Chapter 42

 The following morning, I arrive right on time for the 4:00 AM meditation¹ session which always starts the day here. We are meant to sit for an hour in silence, but I log the minutes as if they are miles--sixty brutal² miles that I have to endure. By mile/minute fourteen, my nerves have started to go, my knees are breaking down and I'm overcome with exasperation³. Which is understandable, given that the conversations between me and my mind during meditation generally go something like this:

Me: OK, we're going to meditate⁴ now. Let's draw our attention to our breath and focus on the mantra. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shiv--

Mind: I can help you out with this, you know!

Me: OK, good, because I need your help. Let's go. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shi--

Mind: I can help you think of nice meditative⁵ images. Like--hey, here's a good one. Imagine you are a temple. A temple on an island! And the island is in the ocean!

Me: Oh, that is a nice image.

Mind: Thanks. I thought of it myself.

Me: But what ocean are we picturing here?

Mind: The Mediterranean⁶. Imagine you're one of those Greek islands, with an old Greek temple on it. No, never mind, that's too touristy. You know what? Forget the ocean. Oceans are too dangerous. Here's a better idea--imagine you're an island in a lake, instead.

Me: Can we meditate now, please? Om Namah Shiv--

Mind: Yes! Definitely! But try not to picture that the lake is covered with . . . what are those things called--

Me: Jet Skis?

Mind: Yes! Jet Skis! Those things consume so much fuel! They're really a menace to the environment. Do you know what else uses a lot of fuel? Leaf blowers. You wouldn't think so, but--

Me: OK, but let's MEDITATE now, please? Om Namah--

Mind: Right! I definitely want to help you meditate! And that's why we're going to skip the image of an island on a lake or an ocean, because that's obviously not working. So let's imagine that you're an island in . . . a river!

Me: Oh, you mean like Bannerman Island, in the Hudson River?

Mind: Yes! Exactly! Perfect. Therefore, in conclusion, let's meditate on this image--envision that you are an island in a river.

All the thoughts that float by as you're meditating⁷, these are just the river's natural currents and you can ignore them because you are an island.

Me: Wait, I thought you said I was a temple.

Mind: That's right, sorry. You're a temple on an island. In fact, you are both the temple and the island.

Me: Am I also the river?

Mind: No, the river is just the thoughts.

Me: Stop! Please stop! YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!!

Mind (wounded): Sorry. I was only trying to help.

Me: Om Namah Shivaya . . . Om Namah Shivaya . . . Om Namah Shivaya . . .

Here there is a promising⁸ eight-second pause in thoughts. But then--

Mind: Are you mad at me now?

--and then with a big gasp⁹, like I am coming up for air, my mind wins, my eyes fly open and I quit. In tears. An Ashram is supposed to be a place where you come to deepen your meditation, but this is a disaster. The pressure is too much for me. I can't do it. But what should I do? Run out of the temple crying after fourteen minutes, every day?

This morning, though, instead of fighting it, I just stopped. I gave up. I let myself slump¹⁰ against the wall behind me. My back hurt, I had no strength, my mind was quivering. My posture¹¹ collapsed¹² like a bridge crumbling¹³ down. I took the mantra off the top of my head (where it had been pressing down on me like an invisible anvil) and set it on the floor beside me. And then I said to God, "I'm really sorry, but this is the closest I could get to you today."

The Lakota Sioux say that a child who cannot sit still is a half-developed child. And an old Sanskrit text says, "By certain signs you can tell when meditation is being rightly performed. One of them is that a bird will sit on your head, thinking you are an inert¹⁴ thing." This has not exactly happened to me yet. But for the next forty minutes or so, I tried to stay as quiet as possible, trapped in that meditation hall and ensnared in my own shame and inadequacy¹⁵, watching the devotees around me as they sat in their perfect postures¹⁶, their perfect eyes closed, their smug faces emanating¹⁷ calmness as they surely transported themselves into some perfect heaven. I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said--that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.

But I didn't feel strong. My body ached in diminished worthlessness.

I wondered who is the "me" when I am conversing¹⁸ with my mind, and who is the "mind." I thought about the relentless¹⁹ thought-processing, soul-devouring machine that is my brain, and wondered how on earth I was ever going to master it. Then I remembered that line from Jaws²⁰ and couldn't help smiling:

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

1 meditation   

n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录

参考例句：

• This peaceful garden lends itself to meditation.这个恬静的花园适于冥想。
• I'm sorry to interrupt your meditation.很抱歉，我打断了你的沉思。

2 brutal   

adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的

参考例句：

• She has to face the brutal reality.她不得不去面对冷酷的现实。
• They're brutal people behind their civilised veneer.他们表面上温文有礼，骨子里却是野蛮残忍。

