I DROVE HOME nearly blind with shame, cutting through dark, cold streets as if nothing mattered.
The closest I've come to having children are the people who've depended on me. Encountering Lauren had given me a glimpse of what the parents of whores and felons1 go through.
The look in her eyes when she'd recognized me—stripper's flaunt2 degrading to ... imbalance. The uncertainty3 she'd never shown as a teenager.
Now she was twenty-one. Legal. That made me laugh out loud.
Why the hell had I gone to Harnsberger's party in the first place? Why hadn't I left when the tone of the evening became clear?
Because, as in most men, something in me craved4 fresh erotic imagery.
Robin5 was waiting up for me, but that night I was very poor company.
I slept terribly, woke the next morning wondering what, if anything, I should do about the encounter. At eight o'clock I called my service, and the operator informed me Lauren had phoned at midnight and asked for an appointment.
"She sounded urgent," said the operator. "I knew about that cancellation6 at two, so I gave it to her. Hope that was okay, Dr. Delaware."
"Sure," I said, sick with dread7. "Thanks."
"We're here to serve, Doctor."
At two P.M. precisely8 the bell on the side door rang and my heart jumped.
Patients who've never been to my house usually remain down at the gate. The bell ring meant Lauren had unlatched the gate, mastered the route across the front drive and through the garden. No warning dog bark; Robin had gone up to Carpinteria on a wood-buying trip, left at daybreak, taking Spike9 with her.
I put down the coffee I hadn't touched, hurried through the house, opened the door.
New face on the other side.
Fresh, scrubbed, expressionless, clipped snowy hair stripped of product, brushed forward, falling in a soft Caesar cut.
No makeup10 at all. The same blue eyes—tougher, tempered. An untested face, except for the eyes.
At twenty-one Lauren looked younger than she had at fifteen.
A bleached-denim shirt and easy-fit jeans covered her from neck to ankle. The shirt was buttoned to the top and cinched with a turquoise11 clasp. The jeans managed to hug her frame, advertise the tight waist, soft hips12. On her feet were white canvas flats with straw soles. A big calfskin bag hung over one shoulder—rich, burnished13 roan, gold-clasped, conspicuously14 expensive.
"Hello, Lauren."
Gazing past me she offered her hand. Her palm was cold and dry. I didn't feel like smiling, but when her eyes finally met mine, I managed.
She didn't. "You work at home now. Cute place."
"Thanks. Come on in."
I stayed just ahead of her during the walk to my office. She moved fast—as eager to enter as she'd once been to leave.
"Very nice," she said when we got there. "Still seeing kids and teens?"
"I don't do much therapy anymore."
She froze in the doorway15. "Your answering service didn't say that."
"I'm still in practice, but most of my work is consultation," I said. "Court cases, some police work. I'm always available to former patients."
"Police work," she said. "Yes. I saw your name in the paper. That school-yard shooting. So now you're a public hero."
Still looking past me. Through me. "Come on in," I said.
"That's the same," she said, eyeing my old leather couch.
"Kind of an antique," I said.
"You're not — you really haven't changed that much."
I moved behind the desk.
"'I've changed," she said.
"You've grown up," I said.
"Have I?" She sat stiffly, made a move for the calfskin bag, stopped herself, started to smile, quashed that too. "Still no smoking?"
"Sorry, no."
"Filthy16 habit," she said. "Inherited it from Mom. She had a scare a few years back — spot on her X ray, but it turned out to be a shadow — stupid doctor. So she finally stopped. You'd think it would teach me. People are weak. You know that. You make a living off that."
"People are fallible," I said.
One of her legs began to bounce. "Back when I came to you, I gave you a real hard time, didn't I?"
I smiled. "Nothing I hadn't seen before."
"It probably didn't seem like it, but I was actually getting into the idea of therapy. I'd psyched myself up for it. Then they killed it."
"Your parents?"
The surprise in my voice made her flush. "They didn't tell you." Her smile was cold. "They claimed they did, but I always wondered."
"All I got was a cancellation call," I said. "No explanation. I phoned your house several times, but no one answered."
"Bastard," she said with sudden savagery17. "Asshole."
"Your father?"
"Lying asshole. He promised he'd explain everything to you. It was his decision — He never stopped complaining about the money. The day I was supposed to see you, he picked me up from school. I thought he was, making sure I showed up on time — I thought you'd lied to me and finked to him about my coming late. I was furious at you. But instead of heading to your office, he drove the other way — into the Valley. Over to this miniature golf course — this Family Fun Center. Arcades19, batting cages, all that junk. He parks, turns off the engine, says to me: 'You need quality time with your dad, not hundred-buck-an-hour baby-sitting with some quack20.'"
She bit her lip. "Doesn't that sound a little . . . like he was jealous of you?"
As I mulled my answer she said, "Seductive, don't you think?"
I continued to deliberate. Took the leap. "Lauren, was there ever any—"
"No," she said. "Never, nothing like that, he never laid a finger on me. Not for anything creepy or for normal affection. The fact is, I can't remember him ever touching21 me. He's a cold fish. And guess what: He and Mom finally got divorced. He got himself a bimbo, some slut he met on the job— So they never told you they canceled, that it wasn't my idea. Figures. They brought me up with lies."
"What kind of lies?"
The blue eyes met mine. Got hard. "Doesn't matter."
"That day at the golf course," I said. "What happened?"
