October 9th. - It was on the night of the 4th, a little after tea, that Annabella had been singing and playing, with Arthur as usual at her side: she had ended her song, but still she sat at the instrument; and he stood leaning on the back of her chair, conversing1 in scarcely audible tones, with his face in very close proximity2 with hers. I looked at Lord Lowborough. He was at the other end of the room, talking with Messrs. Hargrave and Grimsby; but I saw him dart3 towards his lady and his host a quick, impatient glance, expressive4 of intense disquietude, at which Grimsby smiled. Determined5 to interrupt the TETE-E-TETE, I rose, and, selecting a piece of music from the music stand, stepped up to the piano, intending to ask the lady to play it; but I stood transfixed and speechless on seeing her seated there, listening, with what seemed an exultant6 smile on her flushed face to his soft murmurings, with her hand quietly surrendered to his clasp. The blood rushed first to my heart, and then to my head; for there was more than this: almost at the moment of my approach, he cast a hurried glance over his shoulder towards the other occupants of the room, and then ardently7 pressed the unresisting hand to his lips. On raising his eyes, he beheld8 me, and dropped them again, confounded and dismayed. She saw me too, and confronted me with a look of hard defiance9. I laid the music on the piano, and retired10. I felt ill; but I did not leave the room: happily, it was getting late, and could not be long before the company dispersed11.
I went to the fire, and leant my head against the chimney-piece. In a minute or two, some one asked me if I felt unwell. I did not answer; indeed, at the time, I knew not what was said; but I mechanically looked up, and saw Mr. Hargrave standing12 beside me on the rug.
'Shall I get you a glass of wine?' said he.
'No, thank you,' I replied; and, turning from him, I looked round. Lady Lowborough was beside her husband, bending over him as he sat, with her hand on his shoulder, softly talking and smiling in his face; and Arthur was at the table, turning over a book of engravings. I seated myself in the nearest chair; and Mr. Hargrave, finding his services were not desired, judiciously13 withdrew. Shortly after, the company broke up, and, as the guests were retiring to their rooms, Arthur approached me, smiling with the utmost assurance.
'Are you very angry, Helen?' murmured he.
'This is no jest, Arthur,' said I, seriously, but as calmly as I could - 'unless you think it a jest to lose my affection for ever.'
'What! so bitter?' he exclaimed, laughingly, clasping my hand between both his; but I snatched it away, in indignation - almost in disgust, for he was obviously affected14 with wine.
'Then I must go down on my knees,' said he; and kneeling before me, with clasped hands, uplifted in mock humiliation15, he continued imploringly16 - 'Forgive me, Helen - dear Helen, forgive me, and I'll never do it again!' and, burying his face in his handkerchief, he affected to sob17 aloud.
Leaving him thus employed, I took my candle, and, slipping quietly from the room, hastened up-stairs as fast as I could. But he soon discovered that I had left him, and, rushing up after me, caught me in his arms, just as I had entered the chamber18, and was about to shut the door in his face.
'No, no, by heaven, you sha'n't escape me so!' he cried. Then, alarmed at my agitation19, he begged me not to put myself in such a passion, telling me I was white in the face, and should kill myself if I did so.
'Let me go, then,' I murmured; and immediately he released me - and it was well he did, for I was really in a passion. I sank into the easy-chair and endeavoured to compose myself, for I wanted to speak to him calmly. He stood beside me, but did not venture to touch me or to speak for a few seconds; then, approaching a little nearer, he dropped on one knee - not in mock humility20, but to bring himself nearer my level, and leaning his hand on the arm of the chair, he began in a low voice: 'It is all nonsense, Helen - a jest, a mere21 nothing - not worth a thought. Will you never learn,' he continued more boldly, 'that you have nothing to fear from me? that I love you wholly and entirely22? - or if,' he added with a lurking23 smile, 'I ever give a thought to another, you may well spare it, for those fancies are here and gone like a flash of lightning, while my love for you burns on steadily24, and for ever, like the sun. You little exorbitant25 tyrant26, will not that -?'
'Be quiet a moment, will you, Arthur?' said I, 'and listen to me - and don't think I'm in a jealous fury: I am perfectly27 calm. Feel my hand.' And I gravely extended it towards him - but closed it upon his with an energy that seemed to disprove the assertion, and made him smile. 'You needn't smile, sir,' said I, still tightening28 my grasp, and looking steadfastly29 on him till he almost quailed30 before me. 'You may think it all very fine, Mr. Huntingdon, to amuse yourself with rousing my jealousy31; but take care you don't rouse my hate instead. And when you have once extinguished my love, you will find it no easy matter to kindle32 it again.'
