I see you go,
I see your feet that bleed,
My heart bleeds too.
I, who would give my very soul for you,
What can I do?
I cannot help your need.
That first evening was one of many others, all on very much the same pattern. David Blake would come in, after tea, or after dinner, sit for an hour in almost total silence, and then go away again. Every time that he came, Elizabeth’s heart sank a little lower. This change, this obscuring of the man she loved, was an unreality, but how some unrealities have power to hurt us.
December brought extra work to the Market Harford doctors. There was an epidemic1 of measles2 amongst the children, combined with one of influenza3 amongst their elders. David Blake stood the extra strain but ill. He was slipping steadily4 down the hill. His day’s work followed only too often upon a broken or sleepless5 night, and to get through what had to be done, or to secure some measure of sleep, he had recourse more and more frequently to stimulant6. If no patient of his ever saw him the worse for drink, he was none the less constantly under its influence. If it did not intoxicate7 him, he came to rely upon its stimulus8, and to distrust his unaided strength. He could no longer count upon his nerve, and the fear of all that nerve failure may involve haunted him continually and drove him down.
“Look here, Blake, you want a change. Why don’t you go away?” said Tom Skeffington. It was a late January evening, and he had dropped in for a smoke and a chat. “The press of work is over now, and I could very well manage the lot for a fortnight or three weeks. Will you go?”
“No, I won’t,” said David shortly.
Young Skeffington paused. It was not much after six in the evening, and David’s face was flushed, his hand unsteady.
“Look here, Blake,” he said, and then stopped, because David was staring at him out of eyes that had suddenly grown suspicious.
“Well?” said David, still staring.
“Well, I should go away if I were you—go to Switzerland, do some winter sports. Get a thorough change. Come back yourself again.”
There was ever so slight an emphasis on the last few words, and David flashed into sudden anger.
“Mind your own business, and be damned to you, Skeffington,” he cried.
“Oh, certainly,” he said, and made haste to be gone.
Blake in this mood was quite impracticable. He had no mind for a scene.
David sat on, with a tumbler at his elbow. So they wanted him out of the way. That was the third person who had told him he needed a change—the third in one week. Edward was one, and old Dr. Bull, and now Skeffington. Yes, of course, Skeffington would like him out of the way, so as to get all the practice into his own hands. Edward too. Was it this morning, or yesterday morning, that Edward had asked him when he was going to take a holiday? Now he came to think of it, it was yesterday morning. And he supposed that Edward wanted him out of the way too. Perhaps he went too often to Edward’s house. David began to get angry. Edward was an ungrateful hound. “Damned ungrateful,” said David’s muddled10 brain. The idea of going to see Mary began to present itself to him. If Edward did not like it, Edward could lump it. He had been told to come whenever he liked. Very well, he liked now. Why shouldn’t he?
He got up and went out into the cold. Then, when he was half-way up the High Street he remembered that Edward had gone away for a couple of days. It occurred to him as a very agreeable circumstance. Mary would be alone, and they would have a pleasant, friendly time together. Mary would sit in the rosy11 light and play to him, not to Edward, and sing in that small sweet voice of hers—not to Edward, but to him.
It was a cold, crisp night, and the frosty air heightened the effect of the stimulant which he had taken. He had left his own house flushed, irritable12, and warm, but he arrived at the Mottisfonts’ as unmistakably drunk as a man may be who is still upon his legs.
He brushed past Markham in the hall before she had time to do more than notice that his manner was rather odd, and she called after him that Mrs. Mottisfont was in the drawing-room.
David went up the stairs walking quite steadily, but his brain, under the influence of one idea, appeared to work in a manner entirely13 divorced from any volition14 of his.
Mary was sitting before the fire, in the rosy glow of his imagining. She wore a dim purple gown, with a border of soft dark fur. A book lay upon her lap, but she was not reading. Her head, with its dark curls, rested against the rose-patterned chintz of the chair. Her skin was as white as a white rose leaf. Her lips as softly red as real red roses. A little amethyst15 heart hung low upon her bosom16 and caught the light. There was a bunch of violets at her waist. The room was sweet with them.
Mary looked up half startled as David Blake came in. He shut the door behind him, with a push, and she was startled outright17 when she saw his face. He looked at her with glazed18 eyes, and smiled a meaningless and foolish smile.
“Edward is out,” said Mary, “he is away.” And then she wished that she had said anything else. She looked at the bell, and wondered where Elizabeth was. Elizabeth had said something about going out—one of her sick people.
