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WHAT MRS. WILKINS THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
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 Last year, travelling on the Underground Railway, I met a man; he was one of the saddest-looking men I had seen for years.  I used to know him well in the old days when we were journalists together.  I asked him, in a sympathetic tone, how things were going with him.  I expected his response would be a flood of tears, and that in the end I should have to fork out a fiver.  To my astonishment1, his answer was that things were going exceedingly well with him.  I did not want to say to him bluntly:
 
“Then what has happened to you to make you look like a mute at a temperance funeral?” I said:
 
“And how are all at home?”
 
I thought that if the trouble lay there he would take the opportunity.  It brightened him somewhat, the necessity of replying to the question.  It appeared that his wife was in the best of health.
 
“You remember her,” he continued with a smile; “wonderful spirits, always cheerful, nothing seems to put her out, not even—”
 
He ended the sentence abruptly2 with a sigh.
 
His mother-in-law, I learned from further talk with him, had died since I had last met him, and had left them a comfortable addition to their income.  His eldest3 daughter was engaged to be married.
 
“It is entirely4 a love match,” he explained, “and he is such a dear, good fellow, that I should not have made any objection even had he been poor.  But, of course, as it is, I am naturally all the more content.”
 
His eldest boy, having won the Mottle Scholarship, was going up to Cambridge in the Autumn.  His own health, he told me, had greatly improved; and a novel he had written in his leisure time promised to be one of the successes of the season.  Then it was that I spoke5 plainly.
 
“If I am opening a wound too painful to be touched,” I said, “tell me.  If, on the contrary, it is an ordinary sort of trouble upon which the sympathy of a fellow worker may fall as balm, let me hear it.”
 
“So far as I am concerned,” he replied, “I should be glad to tell you.  Speaking about it does me good, and may lead—so I am always in hopes—to an idea.  But, for your own sake, if you take my advice, you will not press me.”
 
“How can it affect me?” I asked, “it is nothing to do with me, is it?”
 
“It need have nothing to do with you,” he answered, “if you are sensible enough to keep out of it.  If I tell you: from this time onward6 it will be your trouble also.  Anyhow, that is what has happened in four other separate cases.  If you like to be the fifth and complete the half dozen of us, you are welcome.  But remember I have warned you.”
 
“What has it done to the other five?” I demanded.
 
“It has changed them from cheerful, companionable persons into gloomy one-idead bores,” he told me.  “They think of but one thing, they talk of but one thing, they dream of but one thing.  Instead of getting over it, as time goes on, it takes possession of them more and more.  There are men, of course, who would be unaffected by it—who could shake it off.  I warn you in particular against it, because, in spite of all that is said, I am convinced you have a sense of humour; and that being so, it will lay hold of you.  It will plague you night and day.  You see what it has made of me!  Three months ago a lady interviewer described me as of a sunny temperament7.  If you know your own business you will get out at the next station.”
 
I wish now I had followed his advice.  As it was, I allowed my curiosity to take possession of me, and begged him to explain.  And he did so.
 
“It was just about Christmas time,” he said.  “We were discussing the Drury Lane Pantomime—some three or four of us—in the smoking room of the Devonshire Club, and young Gold said he thought it would prove a mistake, the introduction of a subject like the Fiscal8 question into the story of Humpty Dumpty.  The two things, so far as he could see, had nothing to do with one another.  He added that he entertained a real regard for Mr. Dan Leno, whom he had once met on a steamboat, but that there were other topics upon which he would prefer to seek that gentleman’s guidance.  Nettleship, on the other hand, declared that he had no sympathy with the argument that artists should never intrude9 upon public affairs.  The actor was a fellow citizen with the rest of us.  He said that, whether one agreed with their conclusions or not, one must admit that the nation owed a debt of gratitude10 to Mrs. Brown Potter and to Miss Olga Nethersole for giving to it the benefit of their convictions.  He had talked to both ladies in private on the subject and was convinced they knew as much about it as did most people.
 
“Burnside, who was one of the party, contended that if sides were to be taken, a pantomime should surely advocate the Free-Food Cause, seeing it was a form of entertainment supposed to appeal primarily to the tastes of the Little Englander.  Then I came into the discussion.
 