"What happened? Nothing happened. We played a few holes, finally I said I was bored, started nagging22 and whining23 to be taken home. He tried to convince me. I sat down on the green and wouldn't budge24. He got mad—got all red-faced like he does, finally drove me home, steaming. Mom was in her room— It was obvious she'd been crying. I thought it had to do with me. I thought everything had to do with me—thought it all the time, and it just sat there in my head like a tumor25. Now I know better; they were totally messed up all along."
She crossed her legs. "A few weeks later he walked out. Filed for divorce without telling her. She tried to get child support out of him, he claimed business was lousy, never gave us a penny. I told her to sue his ass18, but she didn't. Not a fighter—she never has been."
"So you lived with her."
"For a little while. If you call it living. We lost the house, moved into an apartment in Panorama26 City, real dive—gunshots at night, the whole bit. Things sucked, we were broke, she was always crying. But I was having a great time 'cause she wasn't even trying to discipline me and finally I could do what I wanted. She wouldn't fight with me either."
She took a tissue from the box I position strategically, crumpled27 it into a ball, picked it open.
"Men suck," she said, staring at me. "Now let's talk about last night."
"Last night was unfortunate."
Her eyes sparked. "Unfortunate? That's the best you can do? You know the problem with this goddamn world? No one ever says they're sorry."
"Lauren—"
"Forget it." She waved the tissue dismissively. "I don't know why I even bothered." She began rummaging28 through the leather bag. "End of session. How much do you charge now? Probably more, now that your name gets in the papers."
"Please, Lauren—"
"No," she said, shooting to her feet. "The time's mine, so don't tell me how to spend it. No one tells me what to do anymore. That's what I like about my job."
"Being in control."
Her hands slapped onto her hips, and she glared down at me. "I know you're giving me shrink talk, but in this case you happen to be right. Last night you were probably too turned on to notice, but I was in charge— Michelle and me. All you guys with your mouths hanging open and your dicks stiff, and we were calling the shots. So don't judge me as if I'm some brainless slut."
Her hands fisted and she stepped closer. "Why'd you have to leave like that? Why were you ashamed of me?"
As I considered my answer, she gave a knowing smile. "I turned you on and that freaked you out."
I said, "If you were a stranger, I probably would've stuck around. I left because I was ashamed of myself."
She smirked30. "ProteWy would've stuck around?"
I didn't answer.
"But we are strangers," she said. "How can you say we're not?"
"The fact that you're here—"
"So what?"
"Lauren, once you came to me for help, I had a duty to be there for you. Like a surrogate parent. I felt my presence caused you shame too, but it was my own embarrassment31 that got me out of there."
"How noble," she said. "Man, you're confused. Like all guys are— Okay, I got what I came for. Now I'm going to pay you."
"There's nothing to pay for."
She wagged a finger. "Oh no, you don't. You've got the title and respectability, and in your eyes I'm just some stripper-slut. But once I pay you, the balance of power equalizes."
"I am not judging you, Lauren."
"You say." She whipped a wad of cash out of her jeans pocket. "What's the tab, Doc?"
"Let's talk about—"
"How much?" she demanded. "What's your hourly fee?"
I told her. She whistled. "Not too shabby." She peeled off bills, handed them to me. "Okay, here you go, and you don't even have to declare it to the IRS. I'll find my own way out."
I followed her anyway. When we reached the door, she said, "My roll— that stash32 I paid you from? Did you see the size of it? That's my tip money, honey. I do great with tips."
收听单词发音 |
1
felons
|
|
| n.重罪犯( felon的名词复数 )；瘭疽；甲沟炎；指头脓炎 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
flaunt
|
|
| vt.夸耀，夸饰 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
uncertainty
|
|
| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
craved
|
|
| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
robin
|
|
| n.知更鸟，红襟鸟 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
cancellation
|
|
| n.删除，取消 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
dread
|
|
| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
precisely
|
|
| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
spike
|
|
| n.长钉，钉鞋；v.以大钉钉牢，使...失效 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
makeup
|
|
| n.组织；性格；化装品 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
turquoise
|
|
| n.绿宝石；adj.蓝绿色的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
hips
|
|
| abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯，耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 )；[建筑学]屋脊；臀围（尺寸）；臀部…的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
burnished
|
|
| adj.抛光的，光亮的v.擦亮（金属等），磨光( burnish的过去式和过去分词 )；被擦亮，磨光 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
conspicuously
|
|
| ad.明显地，惹人注目地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
doorway
|
|
| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
filthy
|
|
| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
savagery
|
|
| n.野性 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
ass
|
|
| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
arcades
|
|
| n.商场( arcade的名词复数 )；拱形走道（两旁有商店或娱乐设施）；连拱廊；拱形建筑物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
quack
|
|
| n.庸医；江湖医生；冒充内行的人；骗子 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
touching
|
|
| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
nagging
|
|
| adj.唠叨的，挑剔的；使人不得安宁的v.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的现在分词 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
whining
|
|
| n. 抱怨，牢骚 v. 哭诉，发牢骚 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
budge
|
|
| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
tumor
|
|
| n.（肿）瘤，肿块(英)tumour | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
panorama
|
|
| n.全景，全景画，全景摄影，全景照片[装置] | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
crumpled
|
|
| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
rummaging
|
|
| 翻找，搜寻( rummage的现在分词 )； 海关检查 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
judgments
|
|
| 判断( judgment的名词复数 )； 鉴定； 评价； 审判 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
smirked
|
|
| v.傻笑( smirk的过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
embarrassment
|
|
| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
stash
|
|
| v.藏或贮存于一秘密处所；n.隐藏处 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |