THE major concluded his narrative1, but forgot to mention, that when he returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-a change he considered due to discretion2, for the villagers were extremely inquisitive3, and might inquire by what process he was made a general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was it brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlord of the Astor.
The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring to bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, the conversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major swore he would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intended soon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so cultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to take the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversy4 concerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, as neither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the charge be ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated7 himself the greatest living critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute8 his studies with every advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward for public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being well paid, would consider himself in duty bound to write divers9 panegyrics10 in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as the major, though, perhaps, not so great a knave11, persisted that such a course of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail to prove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable only because they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account. As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to such tricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerous publishers, who held him in high esteem12 as a critic, thought it no harm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of very sentimental13 school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place so gifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic as Easley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners.
He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him into numerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him to contemplate6 giving it up, though he well knew the public appetite for such things had not lessened14 a whit15. And though the state of his affairs were somewhat chronic16, he thought, if he could get another first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that would make his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of getting up a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the public would all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but that he feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though he had made them a mermaid17, and a wooly18 horse, they still complained of his skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested him for President of the United States.
I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and the major, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at ten dollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, and be open to further negotiations19, according to the degree of favor then established between the animal and the public. And, as an evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the first wonderful feat20 he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting in state and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sense would say he had not talent enough for the office.
When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given an order for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of the loquacious21 showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an air of much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makes it not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attached to him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well to his behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian22 gentleman as any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up in the care of the clergy23, and can cut pranks24 enough if you let him have his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he had no love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle25 with. Another favor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership, lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who would make much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician. There is, also," he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or two outstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient26."
No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than three distinguished27 generals entered, saying they had come to pay their respects to a fellow in arms, whom it was the pleasure of the city to honor. Each approached him with great gravity of manner, and, after shaking him warmly by the hand, presented him with sundry28 congratulations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. To which the major replied, thanking heaven that with clean hands and various gifts of the head, he had served his country like a man; and, as his mission was not yet filled, he hoped (if the devil interposed no obstacles) yet to render his country a service such as historians would write of. He now bade them be seated, and ordered an abundance of good wine, of which they partook without objection, and were soon as merry a set of fellows as ever bivouacked; for in truth they readily discovered the mental deficiencies of the major, and, to make up for the deception30 of which they were made victims by the newspapers, resolved to enjoy the diversion afforded them by the quaintness31 of the major, who, though he had never put foot in Mexico, at once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, and what service they had seen in that country. The spokesman of the party, whose bearing bespoke33 him a man acquainted with arms, and who was as great a wag as Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by saying that they were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Resaca de la Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista34. And not to say too much of their bravery, he might mention that they were within smell of the gunpowder35 that stormed the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they were in so many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it was impossible to remember them all.
"Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me," interrupted the major, "for I was in so many, that if I had the memory of a Sampson I could not keep them all at my tongue's end, though I remember well enough what a buffeting36 we got at the storming of San Juan de Ulloa. As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here nor there; and whether it was the first or second will not be set down against a man when he is dead. But if you will have proof that I also was in the hottest of it, pray let your eyes not deceive you." Here the major gave his head a significant toss, and waddled37 across the floor to his wardrobe, from which he exultingly38 drew forth39 his military coat and three cornered hat. The former was indeed an ancient fabric40, with which divers and sundry moths41 had made sad havoc42, though he held it before the light and swore, by not less than three saints, the holes were all made by bullets. If either had doubted this evidence of his valor43, he was ready to strip to the buff, and satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they all declared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient proof of his valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape as he doffed45 his coat, in earnest of his sincerity46, was by no means pleasant, and consequently hastened a favorable decision.
The major was more than ever elated that the affair should have taken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill their glasses, which they were glad enough to do, with renewals47 at such short intervals48 that the major, who was not to be outdone in number of glasses, providing his patriotism49 was pledged in them, found himself in a state of mental configuration50, for he saw ghosts and dead warriors51 by the dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of law, were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered52 about the room like a madman, feeling at his side for his sword, and swearing, by his military reputation, that he would think no more of killing53 them than he would so many Washington lobby agents.
Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the name of Benthornham, who, with the exception that he was less pumpkin54 bellied55 than the major, one might have supposed cast in the same mould, for he was squint56 eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shape very like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the major in tipping his glass; and though there was a review on the following day, to which they had invited the major, out of sheer respect to his fame, there was sufficient cause to apprehend57 that this General Benthornham, (officer of the day though he was,) would not be sober enough to appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicholas, one of the party suggested, that in order to pay becoming honor to so distinguished a major, they invite him to General Benthornham's room. And as the major never refused an invitation, especially when it came from persons distinguished in the profession in which he claimed to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, and proceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and champagne58, in great abundance, were provided, and to which the major took with such renewed avidity, that they began to think his bowels59 vulcanized.
After they had plied29 him sufficiently60 with liquor, they insisted that he relate some of the wonderful exploits he had performed in war and politics, which he did, and with such an appearance of truth, that the two who had not so far drenched61 their senses with liquor as to be incapable62 of judging, whispered to themselves that he was not so much of a fool after all; in fact, that there was so much truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being a real and not a sham5 hero of the Mexican War. "It does not become me to speak of myself, gentlemen," said the major, in conclusion, "but if there was a war in Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling a war; and as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in a month, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring of the people of Barnstable, who used to praise them enough, God knows."
It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, undecided as to the major's mental qualities, and left him with General Benthornham, whom he found no difficulty in soon talking into a profound sleep. And this the major, who was not so far gone as to forget what belonged to good manners, regarded as an indignity63 no really great military man could suffer to pass unresented. He thereupon mounted his three cornered hat and stalked out of the room, in the hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. But such was the labyrinth64 of passages, that he lost his way, and mistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, which was natural enough considering the state of his optics. And though it was an hour when every honest husband should be dividing his bed with his better half, and all suspicions set at rest with the lock on the door fast secured, the major found no difficulty in entering this room, which he did with as little ceremony as he would drive his tin wagon65. But no sooner had he begun to doff44 his wardrobe, than a figure quite resembling a ghost, with a pale, round face, and two eyes of great luster66, flamed in the crimped border of a very white nightcap, rose up in the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said, "Charles, my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but just home. O, Charles!"
"Please, my good woman," spoke32 the major, pausing, and looking surprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you might find better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family, and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you will just take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have every one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of these tricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character."
The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and reechoed along the passages, and brought not only the watchmen of the house, but a dozen or more boarders, all in their night dresses, and nearly frightened out of their wits, to the scene of distress67. Several courageous68 ladies, with threatening gestures, ventured to say he ought to be well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow!) for attempting such liberties at that hour. Others said military men were all alike.
"Hi! hi! what's here to do?" exclaimed the head watchman, a burly fellow of forty, as he made his way through a barricade69 of night gowns. "Come, sir, you must take yourself away from here. You have insulted the lady; have intruded70 yourself where you have no right; and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will cut you to bits." ("He is a Georgian, and would rather have his wife dead than another man make free with her," whispered a bystander, as the watchman admonished71 the major by taking him by the arm.)
The major, however, stood with his nether72 garments in his hands, like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes blinked in the bright gas light, which one of the courageous females had ignited: "I would have you know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am a man who would share his meal any day with a lone73 female. And if you will give me peace by taking this lady away, I will forgive her, and beseech74 heaven to do the same. I may tell you that I am Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say this not of myself, for I take it you know me well enough."
The distressed75 female now stood erect76 in her night robes, screeching77 at the top of her voice, for she believed a madman had entered her room, and went straight into a fit of hysterics, while the watchman and numerous of the female bystanders gathered around the major, and would have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who suddenly made his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, and commenced reading them a lesson on the qualities of mercy.
