Before this time I had learned to read simple sentences; for I cannot remember when my father began telling me how important and necessary it was to study books. By some strange trick of fortune, he was born with a quenchless1 thirst for learning. This love of books was the one great passion of his life; but his large family began to arrive when he was at such an early age that he never had time to prepare himself to make a living from his learning. He always felt the hardship and 33irony of a life of labor2 to one who loved study and contemplation; so he resolved that his children should have a better chance. Poor man! I can see him now as plainly as if it were yesterday. I can see him with his books,—English, Latin, Greek, and even Hebrew,—carrying them back and forth3 to the dusty mill, and snatching the smallest chance, even when the water was spilling over the dam, to learn more of the wonders that were held between the covers of these books.
All my life I have felt that Nature had some grudge4 against my father. If she had made him a simple miller5, content when he was grinding corn and dipping the small toll6 from the farmer’s grist, he might have lived a fairly useful, happy life. But day after day and year after year he was compelled to walk the short and narrow path between the little house and the decaying mill, while his mind was roving over scenes of great battles, decayed empires, dead languages, and the starry7 heavens above. To his dying day he lived in a walking trance; and his books and their wondrous8 stories were more real to him than the turning water-wheel, the sacks of wheat and 34corn, and the cunning, soulless farmers who dickered and haggled9 about his hard-earned toll.
Whether or not my father had strong personal ambitions, I really never knew; no doubt he had, but years of work and resignation had taught him to deny them even to himself, and slowly and pathetically he must have let go his hold upon that hope and ambition which alone make the thoughtful man cling fast to life.
In all the country round, no man knew so much of books as he, and no man knew less of life. The old parson and the doctor were almost the only neighbors who seemed able even to understand the language that he spoke10. I remember now, when his work was done, how religiously he went to his little study with his marvellous books, and worked and read far into the night, stopping only to encourage and help his children in the tasks that they were ever anxious to neglect and shirk. My bedroom, with its two beds and generally four occupants, opened directly from his study door; and no matter how often I went to sleep and awakened11 in the night, I could see a little streak12 of lamplight at the bottom of the 35door that opened into his room, which showed me that he was still dwelling13 in the fairy-lands of which his old volumes told. He was no longer there in the morning, and this was usually the first time that I missed him in my waking moments after I had gone to bed. Often, too, he wrote, sometimes night after night for weeks together; but I never knew what it was that he put down,—no doubt his hopes and dreams and loves and doubts and fears, as men have ever done since time began, as they will ever do while time shall last, and as I am doing now; but these poor dreams of his were never destined14 to see the light of day. Perhaps, with no one to tell him that they were good, he despaired about their worth, as so many other doubting souls have done before and since. It is not likely, indeed, that any publisher could have been found ready to transform his poor cramped15 writing into print. Whatever may have been the case, if I could only find the pages that he wrote I would print them now with his name upon the title-page, and pay for them myself.
I cannot remember when I learned to read. I seem always to have known how. I am sure 36that I learned my letters from the red and blue blocks that were always scattered16 on the floor. Of course, I did not know what they meant; I only knew that A was A, and was content with that. Even when I learned my first little words, and put them into simple sentences, I fancy that I knew no more of what they meant than the poor caged parrot that keeps saying over and over again, “Polly wants a cracker,” when he really wants nothing of the kind. I fancy that I knew nothing of what they meant, for as I read to-day many of the brave lessons learned even in my later life I cannot imagine that I had any thought of their meaning such as the language seems now to hold.
But I know that I learned my letters quickly and early,—though not so early as an elder brother who was always kept steadily17 before my eyes. It must be that my father gave me little chance to tarry long from one simple book to another, for I remember that at a very early age I was told again and again that John Stuart Mill began studying Greek when he was only three years old. I thought then, as I do to-day, that he must have had a cruel father, and 37that this unnatural18 parent not only made miserable19 the life of his little boy, but of thousands of other boys whose fathers could see no reason why their sons should be outdone by John Stuart Mill. I have no doubt that my good father thought that all his children ought to be able to do anything that was ever accomplished20 by John Stuart Mill; and so he did his part, and more, to make us try.
But, after all, I feel to-day just as I did long years ago, when with reluctant ear and rebellious21 heart I heard of the great achievements of John Stuart Mill. I look back to those early years, and still regret the beautiful play-spells that were broken and the many fond childish schemes for pleasure that were shattered because John Stuart Mill began studying Greek when three years old.
I would often shed bitter tears, and mutter exclamations22 and protests which no one heard, but which were none the less terrible because they were spoken underneath23 my breath,—and all on account of John Stuart Mill. It was long before I could forgive my gentle honest father for having tried so hard to make me learn those books. I am sure that no good 38fortune can ever compensate24 me for the wasted joys, the broken playtimes, the interrupted childish pleasures, which I should have had.
If I were writing this story as I feel to-day, and if I could not recall the little child who had so lately come from the great heart of Nature that he still must have remembered what she felt and thought and knew, I might not regret those broken childish joys. I might rather mourn and lament25, with all the teachers and parents and authors, that I was so profligate26 of my time when I was yet a child, and that I was not more studious in those far-off years. But as I look back to my childhood days, my sluggish27 heart beats quicker, and I can feel the warm young blood rush to my tingling28 feet and hands, and I realize once more the strange thrill of delight and joy that life and activity alone bring to all the young. And so I cling to-day to the childish thought that I was right and my poor father wrong. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things,” said the apostle twenty centuries ago. The mistake of maturity29 and age has ever been that it lives 39so wholly in the present and so completely forgets the childhood that is past. To guard infancy30 and youth as a precious heritage, to keep them as long as we can, seems to me the true philosophy of life. For, after all, life is mostly illusions, and the illusions of infancy and childhood and youth are more alluring31 than those of later years.
