December 20th, 1824. - This is the third anniversary of our felicitous1 union. It is now two months since our guests left us to the enjoyment2 of each other's society; and I have had nine weeks' experience of this new phase of conjugal3 life - two persons living together, as master and mistress of the house, and father and mother of a winsome4, merry little child, with the mutual5 understanding that there is no love, friendship, or sympathy between them. As far as in me lies, I endeavour to live peaceably with him: I treat him with unimpeachable7 civility, give up my convenience to his, wherever it may reasonably be done, and consult him in a business-like way on household affairs, deferring8 to his pleasure and judgment9, even when I know the latter to be inferior to my own.
As for him, for the first week or two, he was peevish10 and low, fretting11, I suppose, over his dear Annabella's departure, and particularly ill-tempered to me: everything I did was wrong; I was cold-hearted, hard, insensate; my sour, pale face was perfectly12 repulsive13; my voice made him shudder14; he knew not how he could live through the winter with me; I should kill him by inches. Again I proposed a separation, but it would not do: he was not going to be the talk of all the old gossips in the neighbourhood: he would not have it said that he was such a brute15 his wife could not live with him. No; he must contrive16 to bear with me.
'I must contrive to bear with you, you mean,' said I; 'for so long as I discharge my functions of steward17 and house-keeper, so conscientiously18 and well, without pay and without thanks, you cannot afford to part with me. I shall therefore remit19 these duties when my bondage20 becomes intolerable.' This threat, I thought, would serve to keep him in check, if anything would.
I believe he was much disappointed that I did not feel his offensive sayings more acutely, for when he had said anything particularly well calculated to hurt my feelings, he would stare me searchingly in the face, and then grumble21 against my 'marble heart' or my 'brutal22 insensibility.' If I had bitterly wept and deplored23 his lost affection, he would, perhaps, have condescended24 to pity me, and taken me into favour for a while, just to comfort his solitude25 and console him for the absence of his beloved Annabella, until he could meet her again, or some more fitting substitute. Thank heaven, I am not so weak as that! I was infatuated once with a foolish, besotted affection, that clung to him in spite of his unworthiness, but it is fairly gone now - wholly crushed and withered26 away; and he has none but himself and his vices28 to thank for it.
At first (in compliance29 with his sweet lady's injunctions, I suppose), he abstained31 wonderfully well from seeking to solace32 his cares in wine; but at length he began to relax his virtuous33 efforts, and now and then exceeded a little, and still continues to do so; nay34, sometimes, not a little. When he is under the exciting influence of these excesses, he sometimes fires up and attempts to play the brute; and then I take little pains to suppress my scorn and disgust. When he is under the depressing influence of the after-consequences, he bemoans35 his sufferings and his errors, and charges them both upon me; he knows such indulgence injures his health, and does him more harm than good; but he says I drive him to it by my unnatural36, unwomanly conduct; it will be the ruin of him in the end, but it is all my fault; and then I am roused to defend myself, sometimes with bitter recrimination. This is a kind of injustice37 I cannot patiently endure. Have I not laboured long and hard to save him from this very vice27? Would I not labour still to deliver him from it if I could? but could I do so by fawning38 upon him and caressing39 him when I know that he scorns me? Is it my fault that I have lost my influence with him, or that he has forfeited40 every claim to my regard? And should I seek a reconciliation41 with him, when I feel that I abhor42 him, and that he despises me? and while he continues still to correspond with Lady Lowborough, as I know he does? No, never, never, never! he may drink himself dead, but it is NOT my fault!
Yet I do my part to save him still: I give him to understand that drinking makes his eyes dull, and his face red and bloated; and that it tends to render him imbecile in body and mind; and if Annabella were to see him as often as I do, she would speedily be disenchanted; and that she certainly will withdraw her favour from him, if he continues such courses. Such a mode of admonition wins only coarse abuse for me - and, indeed, I almost feel as if I deserved it, for I hate to use such arguments; but they sink into his stupefied heart, and make him pause, and ponder, and abstain30, more than anything else I could say.
