Richmond. His hat was on, and the gas turned off. The blind of the window overlooking the alley14 was not drawn15 down; and with the light from beneath, which shone over the ceiling of the room, came, in place of the usual babble16, only the reduced clatter17 and quick speech which were the result of necessity rather than choice.
Whilst he thus stood, waiting for the expiration18 of the few minutes that were wanting to the time for his catching19 the train, a light tapping upon the door mingled20 with the other sounds that reached his ears. It was so faint at first that the outer noises were almost sufficient to drown it. Finding it repeated Knight crossed the lobby, crowded with books and rubbish, and opened the door.
A woman, closely muffled21 up, but visibly of fragile build, was standing on the landing under the gaslight. She sprang forward, flung her arms round Knight's neck, and uttered a low cry--
'O Harry22, Harry, you are killing23 me! I could not help coming. Don't send me away--don't! Forgive your Elfride for coming--I love you so!'
Knight's agitation24 and astonishment25 mastered him for a few moments.
'Elfride!' he cried, 'what does this mean? What have you done?'
'Do not hurt me and punish me--Oh, do not! I couldn't help coming; it was killing me. Last night, when you did not come back, I could not bear it--I could not! Only let me be with you, and see your face, Harry; I don't ask for more.'
Her eyelids26 were hot, heavy, and thick with excessive weeping, and the delicate rose-red of her cheeks was disfigured and inflamed27 by the constant chafing28 of the handkerchief in wiping her many tears.
'Who is with you? Have you come alone?' he hurriedly inquired.
'Yes. When you did not come last night, I sat up hoping you would come--and the night was all agony--and I waited on and on, and you did not come! Then when it was morning, and your letter said you were gone, I could not endure it; and I ran away from them to St. Launce's, and came by the train. And I have been all day travelling to you, and you won't make me go away again, will you, Harry, because I shall always love you till I die?'
'Yet it is wrong for you to stay. O Elfride! what have you committed yourself to? It is ruin to your good name to run to me like this! Has not your first experience been sufficient to keep you from these things?'
'My name! Harry, I shall soon die, and what good will my name be to me then? Oh, could I but be the man and you the woman, I would not leave you for such a little fault as mine! Do not think it was so vile29 a thing in me to run away with him. Ah, how I wish you could have run away with twenty women before you knew me, that I might show you I would think it no fault, but be glad to get you after them all, so that I had you! If you only knew me through and through, how true I am, Harry. Cannot I be yours? Say you love me just the same, and don't let me be separated from you again, will you? I cannot bear it--all the long hours and days and nights going on, and you not there, but away because you hate me!'
'Not hate you, Elfride,' he said gently, and supported her with his arm. 'But you cannot stay here now--just at present, I mean.'
'I suppose I must not--I wish I might. I am afraid that if--you lose sight of me--something dark will happen, and we shall not meet again. Harry, if I am not good enough to be your wife, I wish I could be your servant and live with you, and not be sent away never to see you again. I don't mind what it is except that!'
'No, I cannot send you away: I cannot. God knows what dark future may arise out of this evening's work; but I cannot send you away! You must sit down, and I will endeavour to collect my thoughts and see what had better be done.
At that moment a loud knocking at the house door was heard by both, accompanied by a hurried ringing of the bell that echoed from attic30 to basement. The door was quickly opened, and after a few hasty words of converse31 in the hall, heavy footsteps ascended32 the stairs.
The face of Mr. Swancourt, flushed, grieved, and stern, appeared round the landing of the staircase. He came higher up, and stood beside them. Glancing over and past Knight with silent indignation, he turned to the trembling girl.
'O Elfride! and have I found you at last? Are these your tricks, madam? When will you get rid of your idiocies33, and conduct yourself like a decent woman? Is my family name and house to be disgraced by acts that would be a scandal to a washerwoman's daughter? Come along, madam; come!'
'She is so weary!' said Knight, in a voice of intensest anguish34. 'Mr. Swancourt, don't be harsh with her--let me beg of you to be tender with her, and love her!'
'To you, sir,' said Mr. Swancourt, turning to him as if by the sheer pressure of circumstances, 'I have little to say. I can only remark, that the sooner I can retire from your presence the better I shall be pleased. Why you could not conduct your courtship of my daughter like an honest man, I do not know. Why she--a foolish inexperienced girl--should have been tempted36 to this piece of folly37, I do not know. Even if she had not known better than to leave her home, you might have, I should think.'
'It is not his fault: he did not tempt35 me, papa! I came.'
'If you wished the marriage broken off, why didn't you say so plainly? If you never intended to marry, why could you not leave her alone? Upon my soul, it grates me to the heart to be obliged to think so ill of a man I thought my friend!'
Knight, soul-sick and weary of his life, did not arouse himself to utter a word in reply. How should he defend himself when his defence was the accusation38 of Elfride? On that account he felt a miserable39 satisfaction in letting her father go on thinking and speaking wrongfully. It was a faint ray of pleasure straying into the great gloominess of his brain to think that the vicar might never know but that he, as her lover, tempted her away, which seemed to be the form Mr. Swancourt's misapprehension had taken.
'Now, are you coming?' said Mr. Swancourt to her again. He took her unresisting hand, drew it within his arm, and led her down the stairs. Knight's eyes followed her, the last moment begetting40 in him a frantic41 hope that she would turn her head. She passed on, and never looked back.
He heard the door open--close again. The wheels of a cab grazed the kerbstone, a murmured direction followed. The door was slammed together, the wheels moved, and they rolled away.
