I was always willing to drink when any one was around. I drank by myself when no one was around. Then I made another step. When I had for guest a man of limited drinking calibre, I took two drinks to his one—one drink with him, the other drink without him and of which he did not know. I STOLE that other drink, and, worse than that, I began the habit of drinking alone when there was a guest, a man, a comrade, with whom I could have drunk. But John Barleycorn furnished the extenuation8. It was a wrong thing to trip a guest up with excess of hospitality and get him drunk. If I persuaded him, with his limited calibre, into drinking up with me, I'd surely get him drunk. What could I do but steal that every second drink, or else deny myself the kick equivalent to what he got out of half the number?
Please remember, as I recite this development of my drinking, that I am no fool, no weakling. As the world measures such things, I am a success—I dare to say a success more conspicuous9 than the success of the average successful man, and a success that required a pretty fair amount of brains and will power. My body is a strong body. It has survived where weaklings died like flies. And yet these things which I am relating happened to my body and to me. I am a fact. My drinking is a fact. My drinking is a thing that has happened, and is no theory nor speculation10; and, as I see it, it but lays the emphasis on the power of John Barleycorn—a savagery11 that we still permit to exist, a deadly institution that lingers from the mad old brutal12 days and that takes its heavy toll13 of youth and strength, and high spirit, and of very much of all of the best we breed.
To return. After a boisterous14 afternoon in the swimming pool, followed by a glorious ride on horseback over the mountains or up or down the Valley of the Moon, I found myself so keyed and splendid that I desired to be more highly keyed, to feel more splendid. I knew the way. A cocktail before supper was not the way. Two or three, at the very least, was what was needed. I took them. Why not? It was living. I had always dearly loved to live. This also became part of the daily schedule.
Then, too, I was perpetually finding excuses for extra cocktails. It might be the assembling of a particularly jolly crowd; a touch of anger against my architect or against a thieving stone-mason working on my barn; the death of my favourite horse in a barbed wire fence; or news of good fortune in the morning mail from my dealings with editors and publishers. It was immaterial what the excuse might be, once the desire had germinated15 in me. The thing was: I WANTED alcohol. At last, after a score and more of years of dallying16 and of not wanting, now I wanted it. And my strength was my weakness. I required two, three, or four drinks to get an effect commensurate with the effect the average man got out of one drink.
One rule I observed. I never took a drink until my day's work of writing a thousand words was done. And, when done, the cocktails reared a wall of inhibition in my brain between the day's work done and the rest of the day of fun to come. My work ceased from my consciousness. No thought of it flickered17 in my brain till next morning at nine o'clock when I sat at my desk and began my next thousand words. This was a desirable condition of mind to achieve. I conserved18 my energy by means of this alcoholic19 inhibition. John Barleycorn was not so black as he was painted. He did a fellow many a good turn, and this was one of them.
And I turned out work that was healthful, and wholesome20, and sincere. It was never pessimistic. The way to life I had learned in my long sickness. I knew the illusions were right, and I exalted21 the illusions. Oh, I still turn out the same sort of work, stuff that is clean, alive, optimistic, and that makes toward life. And I am always assured by the critics of my super-abundant and abounding22 vitality23, and of how thoroughly24 I am deluded25 by these very illusions I exploit.
And while on this digression, let me repeat the question I have repeated to myself ten thousand times. WHY DID I DRINK? What need was there for it? I was happy. Was it because I was too happy? I was strong. Was it because I was too strong? Did I possess too much vitality? I don't know why I drank. I cannot answer, though I can voice the suspicion that ever grows in me. I had been in too-familiar contact with John Barleycorn through too many years. A left-handed man, by long practice, can become a right-handed man. Had I, a non-alcoholic, by long practice become an alcoholic?
I was so happy. I had won through my long sickness to the satisfying love of woman. I earned more money with less endeavour. I glowed with health. I slept like a babe. I continued to write successful books, and in sociological controversy26 I saw my opponents confuted with the facts of the times that daily reared new buttresses27 to my intellectual position. From day's end to day's end I never knew sorrow, disappointment, nor regret. I was happy all the time. Life was one unending song. I begrudged28 the very hours of blessed sleep because by that much was I robbed of the joy that would have been mine had I remained awake. And yet I drank. And John Barleycorn, all unguessed by me, was setting the stage for a sickness all his own.
The more I drank the more I was required to drink to get an equivalent effect. When I left the Valley of the Moon, and went to the city, and dined out, a cocktail served at table was a wan5 and worthless thing. There was no pre-dinner kick in it. On my way to dinner I was compelled to accumulate the kick—two cocktails, three, and, if I met some fellows, four or five, or six, it didn't matter within several. Once, I was in a rush. I had no time decently to accumulate the several drinks. A brilliant idea came to me. I told the barkeeper to mix me a double cocktail. Thereafter, whenever I was in a hurry, I ordered double cocktails. It saved time.
One result of this regular heavy drinking was to jade29 me. My mind grew so accustomed to spring and liven by artificial means that without artificial means it refused to spring and liven. Alcohol became more and more imperative30 in order to meet people, in order to become sociably31 fit. I had to get the kick and the hit of the stuff, the crawl of the maggots, the genial32 brain glow, the laughter tickle, the touch of devilishness and sting, the smile over the face of things, ere I could join my fellows and make one with them.
Another result was that John Barleycorn was beginning to trip me up. He was thrusting my long sickness back upon me, inveigling33 me into again pursuing Truth and snatching her veils away from her, tricking me into looking reality stark34 in the face. But this came on gradually. My thoughts were growing harsh again, though they grew harsh slowly.
