GLANMOREGAIN went home thinking within himself that the general was, mentally, not quite up to what he had expected to find him. However, as generals were not always to be judged either by their epistles or conversation, so the rotund figure, he thought, might prove himself a dabster in war as well as politics. Further, he did not so much want a general who would have his own way in every thing, (for then there was danger of his holding what he got, under the rules of war,) but rather one whom he could mould and direct according to his desires. In fine, the man, he thought, might reflect the follies1 of a fool, and in the quality of wars he intended to prosecute2, be exactly the general he wanted. The general, on the other hand, commenced setting himself down as the most fortunate military man of his day. Indeed, all the pedantry3 of his extravagant4 nature was excited to a degree that made him already begin to contemplate5 himself the hero of endless victories. He also cast a stray thought to old Battle, and fancied himself mounted upon him at the head of a victorious6 army, returning proudly home after having demolished7 several kingdoms and built up as many republics. He also lost no time in writing a second letter to his wife Polly, in which he set forth8, with much flourish, that he had been so elevated in the opinion of the nation, that now he was offered the command of an army; which he had accepted, and was about to invade the kingdom of a foreign prince. And this letter he sealed and dispatched with all possible speed, hoping in his heart that it might reach his wife Polly in advance of the other.
When this was done, Mr. Tickler entered, and, after passing the usual compliments, proceeded, without further ceremony, to write a note to the landlord of the New York Hotel, returning thanks for his extreme generosity9. But not a word was said about the three dollars. Mr. Tickler declared it would not do to lisp a word concerning it, as such would be in direct violation10 of the rules of etiquette11 common at this day. Having despatched the note, the general set about relating what had taken place between himself and Glanmoregain, and expressing himself delighted at the opportunity of so soon displaying his prowess in war. "Faith!" exclaimed Mr. Tickler, "every merchant will soon get him a general of his own. By the love of my mother! now it's just struck me: perhaps I can get a small advance on the strength of my future services? for I am in arrears13 with my landlady14, whose look of melancholy15 so admonishes16 me every time I enter the house, that I have for more than a week taken advantage of the back door." The general shrugged17 his shoulders, declared the will good enough to render the desired relief, but that the means were wanting. To be out-spoken, he hinted to Mr. Tickler that, in the event of joining his service, it must be upon the condition that he depend on the fortunes of war for his reward. As to the hostess, he declared that he had not a doubt of her being a very excellent lady, as hostesses ought to be. Still, he gave it as his opinion, that it were much better political economy to leave the poor woman's house with a small bill unpaid18, than eat himself into a large one. He further suggested that when the time came, he pack up and leave as quietly as possible, neither looking to the right nor the left, but getting out of the city by the most direct route; and when a respectful distance was reached, just to drop her a friendly line, saying he could not find it compatible with his conscience to longer eat her bread without paying for it, but as soon as fortune put the means in his way, he would lose no time in rubbing out the score.
"Love of my mother!" again ejaculated Tickler, "but your astetics are well enough. And I like the logic19 that closes the door on a small debt, rather than bury a friend with a big one. See that, now, master general!"
The preliminaries whereby the adroit20 critic was to follow the fortunes of his master, were now arranged, and the agreement signed. Tickler was to be faithful and obedient to his master, rendering21 him such services as the change of events might demand, being content with rations22 and clothing until the fortunes of war turned up something better.
When night was come, Glanmoregain again made his appearance, having previously23 extended an invitation, to escort the general to the opera. And as Tickler was about to perform so important a part in his project, he could do no less than invite him also. Vain of the importance he imagined himself possessing in the eyes of the public, the general was with some difficulty restrained from mounting his uniform, which he held necessary, lest he be confounded with some ordinary individual without claim to popular favor. Having persuaded him to forego this unnecessary display, the three sallied out together, and soon arrived at what is curiously24 called the Academy of Music, a building which several friends of the writer of this history, and who are gentlemen of acknowledged taste, declare to be unexcelled for splendor25 and beauty of architecture, not even excepting the La Scala, St. Carlo, Covent Garden, or even the Tacon. With all deference26 for the opinions of my accomplished27 friends, I must confess that the exterior28 of the building struck me as a huge, square mass of brick much disfigured with awkward looking windows and common place lintels. Indeed, it might easily have been mistaken for a charity hospital; and in the absence of a front, discovering the slightest architectural grandeur29, bore no small resemblance to an absurdly constructed barracks.
