Evening. - Breakfast passed well over: I was calm and cool throughout. I answered composedly all inquiries1 respecting my health; and whatever was unusual in my look or manner was generally attributed to the trifling2 indisposition that had occasioned my early retirement3 last night. But how am I to get over the ten or twelve days that must yet elapse before they go? Yet why so long for their departure? When they are gone, how shall I get through the months or years of my future life in company with that man - my greatest enemy? for none could injure me as he has done. Oh! when I think how fondly, how foolishly I have loved him, how madly I have trusted him, how constantly I have laboured, and studied, and prayed, and struggled for his advantage; and how cruelly he has trampled4 on my love, betrayed my trust, scorned my prayers and tears, and efforts for his preservation5, crushed my hopes, destroyed my youth's best feelings, and doomed6 me to a life of hopeless misery7, as far as man can do it, it is not enough to say that I no longer love my husband - I HATE him! The word stares me in the face like a guilty confession9, but it is true: I hate him - I hate him! But God have mercy on his miserable10 soul! and make him see and feel his guilt8 - I ask no other vengeance11! If he could but fully12 know and truly feel my wrongs I should be well avenged13, and I could freely pardon all; but he is so lost, so hardened in his heartless depravity, that in this life I believe he never will. But it is useless dwelling14 on this theme: let me seek once more to dissipate reflection in the minor15 details of passing events.
Mr. Hargrave has annoyed me all day long with his serious, sympathising, and (as he thinks) unobtrusive politeness. If it were more obtrusive16 it would trouble me less, for then I could snub him; but, as it is, he contrives17 to appear so really kind and thoughtful that I cannot do so without rudeness and seeming ingratitude18. I sometimes think I ought to give him credit for the good feeling he simulates so well; and then again, I think it is my duty to suspect him under the peculiar20 circumstances in which I am placed. His kindness may not all be feigned21; but still, let not the purest impulse of gratitude19 to him induce me to forget myself: let me remember the game of chess, the expressions he used on the occasion, and those indescribable looks of his, that so justly roused my indignation, and I think I shall be safe enough. I have done well to record them so minutely.
I think he wishes to find an opportunity of speaking to me alone: he has seemed to be on the watch all day; but I have taken care to disappoint him - not that I fear anything he could say, but I have trouble enough without the addition of his insulting consolations22, condolences, or whatever else he might attempt; and, for Milicent's sake, I do not wish to quarrel with him. He excused himself from going out to shoot with the other gentlemen in the morning, under the pretext23 of having letters to write; and instead of retiring for that purpose into the library, he sent for his desk into the morning-room, where I was seated with Milicent and Lady Lowborough. They had betaken themselves to their work; I, less to divert my mind than to deprecate conversation, had provided myself with a book. Milicent saw that I wished to be quiet, and accordingly let me alone. Annabella, doubtless, saw it too: but that was no reason why she should restrain her tongue, or curb24 her cheerful spirits: she accordingly chatted away, addressing herself almost exclusively to me, and with the utmost assurance and familiarity, growing the more animated25 and friendly the colder and briefer my answers became. Mr. Hargrave saw that I could ill endure it, and, looking up from his desk, he answered her questions and observations for me, as far as he could, and attempted to transfer her social attentions from me to himself; but it would not do. Perhaps she thought I had a headache, and could not bear to talk; at any rate, she saw that her loquacious26 vivacity27 annoyed me, as I could tell by the malicious28 pertinacity29 with which she persisted. But I checked it effectually by putting into her hand the book I had been trying to read, on the fly-leaf of which I had hastily scribbled30, -
'I am too well acquainted with your character and conduct to feel any real friendship for you, and as I am without your talent for dissimulation31, I cannot assume the appearance of it. I must, therefore, beg that hereafter all familiar intercourse32 may cease between us; and if I still continue to treat you with civility, as if you were a woman worthy33 of consideration and respect, understand that it is out of regard for your cousin Milicent's feelings, not for yours.'
Upon perusing34 this she turned scarlet35, and bit her lip. Covertly36 tearing away the leaf, she crumpled37 it up and put it in the fire, and then employed herself in turning over the pages of the book, and, really or apparently38, perusing its contents. In a little while Milicent announced it her intention to repair to the nursery, and asked if I would accompany her.
'Annabella will excuse us,' said she; 'she's busy reading.'
'No, I won't,' cried Annabella, suddenly looking up, and throwing her book on the table; 'I want to speak to Helen a minute. You may go, Milicent, and she'll follow in a while.' (Milicent went.) 'Will you oblige me, Helen?' continued she.
Her impudence39 astounded40 me; but I complied, and followed her into the library. She closed the door, and walked up to the fire.
'Who told you this?' said she.
'No one: I am not incapable41 of seeing for myself.'
'Ah, you are suspicious!' cried she, smiling, with a gleam of hope. Hitherto there had been a kind of desperation in her hardihood; now she was evidently relieved.
'If I were suspicious,' I replied, 'I should have discovered your infamy42 long before. No, Lady Lowborough, I do not found my charge upon suspicion.'
'On what do you found it, then?' said she, throwing herself into an arm-chair, and stretching out her feet to the fender, with an obvious effort to appear composed.
