Feb. 18, 1822. - Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and set off in high glee to meet the - hounds. He will be away all day, and so I will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can give that name to such an irregular composition. It is exactly four months since I opened it last.
I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grassdale Manor1. I have had eight weeks' experience of matrimony. And do I regret the step I have taken? No, though I must confess, in my secret heart, that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and if I had known him in the beginning as thoroughly2 as I do now, I probably never should have loved him, and if I loved him first, and then made the discovery, I fear I should have thought it my duty not to have married him. To be sure I might have known him, for every one was willing enough to tell me about him, and he himself was no accomplished3 hypocrite, but I was wilfully4 blind; and now, instead of regretting that I did not discern his full character before I was indissolubly bound to him, I am glad, for it has saved me a great deal of battling with my conscience, and a great deal of consequent trouble and pain; and, whatever I ought to have done, my duty now is plainly to love him and to cleave5 to him, and this just tallies6 with my inclination7.
He is very fond of me, almost too fond. I could do with less caressing8 and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and more of a friend, if I might choose; but I won't complain of that: I am only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains in ardour. I sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs9 and branches compared with one of solid coal, very bright and hot; but if it should burn itself out and leave nothing but ashes behind, what shall I do? But it won't, it sha'n't, I am determined10; and surely I have power to keep it alive. So let me dismiss that thought at once. But Arthur is selfish; I am constrained11 to acknowledge that; and, indeed, the admission gives me less pain than might be expected, for, since I love him so much, I can easily forgive him for loving himself: he likes to be pleased, and it is my delight to please him; and when I regret this tendency of his, it is for his own sake, not for mine.
The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour. He wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental12 scenes were already familiar to him: many had lost their interest in his eyes, and others had never had anything to lose. The consequence was, that after a flying transit13 through part of France and part of Italy, I came back nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no acquaintance with persons and manners, and very little with things, my head swarming14 with a motley confusion of objects and scenes; some, it is true, leaving a deeper and more pleasing impression than others, but these embittered15 by the recollection that my emotions had not been shared by my companion, but that, on the contrary, when I had expressed a particular interest in anything that I saw or desired to see, it had been displeasing16 to him, inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in anything disconnected with himself.
As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give me time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of Rome. He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to himself, and to see me safely installed as the mistress of Grassdale Manor, just as single-minded, as naive17, and piquante as I was; and as if I had been some frail18 butterfly, he expressed himself fearful of rubbing the silver off my wings by bringing me into contact with society, especially that of Paris and Rome; and, more-over, he did not scruple19 to tell me that there were ladies in both places that would tear his eyes out if they happened to meet him with me.
Of course I was vexed20 at all this; but still it was less the disappointment to myself that annoyed me, than the disappointment in him, and the trouble I was at to frame excuses to my friends for having seen and observed so little, without imputing21 one particle of blame to my companion. But when we got home - to my new, delightful22 home - I was so happy and he was so kind that I freely forgave him all; and I was beginning to think my lot too happy, and my husband actually too good for me, if not too good for this world, when, on the second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and horrified23 me by another instance of his unreasonable24 exaction25. We were walking home from the morning service, for it was a fine frosty day, and as we are so near the church, I had requested the carriage should not be used.
'Helen,' said he, with unusual gravity, 'I am not quite satisfied with you.'
I desired to know what was wrong.
'But will you promise to reform if I tell you?'
'Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority.'
'Ah! there it is, you see: you don't love me with all your heart.'
'I don't understand you, Arthur (at least I hope I don't): pray tell me what I have done or said amiss.'
'It is nothing you have done or said; it is something that you are - you are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I think your piety26 one of your greatest charms; but then, like all other good things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a woman's religion ought not to lessen27 her devotion to her earthly lord. She should have enough to purify and etherealise her soul, but not enough to refine away her heart, and raise her above all human sympathies.'
'And am I above all human sympathies?' said I.
'No, darling; but you are making more progress towards that saintly condition than I like; for all these two hours I have been thinking of you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absorbed in your devotions that you had not even a glance to spare for me - I declare it is enough to make one jealous of one's Maker28 - which is very wrong, you know; so don't excite such wicked passions again, for my soul's sake.'
'I will give my whole heart and soul to my Maker if I can,' I answered, 'and not one atom more of it to you than He allows. What are you, sir, that you should set yourself up as a god, and presume to dispute possession of my heart with Him to whom I owe all I have and all I am, every blessing29 I ever did or ever can enjoy - and yourself among the rest - if you are a blessing, which I am half inclined to doubt.'
'Don't be so hard upon me, Helen; and don't pinch my arm so: you are squeezing your fingers into the bone.'
'Arthur,' continued I, relaxing my hold of his arm, 'you don't love me half as much as I do you; and yet, if you loved me far less than you do, I would not complain, provided you loved your Maker more. I should rejoice to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in your devotions that you had not a single thought to spare for me. But, indeed, I should lose nothing by the change, for the more you loved your God the more deep and pure and true would be your love to me.'
At this he only laughed and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet enthusiast30. Then taking off his hat, he added: 'But look here, Helen - what can a man do with such a head as this?'
The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top of it, it sunk in a bed of curls, rather alarmingly low, especially in the middle.
'You see I was not made to be a saint,' said he, laughing, 'If God meant me to be religious, why didn't He give me a proper organ of veneration31?'
