There was a certain Caliph of Bagdad who was accustomed to go down among the poor and lowly for the solace6 obtained from the relation of their tales and histories. Is it not strange that the humble7 and poverty-stricken have not availed themselves of the pleasure they might glean8 by donning diamonds and silks and playing Caliph among the haunts of the upper world?
There was one who saw the possibilities of thus turning the tables on Haroun al Raschid. His name was Corny Brannigan, and he was a truck driver for a Canal Street importing firm. And if you read further you will learn how he turned upper Broadway into Bagdad and learned something about himself that he did not know before.
Many people would have called Corny a snob—preferably by means of a telephone. His chief interest in life, his chosen amusement, and his sole diversion after working hours, was to place himself in juxtaposition—since he could not hope to mingle—with people of fashion and means.
Every evening after Corny had put up his team and dined at a lunch-counter that made immediateness9 a specialty10, he would clothe himself in evening raiment as correct as any you will see in the palm rooms. Then he would betake himself to that ravishing, radiant roadway devoted11 to Thespis, Thais, and Bacchus.
For a time he would stroll about the lobbies of the best hotels, his soul steeped in blissful content. Beautiful women, cooing like doves, but feathered like birds of Paradise, flicked12 him with their robes as they passed. Courtly gentlemen attended them, gallant13 and assiduous. And Corny's heart within him swelled14 like Sir Lancelot's, for the mirror spoke16 to him as he passed and said: "Corny, lad, there's not a guy among 'em that looks a bit the sweller than yerself. And you drivin' of a truck and them swearin' off their taxes and playin' the red in art galleries with the best in the land!"
And the mirrors spake the truth. Mr. Corny Brannigan had acquired the outward polish, if nothing more. Long and keen observation of polite society had gained for him its manner, its genteel air, and—most difficult of acquirement—its repose17 and ease.
Now and then in the hotels Corny had managed conversation and temporary acquaintance with substantial, if not distinguished18, guests. With many of these he had exchanged cards, and the ones he received he carefully treasured for his own use later. Leaving the hotel lobbies, Corny would stroll leisurely19 about, lingering at the theatre entrance, dropping into the fashionable restaurants as if seeking some friend. He rarely patronized any of these places; he was no bee come to suck honey, but a butterfly flashing his wings among the flowers whose calyces held no sweets for him. His wages were not large enough to furnish him with more than the outside garb20 of the gentleman. To have been one of the beings he so cunningly imitated, Corny Brannigan would have given his right hand.
One night Corny had an adventure. After absorbing the delights of an hour's lounging in the principal hotels along Broadway, he passed up into the stronghold of Thespis. Cab drivers hailed him as a likely fare, to his prideful content. Languishing21 eyes were turned upon him as a hopeful source of lobsters22 and the delectable23, ascendant globules of effervescence. These overtures24 and unconscious compliments Corny swallowed as manna, and hoped Bill, the off horse, would be less lame25 in the left forefoot in the morning.
Beneath a cluster of milky26 globes of electric light Corny paused to admire the sheen of his low-cut patent leather shoes. The building occupying the angle was a pretentious27 café. Out of this came a couple, a lady in a white, cobwebby evening gown, with a lace wrap like a wreath of mist thrown over it, and a man, tall, faultless, assured—too assured. They moved to the edge of the sidewalk and halted. Corny's eye, ever alert for "pointers" in "swell15" behaviour, took them in with a sidelong glance.
"The carriage is not here," said the lady. "You ordered it to wait?"
"I ordered it for nine-thirty," said the man. "It should be here now."
A familiar note in the lady's voice drew a more especial attention from Corny. It was pitched in a key well known to him. The soft electric shone upon her face. Sisters of sorrow have no quarters fixed28 for them. In the index to the book of breaking hearts you will find that Broadway follows very soon after the Bowery. This lady's face was sad, and her voice was attuned29 with it. They waited, as if for the carriage. Corny waited too, for it was out of doors, and he was never tired of accumulating and profiting by knowledge of gentlemanly conduct.
"Jack," said the lady, "don't be angry. I've done everything I could to please you this evening. Why do you act so?"
"Oh, you're an angel," said the man. "Depend upon woman to throw the blame upon a man."
"I'm not blaming you. I'm only trying to make you happy."
"You have been cross with me all the evening without any cause."
"Oh, there isn't any cause except—you make me tired."
