Messrs. Grateley and Hooper, the solicitors1 in whose firm Ralph Denham was clerk, had their office in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and there Ralph Denham appeared every morning very punctually at ten o'clock. His punctuality, together with other qualities, marked him out among the clerks for success, and indeed it would have been safe to wager2 that in ten years' time or so one would find him at the head of his profession, had it not been for a peculiarity3 which sometimes seemed to make everything about him uncertain and perilous4. His sister Joan had already been disturbed by his love of gambling5 with his savings6. Scrutinizing7 him constantly with the eye of affection, she had become aware of a curious perversity8 in his temperament9 which caused her much anxiety, and would have caused her still more if she had not recognized the germs of it in her own nature. She could fancy Ralph suddenly sacrificing his entire career for some fantastic imagination; some cause or idea or even (so her fancy ran) for some woman seen from a railway train, hanging up clothes in a back yard. When he had found this beauty or this cause, no force, she knew, would avail to restrain him from pursuit of it. She suspected the East also, and always fidgeted herself when she saw him with a book of Indian travels in his hand, as though he were sucking contagion10 from the page. On the other hand, no common love affair, had there been such a thing, would have caused her a moment's uneasiness where Ralph was concerned. He was destined11 in her fancy for something splendid in the way of success or failure, she knew not which.
And yet nobody could have worked harder or done better in all the recognized stages of a young man's life than Ralph had done, and Joan had to gather materials for her fears from trifles in her brother's behavior which would have escaped any other eye. It was natural that she should be anxious. Life had been so arduous12 for all of them from the start that she could not help dreading13 any sudden relaxation14 of his grasp upon what he held, though, as she knew from inspection15 of her own life, such sudden impulse to let go and make away from the discipline and the drudgery16 was sometimes almost irresistible17. But with Ralph, if he broke away, she knew that it would be only to put himself under harsher constraint18; she figured him toiling19 through sandy deserts under a tropical sun to find the source of some river or the haunt of some fly; she figured him living by the labor20 of his hands in some city slum, the victim of one of those terrible theories of right and wrong which were current at the time; she figured him prisoner for life in the house of a woman who had seduced21 him by her misfortunes. Half proudly, and wholly anxiously, she framed such thoughts, as they sat, late at night, talking together over the gas-stove in Ralph's bedroom.
It is likely that Ralph would not have recognized his own dream of a future in the forecasts which disturbed his sister's peace of mind. Certainly, if any one of them had been put before him he would have rejected it with a laugh, as the sort of life that held no attractions for him. He could not have said how it was that he had put these absurd notions into his sister's head. Indeed, he prided himself upon being well broken into a life of hard work, about which he had no sort of illusions. His vision of his own future, unlike many such forecasts, could have been made public at any moment without a blush; he attributed to himself a strong brain, and conferred on himself a seat in the House of Commons at the age of fifty, a moderate fortune, and, with luck, an unimportant office in a Liberal Government. There was nothing extravagant23 in a forecast of that kind, and certainly nothing dishonorable. Nevertheless, as his sister guessed, it needed all Ralph's strength of will, together with the pressure of circumstances, to keep his feet moving in the path which led that way. It needed, in particular, a constant repetition of a phrase to the effect that he shared the common fate, found it best of all, and wished for no other; and by repeating such phrases he acquired punctuality and habits of work, and could very plausibly24 demonstrate that to be a clerk in a solicitor's office was the best of all possible lives, and that other ambitions were vain.
But, like all beliefs not genuinely held, this one depended very much upon the amount of acceptance it received from other people, and in private, when the pressure of public opinion was removed, Ralph let himself swing very rapidly away from his actual circumstances upon strange voyages which, indeed, he would have been ashamed to describe. In these dreams, of course, he figured in noble and romantic parts, but self-glorification was not the only motive25 of them. They gave outlet26 to some spirit which found no work to do in real life, for, with the pessimism27 which his lot forced upon him, Ralph had made up his mind that there was no use for what, contemptuously enough, he called dreams, in the world which we inhabit. It sometimes seemed to him that this spirit was the most valuable possession he had; he thought that by means of it he could set flowering waste tracts28 of the earth, cure many ills, or raise up beauty where none now existed; it was, too, a fierce and potent29 spirit which would devour30 the dusty books and parchments on the office wall with one lick of its tongue, and leave him in a minute standing31 in nakedness, if he gave way to it. His endeavor, for many years, had been to control the spirit, and at the age of twenty-nine he thought he could pride himself upon a life rigidly32 divided into the hours of work and those of dreams; the two lived side by side without harming each other. As a matter of fact, this effort at discipline had been helped by the interests of a difficult profession, but the old conclusion to which Ralph had come when he left college still held sway in his mind, and tinged33 his views with the melancholy34 belief that life for most people compels the exercise of the lower gifts and wastes the precious ones, until it forces us to agree that there is little virtue35, as well as little profit, in what once seemed to us the noblest part of our inheritance.
