CHAPTER 3

 Our next three or four meetings are not so clearly defined. We did not meet every morning for fear that her early rising should seem too punctual to be no more than a chance impulse, nor did we go to the same place. But there stands out very clearly a conversation in a different mood. We had met at the sham¹ ruins at the far end of the great shrubbery, a huge shattered Corinthian portico² of rather damaged stucco giving wide views of the hills towards Alfridsham between its three erect³ pillars, and affording a dry seat upon its fallen ones. It was an overcast⁴ morning, I remember probably the hour was earlier; a kind of twilight⁵ clearness made the world seem strange and the bushes and trees between us and the house very heavy and still and dark. And we were at cross purpose, for now it was becoming clear to me that Mary did not mean to marry me, that she dreaded⁶ making any promise to me for the future, that all the heroic common cause I wanted with her, was quite alien to her dreams.

 

"But Mary," I said looking at her colorless delicate face, "don't you love me? Don't you want me?"

 

"You know I love you, Stevenage," she said. "You know."

 

"But if two people love one another, they want to be always together, they want to belong to each other."

 

She looked at me with her face very intent upon her meaning. "Stevenage," she said after one of those steadfast⁷ pauses of hers, "I want to belong to myself."

 

"Naturally," I said with an air of disposing of an argument, and then paused.

 

"Why should one have to tie oneself always to one other human being?" she asked. "Why must it be like that?"

 

I do not remember how I tried to meet this extraordinary idea. "One loves," I may have said. The subtle scepticisms of her mind went altogether beyond my habits of thinking; it had never occurred to me that there was any other way of living except in these voluntary and involuntary mutual⁸ servitudes in which men and women live and die. "If you love me," I urged, "if you love me—— I want nothing better in all my life but to love and serve and keep you and make you happy."

 

She surveyed me and weighed my words against her own.

 

"I love meeting you," she said. "I love your going because it means that afterwards you will come again. I love this—this slipping out to you. But up there, there is a room in the house that is my place—me—my own. Nobody follows me there. I want to go on living, Stevenage, just as I am living now. I don't want to become someone's certain possession, to be just usual and familiar to anyone. No, not even to you."

 

"But if you love," I cried.

 

"To you least of all. Don't you see?—I want to be wonderful to you, Stevenage, more than to anyone. I want—I want always to make your heart beat faster. I want always to be coming to you with my own heart beating faster. Always and always I want it to be like that. Just as it has been on these mornings. It has been beautiful—altogether beautiful."

 

"Yes," I said, rather helplessly, and struggled with great issues I had never faced before.

 

"It isn't," I said, "how people live."

 

"It is how I want to live," said Mary.

 

"It isn't the way life goes."

 

"I want it to be. Why shouldn't it be? Why at any rate shouldn't it be for me?"

1 sham   

n./adj.假冒(的)，虚伪(的)

参考例句：

• They cunningly played the game of sham peace.他们狡滑地玩弄假和平的把戏。
• His love was a mere sham.他的爱情是虚假的。

2 portico   

n.柱廊，门廊

参考例句：

• A large portico provides a suitably impressive entrance to the chapel.小教堂入口处宽敞的柱廊相当壮观。
• The gateway and its portico had openings all around.门洞两旁与廊子的周围都有窗棂。

3 erect   

n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的

参考例句：

• She held her head erect and her back straight.她昂着头，把背挺得笔直。
• Soldiers are trained to stand erect.士兵们训练站得笔直。

4 overcast   

adj.阴天的，阴暗的，愁闷的；v.遮盖，（使）变暗，包边缝；n.覆盖，阴天

参考例句：

• The overcast and rainy weather found out his arthritis.阴雨天使他的关节炎发作了。
• The sky is overcast with dark clouds.乌云满天。

5 twilight   

n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期

参考例句：

• Twilight merged into darkness.夕阳的光辉融于黑暗中。
• Twilight was sweet with the smell of lilac and freshly turned earth.薄暮充满紫丁香和新翻耕的泥土的香味。

6 dreaded   

adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)

参考例句：

• The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
• He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》

7 steadfast   

adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的

参考例句：

• Her steadfast belief never left her for one moment.她坚定的信仰从未动摇过。
• He succeeded in his studies by dint of steadfast application.由于坚持不懈的努力他获得了学业上的成功。

8 mutual   

adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的

参考例句：

• We must pull together for mutual interest.我们必须为相互的利益而通力合作。
• Mutual interests tied us together.相互的利害关系把我们联系在一起。