At present I am enjoying a temporary relief from his presence: he is gone with Hargrave to join a distant hunt, and will probably not be back before to-morrow evening. How differently I used to feel his absence!
Mr. Hargrave is still at the Grove43. He and Arthur frequently meet to pursue their rural sports together: he often calls upon us here, and Arthur not unfrequently rides over to him. I do not think either of these soi-disant friends is overflowing44 with love for the other; but such intercourse45 serves to get the time on, and I am very willing it should continue, as it saves me some hours of discomfort46 in Arthur's society, and gives him some better employment than the sottish indulgence of his sensual appetites. The only objection I have to Mr. Hargrave's being in the neighbourhood, is that the fear of meeting him at the Grove prevents me from seeing his sister so often as I otherwise should; for, of late, he has conducted himself towards me with such unerring propriety47, that I have almost forgotten his former conduct. I suppose he is striving to 'win my esteem48.' If he continue to act in this way, he may win it; but what then? The moment he attempts to demand anything more, he will lose it again.
February 10th. - It is a hard, embittering49 thing to have one's kind feelings and good intentions cast back in one's teeth. I was beginning to relent towards my wretched partner; to pity his forlorn, comfortless condition, unalleviated as it is by the consolations50 of intellectual resources and the answer of a good conscience towards God; and to think I ought to sacrifice my pride, and renew my efforts once again to make his home agreeable and lead him back to the path of virtue51; not by false professions of love, and not by pretended remorse52, but by mitigating53 my habitual54 coldness of manner, and commuting55 my frigid56 civility into kindness wherever an opportunity occurred; and not only was I beginning to think so, but I had already begun to act upon the thought - and what was the result? No answering spark of kindness, no awakening57 penitence58, but an unappeasable ill-humour, and a spirit of tyrannous exaction59 that increased with indulgence, and a lurking60 gleam of self-complacent triumph at every detection of relenting softness in my manner, that congealed61 me to marble again as often as it recurred62; and this morning he finished the business:- I think the petrifaction63 is so completely effected at last that nothing can melt me again. Among his letters was one which he perused64 with symptoms of unusual gratification, and then threw it across the table to me, with the admonition, -
'There! read that, and take a lesson by it!'
It was in the free, dashing hand of Lady Lowborough. I glanced at the first page; it seemed full of extravagant65 protestations of affection; impetuous longings66 for a speedy reunion - and impious defiance67 of God's mandates68, and railings against His providence69 for having cast their lot asunder70, and doomed71 them both to the hateful bondage of alliance with those they could not love. He gave a slight titter on seeing me change colour. I folded up the letter, rose, and returned it to him, with no remark, but -
'Thank you, I will take a lesson by it!'
My little Arthur was standing6 between his knees, delightedly playing with the bright, ruby72 ring on his finger. Urged by a sudden, imperative73 impulse to deliver my son from that contaminating influence, I caught him up in my arms and carried him with me out of the room. Not liking74 this abrupt75 removal, the child began to pout76 and cry. This was a new stab to my already tortured heart. I would not let him go; but, taking him with me into the library, I shut the door, and, kneeling on the floor beside him, I embraced him, kissed him, wept over with him with passionate77 fondness. Rather frightened than consoled by this, he turned struggling from me, and cried out aloud for his papa. I released him from my arms, and never were more bitter tears than those that now concealed78 him from my blinded, burning eyes. Hearing his cries, the father came to the room. I instantly turned away, lest he should see and misconstrue my emotion. He swore at me, and took the now pacified79 child away.
It is hard that my little darling should love him more than me; and that, when the well-being80 and culture of my son is all I have to live for, I should see my influence destroyed by one whose selfish affection is more injurious than the coldest indifference81 or the harshest tyranny could be. If I, for his good, deny him some trifling82 indulgence, he goes to his father, and the latter, in spite of his selfish indolence, will even give himself some trouble to meet the child's desires: if I attempt to curb83 his will, or look gravely on him for some act of childish disobedience, he knows his other parent will smile and take his part against me. Thus, not only have I the father's spirit in the son to contend against, the germs of his evil tendencies to search out and eradicate84, and his corrupting85 intercourse and example in after-life to counteract86, but already he counteracts87 my arduous88 labour for the child's advantage, destroys my influence over his tender mind, and robs me of his very love; I had no earthly hope but this, and he seems to take a diabolical89 delight in tearing it away.
