Chapter 11

“I used a want a boy for a kid,” said Ennis, undoing¹ buttons, “but just got little girls.”

“I didn’t want none a either kind,” said Jack². “But f*ck-all has worked the way I wanted. Nothin never come to my hand the right way.” Without getting up he threw deadwood on the fire, the sparks flying up with their truths and lies, a few hot points of fire landing on their hands and faces, not for the first time, and they rolled down into the dirt. One thing never changed: the brilliant charge of their infrequent couplings was darkened by the sense of time flying, never enough time, never enough.

A day or two later in the trailhead parking lot, horses loaded into the trailer, Ennis was ready to head back to Signal, Jack up to Lightning Flat to see the old man. Ennis leaned into Jack’s window, said what he’d been putting off the whole week, that likely he couldn’t get away again until November after they’d shipped stock and before winter feeding started.

“November. What in hell happened a August? Tell you what, we said August, nine, ten days. Christ, Ennis! Whyn’t you tell me this before? You had a f*ckin week to say some little word about it. And why’s it we’re always in the friggin cold weather? We ought a do somethin. We ought a go south. We ought a go to Mexico one day.” “Mexico? Jack, you know me. All the travelin I ever done is goin around the coffeepot lookin for the handle. And I’ll be runnin the baler all August, that’s what’s the matter with August. Lighten up, Jack. We can hunt in November, kill a nice elk³. Try if I can get Don Wroe’s cabin again. We had a good time that year.” “You know, friend, this is a goddamn bitch of a unsatisfactory situation. You used a come away easy. It’s like seein the pope now.” “Jack, I got a work. Them earlier days I used a quit the jobs. You got a wife with money, a good job. You forget how it is bein broke all the time. You ever hear a child support? I been payin out for years and got more to go. Let me tell you, I can’t quit this one. And I can’t get the time off. It was tough gettin this time—some a them late heifers is still calvin. You don’t leave then. You don’t. Stoutamire is a hell-raiser and he raised hell about me takin the week. I don’t blame him. He probly ain’t got a night’s sleep since I left. The tradeoff was August. You got a better idea?”

“I did once.” The tone was bitter and accusatory.  Ennis said nothing, straightened up slowly, rubbed at his forehead; a horse stamped inside the trailer. He walked to his truck, put his hand on the trailer, said something that only the horses could hear, turned and walked back at a deliberate pace.

“You been a Mexico, Jack?” Mexico was the place. He’d heard. He was cutting fence now, trespassing⁴ in the shoot-em zone.  “Hell yes, I been. Where’s the f*ckin problem?” Braced⁵ for it all these years and here it came, late and unexpected.  “I got a say this to you one time, Jack, and I ain’t foolin. What I don’t know,” said Ennis, “all them things I don’t know could get you killed if I should come to know them.”

“Try this one,” said Jack, “and I’ll say it just one time. Tell you what, we could a had a good life together, a f*ckin real good life. You wouldn’t do it, Ennis, so what we got now is Brokeback Mountain.  Everthing built on that. It’s all we got, boy, f*ckin all, so I hope you know that if you don’t never know the rest. Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years. Measure the f*ckin short leash⁶ you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico and then tell me you’ll kill me for needin it and not hardly never gettin it. You got no f*ckin idea how bad it gets. I’m not you. I can’t make it on a couple a high-altitude f*cks once or twice a year. You’re too much for me, Ennis, you son of a whoreson bitch. I wish I knew how to quit you.” Like vast clouds of steam from thermal⁷ springs in winter the years of things unsaid and now unsayable—admissions, declarations, shames, guilts, fears—rose around them. Ennis stood as if heartshot, face grey and deep-lined, grimacing⁸, eyes screwed shut, fists clenched⁹, legs caving, hit the ground on his knees.

1 undoing   

n.毁灭的原因，祸根；破坏，毁灭

参考例句：

• That one mistake was his undoing. 他一失足即成千古恨。
• This hard attitude may have led to his undoing. 可能就是这种强硬的态度导致了他的垮台。

2 jack   

n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克

参考例句：

• I am looking for the headphone jack.我正在找寻头戴式耳机插孔。
• He lifted the car with a jack to change the flat tyre.他用千斤顶把车顶起来换下瘪轮胎。

3 elk   

n.麋鹿

参考例句：

• I was close enough to the elk to hear its labored breathing.我离那头麋鹿非常近，能听见它吃力的呼吸声。
• The refuge contains the largest wintering population of elk in the world.这座庇护所有着世界上数量最大的冬季麋鹿群。

4 trespassing   

[法]非法入侵

参考例句：

• He told me I was trespassing on private land. 他说我在擅闯私人土地。
• Don't come trespassing on my land again. 别再闯入我的地界了。

5 braced   

adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来

参考例句：

• They braced up the old house with balks of timber. 他们用梁木加固旧房子。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The house has a wooden frame which is braced with brick. 这幢房子是木结构的砖瓦房。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 leash   

n.牵狗的皮带，束缚；v.用皮带系住

参考例句：

• I reached for the leash,but the dog got in between.我伸手去拿系狗绳，但被狗挡住了路。
• The dog strains at the leash,eager to be off.狗拼命地扯拉皮带，想挣脱开去。

7 thermal   

adj.热的，由热造成的；保暖的

参考例句：

• They will build another thermal power station.他们要另外建一座热能发电站。
• Volcanic activity has created thermal springs and boiling mud pools.火山活动产生了温泉和沸腾的泥浆池。

8 grimacing   

v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• But then Boozer drove past Gasol for a rattling, grimacing slam dunk. 可布泽尔单吃家嫂，以一记强有力的扣篮将比分超出。 来自互联网
• The martyrdom of Archbishop Cranmer, said the don at last, grimacing with embarrassment. 最后那位老师尴尬地做个鬼脸，说，这是大主教克莱默的殉道士。 来自互联网

9 clenched   

v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He clenched his fists in anger. 他愤怒地攥紧了拳头。
• She clenched her hands in her lap to hide their trembling. 她攥紧双手放在腿上，以掩饰其颤抖。 来自《简明英汉词典》