Entering what in a church would be designated a vestibule, but which here served as a convenient place for loitering gentlemen who speculate in tickets, and the only visible furniture of which had been reformed down to a cheap chandelier, they passed on through a narrow baize door, flanked on one side by an oily ticket taker, and on the other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, whom the manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a capricious public, seemed to have placed there for the ostensible30 purpose of staring in the faces of ladies, and so circumscribing31 the width of the passage as to render it exceedingly difficult of ingress. They passed on into the "dress circle," where the seats were peculiarly adapted for making the back ache, and soon found that they had got behind a huge column, (of which there were many similar ones,) where no human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, though the unfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. As to the interior of the house, it forcibly reminded me of an immense gypsum quarry32, with rudely excavated33 galleries, forming such a jumble34 and confusion of lines, that it was in vain you looked for an architectural beauty. Indeed, I venture to assert, that such a huge conglomerate35 of plaster and cheap gilt36 never before decorated one edifice37, and that dedicated38 to high art. And if the uncouth39 images, with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, which met the eye at every turn, were to be accepted in proof of the high standard of taste at which we had arrived, then surely plaster and gilt ought to form the motto. Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore up the second tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from the circle borders; grim visaged figures, in plaster, looked tauntingly40 at you from the proscenium; a troop of impolite figures, in plaster, beset41 you in flank and rear, and haunted you at every turn, as plaster figures had evidently haunted the imagination of the architect. In fine, every deficiency seemed compensated42 with an image in plaster, or, what was worse, one of those fashionable society men who sit in dumb show, listening to the melody, without enjoying the sense or knowing a word of what is being sung.
A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my friend, Miss Kate Suppletongue, who declared to me that though she had been twice to London and Paris, she had seen nothing equal to the Academy for grandeur. Tom Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, said neither the St. Carlos nor the Covent Garden could compare with it for beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, whose verdict the whole avenue accepted in matters of taste. My disappointment then was only equaled by the height to which my expectations had been raised by these excellent authorities. But what grieved me most, for I am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evidently been committed on these females in plaster forming an advance guard to the d.c.s circle, and obstructing43 the view while affecting to support the upper boxes. I am told that the directors and stockholders are men of large humanity, whose only vanity lies in fancying themselves liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable in gentlemen much given to commerce. I beseech44 them, then, as they are christian45 gentlemen, to look to the distressed46 condition of these females, some of whom have lost their noses, others their fingers and toes, while still others have had curious antics performed with their bosoms47, which would seem to afford no little diversion to certain females of easy virtue48, who, together with the empty seats of the stockholders, are firm fixtures49 of the dress circle. My pity was indeed excited at beholding50 the large aperture51 made by some strange accident in the abdomen52 of one of these plaster females, and which aperture a thoughtless young gentleman made a convenient place for depositing his hat and cane53, much to the amusement of those in the vicinity.
As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia) proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style of singing, began to think it a mere54 tilt55 of voices between the singers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it; and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, for those who have books I take it cannot find the places." Mr. Tickler, who affected56 to have the whole opera at his fingers' ends, began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served to leave the matter more confused in the general's mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why they should scream their troubles in a language not one word of which nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand.