3 exasperation   

n.愤慨

参考例句：

• He snorted with exasperation.他愤怒地哼了一声。
• She rolled her eyes in sheer exasperation.她气急败坏地转动着眼珠。

4 meditate   

v.想，考虑，（尤指宗教上的）沉思，冥想

参考例句：

• It is important to meditate on the meaning of life.思考人生的意义很重要。
• I was meditating,and reached a higher state of consciousness.我在冥想，并进入了一个更高的意识境界。

5 meditative   

adj.沉思的，冥想的

参考例句：

• A stupid fellow is talkative;a wise man is meditative.蠢人饶舌，智者思虑。
• Music can induce a meditative state in the listener.音乐能够引导倾听者沉思。

6 Mediterranean   

adj.地中海的；地中海沿岸的

参考例句：

• The houses are Mediterranean in character.这些房子都属地中海风格。
• Gibraltar is the key to the Mediterranean.直布罗陀是地中海的要冲。

7 meditating   

a.沉思的，冥想的

参考例句：

• They were meditating revenge. 他们在谋划进行报复。
• The congressman is meditating a reply to his critics. 这位国会议员正在考虑给他的批评者一个答复。

8 promising   

adj.有希望的，有前途的

参考例句：

• The results of the experiments are very promising.实验的结果充满了希望。
• We're trying to bring along one or two promising young swimmers.我们正设法培养出一两名有前途的年轻游泳选手。

9 gasp   

n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说

参考例句：

• She gave a gasp of surprise.她吃惊得大口喘气。
• The enemy are at their last gasp.敌人在做垂死的挣扎。

10 slump   

n.暴跌，意气消沉，（土地）下沉；vi.猛然掉落，坍塌，大幅度下跌

参考例句：

• She is in a slump in her career.她处在事业的低谷。
• Economists are forecasting a slump.经济学家们预言将发生经济衰退。

11 posture   

n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势

参考例句：

• The government adopted an uncompromising posture on the issue of independence.政府在独立这一问题上采取了毫不妥协的态度。
• He tore off his coat and assumed a fighting posture.他脱掉上衣，摆出一副打架的架势。

12 collapsed   

adj.倒塌的

参考例句：

• Jack collapsed in agony on the floor. 杰克十分痛苦地瘫倒在地板上。
• The roof collapsed under the weight of snow. 房顶在雪的重压下突然坍塌下来。

13 crumbling   

adj.摇摇欲坠的

参考例句：

• an old house with crumbling plaster and a leaking roof 一所灰泥剥落、屋顶漏水的老房子
• The boat was tied up alongside a crumbling limestone jetty. 这条船停泊在一个摇摇欲坠的石灰岩码头边。

14 inert   

adj.无活动能力的，惰性的；迟钝的

参考例句：

• Inert gas studies are providing valuable information about other planets,too.对惰性气体的研究，也提供了有关其它行星的有价值的资料。
• Elemental nitrogen is a very unreactive and inert material.元素氮是一个十分不活跃的惰性物质。

15 inadequacy   

n.无法胜任，信心不足

参考例句：

• the inadequacy of our resources 我们的资源的贫乏
• The failure is due to the inadequacy of preparations. 这次失败是由于准备不足造成的。

16 postures   

姿势( posture的名词复数 )； 看法； 态度； 立场

参考例句：

• Modern consciousness has this great need to explode its own postures. 现代意识很有这种摧毁本身姿态的需要。
• They instinctively gathered themselves into more tidy postures. 她们本能地恢复了端庄的姿态。

17 emanating   

v.从…处传出，传出( emanate的现在分词 )；产生，表现，显示

参考例句：

• Even so, there is a slight odour of potpourri emanating from Longfellow. 纵然如此，也还是可以闻到来自朗费罗的一种轻微的杂烩的味道。 来自辞典例句
• Many surface waters, particularly those emanating from swampy areas, are often colored to the extent. 许多地表水，特别是由沼泽地区流出的地表水常常染上一定程度的颜色。 来自辞典例句

18 conversing   

v.交谈，谈话( converse的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• I find that conversing with her is quite difficult. 和她交谈实在很困难。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• They were conversing in the parlor. 他们正在客厅谈话。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

19 relentless   

adj.残酷的，不留情的，无怜悯心的

参考例句：

• The traffic noise is relentless.交通车辆的噪音一刻也不停止。
• Their training has to be relentless.他们的训练必须是无情的。

20 jaws   

n.口部；嘴

参考例句：

• The antelope could not escape the crocodile's gaping jaws. 那只羚羊无法从鱷鱼张开的大口中逃脱。
• The scored jaws of a vise help it bite the work. 台钳上有刻痕的虎钳牙帮助它紧咬住工件。