IF, reader, you be an honest man, and in any way acquainted with the pranks1 of politicians in these our times, you will not pour forth2 a lamentation3 over what I have written; for I take it you will see that I have broken the filthy4 clods only, to get at the real truth. But if you be a politician, thief, or housebreaker-in fine, if you belong to any of these twin professions, the members of which find it convenient to extinguish the light of their own history, and take no delight in truths which concern themselves, then I may expect to be visited with your eternal enmity. Sweeten, then, your breath; and if you would send me to that place I have firmly resolved never to go to, pray call to your aid such papers as the New York Tribune and Evangelist, for they are both clever at sending all who differ from them to the devil, without even the aid of clergy5. And as those sent to the devil by this medium have only the Editor of the Herald6 for mourner, just imagine that gentleman in tears, and chide7 me no more, for I must see to the major.
The critical condition in which I left the major renders it imperative8 that I should return to him without further delay. And I must here say, then, in restoring him to consciousness, that much ice water was used, a portion of his hair and beard was shaved off, and sundry9 aromatic10 liquids applied11 to counteract12 an odor that was by no means delightful13 to the senses. And when he had recovered sufficiently14 to sit up, his eyes were fixed15 confusedly upon those about him; then his hands wandered to his haunches, and he heaved a deep sigh. "Pray tell me, gentlemen, (for I seem to have just come out of a trance,) what has befallen me? Pray tell me, gentlemen, that I may offer you such an apology as becomes my position, for I am in a condition no man need envy. And to lose a hard earned reputation so easily is no trifling17 thing." The commodore was struggling to suppress his laughter, which had been excited by the forlornness of the figure before him. He however begged the major to be composed. As to losing his reputation by so trifling an accident, he enjoined18 him not to think of it, since history afforded numerous instances of great heroes who had met with similar ones. In truth, it was just such an accident, taking place on the commencement of a great battle, that saved General Cushing from the bullets of the enemy, and his life to the country! And this timely accident I record here for the benefit of that admiring generation which is yet to come, and which might be deceived by that worthy19 historian, the author of "The Mexican War," who recorded with so much faithfulness all his gallant20 deeds, and hanged himself when he had finished. Hearing this, he at once took heart, and declaring that it was all owing to a derangement21 of the stomach, said, that although it was the first time in his life that he had ever met with such an accident, he had not the slightest doubt of its influence for good, since a man's virtues22 lay in his power to bear up under such trials.
They were now nearing the city, and the "Two Marys" having been left far astern, the squadron put about, preparatory to setting the major on board his own ship, which was done without the firing of a gun, and with as much caution as if they had been handling eggs of a venerable age. It must however be said for the credit of the military profession, that the major never relaxed one iota23 of his gallantry, and left the yacht with many kind remembrances for the ladies, especially Miss Flora24, whose beauty he declared he had never seen excelled, though he had read all Mrs. Southworth's novels by candle light. It ought also to be mentioned that one of the officers, seeing his necessities, and being a man of a philanthropic turn, gave him a pair of breeches, with a stripe down the side. And with these the major consoled himself that he had at least parted friends with the Yacht Club, and that, after all, there was no great loss without some small gain.
The squadron executed a maneuver25, fired two guns, and parted company with the "Two Marys," as, with seven days' news from Barnstable, she neared Peck Slip, and made fast to a wharf26, on which was assembled a very dejected looking throng27 of people. Those fortunate enough to have hats took them off, and began cheering in the wildest manner, whilst the more respectable, whose raiment was of an exceedingly damp description, and had been used at night for beds, took to using their hands upon the heads of their neighbors. Here and there a philosophical28 policeman was seen, with his hands in his pockets. "Heavens!" said I to myself, "instead of being on the road to fame, we have fallen among vagabonds, who will plunder29 us!" But I was relieved of my fears by being informed that they were all honest voters, who, though they had not a shirt to their backs, took righteous good care of the city's affairs.
When it became known that the major and myself were really on board, there was a great firing of guns, and such other demonstrations30 of welcome as made the major glad at heart; for he had changed his nether31 garments, and was now sure the news of what had so recently befallen him had not reached New York. There now came on board four flabby men, dreamy of countenance32, and whose dilapidated garments bespoke33 them persons of menial occupations. But as neither St. Paul, nor Alexander the Great, nor Henry Ward35 Beecher, (who, I take it, is as great a man as either of them, and will leave more portraits of himself than both,) never dressed according to their "circumstances," so these four flabby men, the major thought, must not be judged by the condition of their raiment, for it was nothing new to see great men shabbily dressed.