'Well, Helen, I won't repeat the offence. But I meant nothing by it, I assure you. I had taken too much wine, and I was scarcely myself at the time.'
'You often take too much; and that is another practice I detest33.' He looked up astonished at my warmth. 'Yes,' I continued; 'I never mentioned it before, because I was ashamed to do so; but now I'll tell you that it distresses34 me, and may disgust me, if you go on and suffer the habit to grow upon you, as it will if you don't check it in time. But the whole system of your conduct to Lady Lowborough is not referable to wine; and this night you knew perfectly well what you were doing.'
'Well, I'm sorry for it,' replied he, with more of sulkiness than contrition36: 'what more would you have?'
'You are sorry that I saw you, no doubt,' I answered coldly.
'If you had not seen me,' he muttered, fixing his eyes on the carpet, 'it would have done no harm.'
My heart felt ready to burst; but I resolutely37 swallowed back my emotion, and answered calmly,
'You think not?'
'No,' replied he, boldly. 'After all, what have I done? It's nothing - except as you choose to make it a subject of accusation38 and distress35.'
'What would Lord Lowborough, your friend, think, if he knew all? or what would you yourself think, if he or any other had acted the same part to me, throughout, as you have to Annabella?'
'I would blow his brains out.'
'Well, then, Arthur, how can you call it nothing - an offence for which you would think yourself justified39 in blowing another man's brains out? Is it nothing to trifle with your friend's feelings and mine - to endeavour to steal a woman's affections from her husband - what he values more than his gold, and therefore what it is more dishonest to take? Are the marriage vows40 a jest; and is it nothing to make it your sport to break them, and to tempt41 another to do the same? Can I love a man that does such things, and coolly maintains it is nothing?'
'You are breaking your marriage vows yourself,' said he, indignantly rising and pacing to and fro. 'You promised to honour and obey me, and now you attempt to hector over me, and threaten and accuse me, and call me worse than a highwayman. If it were not for your situation, Helen, I would not submit to it so tamely. I won't be dictated42 to by a woman, though she be my wife.'
'What will you do then? Will you go on till I hate you, and then accuse me of breaking my vows?'
He was silent a. moment, and then replied: 'You never will hate me.' Returning and resuming his former position at my feet, he repeated more vehemently43 - 'You cannot hate me as long as I love you.'
'But how can I believe that you love me, if you continue to act in this way? Just imagine yourself in my place: would you think I loved you, if I did so? Would you believe my protestations, and honour and trust me under such circumstances? '
'The cases are different,' he replied. 'It is a woman's nature to be constant - to love one and one only, blindly, tenderly, and for ever - bless them, dear creatures! and you above them all; but you must have some commiseration44 for us, Helen; you must give us a little more licence, for, as Shakespeare has it -
However we do praise ourselves, Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, More longing45, wavering, sooner lost and won Than women's are.'
'Do you mean by that, that your fancies are lost to me, and won by Lady Lowborough?'
'No! heaven is my witness that I think her mere dust and ashes in comparison with you, and shall continue to think so, unless you drive me from you by too much severity. She is a daughter of earth; you are an angel of heaven; only be not too austere46 in your divinity, and remember that I am a poor, fallible mortal. Come now, Helen; won't you forgive me?' he said, gently taking my hand, and looking up with an innocent smile.
'If I do, you will repeat the offence.'
'I swear by - '
'Don't swear; I'll believe your word as well as your oath. I wish I could have confidence in either.'
'Try me, then, Helen: only trust and pardon me this once, and you shall see! Come, I am in hell's torments47 till you speak the word.'
I did not speak it, but I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed his forehead, and then burst into tears. He embraced me tenderly; and we have been good friends ever since. He has been decently temperate48 at table, and well-conducted towards Lady Lowborough. The first day he held himself aloof49 from her, as far as he could without any flagrant breach50 of hospitality: since that he has been friendly and civil, but nothing more - in my presence, at least, nor, I think, at any other time; for she seems haughty51 and displeased52, and Lord Lowborough is manifestly more cheerful, and more cordial towards his host than before. But I shall be glad when they are gone, for I have so little love for Annabella that it is quite a task to be civil to her, and as she is the only woman here besides myself, we are necessarily thrown so much together. Next time Mrs. Hargrave calls I shall hail her advent53 as quite a relief. I have a good mind to ask Arthur's leave to invite the old lady to stay with us till our guests depart. I think I will. She will take it as a kind attention, and, though I have little relish54 for her society, she will be truly welcome as a third to stand between Lady Lowborough and me.