Sometimes warning thoughts crossed my mind. Where was this steady drinking leading? But trust John Barleycorn to silence such questions. "Come on and have a drink and I'll tell you all about it," is his way. And it works. For instance, the following is a case in point, and one which John Barleycorn never wearied of reminding me:
I had suffered an accident which required a ticklish35 operation. One morning, a week after I had come off the table, I lay on my hospital bed, weak and weary. The sunburn of my face, what little of it could be seen through a scraggly growth of beard, had faded to a sickly yellow. My doctor stood at my bedside on the verge36 of departure. He glared disapprovingly37 at the cigarette I was smoking.
"That's what you ought to quit," he lectured. "It will get you in the end. Look at me."
I looked. He was about my own age, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, eyes sparkling, and ruddy-cheeked with health. A finer specimen38 of manhood one would not ask.
"I used to smoke," he went on. "Cigars. But I gave even them up. And look at me."
The man was arrogant39, and rightly arrogant, with conscious well-being40. And within a month he was dead. It was no accident. Half a dozen different bugs42 of long scientific names had attacked and destroyed him. The complications were astonishing and painful, and for days before he died the screams of agony of that splendid manhood could be heard for a block around. He died screaming.
"You see," said John Barleycorn. "He took care of himself. He even stopped smoking cigars. And that's what he got for it. Pretty rotten, eh? But the bugs will jump. There's no forefending them. Your magnificent doctor took every precaution, yet they got him. When the bug41 jumps you can't tell where it will land. It may be you. Look what he missed. Will you miss all I can give you, only to have a bug jump on you and drag you down? There is no equity43 in life. It's all a lottery44. But I put the lying smile on the face of life and laugh at the facts. Smile with me and laugh. You'll get yours in the end, but in the meantime laugh. It's a pretty dark world. I illuminate45 it for you. It's a rotten world, when things can happen such as happened to your doctor. There's only one thing to do: take another drink and forget it."
And, of course, I took another drink for the inhibition that accompanied it. I took another drink every time John Barleycorn reminded me of what had happened. Yet I drank rationally, intelligently. I saw to it that the quality of the stuff was of the best. I sought the kick and the inhibition, and avoided the penalties of poor quality and of drunkenness. It is to be remarked, in passing, that when a man begins to drink rationally and intelligently that he betrays a grave symptom of how far along the road he has travelled.
But I continued to observe my rule of never taking my first drink of the day until the last word of my thousand words was written. On occasion, however, I took a day's vacation from my writing. At such times, since it was no violation46 of my rule, I didn't mind how early in the day I took that first drink. And persons who have never been through the drinking game wonder how the drinking habit grows!
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1
stimulus
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| n.刺激，刺激物，促进因素，引起兴奋的事物 | |
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cocktail
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| n.鸡尾酒；餐前开胃小吃；混合物 | |
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3
tickle
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| v.搔痒，胳肢；使高兴；发痒；n.搔痒，发痒 | |
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cocktails
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| n.鸡尾酒( cocktail的名词复数 )；餐前开胃菜；混合物 | |
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5
wan
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| (wide area network)广域网 | |
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6
decency
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| n.体面，得体，合宜，正派，庄重 | |
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7
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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8
extenuation
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| n.减轻罪孽的借口；酌情减轻；细 | |
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9
conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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savagery
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| n.野性 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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13
toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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14
boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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germinated
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| v.（使）发芽( germinate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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dallying
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| v.随随便便地对待( dally的现在分词 )；不很认真地考虑；浪费时间；调情 | |
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17
flickered
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| （通常指灯光）闪烁，摇曳( flicker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
conserved
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| v.保护，保藏，保存( conserve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
alcoholic
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| adj.（含）酒精的，由酒精引起的；n.酗酒者 | |
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wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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21
exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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22
abounding
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| adj.丰富的，大量的v.大量存在，充满，富于( abound的现在分词 ) | |
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23
vitality
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| n.活力，生命力，效力 | |
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24
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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deluded
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| v.欺骗，哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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controversy
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| n.争论，辩论，争吵 | |
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27
buttresses
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| n.扶壁，扶垛( buttress的名词复数 )v.用扶壁支撑，加固( buttress的第三人称单数 ) | |
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28
begrudged
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| 嫉妒( begrudge的过去式和过去分词 )； 勉强做； 不乐意地付出； 吝惜 | |
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29
jade
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| n.玉石；碧玉；翡翠 | |
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30
imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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31
sociably
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| adv.成群地 | |
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32
genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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33
inveigling
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| v.诱骗，引诱( inveigle的现在分词 ) | |
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stark
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| adj.荒凉的；严酷的；完全的；adv.完全地 | |
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35
ticklish
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| adj.怕痒的；问题棘手的；adv.怕痒地；n.怕痒，小心处理 | |
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36
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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disapprovingly
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| adv.不以为然地，不赞成地，非难地 | |
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38
specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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39
arrogant
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| adj.傲慢的，自大的 | |
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40
well-being
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| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
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41
bug
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| n.虫子；故障；窃听器；vt.纠缠；装窃听器 | |
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42
bugs
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| adj.疯狂的，发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 )；病菌；虫子；[计算机]（制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的）错误 | |
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43
equity
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| n.公正，公平，（无固定利息的）股票 | |
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44
lottery
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| n.抽彩；碰运气的事，难于算计的事 | |
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45
illuminate
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| vt.照亮，照明；用灯光装饰；说明，阐释 | |
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46
violation
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| n.违反(行为)，违背(行为)，侵犯 | |
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