Chapter 25

Ibegan stalking them regularly, carefully, so that no one would know what I was up to.

I would wait for Jonah at school, I would visit Missy’s grave, I went to their house at night. My lies were convincing; no one suspected a thing.  I knew it was wrong, but it didn’t seem as if I could control my actions anymore. As with any compulsion, I couldn’t stop. When I did these things, I wondered about my state of mind. Was I a masochist, who wanted to relieve the agony I’d inflicted¹? Or was I a sadist, someone who secretly enjoyed their torment² and wanted to witness it firsthand? Was I both? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I didn’t seem to have a choice.

I could not escape the image I’d seen the first night, when Miles walked past his son without speaking to him, as if oblivious³ to his presence. After all that had happened, it wasn’t supposed to be that way. Yes, I knew that Missy had been taken from their lives . . . but didn’t people grow closer after a traumatic event? Didn’t they look to each other for support? Especially family?  This was what I had wanted to believe. This was how I had made it through the first six weeks. It became my mantra. They would survive. They would heal. They would turn to each other and become even closer. It was the singsong chant of a tortured fool, but it had become real in my mind.

But that night, they had not been doing okay. Not that night.  I am not naive⁴ enough now, nor was I naive enough then, to believe that a single snapshot of a family at home reveals the truth. I told myself after that night that I was mistaken in what I saw, or even if I was correct, that it didn’t mean anything. Nothing can be read into isolated⁵ instances. By the time I got to my car, I almost believed it.

But I had to make certain.

There is a path one takes when moving toward destruction. Like someone who has one drink on a Friday night, and two the next, only to gradually and completely lose control, I found myself proceeding⁶ more boldly. Two days after my nighttime visit, I needed to know about Jonah. I can still remember the train of thought I used to justify⁷ my action. It went like this: I’ll watch for Jonah today, and if he’s smiling, then I’ll know I was wrong. So I went to the school. I sat in the parking lot, a stranger sitting behind the wheel in a place I had no right to be, staring out the windshield. The first time I went, I barely caught a glimpse of him, so I returned the following day.

A few days later, I went again.

And again.

It got to the point where I recognized his teacher, his class, and I was soon able to pick him out immediately, just as he left the building. And I watched.  Sometimes he would smile, sometimes he wouldn’t, and for the rest of the afternoon, I would wonder what it meant. Either way, I was never satisfied.  And night would come. Like an itch⁸ I couldn’t reach, the compulsion to spy nagged⁹ at me, growing stronger as the hours rolled on. I would lie down, eyes wide open, then get out of bed. I’d pace back and forth¹⁰. I’d sit, then lie down again. And even though I knew it was wrong, I’d make the decision to go. I’d talk to myself, whispering the reasons I should ignore the feeling inside me, even as I reached for the car keys. I would drive the darkened stretch, urging myself to turn around and head back home, even as I parked the car. And I would make my way through the bushes surrounding their house, one step after the next, not understanding what had driven me there.

I watched them through the windows.

For a year, I saw their life unfold in little bits and pieces, filling in what I didn’t know already. I learned that Miles continued to work at night sometimes, and I wondered who was taking care of Jonah. So I charted Miles’s schedule, knowing when he’d be gone, and one day I followed Jonah’s bus home from school.  I learned that he stayed with a neighbor. A peek¹¹ at the mailbox told me who she was.

Other times, I watched them eating dinner. I learned what Jonah liked to eat, and I learned what shows he liked to watch afterward¹². I learned that he liked to play soccer but didn’t like reading. I watched him grow.  I saw good things and bad things, and always, I looked for a smile. Something, anything, that might lead me to stop this insanity¹³.

I watched Miles, too.

I saw him pick up around the house, sliding items into drawers. I saw him cook dinner. I watched him drink beer and smoke cigarettes on the back porch, when he thought no one was around. But most of all, I watched him as he sat in the kitchen.

There, concentrating, one hand moving through his hair, he stared at the file.  At first I assumed he brought his work home with him, but gradually I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. It wasn’t different cases that he was studying, it was a single case, since the file never seemed to change. It was then, with a sudden jolt¹⁴ of comprehension, that I knew what the file was about. I knew that he was looking for me, this person who watched him through the windows.  Again, after that, I justified¹⁵ what I was doing. I started coming to see him, to study his features as he peered at the file, to look for an “aha,” followed by a frantic¹⁶ phone call that would portend¹⁷ a visit to my home. To know when the end would come.

When I would finally leave the window to return to my car, I would feel weak, completely spent. I would swear that it was over, that I’d never do it again.  That I would let them lead their lives without intrusion. The urge to watch them would be satiated and guilt¹⁸ would set in, and on those evenings, I would despise what I had done. I would pray for forgiveness, and there were times I wanted to kill myself.

