Am I young and beautiful?
I thought I was old and divorced.
I can barely sleep at all this night, so unaccustomed to these odd hours, the dance music still thrumming in my head, my hair smelling of cigarettes, my stomach protesting the alcohol. I doze1 a bit, then wake as the sun comes up, just as I am accustomed to. Only this morning I am not rested and I am not at peace and I'm in no condition whatsoever2 for meditation3. Why am I so agitated4? I had a nice night, didn't I? I got to meet some interesting people, got to dress up and dance around, had flirted5 with some men . . .
MEN.
The agitation6 gets more jagged at the thought of that word, turning into a minor7 panic assailment. I don't know how to do this anymore. I used to be the biggest and boldest and most shameless of flirts8 when I was in my teens and twenties. I seem to remember that it was once fun, meeting some guy, spooling9 him in toward me, spooning out the veiled invitations and the provocations10, casting all caution aside and letting the consequences spill how they will.
But now I am feeling only panic and uncertainty11. I start blowing the whole evening up into something much huger than it was, imagining myself getting involved with this Welsh guy who hadn't even given me an e-mail address. I can see all the way into our future already, including the arguments over his smoking habit. I wonder if giving myself to a man again will ruin my journey/writing/life, etc. On the other hand--some romance would be nice. It's been a long, dry time. (I remember Richard from Texas advising me at one point, vis-a-vis my love life, "You need a droughtbreaker, baby. Gotta go find yo'self a rainmaker.") Then I imagine Ian zooming12 over on his motorbike with his handsome bomb-squad torso to make love to me in my garden, and how nice that would be. This not-entirely-unpleasant thought somehow screeches13 me, however, into a horrible skid14 about how I just don't want to go through any heartache again. Then I start to miss David more than I have in months, thinking, Maybe I should call him and see if he wants to try getting together again . . . (Then I receive a very accurate channeling of my old friend Richard, saying, Oh, that's genius, Groceries--didja get a lobotomy last night, in addition to gettin' a little tipsy?) It's never a far leap from ruminating15 about David to obsessing16 about the circumstances of my divorce, and so soon I start brooding (just like old times) about my ex-husband, my divorce . . .
I thought we were done with this topic, Groceries.
And then I start thinking about Felipe, for some reason--that handsome older Brazilian man. He's nice. Felipe. He says I am young and beautiful and that I will have a wonderful time here time in Bali. He's right, right? I should relax and have some fun, right? But this morning it doesn't feel fun.
I don't know how to do this anymore.
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1
doze
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| v.打瞌睡；n.打盹，假寐 | |
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2
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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3
meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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4
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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5
flirted
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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7
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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8
flirts
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的第三人称单数 ) | |
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9
spooling
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| n.络纱，络筒v.把…绕到线轴上（或从线轴上绕下来）( spool的现在分词 )；假脱机（输出或输入） | |
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10
provocations
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| n.挑衅( provocation的名词复数 )；激怒；刺激；愤怒的原因 | |
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11
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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12
zooming
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| adj.快速上升的v.（飞机、汽车等）急速移动( zoom的过去分词 )；（价格、费用等）急升，猛涨 | |
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13
screeches
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| n.尖锐的声音( screech的名词复数 )v.发出尖叫声( screech的第三人称单数 )；发出粗而刺耳的声音；高叫 | |
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14
skid
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| v.打滑 n.滑向一侧；滑道 ，滑轨 | |
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15
ruminating
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| v.沉思( ruminate的现在分词 )；反复考虑；反刍；倒嚼 | |
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16
obsessing
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| v.时刻困扰( obsess的现在分词 )；缠住；使痴迷；使迷恋 | |
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