NOT LONG after lunch, once she was assured that her sister’s children and Briony had eaten sensibly and would keep their promise to stay away from the pool for at least two hours, Emily Tallis had withdrawn1 from the white glare of the afternoon’s heat to a cool and darkened bedroom. She was not in pain, not yet, but she was retreating before its threat. There were illuminated3 points in her vision, little pinpricks, as though the worn fabric4 of the visible world was being held up against a far brighter light. She felt in the top right corner of her brain a heaviness, the inert5 body weight of some curled and sleeping animal; but when she touched her head and pressed, the presence disappeared from the coordinates6 of actual space. Now it was in the top right corner of her mind, and in her imagination she could stand on tiptoe and raise her right hand to it. It was important, however, not to provoke it; once this lazy creature moved from the peripheries7 to the center, then the knifing pains would obliterate8 all thought, and there would be no chance of dining with Leon and the family tonight. It bore her no malice9, this animal, it was indifferent to her misery10. It would move as a caged panther might: because it was awake, out of boredom11, for the sake of movement itself, or for no reason at all, and with no awareness12. She lay supine on her bed without a pillow, a glass of water within easy reach and, at her side, a book she knew she could not read. A long, blurred13 strip of daylight reflected on the ceiling above the pelmet was all that broke the darkness. She lay rigidly14 apprehensive15, held at knifepoint, knowing that fear would not let her sleep and that her only hope was in keeping still.
She thought of the vast heat that rose above the house and park, and lay across the Home Counties like smoke, suffocating16 the farms and towns, and she thought of the baking railway tracks that were bringing Leon and his friend, and the roasting black-roofed carriage in which they would sit by an open window. She had ordered a roast for this evening and it would be too stifling17 to eat. She heard the house creak as it expanded. Or were the rafters and posts drying out and contracting against the masonry18? Shrinking, everything was shrinking. Leon’s prospects20, for example, diminishing by the year as he refused the offer of a leg up from his father, the chance of something decent in the civil service, preferring instead to be the humblest soul in a private bank, and living for the weekends and his rowing eight. She could be angrier with him if he were not so sweet-natured and content and surrounded by successful friends. Too handsome, too popular, no sting of unhappiness and ambition. One day he might bring home a friend for Cecilia to marry, if three years at Girton had not made her an impossible prospect19, with her pretensions21 to solitude22, and smoking in the bedroom, and her improbable nostalgia23 for a time barely concluded and for those fat girls in glasses from New Zealand with whom she had shared a set, or was it a gyp? The cozy24 jargon25 of Cecilia’s Cambridge—the Halls, the Maids’ Dancing, the Little-Go, and all the self-adoring slumming, the knickers drying before the electric fire and two to a hairbrush—made Emily Tallis a little cross, though not remotely jealous. She had been educated at home until the age of sixteen, and was sent to Switzerland for two years which were shortened to one for economy, and she knew for a fact that the whole performance, women at the Varsity, was childish really, at best an innocent lark26, like the girls’ rowing eight, a little posturing27 alongside their brothers dressed up in the solemnity of social progress. They weren’t even awarding girls proper degrees. When Cecilia came home in July with her finals’ result—the nerve of the girl to be disappointed with it!—she had no job or skill and still had a husband to find and motherhood to confront, and what would her bluestocking teachers—the ones with silly nicknames and “fearsome” reputations—have to tell her about that? Those self-important women gained local immortality28 for the blandest29, the most timid of eccentricities—walking a cat on a dog’s lead, riding about on a man’s bike, being seen with a sandwich in the street. A generation later these silly, ignorant ladies would be long dead and still revered30 at High Table and spoken of in lowered voices.