But I fancy now that I can understand my father’s thoughts. A strange fate had set him down beside the little winding32 creek33 and kept him at his humble34 task of tolling35 his neighbors’ grist. He looked at the high hills to the east, and at the high hills to the west, and up and down the narrow country road that led to the outside world. He knew that beyond the high hills was a broad inviting36 plain, with opportunity and plenty, with fortune and fame; but as he looked at the hills he could see no way to pass beyond. It is possible that he could have walked over them, or even around them, had he been alone; but there was the ever-growing brood that held him in the narrow place. No doubt as he grew older he often looked up and down the long dusty road, half expecting some fairy or genie37 to come along and take him away 40where he might realize his dreams; but of course no such thing ever happened,—for this is a real story,—and so he stayed and ground the grain in the old decaying mill.
My father must have been quite advanced in years before he wholly gave up his ambitions to do something in life besides grinding the farmers’ corn. Indeed, I am not sure that he ever gave them up; but doubtless, as the task seemed more hopeless and the chain grew stronger, he slowly looked to his children to satisfy the dreams that life once held out to him; and so this thought mingled38 with the rest in his strong endeavor that we should all have the best education he could get for us, so that we need not be millers39 as he had been. Well, none of us are millers! The old family is scattered far and wide; the last member of the little band long since passed down the narrow road, and out between the great high hills into the far-off land of freedom and opportunity of which my father dreamed. But I should be glad to believe to-day that a single one over whom he watched with such jealous care ever gave as much real service to the world as this simple, kindly40 man whose name was heard scarcely 41farther than the water that splashed and tumbled on the turning wheel.
I started bravely to tell about my life,—to write my story as it seems to me; and here I am halting and rambling41 like a garrulous42 old man over the feelings and remembrances of long ago. By a strange trick of memory I seem to stand for a few moments out in the old front yard, a little barefoot child. The long summer twilight43 has grown dim, and the quiet country evening is at hand. Beyond the black trees I hear the falling water spilling over the wooden dam; and farther on, around the edges of the pond, the hoarse44 croak45 of the frogs sounds clear and harsh in the still night air. Above the little porch that shelters the front door is my father’s study window. I look in and see him sitting at his desk with his shaded lamp; before him is his everlasting46 book, and his pale face and long white hair bend over the infatuating pages with all the confidence and trust of a little child. For a simple child he always was, from the time when he first saw the light until his friends and comrades lowered him into the sandy loam47 of the old churchyard. I see him through the little panes48 of glass, as he bends 42above the book. The chapter is finished and he wakens from his reverie into the world in which he lives and works; he takes off his iron-framed spectacles, lays down his book, comes downstairs and calls me away from my companions with the old story that it is time to come into the house and get my lessons. For the hundredth time I protest that I want to play,—to finish my unending game; and again he tells me no, that John Stuart Mill began studying Greek when he was only three years old. And with heavy heart and muttered imprecations on John Stuart Mill, I am taken away from my companions and my play, and set down beside my father with my book. I can feel even now my sorrow and despair, as I leave my playmates and turn the stupid leaves. But I would give all that I possess to-day to hear my father say again, as in that far-off time, “John Stuart Mill began studying Greek when he was only three years old.”
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1
quenchless
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| 不可熄灭的 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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grudge
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| n.不满，怨恨，妒嫉；vt.勉强给，不情愿做 | |
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miller
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| n.磨坊主 | |
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toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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starry
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| adj.星光照耀的, 闪亮的 | |
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wondrous
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| adj.令人惊奇的，奇妙的；adv.惊人地；异乎寻常地；令人惊叹地 | |
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9
haggled
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| v.讨价还价( haggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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11
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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streak
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| n.条理，斑纹，倾向，少许，痕迹；v.加条纹，变成条纹，奔驰，快速移动 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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cramped
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| a.狭窄的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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exclamations
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| n.呼喊( exclamation的名词复数 )；感叹；感叹语；感叹词 | |
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23
underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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24
compensate
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| vt.补偿，赔偿；酬报 vi.弥补；补偿；抵消 | |
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lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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26
profligate
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| adj.行为不检的；n.放荡的人，浪子，肆意挥霍者 | |
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27
sluggish
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| adj.懒惰的，迟钝的，无精打采的 | |
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28
tingling
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| v.有刺痛感( tingle的现在分词 ) | |
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29
maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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infancy
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| n.婴儿期；幼年期；初期 | |
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alluring
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| adj.吸引人的，迷人的 | |
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winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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creek
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| n.小溪，小河，小湾 | |
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34
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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35
tolling
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| [财]来料加工 | |
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inviting
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| adj.诱人的，引人注目的 | |
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genie
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| n.妖怪，神怪 | |
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38
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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39
millers
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| n.（尤指面粉厂的）厂主( miller的名词复数 )；磨房主；碾磨工；铣工 | |
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40
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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rambling
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| adj.[建]凌乱的，杂乱的 | |
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42
garrulous
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| adj.唠叨的，多话的 | |
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43
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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44
hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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45
croak
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| vi.嘎嘎叫，发牢骚 | |
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46
everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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47
loam
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| n.沃土 | |
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48
panes
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| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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