"Faith of my father, sir," he continued, "but if the fleshy man would only stop his screaming, and set to sing 'Auld57 Lang Syne,' or something of that sort, it would be much more to my liking58. To your fashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and let them who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (and I see you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor59, and who you say is no scaly60 fellow, but a man with whom several damsels have become enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the basso, in telling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not a whit61 about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loud conversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof of their resolution not to let the bawling62 fellows upon the stage have it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice12 is better shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement of the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skins at our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed63 lest they fall into the snare64 you describe as being set for the square shouldered damsels you call the atrato." "Contralto!" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is only in a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to the opera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to matters concerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the stage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would not become me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strength of our understanding by getting quietly away." During this colloquy65 between the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet listener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocence66 of the man he was about to entrust67 with the important office of overthrowing68 a kingdom. And although he would have remained to the end of the opera, which, so far as the principals were concerned, was really being performed in a very creditable manner, he accompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, where they, having made such arrangements for the journey as will be recorded in the following chapter, parted for the night.
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1
follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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prosecute
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| vt.告发；进行；vi.告发，起诉，作检察官 | |
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pedantry
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| n.迂腐，卖弄学问 | |
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extravagant
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| adj.奢侈的；过分的；(言行等)放肆的 | |
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contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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victorious
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| adj.胜利的，得胜的 | |
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demolished
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| v.摧毁( demolish的过去式和过去分词 )；推翻；拆毁（尤指大建筑物）；吃光 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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violation
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| n.违反(行为)，违背(行为)，侵犯 | |
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etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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arrears
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| n.到期未付之债，拖欠的款项；待做的工作 | |
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landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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admonishes
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| n.劝告( admonish的名词复数 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责v.劝告( admonish的第三人称单数 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责 | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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unpaid
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| adj.未付款的，无报酬的 | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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adroit
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| adj.熟练的，灵巧的 | |
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rendering
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| n.表现，描写 | |
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rations
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| 定量( ration的名词复数 )； 配给量； 正常量； 合理的量 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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exterior
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| adj.外部的，外在的；表面的 | |
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grandeur
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| n.伟大，崇高，宏伟，庄严，豪华 | |
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ostensible
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| adj.(指理由)表面的，假装的 | |
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circumscribing
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| v.在…周围划线( circumscribe的现在分词 )；划定…范围；限制；限定 | |
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quarry
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| n.采石场；v.采石；费力地找 | |
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excavated
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| v.挖掘( excavate的过去式和过去分词 )；开凿；挖出；发掘 | |
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jumble
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| vt.使混乱，混杂；n.混乱；杂乱的一堆 | |
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conglomerate
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| n.综合商社，多元化集团公司 | |
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gilt
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| adj.镀金的；n.金边证券 | |
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edifice
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| n.宏伟的建筑物(如宫殿，教室) | |
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dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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uncouth
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| adj.无教养的，粗鲁的 | |
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tauntingly
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| 嘲笑地，辱骂地； 嘲骂地 | |
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beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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42
compensated
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| 补偿，报酬( compensate的过去式和过去分词 )； 给（某人）赔偿（或赔款） | |
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43
obstructing
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| 阻塞( obstruct的现在分词 )； 堵塞； 阻碍； 阻止 | |
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beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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47
bosoms
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| 胸部( bosom的名词复数 )； 胸怀； 女衣胸部（或胸襟）； 和爱护自己的人在一起的情形 | |
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48
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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49
fixtures
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| （房屋等的）固定装置( fixture的名词复数 )； 如（浴盆、抽水马桶）； 固定在某位置的人或物； （定期定点举行的）体育活动 | |
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50
beholding
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| v.看，注视( behold的现在分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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51
aperture
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| n.孔，隙，窄的缺口 | |
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52
abdomen
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| n.腹，下腹(胸部到腿部的部分) | |
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53
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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54
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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55
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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auld
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| adj.老的，旧的 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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scaly
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| adj.鱼鳞状的；干燥粗糙的 | |
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whit
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| n.一点，丝毫 | |
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bawling
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| v.大叫，大喊( bawl的现在分词 )；放声大哭；大声叫出；叫卖（货物） | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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64
snare
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| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
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colloquy
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| n.谈话，自由讨论 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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entrust
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| v.信赖，信托，交托 | |
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overthrowing
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| v.打倒，推翻( overthrow的现在分词 )；使终止 | |
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