Feeling the black-furred creature begin to stir, Emily let her thoughts move away from her eldest32 daughter and sent the tendrils of a worrying disposition33 out toward her youngest. Poor darling Briony, the softest little thing, doing her all to entertain her hard-bitten wiry cousins with the play she had written from her heart. To love her was to be soothed34. But how to protect her against failure, against that Lola, the incarnation of Emily’s youngest sister who had been just as precocious36 and scheming at that age, and who had recently plotted her way out of a marriage, into what she wanted everyone to call a nervous breakdown37. She could not afford to let Hermione into her thoughts. Instead, Emily, breathing quietly in the darkness, gauged38 the state of the household by straining to listen. In her condition, this was the only contribution she could make. She rested her palm against her forehead, and heard another tick as the building shrank tighter. From far below came a metallic39 clang, a falling saucepan lid perhaps; the pointless roast dinner was in the earliest stages of preparation. From upstairs, the thud of feet on floorboards and children’s voices, two or three at least, talking at once, rising, falling, and rising again, perhaps in dissent40, perhaps excited agreement. The nursery was on the floor above, and only one room along. The Trials of Arabella. If she were not so ill, she would go up now and supervise or help, for it was too much for them, she knew. Illness had stopped her giving her children all a mother should. Sensing this, they had always called her by her first name. Cecilia should lend a hand, but she was too wrapped up in herself, too much the intellectual to bother with children . . . Emily successfully resisted the pursuit of this line, and seemed to drift away then, not quite into sleep, but out of thought into invalid41 nullity, and many minutes passed until she heard in the hallway outside her bedroom footfalls on the stairs, and by the muffled42 sound of them thought they must be barefoot and therefore Briony’s. The girl would not wear her shoes in the hot weather. Minutes later, from the nursery again, energetic scuffling and something hard rattling43 across the floorboards. The rehearsals44 had disintegrated45, Briony had retreated in a sulk, the twins were fooling about, and Lola, if she was as much like her mother as Emily believed, would be tranquil46 and triumphant47.
Habitual48 fretting49 about her children, her husband, her sister, the help, had rubbed her senses raw; migraine, mother love and, over the years, many hours of lying still on her bed, had distilled50 from this sensitivity a sixth sense, a tentacular51 awareness that reached out from the dimness and moved through the house, unseen and all-knowing. Only the truth came back to her, for what she knew, she knew. The indistinct murmur52 of voices heard through a carpeted floor surpassed in clarity a typed-up transcript53; a conversation that penetrated55 a wall or, better, two walls, came stripped of all but its essential twists and nuances. What to others would have been a muffling56 was to her alert senses, which were fine-tuned like the cat’s whiskers of an old wireless57, an almost unbearable58 amplification59. She lay in the dark and knew everything. The less she was able to do, the more she was aware. But though she sometimes longed to rise up and intervene, especially if she thought Briony was in need of her, the fear of pain kept her in place. At worst, unrestrained, a matching set of sharpened kitchen knives would be drawn2 across her optic nerve, and then again, with a greater downward pressure, and she would be entirely60 shut in and alone. Even groaning61 increased the agony.
And so she lay there as the late afternoon slipped by. The front door had opened and closed. Briony would have gone out with her mood, probably to be by water, by the pool, or the lake, or perhaps she had gone as far as the river. Emily heard a careful tread on the stairs—Cecilia at last taking the flowers up to the guest’s room, a simple errand she had been asked many times that day to perform. Then later, Betty calling to Danny, and the sound of the trap on the gravel62, and Cecilia going down to meet the visitors, and soon, spreading through the gloom, the faintest tang of a cigarette—she had been asked a thousand times not to smoke on the stairs, but she would be wanting to impress Leon’s friend, and that in itself might not be a bad thing. Voices echoing in the hall, Danny struggling up with the luggage, and coming down again, and silence—Cecilia would have taken Leon and Mr. Marshall to the pool to drink the punch that Emily herself had made that morning. She heard the scampering63 of a four-legged creature coming down the stairs—the twins, wanting the pool and about to be disappointed that it had been taken over.
