LATER THAT AFTERNOON, my doctor came in and told me there was nothing wrong with my system that a good glass of wine or two wouldn't cure.
"There are even some people here who want to take you home," he said.
Outside my room, I saw Claire and Cindy peeking1 in.
They took me home about long enough to shower, change, and give Martha a long-overdue hug. Then I had to go down to the Hall. Everyone seemed to want a piece of me. I made a date to see the girls later at Susie's. It was important that we get together now.
I did the news spots on the steps of the Hall. Tom Brokaw was patched through and interviewed me on a video link.
As I recounted the story of how we had found Danko and Hardaway, I felt a tremor2 snaking through me, distancing me even as I spoke3. Jill was dead; Molinari was gone; I didn't feel much like a hero. The phone was going to ring, some other homicide called in, and life would slam back the way it always did. But this time I knew nothing was ever going to be the same.
It was about four-thirty when the girls came to get me. I was doing reports. Although Jacobi and Cappy were bragging4 they had the best LT on the force, I'd actually felt depressed5. Lonely and empty. Until the girls showed up, anyway.
"Hey," Cindy said, twirling a little Mexican cocktail6 flag in my face, "margaritas await."
They took me to Susie's, the last place we had been with Jill. Actually, two years before, it was where we had welcomed her into our budding group. We took our places in our cor-ner booth and ordered a round of margaritas. I ran them through the terrifying struggle at the Palace the night before, the president's call, then today, Brokaw and the evening news.
It was sad, though, just the three of us. The conspicuous7 empty space next to Claire.
Our drinks came. "On the house, of course," the waitress, Joanie, said.
We raised our glasses, each of us trying to smile, but fighting back tears. "Here's to our girl," Claire said. "Maybe now she can start to rest in peace."
"She'll never rest in peace," Cindy said, laughing through tears. "Out of character."
"I'm sure she's up there now," I said, "sizing up the peck-ing order, looking down at us. `Hey, guys, I got it all figured out....' "
"Then she's smiling," Claire said.
"To Jill," we all said. We clinked glasses. It was hard to think that this was the way it was going to be from now on. I missed her so much, and never more than that moment at our table, without her.
"So," Claire said, clearing her throat, her gaze landing on me. "What happens now?"
"We're gonna order some ribs," I said, "and I'm gonna have another one of these. Maybe more than one."
"I think she was actually saying, what's with you and Deputy Dawg." Cindy winked8.
"He's heading back to Washington," I said. "Tonight."
"For good?" Claire asked, surprised.
"That's where the listening devices and sleek9 black heli-copters are." I stirred my drink. "Bell helicopter, I believe."
"Oh." Claire nodded. She glanced toward Cindy. "You like this guy, don't you, Lindsay?"
"I like him," I said. I flagged Joanie, ordered another round of drinks.
"I don't mean like him, honey. I mean you really like him."
"Whad'ya want me to do, Claire? Break out in a chorus of `Don't he make my brown eyes blue'?"
"No," Claire said, glancing at Cindy, then back to me, "what we want you to do, Lindsay, is put aside whatever it is that's getting in the way of you doing the right thing for your-self, before you let that guy get on his plane."
I arched my back against the booth. I swallowed uneasily. "It's Jill...."
"Jill?"
I took a breath, a sharp rush of tears biting at my eyes. "I wasn't there for her, Claire. The night she threw Steve out."
"What're you talking about?" Claire said. "You were up in Portland."
"I was with Molinari," I said. "When I got back it was after one. Jill sounded mixed up. I said I'd come over, but I didn't press it. You know why? Because I was all dreamy-eyed over Joe. She had just thrown Steve out."
"She said she was okay," Cindy said. "You told us."
"And that was Jill, right? You ever heard her ask for help? Bottom line, I wasn't there for her. And whether it's right or wrong, I can't look at Joe now without seeing her, hear-ing her needing me, thinking if I had, maybe she'd still be here."
Neither of them said anything. Not a word. I sat there, my jaw10 tight, pressing back tears.
"I'll tell you what I think," Claire said, her fingers creep-ing across the table and taking a hold of my hand. "I think you're way too smart, honey, to really think that your enjoy-ing yourself for once in your life made any difference in what happened to Jill. You know she'd be the first one who'd want you to be happy, too."
"I know that, Claire." I nodded. "I just can't put it away...."
"Well, you better put it away," Claire said, squeezing my hand, "'cause all it is, is you just trying to hurt yourself. Everyone's entitled to be happy, Lindsay. Even you."
I dabbed11 at a tear with the cocktail napkin. "I already heard that once today," I said, and couldn't hold back a smile.
"Yeah, well, here's to Lindsay Boxer," Claire announced, and raised her glass. "And here's to hoping that for once in her life she hears it loud and clear."
A shout interrupted us from the bar area. Everyone was pointing to the TV. Instead of some dumb ball game, there was my face on the screen. Tom Brokaw was asking me ques-tions. Whistles and cheering broke out.
There I was on the evening news.
收听单词发音 |
1
peeking
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| v.很快地看( peek的现在分词 )；偷看；窥视；微露出 | |
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2
tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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3
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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bragging
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| v.自夸，吹嘘( brag的现在分词 )；大话 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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cocktail
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| n.鸡尾酒；餐前开胃小吃；混合物 | |
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conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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8
winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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11
dabbed
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| （用某物）轻触( dab的过去式和过去分词 )； 轻而快地擦掉（或抹掉）； 快速擦拭； （用某物）轻而快地涂上（或点上）… | |
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