Denham was not altogether popular either in his office or among his family. He was too positive, at this stage of his career, as to what was right and what wrong, too proud of his self-control, and, as is natural in the case of persons not altogether happy or well suited in their conditions, too apt to prove the folly36 of contentment, if he found any one who confessed to that weakness. In the office his rather ostentatious efficiency annoyed those who took their own work more lightly, and, if they foretold37 his advancement38, it was not altogether sympathetically. Indeed, he appeared to be rather a hard and self- sufficient young man, with a queer temper, and manners that were uncompromisingly abrupt39, who was consumed with a desire to get on in the world, which was natural, these critics thought, in a man of no means, but not engaging.
The young men in the office had a perfect right to these opinions, because Denham showed no particular desire for their friendship. He liked them well enough, but shut them up in that compartment40 of life which was devoted41 to work. Hitherto, indeed, he had found little difficulty in arranging his life as methodically as he arranged his expenditure42, but about this time he began to encounter experiences which were not so easy to classify. Mary Datchet had begun this confusion two years ago by bursting into laughter at some remark of his, almost the first time they met. She could not explain why it was. She thought him quite astonishingly odd. When he knew her well enough to tell her how he spent Monday and Wednesday and Saturday, she was still more amused; she laughed till he laughed, too, without knowing why. It seemed to her very odd that he should know as much about breeding bulldogs as any man in England; that he had a collection of wild flowers found near London; and his weekly visit to old Miss Trotter at Ealing, who was an authority upon the science of Heraldry, never failed to excite her laughter. She wanted to know everything, even the kind of cake which the old lady supplied on these occasions; and their summer excursions to churches in the neighborhood of London for the purpose of taking rubbings of the brasses43 became most important festivals, from the interest she took in them. In six months she knew more about his odd friends and hobbies than his own brothers and sisters knew, after living with him all his life; and Ralph found this very pleasant, though disordering, for his own view of himself had always been profoundly serious.
Certainly it was very pleasant to be with Mary Datchet and to become, directly the door was shut, quite a different sort of person, eccentric and lovable, with scarcely any likeness44 to the self most people knew. He became less serious, and rather less dictatorial45 at home, for he was apt to hear Mary laughing at him, and telling him, as she was fond of doing, that he knew nothing at all about anything. She made him, also, take an interest in public questions, for which she had a natural liking46; and was in process of turning him from Tory to Radical47, after a course of public meetings, which began by boring him acutely, and ended by exciting him even more than they excited her.
But he was reserved; when ideas started up in his mind, he divided them automatically into those he could discuss with Mary, and those he must keep for himself. She knew this and it interested her, for she was accustomed to find young men very ready to talk about themselves, and had come to listen to them as one listens to children, without any thought of herself. But with Ralph, she had very little of this maternal48 feeling, and, in consequence, a much keener sense of her own individuality.
Late one afternoon Ralph stepped along the Strand49 to an interview with a lawyer upon business. The afternoon light was almost over, and already streams of greenish and yellowish artificial light were being poured into an atmosphere which, in country lanes, would now have been soft with the smoke of wood fires; and on both sides of the road the shop windows were full of sparkling chains and highly polished leather cases, which stood upon shelves made of thick plate-glass. None of these different objects was seen separately by Denham, but from all of them he drew an impression of stir and cheerfulness. Thus it came about that he saw Katharine Hilbery coming towards him, and looked straight at her, as if she were only an illustration of the argument that was going forward in his mind. In this spirit he noticed the rather set expression in her eyes, and the slight, half-conscious movement of her lips, which, together with her height and the distinction of her dress, made her look as if the scurrying50 crowd impeded51 her, and her direction were different from theirs. He noticed this calmly; but suddenly, as he passed her, his hands and knees began to tremble, and his heart beat painfully. She did not see him, and went on repeating to herself some lines which had stuck to her memory: "It's life that matters, nothing but life--the process of discovering --the everlasting52 and perpetual process, not the discovery itself at all." Thus occupied, she did not see Denham, and he had not the courage to stop her. But immediately the whole scene in the Strand wore that curious look of order and purpose which is imparted to the most heterogeneous53 things when music sounds; and so pleasant was this impression that he was very glad that he had not stopped her, after all. It grew slowly fainter, but lasted until he stood outside the barrister's chambers54.