Corny took out his card case and looked over his collection. He selected one that read: "Mr. R. Lionel Whyte-Melville, Bloomsbury Square, London." This card he had inveigled31 from a tourist at the King Edward Hotel. Corny stepped up to the man and presented it with a correctly formal air.
"May I ask why I am selected for the honour?" asked the lady's escort.
Now, Mr. Corny Brannigan had a very wise habit of saying little during his imitations of the Caliph of Bagdad. The advice of Lord Chesterfield: "Wear a black coat and hold your tongue," he believed in without having heard. But now speech was demanded and required of him.
"No gent," said Corny, "would talk to a lady like you done. Fie upon you, Willie! Even if she happens to be your wife you ought to have more respect for your clothes than to chin her back that way. Maybe it ain't my butt-in, but it goes, anyhow—you strike me as bein' a whole lot to the wrong."
The lady's escort indulged in more elegantly expressed but fetching repartee32. Corny, eschewing33 his truck driver's vocabulary, retorted as nearly as he could in polite phrases. Then diplomatic relations were severed34; there was a brief but lively set-to with other than oral weapons, from which Corny came forth35 easily victor.
"Will you kindly38 open the door for me?" asked the lady. Corny assisted her to enter, and took off his hat. The escort was beginning to scramble39 up from the sidewalk.
"I beg your pardon, ma'am," said Corny, "if he's your man."
"He's no man of mine," said the lady. "Perhaps he—but there's no chance of his being now. Drive home, Michael. If you care to take this—with my thanks."
Three red roses were thrust out through the carriage window into Corny's hand. He took them, and the hand for an instant; and then the carriage sped away.
Corny gathered his foe's hat and began to brush the dust from his clothes.
"Come along," said Corny, taking the other man by the arm.
His late opponent was yet a little dazed by the hard knocks he had received. Corny led him carefully into a saloon three doors away.
"The drinks for us," said Corny, "me and my friend."
"You're a queer feller," said the lady's late escort—"lick a man and then want to set 'em up."
"You're my best friend," said Corny exultantly40. "You don't understand? Well, listen. You just put me wise to somethin'. I been playin' gent a long time, thinkin' it was just the glad rags I had and nothin' else. Say—you're a swell, ain't you? Well, you trot41 in that class, I guess. I don't; but I found out one thing—I'm a gentleman, by—and I know it now. What'll you have to drink?"
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1
mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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2
incognito
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| adv.匿名地；n.隐姓埋名；adj.化装的，用假名的，隐匿姓名身份的 | |
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3
primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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dwellers
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| n.居民，居住者( dweller的名词复数 ) | |
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6
solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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7
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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8
glean
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| v.收集(消息、资料、情报等) | |
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9
immediateness
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| 直接，立刻 | |
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10
specialty
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| n.(speciality)特性，特质；专业，专长 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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12
flicked
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| （尤指用手指或手快速地）轻击( flick的过去式和过去分词 )； （用…）轻挥； （快速地）按开关； 向…笑了一下（或瞥了一眼等） | |
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13
gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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14
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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languishing
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| a. 衰弱下去的 | |
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lobsters
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| 龙虾( lobster的名词复数 )； 龙虾肉 | |
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delectable
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| adj.使人愉快的；美味的 | |
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overtures
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| n.主动的表示，提议；（向某人做出的）友好表示、姿态或提议( overture的名词复数 )；（歌剧、芭蕾舞、音乐剧等的）序曲，前奏曲 | |
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lame
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| adj.跛的，(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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pretentious
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| adj.自命不凡的，自负的，炫耀的 | |
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28
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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attuned
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| v.使协调( attune的过去式和过去分词 )；调音 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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31
inveigled
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| v.诱骗，引诱( inveigle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
repartee
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| n.机敏的应答 | |
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33
eschewing
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| v.（尤指为道德或实际理由而）习惯性避开，回避( eschew的现在分词 ) | |
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34
severed
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| v.切断，断绝( sever的过去式和过去分词 )；断，裂 | |
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35
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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tardy
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| adj.缓慢的，迟缓的 | |
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solicitous
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| adj.热切的，挂念的 | |
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38
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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39
scramble
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| v.爬行，攀爬，杂乱蔓延，碎片，片段，废料 | |
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40
exultantly
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| adv.狂欢地，欢欣鼓舞地 | |
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41
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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