XV. The Perplexity Column as Done by the Jaded Journalist

 (All questions written out legibly with the name and address of the sender and accompanied by one dollar, answered immediately and without charge.)

 

Harvard Student asks:

 

Can you tell me the date at which, or on which, Oliver Cromwell’s father died?

 

Answer: No, I can’t.

 

Student of Mathematics asks:

 

Will you kindly¹ settle a matter involving a wager² between myself and a friend? A. bet B. that a pedestrian in walking downhill over a given space and alternately stepping with either foot, covers more ground than a man coasting over the same road on a bicycle. Which of us wins?

 

Answer: I don’t understand the question, and I don’t know which of you is A.

 

Chess-player asks:

 

Is the Knight’s gambit recognized now as a permissible³ opening in chess?

 

Answer: I don’t play chess.

 

Reuben Boob asks:

 

For some time past I have been calling upon a young lady friend at her house evenings and going out with her to friends’ nights. I should like to know if it would be all right to ask to take her alone with me to the theatre?

 

Answer: Certainly not. This column is very strict about these things. Not alone. Not for a moment. It is better taste to bring your father with you.

 

Auction⁴ asks:

 

In playing bridge please tell me whether the third or the second player ought to discard from weakness on a long suit when trumps⁵ have been twice round and the lead is with dummy⁶.

 

Answer: Certainly.

 

Lady of Society asks:

 

Can you tell me whether the widow of a marquis is entitled to go in to dinner before the eldest⁷ daughter of an earl?

 

Answer: Ha! ha! This is a thing we know—something that we do know. You put your foot in it when you asked us that. We have lived this sort of thing too long ever to make any error. The widow of a marquis, whom you should by rights call a marchioness dowager (but we overlook it—you meant no harm) is entitled (in any hotel that we know or frequent) to go in to dinner whenever, and as often, as she likes. On a dining-car the rule is the other way.

 

Vassar Girl asks:

 

What is the date of the birth of Caracalla?

 

Answer: I couldn’t say.

 

Lexicographer⁸ asks:

 

Can you tell me the proper way to spell “dog”?

 

Answer: Certainly. “Dog” should be spelt, properly and precisely⁹, “dog.” When it is used in the sense to mean not “a dog” or “one dog” but two or more dogs—in other words what we grammarians are accustomed to call the plural—it is proper to add to it the diphthong, s, pronounced with a hiss¹⁰ like z in soup.

 

But for all these questions of spelling your best plan is to buy a copy of Our Standard Dictionary, published in ten volumes, by this newspaper, at forty dollars.

 

Ignoramus asks:

 

Can you tell me how to spell “cat”?

 

Answer: Didn’t you hear what we just said about how to spell “dog”? Buy the Dictionary.

 

Careworn¹¹ Mother asks:

 

I am most anxious to find out the relation of the earth’s diameter to its circumference¹². Can you, or any of your readers, assist me in it?

 

Answer: The earth’s circumference is estimated to be three decimal one four one five nine of its diameter, a fixed¹³ relation indicated by the Greek letter pi. If you like we will tell you what pi is. Shall we?

 

“Brink of Suicide” writes:

 

Can you, will you, tell me what is the Sanjak of Novi Bazar?

 

Answer. The Sanjak of Novi Bazar is bounded on the north by its northern frontier, cold and cheerless, and covered during the winter with deep snow. The east of the Sanjak occupies a more easterly position. Here the sun rises—at first slowly, but gathering¹⁴ speed as it goes. After having traversed the entire width of the whole Sanjak, the magnificent orb¹⁵, slowly and regretfully, sinks into the west. On the south, where the soil is more fertile and where the land begins to be worth occupying, the Sanjak is, or will be, bounded by the British Empire.

 

 

1 kindly   

adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地

参考例句：

• Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
• A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。

2 wager   

n.赌注；vt.押注，打赌

参考例句：

• They laid a wager on the result of the race.他们以竞赛的结果打赌。
• I made a wager that our team would win.我打赌我们的队会赢。

3 permissible   

adj.可允许的，许可的

参考例句：

• Is smoking permissible in the theatre?在剧院里允许吸烟吗？
• Delay is not permissible,even for a single day.不得延误，即使一日亦不可。

4 auction   

n.拍卖；拍卖会；vt.拍卖

参考例句：

• They've put the contents of their house up for auction.他们把房子里的东西全都拿去拍卖了。
• They bought a new minibus with the proceeds from the auction.他们用拍卖得来的钱买了一辆新面包车。

5 trumps   

abbr.trumpets 喇叭；小号；喇叭形状的东西；喇叭筒v.（牌戏）出王牌赢（一牌或一墩）( trump的过去式 )；吹号公告，吹号庆祝；吹喇叭；捏造

参考例句：

• On the day of the match the team turned up trumps. 比赛那天该队出乎意料地获得胜利。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Every time John is late getting home he trumps up some new excuse. 每次约翰晚回家都会编造个新借口。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 dummy   

n.假的东西；(哄婴儿的)橡皮奶头

参考例句：

• The police suspect that the device is not a real bomb but a dummy.警方怀疑那个装置不是真炸弹，只是一个假货。
• The boys played soldier with dummy swords made of wood.男孩们用木头做的假木剑玩打仗游戏。

7 eldest   

adj.最年长的，最年老的

参考例句：

• The King's eldest son is the heir to the throne.国王的长子是王位的继承人。
• The castle and the land are entailed on the eldest son.城堡和土地限定由长子继承。

8 lexicographer   

n.辞典编纂人

参考例句：

• A lexicographer's job is to describe the language.词典编纂者的工作就是对语言加以描述。
• The lexicographer knew that the English lexis was changing. 字典编纂者知道英语词汇在不断变化。

9 precisely   

adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地

参考例句：

• It's precisely that sort of slick sales-talk that I mistrust.我不相信的正是那种油腔滑调的推销宣传。
• The man adjusted very precisely.那个人调得很准。

10 hiss   

v.发出嘶嘶声；发嘘声表示不满

参考例句：

• We can hear the hiss of air escaping from a tire.我们能听到一只轮胎的嘶嘶漏气声。
• Don't hiss at the speaker.不要嘘演讲人。

11 careworn   

adj.疲倦的，饱经忧患的

参考例句：

• It's sad to see the careworn face of the mother of a large poor family.看到那贫穷的一大家子的母亲忧劳憔悴的脸庞心里真是难受。
• The old woman had a careworn look on her face.老妇脸上露出忧心忡忡的神色。

12 circumference   

n.圆周，周长，圆周线

参考例句：

• It's a mile round the circumference of the field.运动场周长一英里。
• The diameter and the circumference of a circle correlate.圆的直径与圆周有相互关系。

13 fixed   

adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的

参考例句：

• Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗？
• Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定，我们就不应该随意改变。

14 gathering   

n.集会，聚会，聚集

参考例句：

• He called on Mr. White to speak at the gathering.他请怀特先生在集会上讲话。
• He is on the wing gathering material for his novels.他正忙于为他的小说收集资料。

15 orb   

n.太阳；星球；v.弄圆；成球形

参考例句：

• The blue heaven,holding its one golden orb,poured down a crystal wash of warm light.蓝蓝的天空托着金色的太阳，洒下一片水晶般明亮温暖的光辉。
• It is an emanation from the distant orb of immortal light.它是从远处那个发出不灭之光的天体上放射出来的。