The first time the latter and I were alone together, after that unhappy evening, was an hour or two after breakfast on the following day, when the gentlemen were gone out, after the usual time spent in the writing of letters, the reading of newspapers, and desultory55 conversation. We sat silent for two or three minutes. She was busy with her work, and I was running over the columns of a paper from which I had extracted all the pith some twenty minutes before. It was a moment of painful embarrassment56 to me, and I thought it must be infinitely57 more so to her; but it seems I was mistaken. She was the first to speak; and, smiling with the coolest assurance, she began, -
'Your husband was merry last night, Helen: is he often so?'
My blood boiled in my face; but it was better she should seem to attribute his conduct to this than to anything else.
'No,' replied I, 'and never will be so again, I trust.'
'You gave him a curtain lecture, did you?'
'No! but I told him I disliked such conduct, and he promised me not to repeat it.'
'I thought he looked rather subdued58 this morning,' she continued; 'and you, Helen? you've been weeping, I see - that's our grand resource, you know. But doesn't it make your eyes smart? and do you always find it to answer?'
'I never cry for effect; nor can I conceive how any one can.'
'Well, I don't know: I never had occasion to try it; but I think if Lowborough were to commit such improprieties, I'd make him cry. I don't wonder at your being angry, for I'm sure I'd give my husband a lesson he would not soon forget for a lighter59 offence than that. But then he never will do anything of the kind; for I keep him in too good order for that.'
'Are you sure you don't arrogate60 too much of the credit to yourself. Lord Lowborough was quite as remarkable61 for his abstemiousness62 for some time before you married him, as he is now, I have heard.'
'Oh, about the wine you mean - yes, he's safe enough for that. And as to looking askance to another woman, he's safe enough for that too, while I live, for he worships the very ground I tread on.'
'Indeed! and are you sure you deserve it?'
'Why, as to that, I can't say: you know we're all fallible creatures, Helen; we none of us deserve to be worshipped. But are you sure your darling Huntingdon deserves all the love you give to him?'
I knew not what to answer to this. I was burning with anger; but I suppressed all outward manifestations63 of it, and only bit my lip and pretended to arrange my work.
'At any rate,' resumed she, pursuing her advantage, 'you can console yourself with the assurance that you are worthy64 of all the love he gives to you.'
'You flatter me,' said I; 'but, at least, I can try to be worthy of it.' And then I turned the conversation.
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conversing
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的现在分词 ) | |
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proximity
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| n.接近，邻近 | |
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dart
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| v.猛冲，投掷；n.飞镖，猛冲 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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exultant
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| adj.欢腾的，狂欢的，大喜的 | |
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ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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dispersed
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| adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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judiciously
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| adv.明断地，明智而审慎地 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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imploringly
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| adv. 恳求地, 哀求地 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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exorbitant
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| adj.过分的；过度的 | |
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tyrant
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| n.暴君，专制的君主，残暴的人 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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tightening
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| 上紧，固定，紧密 | |
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steadfastly
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| adv.踏实地，不变地；岿然；坚定不渝 | |
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quailed
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| 害怕，发抖，畏缩( quail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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kindle
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| v.点燃，着火 | |
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detest
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| vt.痛恨，憎恶 | |
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distresses
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| n.悲痛( distress的名词复数 )；痛苦；贫困；危险 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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contrition
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| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
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resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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vows
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| 誓言( vow的名词复数 )； 郑重宣布，许愿 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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dictated
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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vehemently
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| adv. 热烈地 | |
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commiseration
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| n.怜悯，同情 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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austere
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| adj.艰苦的；朴素的，朴实无华的；严峻的 | |
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torments
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| （肉体或精神上的）折磨，痛苦( torment的名词复数 )； 造成痛苦的事物[人] | |
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temperate
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| adj.温和的，温带的，自我克制的，不过分的 | |
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aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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advent
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| n.(重要事件等的)到来，来临 | |
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relish
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| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
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desultory
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| adj.散漫的，无方法的 | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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arrogate
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| v.冒称具有...权利，霸占 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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abstemiousness
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| n.适中，有节制 | |
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manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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