The shortest of the four flabby men, an oily sort of shabby gentleman, who was blind of an eye, and had very disordered red hair, and a bruise36 on the end of a very red nose, which looked like a birch knot growing upon a redder face, now came jauntily37 forward, and having doffed38 a much damaged hat, that sat on the side of his head with a challenging air, and approaching the major, who had arranged his uniform to the best advantage, spoke34 as follows: "Long life t'yer 'onor, for me name's Dinnis Finnigan, born on the banks of Lough Neagh, near Kerry; but for all that, as I says to myself, Dinnis yer jist as good an American as iver drew first breath on the soil. And now, seein' it's yersel, Major Potter"--
"Commonly called Major Roger Potter," interrupted the major, with a bow. "And since I see you seek me, I may say I'm the person. I make no doubt you have heard of me. I need not say how glad I am to see you, for that will be told you by my private secretary." Here the major turned round and cast a glance at me.
"The same man that wouldn't hear of the likes o' ye, major, would'nt be much of a politician. Ye'r as wilcom as the flowers of May, jist," resumed Mr. Dinnis Finnigan, who now disclosed the singular fact that, (Mr. Finnigan was a reformed member of the "Dead Rabbit Club,") he now formed one of the Board of Common Council, where no man could vote better on a question of money. Mr. Finnigan was evidently not dead to the importance of his office, for he promised no end of things in honor of the major, to the carrying out of which he pledged the city, and would with equal sincerity39 (for his mind was in a condition to make cities appear very small) have pledged the whole Union.
The major had for some moments been fixing his eyes upon Mr. Finnigan with a scrutinizing40 stare. Suddenly his face became flushed, his eye quickened its glare, and he stammered41 out, "I know what belongs to good manners, and though you may be a councilman, Mr. Finnigan, my eyes, and they are good ones, tell me I have seen you before."
"Faith, an' that same's not unlikely," interposed the moist councilman.
"Aye, and when you went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, and followed an occupation that cost me all my money."
Here Mr. Finnigan quickly interrupted by saying that as they had both attained42 to the position of gentlemen, it were best to adopt Bishop43 Hughes' motto, and let bye gones be bye gones. In truth the major recognized in Councilman Finnigan, the honest Quaker, Greeley Hanniford, who, with General Fopp, of "Pleasant-side Row," had managed to relieve him of all his money during his first adventure in New York.
"But although he neither acted justly nor honorably towards me, our conditions have changed, and it does not become my high position to rake this thing up now, so let's hope he is come an honest man, and a good politician!" thought the major, extending his hand to the moist councilman, who was not a little troubled at the old reminiscence.
"And my motto is, major, let them what's dead, stay dead! But since its not mysel is to spake the addriss, but Dan Dooley, who, by the Virgin44, is an alderman, a gintleman, and the friend of Father Fogarty-"
Seeing there was an old score to be wiped out between Mr. Councilman Finnigan and the major, Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, who was the tallest of the four flabby men, and a whiskey visaged gentleman of ponderous45 parts, now came fussily46 forward, and after exchanging many bows and compliments with the major, saying how extremely glad he was to welcome him to the city, introduced him to his son in law, Councilman Dennis Blennerhasset, a frisky47 little man, with a cocked up nose, and an expression of countenance in which no man with half an eye could fail to read in what land he drew his first breath, if, indeed, the rich brogue with which he returned the major's salutation had not already revealed it. Having, long since, resolved not to have my veracity49 as a historian impeached50, I must not forget to state here, (and I warn every pugnacious51 critic to be careful how he points his lance at me,) that Alderman Dennis Dooley, although the firm friend of Father Fogarty, was said to be the ablest editor on the Evening Express, which for its profundity52 of logic53, and purity of style, was truly a marvel54 in journalism55. As for Councilman Blennerhasset, no man could bring aught against his capacity for mixing compounds of deleterious liquors, which he sold to the decaying humanity of his district; and, being what was considered a modest man, the notion came into his head that he was born for the high office of Councilman the very day he married the daughter of Alderman Dooley. Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset spoke of himself as we the common council, we the elected to do you honor on this great occasion; we the representatives of this great and glorious metropolis56. Having accommodated the we a sufficient number of times to satisfy us that he had the whole city nicely tucked away in the pocket of his shabby coat, he turned round to introduce Alderman Barney O'Toole, who, as a man and a gentleman, could do more off hand fighting than any other man in the board, and was the fourth of the flabby men. But that distinguished57 politician and gentleman, who had been seven times sentenced for smashing the skulls58 of his adversaries59, was not at hand, having, while Mr. Blennerhasset was thickening the compliments, winked60 me down into the cabin, where he drew from his pocket a luminous61 bottle of old Bourbon whiskey, and in the most friendly manner offered to pledge me in numerous glasses.