From someone who once had dreams of proving myself to the world, I now hated who I had become.

But then, no matter how much I wanted to stop, no matter how much I wanted to die, the urge would come again. I’d fight it until I could fight no longer, then I’d say to myself that this would be the last time. The very last.  And then, like a vampire¹⁹, I would creep out into the night.

1 inflicted   

把…强加给，使承受，遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• They inflicted a humiliating defeat on the home team. 他们使主队吃了一场很没面子的败仗。
• Zoya heroically bore the torture that the Fascists inflicted upon her. 卓娅英勇地承受法西斯匪徒加在她身上的酷刑。

2 torment   

n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠

参考例句：

• He has never suffered the torment of rejection.他从未经受过遭人拒绝的痛苦。
• Now nothing aggravates me more than when people torment each other.没有什么东西比人们的互相折磨更使我愤怒。

3 oblivious   

adj.易忘的，遗忘的，忘却的，健忘的

参考例句：

• Mother has become quite oblivious after the illness.这次病后，妈妈变得特别健忘。
• He was quite oblivious of the danger.他完全没有察觉到危险。

4 naive   

adj.幼稚的，轻信的；天真的

参考例句：

• It's naive of you to believe he'll do what he says.相信他会言行一致，你未免太单纯了。
• Don't be naive.The matter is not so simple.你别傻乎乎的。事情没有那么简单。

5 isolated   

adj.与世隔绝的

参考例句：

• His bad behaviour was just an isolated incident. 他的不良行为只是个别事件。
• Patients with the disease should be isolated. 这种病的患者应予以隔离。

6 proceeding   

n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报

参考例句：

• This train is now proceeding from Paris to London.这次列车从巴黎开往伦敦。
• The work is proceeding briskly.工作很有生气地进展着。

7 justify   

vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护

参考例句：

• He tried to justify his absence with lame excuses.他想用站不住脚的借口为自己的缺席辩解。
• Can you justify your rude behavior to me?你能向我证明你的粗野行为是有道理的吗？

8 itch   

n.痒，渴望，疥癣；vi.发痒，渴望

参考例句：

• Shylock has an itch for money.夏洛克渴望发财。
• He had an itch on his back.他背部发痒。

9 nagged   

adj.经常遭责怪的；被压制的；感到厌烦的；被激怒的v.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的过去式和过去分词 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责

参考例句：

• The old woman nagged (at) her daughter-in-law all day long. 那老太婆一天到晚地挑剔儿媳妇的不是。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She nagged him all day long. 她一天到晚地说他。 来自《简明英汉词典》

10 forth   

adv.向前；向外，往外

参考例句：

• The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
• He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。

11 peek   

vi.偷看，窥视；n.偷偷的一看，一瞥

参考例句：

• Larry takes a peek out of the window.赖瑞往窗外偷看了一下。
• Cover your eyes and don't peek.捂上眼睛，别偷看。

12 afterward   

adv.后来；以后

参考例句：

• Let's go to the theatre first and eat afterward. 让我们先去看戏，然后吃饭。
• Afterward,the boy became a very famous artist.后来，这男孩成为一个很有名的艺术家。

13 insanity   

n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐

参考例句：

• In his defense he alleged temporary insanity.他伪称一时精神错乱，为自己辩解。
• He remained in his cell,and this visit only increased the belief in his insanity.他依旧还是住在他的地牢里，这次视察只是更加使人相信他是个疯子了。

14 jolt   

v.（使）摇动，（使）震动，（使）颠簸

参考例句：

• We were worried that one tiny jolt could worsen her injuries.我们担心稍微颠簸一下就可能会使她的伤势恶化。
• They were working frantically in the fear that an aftershock would jolt the house again.他们拼命地干着，担心余震可能会使房子再次受到震动。

15 justified   

a.正当的，有理的

参考例句：

• She felt fully justified in asking for her money back. 她认为有充分的理由要求退款。
• The prisoner has certainly justified his claims by his actions. 那个囚犯确实已用自己的行动表明他的要求是正当的。

16 frantic   

adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的

参考例句：

• I've had a frantic rush to get my work done.我急急忙忙地赶完工作。
• He made frantic dash for the departing train.他发疯似地冲向正开出的火车。

17 portend   

v.预兆，预示；给…以警告

参考例句：

• Black clouds portend a storm.乌云为暴风雨的前兆。
• What do these strange events portend?这些奇怪的事件预示着什么？

18 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。

19 vampire   

n.吸血鬼

参考例句：

• It wasn't a wife waiting there for him but a blood sucking vampire!家里的不是个老婆，而是个吸人血的妖精！
• Children were afraid to go to sleep at night because of the many legends of vampire.由于听过许多有关吸血鬼的传说，孩子们晚上不敢去睡觉。