“‘The Fiscal question,’ I said, ‘is on everybody’s tongue.  Such being the case, it is fit and proper it should be referred to in our annual pantomime, which has come to be regarded as a review of the year’s doings.  But it should not have been dealt with from the political standpoint.  The proper attitude to have assumed towards it was that of innocent raillery, free from all trace of partisanship11.’
 
“Old Johnson had strolled up and was standing12 behind us.
 
“‘The very thing I have been trying to get hold of for weeks,’ he said—‘a bright, amusing resumé of the whole problem that should give offence to neither side.  You know our paper,’ he continued; ‘we steer13 clear of politics, but, at the same time, try to be up-to-date; it is not always easy.  The treatment of the subject, on the lines you suggest, is just what we require.  I do wish you would write me something.’
 
“He is a good old sort, Johnson; it seemed an easy thing.  I said I would.  Since that time I have been thinking how to do it.  As a matter of fact, I have not thought of much else.  Maybe you can suggest something.”
 
I was feeling in a good working mood the next morning.
 
“Pilson,” said I to myself, “shall have the benefit of this.  He does not need anything boisterously14 funny.  A few playfully witty15 remarks on the subject will be the ideal.”
 
I lit a pipe and sat down to think.  At half-past twelve, having to write some letters before going out to lunch, I dismissed the Fiscal question from my mind.
 
But not for long.  It worried me all the afternoon.  I thought, maybe, something would come to me in the evening.  I wasted all that evening, and I wasted all the following morning.  Everything has its amusing side, I told myself.  One turns out comic stories about funerals, about weddings.  Hardly a misfortune that can happen to mankind but has produced its comic literature.  An American friend of mine once took a contract from the Editor of an Insurance Journal to write four humorous stories; one was to deal with an earthquake, the second with a cyclone16, the third with a flood, and the fourth with a thunderstorm.  And more amusing stories I have never read.  What is the matter with the Fiscal question?
 
I myself have written lightly on Bime-metallism.  Home Rule we used to be merry over in the eighties.  I remember one delightful17 evening at the Codgers’ Hall.  It would have been more delightful still, but for a raw-boned Irishman, who rose towards eleven o’clock and requested to be informed if any other speaker was wishful to make any more jokes on the subject of Ould Ireland; because, if so, the raw-boned gentleman was prepared to save time by waiting and dealing18 with them altogether.  But if not, then—so the raw-boned gentleman announced—his intention was to go for the last speaker and the last speaker but two at once and without further warning.
 
No other humourist rising, the raw-boned gentleman proceeded to make good his threat, with the result that the fun degenerated19 somewhat.  Even on the Boer War we used to whisper jokes to one another in quiet places.  In this Fiscal question there must be fun.  Where is it?
 
For days I thought of little else.  My laundress—as we call them in the Temple—noticed my trouble.
 
“Mrs. Wilkins,” I confessed, “I am trying to think of something innocently amusing to say on the Fiscal question.”
 
“I’ve ’eard about it,” she said, “but I don’t ’ave much time to read the papers.  They want to make us pay more for our food, don’t they?”
 
“For some of it,” I explained.  “But, then, we shall pay less for other things, so that really we shan’t be paying more at all.”
 
“There don’t seem much in it, either way,” was Mrs. Wilkins’ opinion.
 
“Just so,” I agreed, “that is the advantage of the system.  It will cost nobody anything, and will result in everybody being better off.”
 
“The pity is,” said Mrs. Wilkins “that pity nobody ever thought of it before.”
 
“The whole trouble hitherto,” I explained, “has been the foreigner.”
 
“Ah,” said Mrs. Wilkins, “I never ’eard much good of ’em, though they do say the Almighty20 ’as a use for almost everything.”
 
“These foreigners,” I continued, “these Germans and Americans, they dump things on us, you know.”
 
“What’s that?” demanded Mrs. Wilkins.
 
“What’s dump?  Well, it’s dumping, you know.  You take things, and you dump them down.”
 
“But what things?  ’Ow do they do it?” asked Mrs. Wilkins.
 
“Why, all sorts of things: pig iron, bacon, door-mats—everything.  They bring them over here—in ships, you understand—and then, if you please, just dump them down upon our shores.”
 