Just at this moment, a dozen or so of wan16 faced reporters, in massive beards and black hats, pressed eagerly through the crowd, and went to work like beavers62 dotting down all that was said, and a little more. Then commenced the address by Alderman Dan Dooley, whose breath was redolent of anything but the balm of a thousand flowers, and who delivered his speech with an unctuous63 self satisfaction, and in a style of rhetoric64 totally unknown to Pericles, and never thought of by Demosthenes. The address was carefully worded, so as to make the major a greater statesman than had been known in any previous age, which is a fashion at this day; and if I be not much mistaken, this speech was written by that witty65 scribbler of the "Times" newspaper, who gets up speeches for heroes at five minutes' notice, and then, having pocketed the money, laughs in his sleeve at the men he has made fools.
As addresses of the nearest possible resemblance to that delivered on this occasion by Alderman Dan Dooley, may be found almost any day in the morning papers, I hold it good economy not to occupy my valuable space in recording66 it here. Nor, indeed, will it be necessary to insert the major's reply, since it was very similar to that made by him to the Commodore of the Yacht Club, and may also be found in all the newspapers. And now, when these ceremonies were over, the major bethought him of his horse and pig, the former of which he found surrounded by a swarm67 of unruly boys, whom the strange figure he cut, with the holsters and saddlebags mounted, afforded much amusement. The latter was quietly lying down in his cage, but came forward to render homage68 as soon as he heard the major's voice. I should mention that the major always aimed to be up to the fashion of the times, and learning from Councilman Blennerhasset that demonstrations of a more public character had recently been declined by one or two very distinguished politicians, he made up his mind not to be a whit69 behind any of them, (for the reason of which the reader may discover by conjecture,) and therefore positively70 declined all public demonstrations, notwithstanding the Splinters' Guard was soon on the spot, ready to do him escort duty. He, however, retired72 into the cabin, where, (I say it without envy, for I love a brave soldier,) he took a quiet glass of whiskey and a sandwich with the very honorable "committee of reception." And this being duly noted73 by the reporters, (one of whom was seen purloining74 a sandwich or two,) the major gave directions about the care of his pig, ordered his saddlebags upon old Battle, who was weak enough in the extremities75, and proceeded to the wharf amidst the deafening76 acclamations of a hundred ragged77 urchins78, who, notwithstanding the distress79 of the animal, would have mounted and rode away, but for the kindly80 interposition of two policemen.
There was standing71 on the wharf a somewhat dilapidated carriage, to which four lean gray horses, such as are used for drawing all great heroes through the city, were harnessed, and presented so forlorn a figure that one might easily have imagined them employed by the devil to convey to his dominions81 that shabby class of sinners consigned82 to him on Sunday evenings by the Rev48. Henry Ward Beecher. Into this the distinguished representatives of the great metropolis insisted upon getting the major, that he might be conveyed to the apartments secured for him at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, in a manner becoming so great a politician. But as the major was not quite sure whether his reputation would be best preserved by sticking to the politician, or by dropping the politician, and sticking to his laurels83 as a military man, he shook his head and hesitated for some time. He was half inclined to dub84 himself the warrior85; and as warriors86 always appeared best on horseback, he was, to the great delight of the throng, about to mount his faithful animal, assign me his seat in the hero-trap, and follow at a respectful distance. But he bethought himself that both were noble professions; and, surely, to emulate87 in both must be a prominent desire with all great men. After holding a consultation88 with me, he said he always remembered the motto: "Great is the man who humbles89 himself." Being satisfied then that it would not lessen90 his dignity, nor, indeed, in any way detract from the character of a military politician, who had need enough to look to his laurels, he agreed that Alderman Dan Dooley should ride old Battle. And with this resolve he at once repaired to the carriage, in which he took a seat with the three gentlemen of the committee, leaving me to pick my way as best I could, and drove away for the hotel, (followed at a respectful distance by the loquacious91 alderman, thus comically mounted,) with this strange string of cattle. And this wonderful cortége was followed by scores of hooting92 and ragged urchins, who switched old Battle's gambrels, and annoyed him in so many ways, that the alderman at length lost his temper, and was several times forced to dismount and beat back the harassing93 enemy with stones and such other weapons as he could lay his hands on.
And now, gentle reader, fearing I may weary you with this long train of nonsense, which, however, I have endeavored to make conform to the follies94 of the day, I will close this chapter, and for what took place at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, refer you to the next.