'I enjoy a moonlight ramble43 as well as you,' I answered, steadily44 fixing my eyes upon her; 'and the shrubbery happens to be one of my favourite resorts.'
She coloured again excessively, and remained silent, pressing her finger against her teeth, and gazing into the fire. I watched her a few moments with a feeling of malevolent45 gratification; then, moving towards the door, I calmly asked if she had anything more to say.
'Yes, yes!' cried she eagerly, starting up from her reclining posture46. 'I want to know if you will tell Lord Lowborough?'
'Suppose I do?'
'Well, if you are disposed to publish the matter, I cannot dissuade47 you, of course - but there will be terrible work if you do - and if you don't, I shall think you the most generous of mortal beings - and if there is anything in the world I can do for you - anything short of - ' she hesitated.
'Short of renouncing48 your guilty connection with my husband, I suppose you mean?' said I.
She paused, in evident disconcertion and perplexity, mingled49 with anger she dared not show.
'I cannot renounce50 what is dearer than life,' she muttered, in a low, hurried tone. Then, suddenly raising her head and fixing her gleaming eyes upon me, she continued earnestly: 'But, Helen - or Mrs. Huntingdon, or whatever you would have me call you - will you tell him? If you are generous, here is a fitting opportunity for the exercise of your magnanimity: if you are proud, here am I - your rival - ready to acknowledge myself your debtor51 for an act of the most noble forbearance.'
'I shall not tell him.'
'You will not!' cried she, delightedly. 'Accept my sincere thanks, then!'
She sprang up, and offered me her hand. I drew back.
'Give me no thanks; it is not for your sake that I refrain. Neither is it an act of any forbearance: I have no wish to publish your shame. I should be sorry to distress52 your husband with the knowledge of it.'
'And Milicent? will you tell her?'
'No: on the contrary, I shall do my utmost to conceal53 it from her. I would not for much that she should know the infamy and disgrace of her relation!'
'You use hard words, Mrs. Huntingdon, but I can pardon you.'
'And now, Lady Lowborough,' continued I, 'let me counsel you to leave this house as soon as possible. You must be aware that your continuance here is excessively disagreeable to me - not for Mr. Huntingdon's sake,' said I, observing the dawn of a malicious smile of triumph on her face - 'you are welcome to him, if you like him, as far as I am concerned - but because it is painful to be always disguising my true sentiments respecting you, and straining to keep up an appearance of civility and respect towards one for whom I have not the most distant shadow of esteem54; and because, if you stay, your conduct cannot possibly remain concealed55 much longer from the only two persons in the house who do not know it already. And, for your husband's sake, Annabella, and even for your own, I wish - I earnestly advise and entreat56 you to break off this unlawful connection at once, and return to your duty while you may, before the dreadful consequences - '
'Yes, yes, of course,' said she, interrupting me with a gesture of impatience57. 'But I cannot go, Helen, before the time appointed for our departure. What possible pretext could I frame for such a thing? Whether I proposed going back alone - which Lowborough would not hear of - or taking him with me, the very circumstance itself would be certain to excite suspicion - and when our visit is so nearly at an end too - little more than a week - surely you can endure my presence so long! I will not annoy you with any more of my friendly impertinences.'
'Well, I have nothing more to say to you.'
'Have you mentioned this affair to Huntingdon?' asked she, as I was leaving the room.
'How dare you mention his name to me!' was the only answer I gave.
No words have passed between us since, but such as outward decency58 or pure necessity demanded.
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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retirement
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| n.退休，退职 | |
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trampled
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| 踩( trample的过去式和过去分词 )； 践踏； 无视； 侵犯 | |
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preservation
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| n.保护，维护，保存，保留，保持 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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avenged
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| v.为…复仇，报…之仇( avenge的过去式和过去分词 )；为…报复 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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obtrusive
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| adj.显眼的；冒失的 | |
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contrives
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| （不顾困难地）促成某事( contrive的第三人称单数 )； 巧妙地策划，精巧地制造（如机器）； 设法做到 | |
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ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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feigned
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| a.假装的，不真诚的 | |
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consolations
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| n.安慰，慰问( consolation的名词复数 )；起安慰作用的人（或事物） | |
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pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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loquacious
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| adj.多嘴的，饶舌的 | |
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vivacity
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| n.快活，活泼，精神充沛 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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pertinacity
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| n.执拗，顽固 | |
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scribbled
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| v.潦草的书写( scribble的过去式和过去分词 )；乱画；草草地写；匆匆记下 | |
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dissimulation
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| n.掩饰，虚伪，装糊涂 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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perusing
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的现在分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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covertly
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| adv.偷偷摸摸地 | |
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crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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astounded
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| v.使震惊(astound的过去式和过去分词)；愕然；愕；惊讶 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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42
infamy
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| n.声名狼藉，出丑，恶行 | |
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43
ramble
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| v.漫步，漫谈，漫游；n.漫步，闲谈，蔓延 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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malevolent
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| adj.有恶意的，恶毒的 | |
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posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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47
dissuade
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| v.劝阻，阻止 | |
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48
renouncing
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的现在分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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49
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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50
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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51
debtor
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| n.借方，债务人 | |
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52
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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53
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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54
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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55
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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56
entreat
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| v.恳求，恳请 | |
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57
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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58
decency
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| n.体面，得体，合宜，正派，庄重 | |
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