STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where he extolled1 the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language that would have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busied himself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general's application for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation of savages3 few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I may mention here that the only benefit the government expected to derive4 from going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kalorama was that the savage2, whom divers5 renegades had set up for a King, might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trick could be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with the greatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep his peace. With a ponderous6 document, then, covering some forty pages of foolscap, and minutely setting forth7 all the great political results achieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to the high consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not a little vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered the general's room early on the following morning, and found him in consultation8 with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to the Secretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:- "Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARY OF STATE:
"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, who has given me no few assurances of his inclination10 to serve me, that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me down for a maker11 of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but a trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man who is ready to die honest, and has no itching12 for what money he may get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian13 as any of them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy14 was only a tissue of scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico) neither to get into controversies15 with editors, nor to fight duels16 for what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut up such queer pranks17 with all who come in my way that I shall be wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid18, which is common enough with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace between us; but if he be obstinate19, and cut up capers20, and put himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by the beard without all this coaxing21 round the bush, which reminds me of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin22. In short, as to that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours.
"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfill23 his promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And here let me mention that it is reported of the administration that it has a passion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other shabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it may damage my prospects24, I will tell you honestly that General Roger Potter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry and old uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby gentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for that matter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to be equal.
"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to state that I have no language at my tongue's end but my own; and, in truth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage king will be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for if he had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three learned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil would get his kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speak his own tongue, you may fancy the solitude25 that must yawn between us. We may say what we please of one another without rendering26 our actions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me we may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other without danger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it will be convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues.
"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough, pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous27 in the matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration; and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon28 with as many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency's Humble29 Servant, "GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER."
"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech30 you, then, not to dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and Webster. The general seemed a little chary31 of this big document, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke32 up and said, "By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you."
"As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, affecting to read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in great anxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for it occurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel." This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his peace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir," resumed the general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilous33 adventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Department when business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, the secretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will think no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr. Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue34, surely two cannot fail to effect our object."
"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respect not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into a passion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as to say he verily believed the general a trifling35 simpleton, who was resolved on making an ass9 of himself in the eyes of the administration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for his services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who was scrupulous36 of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding, that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to have summary vengeance37 of the man who dared to cast such reflections upon his dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the general saying it was well he did or he had cleft38 him in two pieces. And while the excited general stood brandishing39 his sword in the door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, that unless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, be settled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law.
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extolled
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| v.赞颂，赞扬，赞美( extol的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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savages
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| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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derive
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| v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自 | |
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divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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ponderous
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| adj.沉重的，笨重的，(文章)冗长的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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maker
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| n.制造者，制造商 | |
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itching
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| adj.贪得的，痒的，渴望的v.发痒( itch的现在分词 ) | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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diplomacy
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| n.外交；外交手腕，交际手腕 | |
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controversies
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| 争论 | |
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duels
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| n.两男子的决斗( duel的名词复数 )；竞争，斗争 | |
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pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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unpaid
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| adj.未付款的，无报酬的 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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capers
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| n.开玩笑( caper的名词复数 )；刺山柑v.跳跃，雀跃( caper的第三人称单数 ) | |
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coaxing
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| v.哄，用好话劝说( coax的现在分词 )；巧言骗取；哄劝，劝诱；“锻炼”效应 | |
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virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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fulfill
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| vt.履行，实现，完成；满足，使满意 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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rendering
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| n.表现，描写 | |
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timorous
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| adj.胆怯的，胆小的 | |
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boon
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| n.恩赐，恩物，恩惠 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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chary
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| adj.谨慎的，细心的 | |
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32
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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33
perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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scrupulous
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| adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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cleft
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| n.裂缝；adj.裂开的 | |
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39
brandishing
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| v.挥舞( brandish的现在分词 )；炫耀 | |
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