“You don’t mean surely to tell me that they just throw them out and leave them there?” queried21 Mrs. Wilkins.
 
“Of course not,” I replied; “when I say they dump these things upon our shores, that is a figure of speech.  What I mean is they sell them to us.”
 
“But why do we buy them if we don’t want them?” asked Mrs. Wilkins; “we’re not bound to buy them, are we?”
 
“It is their artfulness,” I explained, “these Germans and Americans, and the others; they are all just as bad as one another—they insist on selling us these things at less price than they cost to make.”
 
“It seems a bit silly of them, don’t it?” thought Mrs. Wilkins.  “I suppose being foreigners, poor things, they ain’t naturally got much sense.”
 
“It does seem silly of them, if you look at it that way,” I admitted, “but what we have got to consider is, the injury it is doing us.”
 
“Don’t see ’ow it can do us much ’arm,” argued Mrs. Wilkins; “seems a bit of luck so far as we are concerned.  There’s a few more things they’d be welcome to dump round my way.”
 
“I don’t seem to be putting this thing quite in the right light to you, Mrs. Wilkins,” I confessed.  “It is a long argument, and you might not be able to follow it; but you must take it as a fact now generally admitted that the cheaper you buy things the sooner your money goes.  By allowing the foreigner to sell us all these things at about half the cost price, he is getting richer every day, and we are getting poorer.  Unless we, as a country, insist on paying at least twenty per cent. more for everything we want, it is calculated that in a very few years England won’t have a penny left.”
 
“Sounds a bit topsy turvy,” suggested Mrs. Wilkins.
 
“It may sound so,” I answered, “but I fear there can be no doubt of it.  The Board of Trade Returns would seem to prove it conclusively22.”
 
“Well, God be praised, we’ve found it out in time,” ejaculated Mrs. Wilkins piously23.
 
“It is a matter of congratulation,” I agreed; “the difficulty is that a good many other people say that far from being ruined, we are doing very well indeed, and are growing richer every year.”
 
“But ’ow can they say that,” argued Mrs. Wilkins, “when, as you tell me, those Trade Returns prove just the opposite?”
 
“Well, they say the same, Mrs. Wilkins, that the Board of Trade Returns prove just the opposite.”
 
“Well, they can’t both be right,” said Mrs. Wilkins.
 
“You would be surprised, Mrs. Wilkins,” I said, “how many things can be proved from Board of Trade Returns!”
 