“Yes—out,” said David, still smiling. “That’s why I’ve come. He’s out—Edward’s out—gone away. You’ll play to me—not to Edward—to-night. You’ll sit in this nice pink light and—play to me, won’t you—Mary dear?” The words slipped into one another, tripped, jostled, and came with a run.
David advanced across the room, moving with caution, and putting each foot down slowly and carefully. His irritability19 had vanished. He felt instead a pleasant sense of warmth and satisfaction. He let himself sink into a chair and gazed at Mary.
“Le’s sit down—and have nice long talk,” he said in an odd, thick voice; “we haven’t had—nice long talk—for months. Le’s talk now.”
Mary began to tremble. Except in the streets, she had never seen a man drunk before, and even in the streets, passing by on the other side of the road, under safe protection, and with head averted20, she had felt sick and terrified. What she felt now she hardly knew. She looked at the bell. She would have to pass quite close to David before she could reach it. Elizabeth—she might ring and ask if Elizabeth had come in. Yes, she might do that. She made a step forward, but as she reached to touch the bell, David leaned sideways, with a sudden heavy jerk, and caught her by the wrist.
“What’s that for?” he asked.
Suspicion roused in him again, and he frowned as he spoke21. His face was very red, and his eyes looked black. Mary had cried out, when he caught her wrist. Now, as he continued to hold it, she stared at him in helpless silence. Then quite suddenly she burst into hysterical22 tears.
“Let me go—oh, let me go! Go away, you’re not fit to be here! You’re drunk. Let me go at once! How dare you?”
David continued to hold her wrist, not of any set purpose, but stupidly. He seemed to have forgotten to let it go. The heat and pressure of his hand, his slow vacant stare, terrified Mary out of all self-control. She tried to pull her hand away, and as David’s clasp tightened23, and she felt her own helplessness, she screamed aloud, and almost as she did so the door opened sharply and Elizabeth Chantrey came into the room. She wore a long green coat, and dark furs, and her colour was bright and clear with exercise. For one startled second she stood just inside the room, with her hand upon the door. Then, as she made a step forward, David relaxed his grasp, and Mary, wrenching24 her hand away, ran sobbing25 to meet her sister.
“Oh, Liz! Oh, Liz!” she cried.
Elizabeth was cold to the very heart. David’s face—the heavy, animal look upon it—and Mary’s frightened pallor, the terror in her eyes. What had happened?
She caught Mary by the arm.
“What is it?”
“He held me—he wouldn’t let me go. He caught my wrist when I was going to ring the bell, and held it. Make him go away, Liz.”
Elizabeth drew a long breath of relief. She scarcely knew what she had feared, but she felt suddenly as if an intolerable weight had been lifted from her mind. The removal of this weight set her free to think and act.
“Molly, hush27! Do you hear me, hush! Pull yourself together! Do you know I heard you scream half-way up the stairs? Do you want the servants to hear too?”
She spoke in low, rapid tones, and Mary caught her breath like a child.
“But he’s tipsy, Liz. Oh, Liz, make him go away,” she whispered.
David had got upon his feet. He was looking at the two women with a puzzled frown.
“I wonder you’re not ashamed,” she said in rather a trembling voice. “I do wonder you’re not—and will you please go away at once, or do you want the servants to come in, and every one to know how disgracefully you have behaved?”
“Molly, hush!” said Elizabeth again.
Her own colour died away, leaving her very pale. Her eyes were fixed29 on David with a look between pity and appeal. She left Mary and went to him.
“David,” she said, putting her hand on his arm, “won’t you go home now? It’s getting late. It’s nearly dinner time, and I’m afraid we can’t ask you to stay to-night.”
Something in her manner sobered David a little. Mary had screamed—why? What had he said to her—or done? She was angry. Why? Why did Elizabeth look at him like that? His mind was very much confused. Amid the confusion an idea presented itself to him. They thought that he was drunk. Well, he would show them, he would show them that he was not drunk. He stood for a moment endeavouring to bring the confusion of his brain into something like order. Then without a word he walked past Mary, and out of the room, walking quite steadily because a sober man walks steadily and he had to show them that he was sober.
Mary stood by the door listening. “Liz,” she whispered, “he hasn’t gone down-stairs.” Her terror returned. “Oh, what is he doing? He has gone down the passage to Edward’s room. Oh, do you think he’s safe? Liz, ring the bell—do ring the bell.”