But while the parson and one of the bystanders were offering all sorts of apologies for the major, which were having their effect on the females, who, on discovering the nature of the accident, enjoyed the joke exceedingly, the husband of the lady, being informed of what had occurred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant's haunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and without waiting for an explanation, set upon the major with the fury of a goaded78 tiger, and when he had belabored79 him with a cudgel until they all declared there was not life enough in him to last till day light, drew a knife, and had despatched him on the spot, but for General Benthornham, who, being called upon to quell80 the outbreak, had armed himself with his sword, and came toddling81 into the room in his shirt and night cap, his soppy face and red nose made scarlet82 with excitement, and presenting so sorry a figure that the courageous females scampered83 away to their rooms, and covered their blushes with the sheets.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the general, resting the point of his sword on the floor, "what's here to do?" In another moment he advanced between the contestants84, and with his sword struck the knife from the uplifted hand of the Georgian, and commanded him to spare the life at his mercy. "Pray, sir," said he, "don't forget to be merciful, for he is a military gentleman of distinction, and I am sure it was an accident you will readily forgive when it is explained." The Georgian replied, that it had become a fashion with military men to carry their gallantry a little too far with females, and rather than regret the trouncing he had given the major, he hoped the example would have its effect.
The landlord now made his appearance, and seeing the city's guest in such a plight85, inquired into the cause, but could get no satisfactory account of it; and being scrupulous86 of the reputation of his house, he enjoined87 them to keep the affair as quiet as possible, lest it get to the ear of the editors, who would take great pride in using it to his damage. He then closed the door and endeavored to raise the major to his feet, but he was so like a dead man, and had lost so much good red blood, that the landlord became seriously alarmed, and had a doctor, who boarded in his house, at once called in. The doctor, when he had felt his pulse and ribs88 for some time, said the case was a little doubtful, but he had skill enough to mend it. Indeed, to tell the truth, it only required a plaster or two, and a purgative89, to restore him to perfect health. When the major had gained the use of his tongue, however, he declared he had at least seven broken ribs, and he knew not how many cracks in his skull90, for it felt like a fractured cocoanut.
And while the doctor was administering his balms to the patient, the Georgian was endeavoring to pacify91 his wife, who, with the aid of hartshorn and sundry other restoratives, was in a fair way of recovery. General Benthornham, in the meantime, continued to pace the room, so much absorbed in his endeavor to preserve the peace of the house, as to be unconscious of the figure he was cutting.
"And now, gentlemen," said the general, in a foggy voice, "as the lady has received no damage, either to her reputation or person, and you are both gentlemen, I think the little affair can be reconciled, if the major will but explain the mistake with as much delicacy92 as he is capable of."
"Indeed," replied the major, "I am sure the gentleman will be satisfied that I meant no wrong to his lady, who I thought had got into my room instead of my getting into her's, by mistake as it turns out, when I tell him how it happened. The people where I was raised know me for a peaceable man; and now that I have become a politician, it behooves93 me to take care of what little character I have, which is not the case with all of them. And God knows I treated the lady with courtesy; for, rather than prove unfaithful to my wife Polly, I bid her take herself away." The major said this in such a tone of humility94, that although it left the matter more confounded in the Georgian's mind, it so affected95 his feelings that he began to regret having dealt so severely96 with him, and earnestly desired to know the origin of the affair, which the major at once related with great simplicity97 of manner, and finally, laid all the blame to the strength of the liquor he had indulged in during the evening. General Benthornham had, in the meantime, taken a seat where the bright glare of the gas shone full upon his face, and as the major proceeded with his narrative, would every now and then interpose an approving, "See that now!"
When the major had finished his story, the lady was affected to tears, and besought98 her husband to make the gentleman such amends99 as the case demanded. But, indeed, that was unnecessary, for the Georgian had become so affected that he would have gone upon his knees and offered the major any apology he might in reason demand. But the lady sprang to her feet, and saying she would dress the injured man's wounds with her own hands, proceeded to her beaureau and with her cologne bottle and sponge set about bathing his temples, and performing such other little kindnesses as pleased the major wonderfully, and made him declare he believed it the fate of every truly great public man to suffer in this way. In truth, he was not so sure that we appreciated it to the extent of its value, for it disciplined a man and prepared his mind for meeting the great things that were required of it in this world. "I have no fears of my reputation, madam," he concluded, "but being the guest of the city, I fear if my enemies see the bruised100 condition of my head, they will say I have had a difficulty with an alderman." While they were each trying to emulate101 the other in consoling the major in his distress, the lady, who had just then discovered the singular plight General Benthornham was in, caught sight of his bare extremities102, which so affected her that she shrieked103, and swooned in the arms of her husband.