But it is wrong to despair; I will remember the counsel of the inspired writer to him 'that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his servant, that sitteth in darkness and hath no light; let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God!'
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felicitous
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| adj.恰当的，巧妙的；n.恰当，贴切 | |
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enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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conjugal
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| adj.婚姻的，婚姻性的 | |
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winsome
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| n.迷人的，漂亮的 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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unimpeachable
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| adj.无可指责的；adv.无可怀疑地 | |
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deferring
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| v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的现在分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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peevish
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| adj.易怒的，坏脾气的 | |
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fretting
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| n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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contrive
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| vt.谋划，策划；设法做到；设计，想出 | |
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steward
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| n.乘务员，服务员；看管人；膳食管理员 | |
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conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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remit
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| v.汇款，汇寄；豁免（债务），免除（处罚等） | |
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bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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deplored
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| v.悲叹，痛惜，强烈反对( deplore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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compliance
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| n.顺从；服从；附和；屈从 | |
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abstain
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| v.自制，戒绝，弃权，避免 | |
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abstained
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| v.戒（尤指酒），戒除( abstain的过去式和过去分词 )；弃权（不投票） | |
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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bemoans
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| v.为（某人或某事）抱怨( bemoan的第三人称单数 )；悲悼；为…恸哭；哀叹 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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fawning
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| adj.乞怜的，奉承的v.（尤指狗等）跳过来往人身上蹭以示亲热( fawn的现在分词 )；巴结；讨好 | |
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caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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forfeited
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| （因违反协议、犯规、受罚等）丧失，失去( forfeit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reconciliation
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| n.和解，和谐，一致 | |
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abhor
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| v.憎恶；痛恨 | |
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grove
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| n.林子，小树林，园林 | |
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overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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propriety
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| n.正当行为；正当；适当 | |
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esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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embittering
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| v.使怨恨，激怒( embitter的现在分词 ) | |
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consolations
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| n.安慰，慰问( consolation的名词复数 )；起安慰作用的人（或事物） | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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mitigating
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| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的现在分词 ) | |
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habitual
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| adj.习惯性的；通常的，惯常的 | |
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commuting
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| 交换（的） | |
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frigid
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| adj.寒冷的，凛冽的；冷淡的；拘禁的 | |
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awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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penitence
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| n.忏悔，赎罪；悔过 | |
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exaction
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| n.强求，强征；杂税 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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congealed
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| v.使凝结，冻结( congeal的过去式和过去分词 )；（指血）凝结 | |
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recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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petrifaction
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| n.石化，化石；吓呆；惊呆 | |
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perused
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的过去式和过去分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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extravagant
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| adj.奢侈的；过分的；(言行等)放肆的 | |
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longings
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| 渴望，盼望( longing的名词复数 ) | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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mandates
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| 托管（mandate的第三人称单数形式） | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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ruby
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| n.红宝石，红宝石色 | |
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imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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pout
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| v.撅嘴；绷脸；n.撅嘴；生气，不高兴 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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pacified
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| 使（某人）安静( pacify的过去式和过去分词 )； 息怒； 抚慰； 在（有战争的地区、国家等）实现和平 | |
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well-being
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| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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eradicate
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| v.根除，消灭，杜绝 | |
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corrupting
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的现在分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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counteract
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| vt.对…起反作用，对抗，抵消 | |
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counteracts
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| 对抗，抵消( counteract的第三人称单数 ) | |
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arduous
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| adj.艰苦的，费力的，陡峭的 | |
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diabolical
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| adj.恶魔似的，凶暴的 | |
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