When his interview with the barrister was over, it was too late to go back to the office. His sight of Katharine had put him queerly out of tune22 for a domestic evening. Where should he go? To walk through the streets of London until he came to Katharine's house, to look up at the windows and fancy her within, seemed to him possible for a moment; and then he rejected the plan almost with a blush as, with a curious division of consciousness, one plucks a flower sentimentally55 and throws it away, with a blush, when it is actually picked. No, he would go and see Mary Datchet. By this time she would be back from her work.
To see Ralph appear unexpectedly in her room threw Mary for a second off her balance. She had been cleaning knives in her little scullery, and when she had let him in she went back again, and turned on the cold-water tap to its fullest volume, and then turned it off again. "Now," she thought to herself, as she screwed it tight, "I'm not going to let these silly ideas come into my head. . . . Don't you think Mr. Asquith deserves to be hanged?" she called back into the sitting-room56, and when she joined him, drying her hands, she began to tell him about the latest evasion57 on the part of the Government with respect to the Women's Suffrage58 Bill. Ralph did not want to talk about politics, but he could not help respecting Mary for taking such an interest in public questions. He looked at her as she leant forward, poking59 the fire, and expressing herself very clearly in phrases which bore distantly the taint60 of the platform, and he thought, "How absurd Mary would think me if she knew that I almost made up my mind to walk all the way to Chelsea in order to look at Katharine's windows. She wouldn't understand it, but I like her very much as she is."
For some time they discussed what the women had better do; and as Ralph became genuinely interested in the question, Mary unconsciously let her attention wander, and a great desire came over her to talk to Ralph about her own feelings; or, at any rate, about something personal, so that she might see what he felt for her; but she resisted this wish. But she could not prevent him from feeling her lack of interest in what he was saying, and gradually they both became silent. One thought after another came up in Ralph's mind, but they were all, in some way, connected with Katharine, or with vague feelings of romance and adventure such as she inspired. But he could not talk to Mary about such thoughts; and he pitied her for knowing nothing of what he was feeling. "Here," he thought, "is where we differ from women; they have no sense of romance."
"Well, Mary," he said at length, "why don't you say something amusing?"
His tone was certainly provoking, but, as a general rule, Mary was not easily provoked. This evening, however, she replied rather sharply:
"Because I've got nothing amusing to say, I suppose."
Ralph thought for a moment, and then remarked:
"You work too hard. I don't mean your health," he added, as she laughed scornfully, "I mean that you seem to me to be getting wrapped up in your work."
"And is that a bad thing?" she asked, shading her eyes with her hand.
"I think it is," he returned abruptly61.
"But only a week ago you were saying the opposite." Her tone was defiant62, but she became curiously63 depressed64. Ralph did not perceive it, and took this opportunity of lecturing her, and expressing his latest views upon the proper conduct of life. She listened, but her main impression was that he had been meeting some one who had influenced him. He was telling her that she ought to read more, and to see that there were other points of view as deserving of attention as her own. Naturally, having last seen him as he left the office in company with Katharine, she attributed the change to her; it was likely that Katharine, on leaving the scene which she had so clearly despised, had pronounced some such criticism, or suggested it by her own attitude. But she knew that Ralph would never admit that he had been influenced by anybody.
"You don't read enough, Mary," he was saying. "You ought to read more poetry."
It was true that Mary's reading had been rather limited to such works as she needed to know for the sake of examinations; and her time for reading in London was very little. For some reason, no one likes to be told that they do not read enough poetry, but her resentment65 was only visible in the way she changed the position of her hands, and in the fixed66 look in her eyes. And then she thought to herself, "I'm behaving exactly as I said I wouldn't behave," whereupon she relaxed all her muscles and said, in her reasonable way:
"Tell me what I ought to read, then."
Ralph had unconsciously been irritated by Mary, and he now delivered himself of a few names of great poets which were the text for a discourse67 upon the imperfection of Mary's character and way of life.