From that hour of her reappearance a dreadful conflict raged within the breast of Henry Knight. His instinct, emotion, affectiveness--or whatever it may be called--urged him to stand forward, seize upon Elfride, and be her cherisher and protector through life. Then came the devastating42 thought that Elfride's childlike, unreasoning, and indiscreet act in flying to him only proved that the proprieties44 must be a dead letter with her; that the unreserve, which was really artlessness without ballast, meant indifference45 to decorum; and what so likely as that such a woman had been deceived in the past? He said to himself, in a mood of the bitterest cynicism: 'The suspicious discreet43 woman who imagines dark and evil things of all her fellow-creatures is far too shrewd to be deluded46 by man: trusting beings like Elfride are the women who fall.'
Hours and days went by, and Knight remained inactive. Lengthening47 time, which made fainter the heart-awakening power of her presence, strengthened the mental ability to reason her down. Elfride loved him, he knew, and he could not leave off loving her but marry her he would not. If she could but be again his own Elfride--the woman she had seemed to be--but that woman was dead and buried, and he knew her no more! And how could he marry this Elfride, one who, if he had originally seen her as she was, would have been barely an interesting pitiable acquaintance in his eyes-- no more?
It cankered his heart to think he was confronted by the closest instance of a worse state of things than any he had assumed in the pleasant social philosophy and satire48 of his essays.
The moral rightness of this man's life was worthy49 of all praise; but in spite of some intellectual acumen50, Knight had in him a modicum51 of that wrongheadedness which is mostly found in scrupulously52 honest people. With him, truth seemed too clean and pure an abstraction to be so hopelessly churned in with error as practical persons find it. Having now seen himself mistaken in supposing Elfride to be peerless, nothing on earth could make him believe she was not so very bad after all.
He lingered in town a fortnight, doing little else than vibrate between passion and opinions. One idea remained intact--that it was better Elfride and himself should not meet.
When he surveyed the volumes on his shelves--few of which had been opened since Elfride first took possession of his heart--their untouched and orderly arrangement reproached him as an apostate53 from the old faith of his youth and early manhood. He had deserted54 those never-failing friends, so they seemed to say, for an unstable55 delight in a ductile56 woman, which had ended all in bitterness. The spirit of self-denial, verging57 on asceticism58, which had ever animated59 Knight in old times, announced itself as having departed with the birth of love, with it having gone the self-respect which had compensated60 for the lack of self- gratification. Poor little Elfride, instead of holding, as formerly61, a place in his religion, began to assume the hue62 of a temptation. Perhaps it was human and correctly natural that Knight never once thought whether he did not owe her a little sacrifice for her unchary devotion in saving his life.
With a consciousness of having thus, like Antony, kissed away kingdoms and provinces, he next considered how he had revealed his higher secrets and intentions to her, an unreserve he would never have allowed himself with any man living. How was it that he had not been able to refrain from telling her of adumbrations heretofore locked in the closest strongholds of his mind?
Knight's was a robust63 intellect, which could escape outside the atmosphere of heart, and perceive that his own love, as well as other people's, could be reduced by change of scene and circumstances. At the same time the perception was a superimposed sorrow:
'O last regret, regret can die!'
But being convinced that the death of this regret was the best thing for him, he did not long shrink from attempting it. He closed his chambers, suspended his connection with editors, and left London for the Continent. Here we will leave him to wander without purpose, beyond the nominal64 one of encouraging obliviousness65 of Elfride.
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1
wilt
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| v.(使)植物凋谢或枯萎；(指人)疲倦，衰弱 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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knight
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| n.骑士，武士；爵士 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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drizzling
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| 下蒙蒙细雨，下毛毛雨( drizzle的现在分词 ) | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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drenching
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| n.湿透v.使湿透( drench的现在分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体） | |
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adhesive
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| n.粘合剂；adj.可粘着的，粘性的 | |
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clogging
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| 堵塞，闭合 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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alley
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| n.小巷，胡同；小径，小路 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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babble
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| v.含糊不清地说，胡言乱语地说，儿语 | |
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clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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expiration
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| n.终结，期满，呼气，呼出物 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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muffled
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| adj.（声音）被隔的；听不太清的；（衣服）裹严的；蒙住的v.压抑，捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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inflamed
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| adj.发炎的，红肿的v.（使）变红，发怒，过热( inflame的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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chafing
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| n.皮肤发炎v.擦热（尤指皮肤）( chafe的现在分词 )；擦痛；发怒；惹怒 | |
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vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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idiocies
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| n.极度的愚蠢( idiocy的名词复数 )；愚蠢的行为；白痴状态 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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begetting
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| v.为…之生父( beget的现在分词 )；产生，引起 | |
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frantic
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| adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的 | |
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devastating
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| adj.毁灭性的，令人震惊的，强有力的 | |
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discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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proprieties
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| n.礼仪，礼节；礼貌( propriety的名词复数 )；规矩；正当；合适 | |
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45
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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deluded
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| v.欺骗，哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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lengthening
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| （时间或空间）延长，伸长( lengthen的现在分词 )； 加长 | |
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satire
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| n.讽刺，讽刺文学，讽刺作品 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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acumen
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| n.敏锐，聪明 | |
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modicum
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| n.少量，一小份 | |
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scrupulously
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| adv.一丝不苟地；小心翼翼地，多顾虑地 | |
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apostate
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| n.背叛者，变节者 | |
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54
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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unstable
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| adj.不稳定的，易变的 | |
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ductile
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| adj.易延展的，柔软的 | |
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verging
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| 接近，逼近（verge的现在分词形式） | |
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asceticism
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| n.禁欲主义 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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compensated
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| 补偿，报酬( compensate的过去式和过去分词 )； 给（某人）赔偿（或赔款） | |
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formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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hue
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| n.色度；色调；样子 | |
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robust
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| adj.强壮的，强健的，粗野的，需要体力的，浓的 | |
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nominal
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| adj.名义上的；(金额、租金)微不足道的 | |
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obliviousness
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