1 narrative | |
n.叙述,故事;adj.叙事的,故事体的 | |
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2 discretion | |
n.谨慎;随意处理 | |
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3 inquisitive | |
adj.求知欲强的,好奇的,好寻根究底的 | |
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4 controversy | |
n.争论,辩论,争吵 | |
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5 sham | |
n./adj.假冒(的),虚伪(的) | |
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6 contemplate | |
vt.盘算,计议;周密考虑;注视,凝视 | |
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7 contemplated | |
adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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8 prosecute | |
vt.告发;进行;vi.告发,起诉,作检察官 | |
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9 divers | |
adj.不同的;种种的 | |
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10 panegyrics | |
n.赞美( panegyric的名词复数 );称颂;颂词;颂扬的演讲或文章 | |
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11 knave | |
n.流氓;(纸牌中的)杰克 | |
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12 esteem | |
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作 | |
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13 sentimental | |
adj.多愁善感的,感伤的 | |
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14 lessened | |
减少的,减弱的 | |
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15 whit | |
n.一点,丝毫 | |
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16 chronic | |
adj.(疾病)长期未愈的,慢性的;极坏的 | |
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17 mermaid | |
n.美人鱼 | |
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18 wooly | |
adj.毛茸茸的;糊涂的 | |
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19 negotiations | |
协商( negotiation的名词复数 ); 谈判; 完成(难事); 通过 | |
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20 feat | |
n.功绩;武艺,技艺;adj.灵巧的,漂亮的,合适的 | |
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21 loquacious | |
adj.多嘴的,饶舌的 | |
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22 Christian | |
adj.基督教徒的;n.基督教徒 | |
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23 clergy | |
n.[总称]牧师,神职人员 | |
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24 pranks | |
n.玩笑,恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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25 meddle | |
v.干预,干涉,插手 | |
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26 inconvenient | |
adj.不方便的,令人感到麻烦的 | |
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27 distinguished | |
adj.卓越的,杰出的,著名的 | |
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28 sundry | |
adj.各式各样的,种种的 | |
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29 plied | |
v.使用(工具)( ply的过去式和过去分词 );经常供应(食物、饮料);固定往来;经营生意 | |
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30 deception | |
n.欺骗,欺诈;骗局,诡计 | |
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31 quaintness | |
n.离奇有趣,古怪的事物 | |
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32 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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33 bespoke | |
adj.(产品)订做的;专做订货的v.预定( bespeak的过去式 );订(货);证明;预先请求 | |
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34 vista | |
n.远景,深景,展望,回想 | |
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35 gunpowder | |
n.火药 | |
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36 buffeting | |
振动 | |
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37 waddled | |
v.(像鸭子一样)摇摇摆摆地走( waddle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38 exultingly | |
兴高采烈地,得意地 | |
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39 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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40 fabric | |
n.织物,织品,布;构造,结构,组织 | |
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41 moths | |
n.蛾( moth的名词复数 ) | |
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42 havoc | |
n.大破坏,浩劫,大混乱,大杂乱 | |
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43 valor | |
n.勇气,英勇 | |
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44 doff | |
v.脱,丢弃,废除 | |
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45 doffed | |
v.脱去,(尤指)脱帽( doff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46 sincerity | |
n.真诚,诚意;真实 | |
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47 renewals | |
重建( renewal的名词复数 ); 更新; 重生; 合同的续订 | |
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48 intervals | |
n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 );间隔时间;[数学]区间;(戏剧、电影或音乐会的)幕间休息 | |
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49 patriotism | |
n.爱国精神,爱国心,爱国主义 | |
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50 configuration | |
n.结构,布局,形态,(计算机)配置 | |
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51 warriors | |
武士,勇士,战士( warrior的名词复数 ) | |
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52 capered | |
v.跳跃,雀跃( caper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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53 killing | |
n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财 | |
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54 pumpkin | |