"You live with your inferiors," he said, warming unreasonably68, as he knew, to his text. "And you get into a groove69 because, on the whole, it's rather a pleasant groove. And you tend to forget what you're there for. You've the feminine habit of making much of details. You don't see when things matter and when they don't. And that's what's the ruin of all these organizations. That's why the Suffragists have never done anything all these years. What's the point of drawing-room meetings and bazaars70? You want to have ideas, Mary; get hold of something big; never mind making mistakes, but don't niggle. Why don't you throw it all up for a year, and travel?--see something of the world. Don't be content to live with half a dozen people in a backwater all your life. But you won't," he concluded.
"I've rather come to that way of thinking myself--about myself, I mean," said Mary, surprising him by her acquiescence71. "I should like to go somewhere far away."
For a moment they were both silent. Ralph then said:
"But look here, Mary, you haven't been taking this seriously, have you?" His irritation72 was spent, and the depression, which she could not keep out of her voice, made him feel suddenly with remorse73 that he had been hurting her.
"You won't go away, will you?" he asked. And as she said nothing, he added, "Oh no, don't go away."
"I don't know exactly what I mean to do," she replied. She hovered74 on the verge75 of some discussion of her plans, but she received no encouragement. He fell into one of his queer silences, which seemed to Mary, in spite of all her precautions, to have reference to what she also could not prevent herself from thinking about--their feeling for each other and their relationship. She felt that the two lines of thought bored their way in long, parallel tunnels which came very close indeed, but never ran into each other.
When he had gone, and he left her without breaking his silence more than was needed to wish her good night, she sat on for a time, reviewing what he had said. If love is a devastating76 fire which melts the whole being into one mountain torrent77, Mary was no more in love with Denham than she was in love with her poker78 or her tongs79. But probably these extreme passions are very rare, and the state of mind thus depicted80 belongs to the very last stages of love, when the power to resist has been eaten away, week by week or day by day. Like most intelligent people, Mary was something of an egoist, to the extent, that is, of attaching great importance to what she felt, and she was by nature enough of a moralist to like to make certain, from time to time, that her feelings were creditable to her. When Ralph left her she thought over her state of mind, and came to the conclusion that it would be a good thing to learn a language--say Italian or German. She then went to a drawer, which she had to unlock, and took from it certain deeply scored manuscript pages. She read them through, looking up from her reading every now and then and thinking very intently for a few seconds about Ralph. She did her best to verify all the qualities in him which gave rise to emotions in her; and persuaded herself that she accounted reasonably for them all. Then she looked back again at her manuscript, and decided81 that to write grammatical English prose is the hardest thing in the world. But she thought about herself a great deal more than she thought about grammatical English prose or about Ralph Denham, and it may therefore be disputed whether she was in love, or, if so, to which branch of the family her passion belonged.
1 solicitors | |
初级律师( solicitor的名词复数 ) | |
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2 wager | |
n.赌注;vt.押注,打赌 | |
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3 peculiarity | |
n.独特性,特色;特殊的东西;怪癖 | |
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4 perilous | |
adj.危险的,冒险的 | |
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5 gambling | |
n.赌博;投机 | |
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6 savings | |
n.存款,储蓄 | |
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7 scrutinizing | |
v.仔细检查,详审( scrutinize的现在分词 ) | |
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8 perversity | |
n.任性;刚愎自用 | |
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9 temperament | |
n.气质,性格,性情 | |
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10 contagion | |
n.(通过接触的疾病)传染;蔓延 | |
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11 destined | |
adj.命中注定的;(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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12 arduous | |
adj.艰苦的,费力的,陡峭的 | |
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13 dreading | |
v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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14 relaxation | |
n.松弛,放松;休息;消遣;娱乐 | |
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15 inspection | |
n.检查,审查,检阅 | |
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16 drudgery | |
n.苦工,重活,单调乏味的工作 | |
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17 irresistible | |
adj.非常诱人的,无法拒绝的,无法抗拒的 | |
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18 constraint | |
n.(on)约束,限制;限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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19 toiling | |
长时间或辛苦地工作( toil的现在分词 ); 艰难缓慢地移动,跋涉 | |
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20 labor | |
n.劳动,努力,工作,劳工;分娩;vi.劳动,努力,苦干;vt.详细分析;麻烦 | |
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21 seduced | |
诱奸( seduce的过去式和过去分词 ); 勾引; 诱使堕落; 使入迷 | |
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22 tune | |
n.调子;和谐,协调;v.调音,调节,调整 | |
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23 extravagant | |