She tumbled away into a doze64, and was woken by the drone of a man’s voice in the nursery, and children answering. Surely not Leon, who would be inseparable from his sister now they were reunited. It would be Mr. Marshall whose room was just along from the nursery, and he was talking to the twins, she decided65, rather than Lola. Emily wondered if they were being impertinent, for each twin seemed to behave as though his social obligations were halved66. Now Betty was coming up the stairs, calling to them as she came, a little too harshly perhaps, given Jackson’s ordeal68 of the morning. Bathtime, teatime, bedtime—the hinge of the day: these childhood sacraments of water, food and sleep had all but vanished from the daily round. Briony’s late and unexpected appearance had kept them alive in the household well into Emily’s forties, and how soothing69, how fixing they had been; the lanolin soap and thick white bath sheet, the girlish prattle70 echoing in the steamy bathroom acoustic71; enfolding her in the towel, trapping her arms and taking her onto her lap for a moment of babyish helplessness that Briony had reveled in not so long ago; but now baby and bathwater had vanished behind a locked door, though that was rare enough, for the girl always looked in need of a wash and a change of clothes. She had vanished into an intact inner world of which the writing was no more than the visible surface, the protective crust which even, or especially, a loving mother could not penetrate54. Her daughter was always off and away in her mind, grappling with some unspoken, self-imposed problem, as though the weary, self-evident world could be reinvented by a child. Useless to ask Briony what she was thinking. There was a time one would have received a bright and intricate response that would in turn have unfolded silly and weighty questions to which Emily gave her best answers; and while the meandering72 hypotheses they indulged were hard to recall in detail now, she knew she never spoke31 so well as she had to her eleven-year-old last-born. No dinner table, no shaded margin73 of a tennis court ever heard her so easily and richly associative. Now the demons74 of self-consciousness and talent had struck her daughter dumb, and though Briony was no less loving—at breakfast she had sidled up and locked fingers with her—Emily mourned the passing of an age of eloquence75. She would never again speak like that to anyone, and this was what it meant to want another child. Soon she would be forty-seven.
The muted thunder of the plumbing—she had not noticed it begin—ceased with a judder that shook the air. Now Hermione’s boys would be in the bathroom, their narrow, bony little bodies at each end of the tub, and the same folded white towels would be on the faded blue wicker chair, and underfoot, the giant cork76 mat with a corner chewed away by a dog long dead; but instead of prattle, dread77 silence, and no mother, only Betty whose kindly78 heart no child would ever discover. How could Hermione have a nervous breakdown—the generally preferred term for her friend who worked in the wireless—how could she choose silence and fear and sorrow in her children? Emily supposed that she herself should be overseeing this bathtime. But she knew that even if the knives were not poised79 above her optic nerve, she would attend to her nephews only out of duty. They were not her own. It was as simple as that. And they were little boys, therefore fundamentally uncommunicative, with no gift for intimacy80, and worse, they had diluted81 their identities, for she had never found this missing triangle of flesh. One could only know them generally.
She eased herself onto an elbow and brought the glass of water to her lips. It was beginning to fade, the presence of her animal tormentor82, and now she was able to arrange two pillows against the headboard in order to sit up. This was a slow and awkward maneuver83 because she was fearful of sudden movement, and thus the creaking of the bedsprings was prolonged, and half obscured the sound of a man’s voice. Propped84 on her side, she froze, with the corner of a pillow clenched85 in one hand, and beamed her raw attention into every recess86 of the house. There was nothing, and then, like a lamp turned on and off in total darkness, there was a little squeal87 of laughter abruptly88 smothered89. Lola then, in the nursery with Marshall. She continued to settle herself, and lay back at last, and sipped90 her lukewarm water. This wealthy young entrepreneur might not be such a bad sort, if he was prepared to pass the time of day entertaining children. Soon she would be able to risk turning on the bedside lamp, and within twenty minutes she might be able to rejoin the household and pursue the various lines of her anxiety. Most urgent was a sortie into the kitchen to discover whether it was not too late to convert the roast into cold cuts and salads, and then she must greet her son and appraise91 his friend and make him welcome. As soon as this was accomplished92, she would satisfy herself that the twins were properly taken care of, and perhaps allow them some sort of compensating93 treat. Then it would be time to make the telephone call to Jack67 who would have forgotten to tell her he was not coming home. She would talk herself past the terse94 woman on the switchboard, and the pompous95 young fellow in the outer office, and she would reassure96 her husband that there was no need to feel guilt97. She would track down Cecilia and make sure that she had arranged the flowers as instructed, and that she should jolly well make an effort for the evening by taking on some of the responsibilities of a hostess and that she wore something pretty and didn’t smoke in every room. And then, most important of all, she should set off in search of Briony because the collapse98 of the play was a terrible blow and the child would need all the comfort a mother could give. Finding her would mean exposure to unadulterated sunlight, and even the diminishing rays of early evening could provoke an attack. The sunglasses would have to be found then, and this, rather than the kitchen, would have to be the priority, because they were somewhere in this room, in a drawer, between a book, in a pocket, and it would be a bother to come upstairs again for them. She should also put on some flat-soled shoes in case Briony had gone all the way to the river . . .