But I have not yet thought of that article for Pilson.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 astonishment VvjzR     
n.惊奇,惊异
参考例句:
  • They heard him give a loud shout of astonishment.他们听见他惊奇地大叫一声。
  • I was filled with astonishment at her strange action.我对她的奇怪举动不胜惊异。
2 abruptly iINyJ     
adv.突然地,出其不意地
参考例句:
  • He gestured abruptly for Virginia to get in the car.他粗鲁地示意弗吉尼亚上车。
  • I was abruptly notified that a half-hour speech was expected of me.我突然被通知要讲半个小时的话。
3 eldest bqkx6     
adj.最年长的,最年老的
参考例句:
  • The King's eldest son is the heir to the throne.国王的长子是王位的继承人。
  • The castle and the land are entailed on the eldest son.城堡和土地限定由长子继承。
4 entirely entirely     
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
  • His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。
5 spoke XryyC     
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说
参考例句:
  • They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
  • The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。
6 onward 2ImxI     
adj.向前的,前进的;adv.向前,前进,在先
参考例句:
  • The Yellow River surges onward like ten thousand horses galloping.黄河以万马奔腾之势滚滚向前。
  • He followed in the steps of forerunners and marched onward.他跟随着先辈的足迹前进。
7 temperament 7INzf     
n.气质,性格,性情
参考例句:
  • The analysis of what kind of temperament you possess is vital.分析一下你有什么样的气质是十分重要的。
  • Success often depends on temperament.成功常常取决于一个人的性格。
8 fiscal agbzf     
adj.财政的,会计的,国库的,国库岁入的
参考例句:
  • The increase of taxation is an important fiscal policy.增税是一项重要的财政政策。
  • The government has two basic strategies of fiscal policy available.政府有两个可行的财政政策基本战略。
9 intrude Lakzv     
vi.闯入;侵入;打扰,侵扰
参考例句:
  • I do not want to intrude if you are busy.如果你忙我就不打扰你了。
  • I don't want to intrude on your meeting.我不想打扰你们的会议。
10 gratitude p6wyS     
adj.感激,感谢
参考例句:
  • I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
  • She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。
11 Partisanship Partisanship     
n. 党派性, 党派偏见
参考例句:
  • Her violent partisanship was fighting Soames's battle. 她的激烈偏袒等于替索米斯卖气力。
  • There was a link of understanding between them, more important than affection or partisanship. ' 比起人间的感情,比起相同的政见,这一点都来得格外重要。 来自英汉文学
12 standing 2hCzgo     
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的
参考例句:
  • After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
  • They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。
13 steer 5u5w3     
vt.驾驶,为…操舵;引导;vi.驾驶
参考例句:
  • If you push the car, I'll steer it.如果你来推车,我就来驾车。
  • It's no use trying to steer the boy into a course of action that suits you.想说服这孩子按你的方式行事是徒劳的。
14 boisterously 19b3c18619ede9af3062a670f3d59e2b     
adv.喧闹地,吵闹地
参考例句:
  • They burst boisterously into the room. 他们吵吵嚷嚷地闯入房间。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
  • Drums and gongs were beating boisterously. 锣鼓敲打得很热闹。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
15 witty GMmz0     
adj.机智的,风趣的
参考例句:
  • Her witty remarks added a little salt to the conversation.她的妙语使谈话增添了一些风趣。
  • He scored a bull's-eye in their argument with that witty retort.在他们的辩论中他那一句机智的反驳击中了要害。
16 cyclone cy3x7     
n.旋风,龙卷风
参考例句:
  • An exceptionally violent cyclone hit the town last night.昨晚异常猛烈的旋风吹袭了那个小镇。
  • The cyclone brought misery to thousands of people.旋风给成千上万的人带来苦难。
17 delightful 6xzxT     
adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的
参考例句:
  • We had a delightful time by the seashore last Sunday.上星期天我们在海滨玩得真痛快。
  • Peter played a delightful melody on his flute.彼得用笛子吹奏了一支欢快的曲子。
18 dealing NvjzWP     
n.经商方法,待人态度
参考例句:
  • This store has an excellent reputation for fair dealing.该商店因买卖公道而享有极高的声誉。
  • His fair dealing earned our confidence.他的诚实的行为获得我们的信任。
19 degenerated 41e5137359bcc159984e1d58f1f76d16     
衰退,堕落,退化( degenerate的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • The march degenerated into a riot. 示威游行变成了暴动。
  • The wide paved road degenerated into a narrow bumpy track. 铺好的宽阔道路渐渐变窄,成了一条崎岖不平的小径。
20 almighty dzhz1h     
adj.全能的,万能的;很大的,很强的
参考例句:
  • Those rebels did not really challenge Gods almighty power.这些叛徒没有对上帝的全能力量表示怀疑。
  • It's almighty cold outside.外面冷得要命。
21 queried 5c2c5662d89da782d75e74125d6f6932     
v.质疑,对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 );询问
参考例句:
  • She queried what he said. 她对他说的话表示怀疑。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • \"What does he have to do?\" queried Chin dubiously. “他有什么心事?”琴向觉民问道,她的脸上现出疑惑不解的神情。 来自汉英文学 - 家(1-26) - 家(1-26)
22 conclusively NvVzwY     
adv.令人信服地,确凿地
参考例句:
  • All this proves conclusively that she couldn't have known the truth. 这一切无可置疑地证明她不可能知道真相。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • From the facts,he was able to determine conclusively that the death was not a suicide. 根据这些事实他断定这起死亡事件并非自杀。 来自《简明英汉词典》
23 piously RlYzat     
adv.虔诚地
参考例句:
  • Many pilgrims knelt piously at the shrine.许多朝圣者心虔意诚地在神殿跪拜。
  • The priests piously consecrated the robbery with a hymn.教士们虔诚地唱了一首赞美诗,把这劫夺行为神圣化了。


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