n.南瓜 | |
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55 bellied | |
adj.有腹的,大肚子的 | |
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56 squint | |
v. 使变斜视眼, 斜视, 眯眼看, 偏移, 窥视; n. 斜视, 斜孔小窗; adj. 斜视的, 斜的 | |
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57 apprehend | |
vt.理解,领悟,逮捕,拘捕,忧虑 | |
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58 champagne | |
n.香槟酒;微黄色 | |
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59 bowels | |
n.肠,内脏,内部;肠( bowel的名词复数 );内部,最深处 | |
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60 sufficiently | |
adv.足够地,充分地 | |
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61 drenched | |
adj.湿透的;充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 );在某人(某物)上大量使用(某液体) | |
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62 incapable | |
adj.无能力的,不能做某事的 | |
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63 indignity | |
n.侮辱,伤害尊严,轻蔑 | |
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64 labyrinth | |
n.迷宫;难解的事物;迷路 | |
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65 wagon | |
n.四轮马车,手推车,面包车;无盖运货列车 | |
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66 luster | |
n.光辉;光泽,光亮;荣誉 | |
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67 distress | |
n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
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68 courageous | |
adj.勇敢的,有胆量的 | |
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69 barricade | |
n.路障,栅栏,障碍;vt.设路障挡住 | |
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70 intruded | |
n.侵入的,推进的v.侵入,侵扰,打扰( intrude的过去式和过去分词 );把…强加于 | |
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71 admonished | |
v.劝告( admonish的过去式和过去分词 );训诫;(温和地)责备;轻责 | |
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72 nether | |
adj.下部的,下面的;n.阴间;下层社会 | |
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73 lone | |
adj.孤寂的,单独的;唯一的 | |
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74 beseech | |
v.祈求,恳求 | |
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75 distressed | |
痛苦的 | |
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76 erect | |
n./v.树立,建立,使竖立;adj.直立的,垂直的 | |
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77 screeching | |
v.发出尖叫声( screech的现在分词 );发出粗而刺耳的声音;高叫 | |
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78 goaded | |
v.刺激( goad的过去式和过去分词 );激励;(用尖棒)驱赶;驱使(或怂恿、刺激)某人 | |
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79 belabored | |
v.毒打一顿( belabor的过去式和过去分词 );责骂;就…作过度的说明;向…唠叨 | |
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80 quell | |
v.压制,平息,减轻 | |
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81 toddling | |
v.(幼儿等)东倒西歪地走( toddle的现在分词 );蹒跚行走;溜达;散步 | |
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82 scarlet | |
n.深红色,绯红色,红衣;adj.绯红色的 | |
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83 scampered | |
v.蹦蹦跳跳地跑,惊惶奔跑( scamper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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84 contestants | |
n.竞争者,参赛者( contestant的名词复数 ) | |
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85 plight | |
n.困境,境况,誓约,艰难;vt.宣誓,保证,约定 | |
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86 scrupulous | |
adj.审慎的,小心翼翼的,完全的,纯粹的 | |
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87 enjoined | |
v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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88 ribs | |
n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 );(船或屋顶等的)肋拱;肋骨状的东西;(织物的)凸条花纹 | |
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89 purgative | |
n.泻药;adj.通便的 | |
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90 skull | |
n.头骨;颅骨 | |
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91 pacify | |
vt.使(某人)平静(或息怒);抚慰 | |
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92 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
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93 behooves | |
n.利益,好处( behoof的名词复数 )v.适宜( behoove的第三人称单数 ) | |
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94 humility | |
n.谦逊,谦恭 | |
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95 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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96 severely | |
adv.严格地;严厉地;非常恶劣地 | |
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97 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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98 besought | |
v.恳求,乞求(某事物)( beseech的过去式和过去分词 );(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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99 amends | |
n. 赔偿 | |
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100 bruised | |
[医]青肿的,瘀紫的 | |
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101 emulate | |
v.努力赶上或超越,与…竞争;效仿 | |
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102 extremities | |
n.端点( extremity的名词复数 );尽头;手和足;极窘迫的境地 | |
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103 shrieked | |
v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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