And so Emily lay back against the pillows for another several minutes, her creature having slunk away, and patiently planned, and revised her plans, and refined an order for them. She would soothe35 the household, which seemed to her, from the sickly dimness of the bedroom, like a troubled and sparsely99 populated continent from whose forested vastness competing elements made claims and counterclaims upon her restless attention. She had no illusions: old plans, if one could ever remember them, the plans that time had overtaken, tended to have a febrile and overoptimistic grip on events. She could send her tendrils into every room of the house, but she could not send them into the future. She also knew that, ultimately, it was her own peace of mind she strove for; self-interest and kindness were best not separated. Gently, she pushed herself upright and swung her feet to the floor and wriggled100 them into her slippers101. Rather than risk drawing the curtains just yet, she turned on the reading light, and tentatively began the hunt for her dark glasses. She had already decided where to look first.
1 withdrawn | |
vt.收回;使退出;vi.撤退,退出 | |
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2 drawn | |
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
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3 illuminated | |
adj.被照明的;受启迪的 | |
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4 fabric | |
n.织物,织品,布;构造,结构,组织 | |
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5 inert | |
adj.无活动能力的,惰性的;迟钝的 | |
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6 coordinates | |
n.相配之衣物;坐标( coordinate的名词复数 );(颜色协调的)配套服装;[复数]女套服;同等重要的人(或物)v.使协调,使调和( coordinate的第三人称单数 );协调;协同;成为同等 | |
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7 peripheries | |
n.外围( periphery的名词复数 );边缘;周围 | |
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8 obliterate | |
v.擦去,涂抹,去掉...痕迹,消失,除去 | |
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9 malice | |
n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋 | |
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10 misery | |
n.痛苦,苦恼,苦难;悲惨的境遇,贫苦 | |
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11 boredom | |
n.厌烦,厌倦,乏味,无聊 | |
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12 awareness | |
n.意识,觉悟,懂事,明智 | |
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13 blurred | |
v.(使)变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 );(使)难以区分;模模糊糊;迷离 | |
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14 rigidly | |
adv.刻板地,僵化地 | |
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15 apprehensive | |
adj.担心的,恐惧的,善于领会的 | |
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16 suffocating | |
a.使人窒息的 | |
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17 stifling | |
a.令人窒息的 | |
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18 masonry | |
n.砖土建筑;砖石 | |
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19 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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20 prospects | |
n.希望,前途(恒为复数) | |
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21 pretensions | |
自称( pretension的名词复数 ); 自命不凡; 要求; 权力 | |
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22 solitude | |
n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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23 nostalgia | |
n.怀乡病,留恋过去,怀旧 | |
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24 cozy | |
adj.亲如手足的,密切的,暖和舒服的 | |
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25 jargon | |
n.术语,行话 | |
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26 lark | |
n.云雀,百灵鸟;n.嬉戏,玩笑;vi.嬉戏 | |
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27 posturing | |
做出某种姿势( posture的现在分词 ) | |
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28 immortality | |
n.不死,不朽 | |
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29 blandest | |
adj.(食物)淡而无味的( bland的最高级 );平和的;温和的;无动于衷的 | |
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30 revered | |
v.崇敬,尊崇,敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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32 eldest | |
adj.最年长的,最年老的 | |
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33 disposition | |
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署 | |
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34 soothed | |
v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 );抚慰;使舒服;减轻痛苦 | |
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35 soothe | |
v.安慰;使平静;使减轻;缓和;奉承 | |
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36 precocious | |
adj.早熟的;较早显出的 | |
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37 breakdown | |
n.垮,衰竭;损坏,故障,倒塌 | |
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38 gauged | |
adj.校准的;标准的;量规的;量计的v.(用仪器)测量( gauge的过去式和过去分词 );估计;计量;划分 | |
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39 metallic | |
adj.金属的;金属制的;含金属的;产金属的;像金属的 | |
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40 dissent | |
n./v.不同意,持异议 | |
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41 invalid | |
n.病人,伤残人;adj.有病的,伤残的;无效的 | |
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42 muffled | |
adj.(声音)被隔的;听不太清的;(衣服)裹严的;蒙住的v.压抑,捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 );用厚厚的衣帽包着(自己) | |
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43 rattling | |
adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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44 rehearsals | |
n.练习( rehearsal的名词复数 );排练;复述;重复 | |
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45 disintegrated | |
