Chapter 15

JESS

 

I launched¹ in. I just went, My name's Jess and I'm eighteen years old and, see, I'm here because I had some family problems that I don't need to go into. And then I split² up with this guy. Chas. And he owes me an explanation. Because he didn't say anything. He just went. But if he gave me an explanation I'd feel better, I think, because he broke my heart. Except I can't find him. I was at the party downstairs looking for him, and he wasn't there. So I came up here.

And Martin goes, all sarcastic³, You're going to kill yourself because Chas didn't turn up at a party? Jesus.

Well, I never said that, and I told him. So then he was like, OK, you're up here because you're owed an explanation, then. Is that it?

He was trying to make me sound stupid, and that wasn't fair, because we could all do that to each other. Like, for example, say, Oh, boo hoo hoo, they won't let me be on breakfast television any more. Oh, boo hoo hoo, my son's a vegetable and I don't talk to anyone and I have to clean up his… Well, OK, you couldn't make Maureen sound stupid. But it seemed to me that taking the piss wasn't on. You could have taken the piss out of all four of us; you can take the piss out of anyone who's unhappy, if you're cruel enough.

So I go, That wasn't what I said either. I said an explanation might stop me. I didn't say it was why I was up here in the first place, did I? See, we could handcuff you to those railings, and that would stop you. But you're not up here because no one's handcuffed you to railings, are you?

That shut him up. I was pleased with that.

JJ was nicer. He could see that I wanted to find Chas, so I was like, Duh, yeah, except I wished I hadn't done the Duh bit because he was being sympathetic⁴ and Duh is taking the piss, really, isn't it? But he ignored the Duh and he asked me where Chas was and I said I didn't know, some party or another, and he said, Well, why don't you go looking for him instead of fucking around up here and I said I'd run out of energy and hope and when I said that I knew it was true.

I don't know you. The only thing I know about you is, you're reading this. I don't know whether you're happy or not; I don't know whether you're young or not. I sort of hope you're young and sad. If you're old and happy, I can imagine that you'll maybe smile to yourself when you hear me going, He broke my heart. You'll remember someone who broke your heart, and you'll think to yourself, Oh, yes, I can remember how that feels. But you can't, you smug old git. Oh, you might remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the Embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching⁵ you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again? Can you remember carving⁶ his initials⁷ in your arm with a kitchen knife? Can you remember standing⁸ too close to the edge of an Underground platform? No? Well, fucking shut up then. Stick your smile up your saggy⁹ old arse.

1 launched   

v.发射( launch的过去式和过去分词 )；[计算机]开始（应用程序）；发动；开展（活动、计划等）

参考例句：

• He launched a bitter diatribe against the younger generation. 他对年轻一代发起了猛烈的抨击。
• The product was launched amid much fanfare worldwide. 这个产品在世界各地隆重推出。

2 split   

n.劈开，裂片，裂口；adj.分散的；v.分离，分开，劈开

参考例句：

• Who told you that Mary and I had split up?谁告诉你玛丽和我已经离婚了？
• The teacher split the class up into six groups.老师把班级分成6个小组。

3 sarcastic   

adj.讥讽的，讽刺的，嘲弄的

参考例句：

• I squashed him with a sarcastic remark.我说了一句讽刺的话把他给镇住了。
• She poked fun at people's shortcomings with sarcastic remarks.她冷嘲热讽地拿别人的缺点开玩笑。

4 sympathetic   

adj.有同情心的；表示好感或赞同的

参考例句：

• He is a sympathetic person.他是一个有同情心的人。
• They were quite sympathetic to our proposals.他们很赞同我们的建议。

5 touching   

adj.动人的，使人感伤的

参考例句：

• It was a touching sight.这是一幅动人的景象。
• His letter was touching.他的信很感人。

6 carving   

n.雕刻品，雕花

参考例句：

• All the furniture in the room had much carving.房间里所有的家具上都有许多雕刻。
• He acquired the craft of wood carving in his native town.他在老家学会了木雕手艺。

7 initials   

n.首字母，姓名

参考例句：

• a glass tankard with his initials etched on it 刻有他姓名首字母的玻璃大酒杯
• All the towels were personalized with their initials. 所有毛巾上都标有物主姓名的首字母。

8 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

9 saggy   

松懈的，下垂的

参考例句：

• Daisy: Would you still love me if I were old and saggy? 当我的皮肤变得又老又松弛时，你还会爱我吗？
• My darling, if my breasts were saggy, would you still love me? 这是女人最担心的一个问题。