We talked of a future life, of art, service, marriage, and education; nor did the idea ever occur to us that very possibly all we said was shocking nonsense. The reason why it never occurred to us was that the nonsense which we talked was good, sensible nonsense, and that, so long as one is young, one can appreciate good nonsense, and believe in it. In youth the powers of the mind are directed wholly to the future, and that future assumes such various, vivid, and alluring5 forms under the influence of hope—hope based, not upon the experience of the past, but upon an assumed possibility of happiness to come—that such dreams of expected felicity constitute in themselves the true happiness of that period of our life. How I loved those moments in our metaphysical discussions (discussions which formed the major portion of our intercourse) when thoughts came thronging6 faster and faster, and, succeeding one another at lightning speed, and growing more and more abstract, at length attained7 such a pitch of elevation8 that one felt powerless to express them, and said something quite different from what one had intended at first to say! How I liked those moments, too, when, carried higher and higher into the realms of thought, we suddenly felt that we could grasp its substance no longer and go no further!
At carnival9 time Nechludoff was so much taken up with one festivity and another that, though he came to see us several times a day, he never addressed a single word to me. This offended me so much that once again I found myself thinking him a haughty10, disagreeable fellow, and only awaited an opportunity to show him that I no longer valued his company or felt any particular affection for him. Accordingly, the first time that he spoke11 to me after the carnival, I said that I had lessons to do, and went upstairs, but a quarter of an hour later some one opened the schoolroom door, and Nechludoff entered.
“Am I disturbing you?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, although I had at first intended to say that I had a great deal to do.
“Then why did you run away just now? It is a long while since we had a talk together, and I have grown so accustomed to these discussions that I feel as though something were wanting.”
My anger had quite gone now, and Dimitri stood before me the same good and lovable being as before.
“You know, perhaps, why I ran away?” I said.
“Perhaps I do,” he answered, taking a seat near me. “However, though it is possible I know why, I cannot say it straight out, whereas YOU can.”
“Then I will do so. I ran away because I was angry with you—well, not angry, but grieved. I always have an idea that you despise me for being so young.”
“Well, do you know why I always feel so attracted towards you?” he replied, meeting my confession12 with a look of kind understanding, “and why I like you better than any of my other acquaintances or than any of the people among whom I mostly have to live? It is because I found out at once that you have the rare and astonishing gift of sincerity13.”
“Yes, I always confess the things of which I am most ashamed—but only to people in whom I trust,” I said.
“Ah, but to trust a man you must be his friend completely, and we are not friends yet, Nicolas. Remember how, when we were speaking of friendship, we agreed that, to be real friends, we ought to trust one another implicitly14.”
“I trust you in so far as that I feel convinced that you would never repeat a word of what I might tell you,” I said.
“Yet perhaps the most interesting and important thoughts of all are just those which we never tell one another, while the mean thoughts (the thoughts which, if we only knew that we had to confess them to one another, would probably never have the hardihood to enter our minds)—Well, do you know what I am thinking of, Nicolas?” he broke off, rising and taking my hand with a smile. “I propose (and I feel sure that it would benefit us mutually) that we should pledge our word to one another to tell each other EVERYTHING. We should then really know each other, and never have anything on our consciences. And, to guard against outsiders, let us also agree never to speak of one another to a third person. Suppose we do that?”
“I agree,” I replied. And we did it. What the result was shall be told hereafter.
Kerr has said that every attachment15 has two sides: one loves, and the other allows himself to be loved; one kisses, and the other surrenders his cheek. That is perfectly16 true. In the case of our own attachment it was I who kissed, and Dimitri who surrendered his cheek—though he, in his turn, was ready to pay me a similar salute17. We loved equally because we knew and appreciated each other thoroughly18, but this did not prevent him from exercising an influence over me, nor myself from rendering19 him adoration20.
It will readily be understood that Nechludoff’s influence caused me to adopt his bent21 of mind, the essence of which lay in an enthusiastic reverence22 for ideal virtue23 and a firm belief in man’s vocation24 to perpetual perfection. To raise mankind, to abolish vice4 and misery25, seemed at that time a task offering no difficulties. To educate oneself to every virtue, and so to achieve happiness, seemed a simple and easy matter.
Only God Himself knows whether those blessed dreams of youth were ridiculous, or whose the fault was that they never became realised.
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1
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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2
subsisted
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| v.（靠很少的钱或食物）维持生活，生存下去( subsist的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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3
scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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4
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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5
alluring
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| adj.吸引人的，迷人的 | |
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6
thronging
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| v.成群，挤满( throng的现在分词 ) | |
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7
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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8
elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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9
carnival
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| n.嘉年华会，狂欢，狂欢节，巡回表演 | |
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10
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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12
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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13
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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14
implicitly
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| adv. 含蓄地, 暗中地, 毫不保留地 | |
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attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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17
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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rendering
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| n.表现，描写 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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21
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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22
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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23
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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24
vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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25
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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