v.(使)破裂[分裂,粉碎],(使)崩溃( disintegrate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46 tranquil | |
adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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47 triumphant | |
adj.胜利的,成功的;狂欢的,喜悦的 | |
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48 habitual | |
adj.习惯性的;通常的,惯常的 | |
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49 fretting | |
n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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50 distilled | |
adj.由蒸馏得来的v.蒸馏( distil的过去式和过去分词 );从…提取精华 | |
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51 tentacular | |
adj.有触手的 | |
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52 murmur | |
n.低语,低声的怨言;v.低语,低声而言 | |
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53 transcript | |
n.抄本,誊本,副本,肄业证书 | |
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54 penetrate | |
v.透(渗)入;刺入,刺穿;洞察,了解 | |
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55 penetrated | |
adj. 击穿的,鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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56 muffling | |
v.压抑,捂住( muffle的现在分词 );用厚厚的衣帽包着(自己) | |
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57 wireless | |
adj.无线的;n.无线电 | |
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58 unbearable | |
adj.不能容忍的;忍受不住的 | |
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59 amplification | |
n.扩大,发挥 | |
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60 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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61 groaning | |
adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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62 gravel | |
n.砂跞;砂砾层;结石 | |
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63 scampering | |
v.蹦蹦跳跳地跑,惊惶奔跑( scamper的现在分词 ) | |
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64 doze | |
v.打瞌睡;n.打盹,假寐 | |
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65 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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66 halved | |
v.把…分成两半( halve的过去式和过去分词 );把…减半;对分;平摊 | |
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67 jack | |
n.插座,千斤顶,男人;v.抬起,提醒,扛举;n.(Jake)杰克 | |
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68 ordeal | |
n.苦难经历,(尤指对品格、耐力的)严峻考验 | |
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69 soothing | |
adj.慰藉的;使人宽心的;镇静的 | |
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70 prattle | |
n.闲谈;v.(小孩般)天真无邪地说话;发出连续而无意义的声音 | |
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71 acoustic | |
adj.听觉的,声音的;(乐器)原声的 | |
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72 meandering | |
蜿蜒的河流,漫步,聊天 | |
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73 margin | |
n.页边空白;差额;余地,余裕;边,边缘 | |
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74 demons | |
n.恶人( demon的名词复数 );恶魔;精力过人的人;邪念 | |
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75 eloquence | |
n.雄辩;口才,修辞 | |
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76 cork | |
n.软木,软木塞 | |
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77 dread | |
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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78 kindly | |
adj.和蔼的,温和的,爽快的;adv.温和地,亲切地 | |
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79 poised | |
a.摆好姿势不动的 | |
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80 intimacy | |
n.熟悉,亲密,密切关系,亲昵的言行 | |
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81 diluted | |
无力的,冲淡的 | |
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82 tormentor | |
n. 使苦痛之人, 使苦恼之物, 侧幕 =tormenter | |
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83 maneuver | |
n.策略[pl.]演习;v.(巧妙)控制;用策略 | |
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84 propped | |
支撑,支持,维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85 clenched | |
v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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86 recess | |
n.短期休息,壁凹(墙上装架子,柜子等凹处) | |
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87 squeal | |
v.发出长而尖的声音;n.长而尖的声音 | |
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88 abruptly | |
adv.突然地,出其不意地 | |
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89 smothered | |
(使)窒息, (使)透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 ); 覆盖; 忍住; 抑制 | |
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90 sipped | |
v.小口喝,呷,抿( sip的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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91 appraise | |
v.估价,评价,鉴定 | |
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92 accomplished | |
adj.有才艺的;有造诣的;达到了的 | |
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93 compensating | |
补偿,补助,修正 | |
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94 terse | |
adj.(说话,文笔)精炼的,简明的 | |
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95 pompous | |
adj.傲慢的,自大的;夸大的;豪华的 | |
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96 reassure | |
v.使放心,使消除疑虑 | |
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97 guilt | |
n.犯罪;内疚;过失,罪责 | |
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98 collapse | |
vi.累倒;昏倒;倒塌;塌陷 | |
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99 sparsely | |
adv.稀疏地;稀少地;不足地;贫乏地 | |
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100 wriggled | |
v.扭动,蠕动,蜿蜒行进( wriggle的过去式和过去分词 );(使身体某一部位)扭动;耍滑不做,逃避(应做的事等) | |
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101 slippers | |
n. 拖鞋 | |
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