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pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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lamentation
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| n.悲叹，哀悼 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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clergy
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| n.[总称]牧师，神职人员 | |
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herald
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| vt.预示...的来临，预告，宣布，欢迎 | |
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chide
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| v.叱责；谴责 | |
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imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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sundry
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| adj.各式各样的，种种的 | |
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aromatic
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| adj.芳香的，有香味的 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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counteract
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| vt.对…起反作用，对抗，抵消 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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wan
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| (wide area network)广域网 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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derangement
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| n.精神错乱 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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iota
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| n.些微，一点儿 | |
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flora
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| n.(某一地区的)植物群 | |
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maneuver
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| n.策略[pl.]演习；v.(巧妙)控制；用策略 | |
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wharf
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| n.码头，停泊处 | |
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throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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philosophical
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| adj.哲学家的，哲学上的，达观的 | |
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plunder
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| vt.劫掠财物，掠夺；n.劫掠物，赃物；劫掠 | |
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demonstrations
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| 证明( demonstration的名词复数 )； 表明； 表达； 游行示威 | |
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nether
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| adj.下部的，下面的；n.阴间；下层社会 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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bespoke
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| adj.（产品）订做的；专做订货的v.预定( bespeak的过去式 )；订（货）；证明；预先请求 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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bruise
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| n.青肿，挫伤；伤痕；vt.打青；挫伤 | |
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jauntily
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| adv.心满意足地；洋洋得意地；高兴地；活泼地 | |
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doffed
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| v.脱去，（尤指）脱帽( doff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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scrutinizing
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| v.仔细检查，详审( scrutinize的现在分词 ) | |
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stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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ponderous
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| adj.沉重的，笨重的，(文章)冗长的 | |
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fussily
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| adv.无事空扰地，大惊小怪地，小题大做地 | |
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frisky
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| adj.活泼的，欢闹的；n.活泼，闹着玩；adv.活泼地，闹着玩地 | |
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rev
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| v.发动机旋转，加快速度 | |
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veracity
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| n.诚实 | |
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impeached
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| v.控告（某人）犯罪( impeach的过去式和过去分词 )；弹劾；对（某事物）怀疑；提出异议 | |
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pugnacious
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| adj.好斗的 | |
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profundity
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| n.渊博；深奥，深刻 | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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journalism
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| n.新闻工作，报业 | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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skulls
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| 颅骨( skull的名词复数 )； 脑袋； 脑子； 脑瓜 | |
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adversaries
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| n.对手，敌手( adversary的名词复数 ) | |
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winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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beavers
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| 海狸( beaver的名词复数 )； 海狸皮毛； 棕灰色； 拼命工作的人 | |
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unctuous
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| adj.油腔滑调的，大胆的 | |
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rhetoric
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| n.修辞学，浮夸之言语 | |
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witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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swarm
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| n.(昆虫)等一大群；vi.成群飞舞；蜂拥而入 | |
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homage
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| n.尊敬，敬意，崇敬 | |
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whit
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| n.一点，丝毫 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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74
purloining
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| v.偷窃( purloin的现在分词 ) | |
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extremities
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| n.端点( extremity的名词复数 )；尽头；手和足；极窘迫的境地 | |
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76
deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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ragged
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| adj.衣衫褴褛的，粗糙的，刺耳的 | |
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78
urchins
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| n.顽童( urchin的名词复数 )；淘气鬼；猬；海胆 | |
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79
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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81
dominions
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| 统治权( dominion的名词复数 )； 领土； 疆土； 版图 | |
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82
consigned
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| v.把…置于（令人不快的境地）( consign的过去式和过去分词 )；把…托付给；把…托人代售；丟弃 | |
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83
laurels
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| n.桂冠，荣誉 | |
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84
dub
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| vt.（以某种称号）授予，给...起绰号，复制 | |
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warrior
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| n.勇士，武士，斗士 | |
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86
warriors
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| 武士，勇士，战士( warrior的名词复数 ) | |
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87
emulate
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| v.努力赶上或超越，与…竞争；效仿 | |
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consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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humbles
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| v.使谦恭( humble的第三人称单数 )；轻松打败（尤指强大的对手）；低声下气 | |
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lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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loquacious
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| adj.多嘴的，饶舌的 | |
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hooting
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| （使）作汽笛声响，作汽车喇叭声( hoot的现在分词 )； 倒好儿； 倒彩 | |
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harassing
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| v.侵扰，骚扰( harass的现在分词 )；不断攻击（敌人） | |
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follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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