Elizabeth shook her head. She came forward and put her hand on Mary’s shoulder.
“No, Molly, it’s all right,” she said. She, too, listened, but Mary broke in on the silence with half a sob26.
“You don’t know how he frightened me. You don’t know how dreadful he was—like a great stupid animal. Oh, I don’t know how he dared to come to me like that. And my wrist aches still, it does, indeed. Oh! Liz, he’s coming back.”
They heard his steps coming along the passage, heavy, deliberate steps. Mary moved quickly away from the door, but Elizabeth stood still, and David Blake touched her dress as he came back into the room and shut the door behind him. His hair was wet from a liberal application of cold water. His face was less flushed and his eyes had lost the vacant look. He was obviously making a very great effort, and as obviously Mary had no intention of responding to it. She stood and looked at him, and ceased to be afraid. This was not the stranger who had frightened her. This was David Blake again, the man whom she could play upon, and control. The fright in her eyes gave place to a dancing spark of anger.
“Will you please go?”
“Mary——”
“If you want to apologise you can do so later—when you are fit,” said Mary, her brows arched over very scornful eyes.
David was still making a great effort at self-control. He had turned quite white, and his eyes had rather a dazed look.
“Mary, don’t,” he said, and there was so much pain in his voice that Elizabeth made a half step towards him, and then stopped, because it was not any comfort of hers that he desired.
Mary’s temper was up, and she was not to be checked. She meant to have her say, and if it hurt David, why, so much the better. He had given her a most dreadful fright, and he deserved to be hurt. It would be very good for him. Anger reinforced by a high moral motive31 is indeed a potent32 weapon. Mary wielded33 it unmercifully.
“Don’t—don’t,” she said. “Oh, of course not. You behave disgracefully—you take advantage of Edward’s being away—you come here drunk—and I’m not to say a word——”
Her eyes sparkled, and her head was high. She gave a little angry laugh, and turned towards the bell.
“Will you go, please, or must I ring for Markham?”
At her movement, and the sound of her laughter, David’s self-control gave way, suddenly and completely. The blood rushed violently to his head. He took a long step towards her, and she stopped where she was in sheer terror.
“You laugh,” he said, in a low tone of concentrated passion—“you laugh——”
Then his voice leaped into fury. “I’ve sold my soul for you, and you laugh. I’m in hell for you, and you laugh. I’m drunk, and you laugh. My God, for that at least you shall never laugh at me again. By God, you shan’t——”
He stood over her for a moment, looking down on her with terrible eyes. Then he turned and went stumbling to the door, and so out, and, in the dead silence that followed, they heard the heavy front door swing to behind him.
Mary was clinging to a chair.
“Oh, Liz,” she whispered faintly, but Elizabeth turned and went out of the room without a single word.
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1
epidemic
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| n.流行病；盛行；adj.流行性的，流传极广的 | |
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2
measles
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| n.麻疹，风疹，包虫病，痧子 | |
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3
influenza
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| n.流行性感冒，流感 | |
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4
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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5
sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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6
stimulant
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| n.刺激物，兴奋剂 | |
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7
intoxicate
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| vt.使喝醉，使陶醉，使欣喜若狂 | |
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8
stimulus
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| n.刺激，刺激物，促进因素，引起兴奋的事物 | |
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9
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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10
muddled
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| adj.混乱的；糊涂的；头脑昏昏然的v.弄乱，弄糟( muddle的过去式)；使糊涂；对付，混日子 | |
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11
rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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12
irritable
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| adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的 | |
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13
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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14
volition
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| n.意志；决意 | |
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15
amethyst
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| n.紫水晶 | |
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16
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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17
outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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18
glazed
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| adj.光滑的，像玻璃的；上过釉的；呆滞无神的v.装玻璃( glaze的过去式)；上釉于，上光；（目光）变得呆滞无神 | |
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19
irritability
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| n.易怒 | |
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20
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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21
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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22
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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23
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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24
wrenching
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| n.修截苗根，苗木铲根（铲根时苗木不起土或部分起土）v.（猛力地）扭( wrench的现在分词 )；扭伤；使感到痛苦；使悲痛 | |
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25
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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26
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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27
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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28
spurt
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| v.喷出；突然进发；突然兴隆 | |
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29
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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30
winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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32
potent
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| adj.强有力的，有权势的；有效力的 | |
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33
wielded
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| 手持着使用（武器、工具等）( wield的过去式和过去分词 )； 具有； 运用（权力）； 施加（影响） | |
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