During the long, quiet journey she had thought incessantly8 of the horrible thing that had happened to her. She could not understand herself. It was so unexpected. What was it that had seized her, so that, despising him, despising him with all her heart, she had yielded passionately9 to Charlie's foul10 embrace? Rage filled her and disgust of herself obsessed11 her. She felt that she could never forget her humiliation12. She wept. But as the distance from Tching-Yen increased she found that she was insensibly losing the vividness of her resentment13. What had happened seemed to have happened in another world. She was like a person who has been stricken with sudden madness and recovering is distressed14 and ashamed at the grotesque15 things he vaguely16 remembers to have done when he was not himself. But because he knows he was not himself he feels that in his own eyes at least he can claim indulgence. Kitty thought that perhaps a generous heart might pity rather than condemn17 her. But she sighed as she thought how woefully her self-confidence had been shattered. The way had seemed to stretch before her straight and easy and now she saw that it was a tortuous18 way and that pitfalls19 awaited her. The vast spaces and the tragic20 and beautiful sunsets of the Indian Ocean rested her. She seemed borne then to some country where she might in freedom possess her soul. If she could only regain21 her self-respect at the cost of a bitter conflict, well, she must find the courage to affront22 it.
The future was lonely and difficult. At Port Said she had received a letter from her mother in answer to her cable. It was a long letter written in the large and fanciful writing which was taught to young ladies in her mother's youth. Its ornateness was so neat that it gave you an impression of insincerity. Mrs. Garstin expressed her regret at Walter's death and sympathised properly with her daughter's grief. She feared that Kitty was left inadequately23 provided for, but naturally the Colonial Office would give her a pension. She was glad to know that Kitty was coming back to England and of course she must come and stay with her father and mother till her child was born. Then followed certain instructions that Kitty must be sure to follow and various details of her sister Doris's confinement24. The little boy weighed so and so much and his paternal25 grandfather said he had never seen a finer child. Doris was expecting again and they hoped for another boy in order to make the succession to the baronetcy quite sure.
Kitty saw that the point of the letter lay in the definite date set for the invitation. Mrs. Garstin had no intention of being saddled with a widowed daughter in modest circumstances. It was singular, when she reflected how her mother had idolised her, that now, disappointed in her, she found her merely a nuisance. How strange was the relation between parents and children! When they were small the parents doted on them, passed through agonies of apprehension26 at each childish ailment27, and the children clung to their parents with love and adoration28; a few years passed, the children grew up, and persons not of their kin1 were more important to their happiness than father or mother. Indifference29 displaced the blind and instinctive30 love of the past. Their meetings were a source of boredom31 and irritation32. Distracted once at the thought of a month's separation they were able now to look forward with equanimity33 to being parted for years. Her mother need not worry: as soon as she could she would make herself a home of her own. But she must have a little time; at present everything was vague and she could not form any picture of the future: perhaps she would die at childbirth; that would be a solution of many difficulties.
But when they docked two letters were handed to her. She was surprised to recognise her father's writing: she did not remember that he had ever written to her. He was not effusive34, and began: dear Kitty. He told her that he was writing instead of her mother who had not been well and was obliged to go into a nursing home to have an operation. Kitty was not to be frightened and was to keep to her intention of going round by sea; it was much more expensive to come across by land and with her mother away it would be inconvenient35 for Kitty to stay at the house in Harrington Gardens. The other was from Doris; it started: Kitty darling, not because Doris had any particular affection for her, but because it was her way thus to address every one she knew.
Kitty darling,
I expect Father has written to you. Mother has got to have an operation. It appears that she has been rotten for the last year, but you know she hates doctors and she's been taking all sorts of patent medicines. I don't quite know what's the matter with her as she insists on making a secret of the whole thing and flies into a passion if you ask her questions. She has been looking simply awful and if I were you I think I'd get off at Marseilles and come back as quick as you can. But don't let on that I told you to come as she pretends there's nothing much the matter with her and she doesn't want you to get here till she's back at home. She's made the doctors promise that she shall be moved in a week. Best love.
Doris.
I'm awfully36 sorry about Walter. You must have had a hell of a time, poor darling. I'm simply dying to see you. It's rather funny our both having babies together. We shall be able to hold one another's hands.
Kitty lost in reflection, stood for a little while on the deck. She could not imagine her mother ill. She never remembered to have seen her other than active and resolute37; she had always been impatient of other people's ailments38. Then a steward39 came up to her with a telegram.
Deeply regret to inform you that your mother died this morning. Father.
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1
kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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2
rugged
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| adj.高低不平的，粗糙的，粗壮的，强健的 | |
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virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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4
mariner
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| n.水手号不载人航天探测器，海员，航海者 | |
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5
allay
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| v.消除，减轻(恐惧、怀疑等) | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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7
supplication
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| n.恳求，祈愿，哀求 | |
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8
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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9
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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10
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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11
obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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12
humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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16
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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17
condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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18
tortuous
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| adj.弯弯曲曲的，蜿蜒的 | |
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19
pitfalls
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| （捕猎野兽用的）陷阱( pitfall的名词复数 )； 意想不到的困难，易犯的错误 | |
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20
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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21
regain
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| vt.重新获得，收复，恢复 | |
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22
affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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23
inadequately
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| ad.不够地；不够好地 | |
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24
confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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25
paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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26
apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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27
ailment
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| n.疾病，小病 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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29
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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30
instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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31
boredom
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| n.厌烦，厌倦，乏味，无聊 | |
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32
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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33
equanimity
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| n.沉着，镇定 | |
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34
effusive
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| adj.热情洋溢的；感情(过多)流露的 | |
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35
inconvenient
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| adj.不方便的，令人感到麻烦的 | |
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36
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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37
resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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38
ailments
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| 疾病（尤指慢性病），不适( ailment的名词复数 ) | |
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steward
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| n.乘务员，服务员；看管人；膳食管理员 | |
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