adj.奢侈的;过分的;(言行等)放肆的 | |
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24 plausibly | |
似真地 | |
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25 motive | |
n.动机,目的;adv.发动的,运动的 | |
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26 outlet | |
n.出口/路;销路;批发商店;通风口;发泄 | |
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27 pessimism | |
n.悲观者,悲观主义者,厌世者 | |
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28 tracts | |
大片土地( tract的名词复数 ); 地带; (体内的)道; (尤指宣扬宗教、伦理或政治的)短文 | |
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29 potent | |
adj.强有力的,有权势的;有效力的 | |
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30 devour | |
v.吞没;贪婪地注视或谛听,贪读;使着迷 | |
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31 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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32 rigidly | |
adv.刻板地,僵化地 | |
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33 tinged | |
v.(使)发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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34 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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35 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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36 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
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37 foretold | |
v.预言,预示( foretell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38 advancement | |
n.前进,促进,提升 | |
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39 abrupt | |
adj.突然的,意外的;唐突的,鲁莽的 | |
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40 compartment | |
n.卧车包房,隔间;分隔的空间 | |
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41 devoted | |
adj.忠诚的,忠实的,热心的,献身于...的 | |
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42 expenditure | |
n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出;使用,消耗 | |
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43 brasses | |
n.黄铜( brass的名词复数 );铜管乐器;钱;黄铜饰品(尤指马挽具上的黄铜圆片) | |
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44 likeness | |
n.相像,相似(之处) | |
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45 dictatorial | |
adj. 独裁的,专断的 | |
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46 liking | |
n.爱好;嗜好;喜欢 | |
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47 radical | |
n.激进份子,原子团,根号;adj.根本的,激进的,彻底的 | |
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48 maternal | |
adj.母亲的,母亲般的,母系的,母方的 | |
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49 strand | |
vt.使(船)搁浅,使(某人)困于(某地) | |
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50 scurrying | |
v.急匆匆地走( scurry的现在分词 ) | |
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51 impeded | |
阻碍,妨碍,阻止( impede的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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52 everlasting | |
adj.永恒的,持久的,无止境的 | |
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53 heterogeneous | |
adj.庞杂的;异类的 | |
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54 chambers | |
n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
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55 sentimentally | |
adv.富情感地 | |
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56 sitting-room | |
n.(BrE)客厅,起居室 | |
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57 evasion | |
n.逃避,偷漏(税) | |
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58 suffrage | |
n.投票,选举权,参政权 | |
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59 poking | |
n. 刺,戳,袋 vt. 拨开,刺,戳 vi. 戳,刺,捅,搜索,伸出,行动散慢 | |
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60 taint | |
n.污点;感染;腐坏;v.使感染;污染 | |
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61 abruptly | |
adv.突然地,出其不意地 | |
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62 defiant | |
adj.无礼的,挑战的 | |
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63 curiously | |
adv.有求知欲地;好问地;奇特地 | |
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64 depressed | |
adj.沮丧的,抑郁的,不景气的,萧条的 | |
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65 resentment | |
n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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66 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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67 discourse | |
n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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68 unreasonably | |
adv. 不合理地 | |
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69 groove | |
n.沟,槽;凹线,(刻出的)线条,习惯 | |
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70 bazaars | |
(东方国家的)市场( bazaar的名词复数 ); 义卖; 义卖市场; (出售花哨商品等的)小商品市场 | |
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71 acquiescence | |
n.默许;顺从 | |
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72 irritation | |
n.激怒,恼怒,生气 | |
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73 remorse | |
n.痛恨,悔恨,自责 | |
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74 hovered | |
鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 ); 靠近(某事物); (人)徘徊; 犹豫 | |
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75 verge | |
n.边,边缘;v.接近,濒临 | |
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76 devastating | |
adj.毁灭性的,令人震惊的,强有力的 | |
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77 torrent | |
n.激流,洪流;爆发,(话语等的)连发 | |
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78 poker | |
n.扑克;vt.烙制 | |
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79 tongs | |
n.钳;夹子 | |
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80 depicted | |
描绘,描画( depict的过去式和过去分词 ); 描述 | |
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81 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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