'You are like the servant,' I replied, 'who, instead of employing his one talent in his master's service, restored it to him unimproved, alleging32, as an excuse, that he knew him "to be a hard man, reaping where he had not sown, and gathering33 where he had not strawed." Of him to whom less is given, less will be required, but our utmost exertions34 are required of us all. You are not without the capacity of veneration, and faith and hope, and conscience and reason, and every other requisite35 to a Christian36's character, if you choose to employ them; but all our talents increase in the using, and every faculty37, both good and bad, strengthens by exercise: therefore, if you choose to use the bad, or those which tend to evil, till they become your masters, and neglect the good till they dwindle38 away, you have only yourself to blame. But you have talents, Arthur - natural endowments both of heart and mind and temper, such as many a better Christian would be glad to possess, if you would only employ them in God's service. I should never expect to see you a devotee, but it is quite possible to be a good Christian without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man.'
'You speak like an oracle39, Helen, and all you say is indisputably true; but listen here: I am hungry, and I see before me a good substantial dinner; I am told that if I abstain40 from this to-day I shall have a sumptuous41 feast to-morrow, consisting of all manner of dainties and delicacies42. Now, in the first place, I should be loth to wait till to-morrow when I have the means of appeasing43 my hunger already before me: in the second place, the solid viands44 of to-day are more to my taste than the dainties that are promised me; in the third place, I don't see to-morrow's banquet, and how can I tell that it is not all a fable45, got up by the greasy-faced fellow that is advising me to abstain in order that he may have all the good victuals46 to himself? in the fourth place, this table must be spread for somebody, and, as Solomon says, "Who can eat, or who else can hasten hereunto more than I?" and finally, with your leave, I'll sit down and satisfy my cravings of to-day, and leave to-morrow to shift for itself - who knows but what I may secure both this and that?'
'But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of to-day: you are only advised to partake of these coarser viands in such moderation as not to incapacitate you from enjoying the choicer banquet of to-morrow. If, regardless of that counsel, you choose to make a beast of yourself now, and over-eat and over-drink yourself till you turn the good victuals into poison, who is to blame if, hereafter, while you are suffering the torments47 of yesterday's gluttony and drunkenness, you see more temperate48 men sitting down to enjoy themselves at that splendid entertainment which you are unable to taste?'
'Most true, my patron saint; but again, our friend Solomon says, "There is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink, and to be merry."'
'And again,' returned I, 'he says, "Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment49."'
'Well, but, Helen, I'm sure I've been very good these last few weeks. What have you seen amiss in me, and what would you have me to do?'
'Nothing more than you do, Arthur: your actions are all right so far; but I would have your thoughts changed; I would have you to fortify50 yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good, and good evil; I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, and aim higher than you do.'
收听单词发音 |
1
manor
|
|
| n.庄园，领地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
thoroughly
|
|
| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
accomplished
|
|
| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
wilfully
|
|
| adv.任性固执地；蓄意地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
cleave
|
|
| v．(clave；cleaved)粘着，粘住；坚持；依恋 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
tallies
|
|
| n.账( tally的名词复数 )；符合；（计数的）签；标签v.计算，清点( tally的第三人称单数 )；加标签（或标记）于；（使）符合；（使）吻合 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
inclination
|
|
| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
caressing
|
|
| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
twigs
|
|
| 细枝，嫩枝( twig的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
determined
|
|
| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
constrained
|
|
| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
continental
|
|
| adj.大陆的，大陆性的，欧洲大陆的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
transit
|
|
| n.经过，运输；vt.穿越，旋转；vi.越过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
swarming
|
|
| 密集( swarm的现在分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
embittered
|
|
| v.使怨恨，激怒( embitter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
displeasing
|
|
| 不愉快的，令人发火的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
naive
|
|
| adj.幼稚的，轻信的；天真的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
frail
|
|
| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
scruple
|
|
| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
vexed
|
|
| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
imputing
|
|
| v.把（错误等）归咎于( impute的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
22
delightful
|
|
| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
horrified
|
|
| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
unreasonable
|
|
| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
exaction
|
|
| n.强求，强征；杂税 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
piety
|
|
| n.虔诚，虔敬 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
lessen
|
|
| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
maker
|
|
| n.制造者，制造商 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
blessing
|
|
| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
enthusiast
|
|
| n.热心人，热衷者 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
veneration
|
|
| n.尊敬，崇拜 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
alleging
|
|
| 断言，宣称，辩解( allege的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
gathering
|
|
| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
exertions
|
|
| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
requisite
|
|
| adj.需要的，必不可少的；n.必需品 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
Christian
|
|
| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
faculty
|
|
| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
dwindle
|
|
| v.逐渐变小（或减少） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
oracle
|
|
| n.神谕，神谕处，预言 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
abstain
|
|
| v.自制，戒绝，弃权，避免 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
sumptuous
|
|
| adj.豪华的，奢侈的，华丽的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
delicacies
|
|
| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
appeasing
|
|
| 安抚，抚慰( appease的现在分词 )； 绥靖（满足另一国的要求以避免战争） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
viands
|
|
| n.食品，食物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
fable
|
|
| n.寓言；童话；神话 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
victuals
|
|
| n.食物；食品 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
torments
|
|
| （肉体或精神上的）折磨，痛苦( torment的名词复数 )； 造成痛苦的事物[人] | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
temperate
|
|
| adj.温和的，温带的，自我克制的，不过分的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
judgment
|
|
| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
fortify
|
|
| v.强化防御，为…设防；加强，强化 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |