The family held on to Edgar, but not forcibly. On the contrary, they led him with an air of suppressed triumph into the front room. And how odd it was that he did not mind their reproaches, because he saw happiness and love in their eyes. And even their assumed anger lasted only a second or two. His grandmother was embracing him again tearfully, no one spoke4 of his bad conduct, and he felt the wondrousness5 of the protection surrounding him.
The maid took off his coat and brought him a warmer one, and his grandmother asked if he did not want something to eat. They pestered6 him with their inquiries7 and their tenderness, but stopped questioning him when they noticed how embarrassed he was. He experienced deliciously the sensation that he had so despised before of being wholly a child, and he was ashamed of his arrogance8 of the last few days when he had wanted to dispense9 with it all and exchange it for the deceptive10 joy of solitariness11.
The telephone rang in the next room. He heard his mother’s voice in snatches, “Edgar—back. Got here—last train,” and he marvelled12 that she had not flown at him in a passion. She had put her arms round him, with a peculiarly constrained14 expression in her eyes.
He began to regret his conduct more and more, and he would have liked to extricate15 himself from his grandmother’s and aunt’s tenderness, to run to his mother and beg her pardon and tell her, by herself, oh, so humbly16, that he wanted to be a child again and obey her. But when he rose, with a perfectly17 gentle movement, his grandmother asked in alarm where he was going. He felt ashamed. If he made a single step it frightened them. He had frightened them all terribly, and they were afraid he was going to run away again. How could he make them understand that nobody regretted his flight more than he did?
The table was set, supper had been prepared for him hurriedly. His grandmother sat beside him without removing her eyes from him. She and his aunt and the maid held him fast in a quiet circle, the warmth of which calmed him wonderfully, and the only disturbing thought was that of his mother’s absence from the room. If only she could have guessed how humble18 he was she would certainly have come in.
From outside came the sound of a cab drawing up at the door. Everyone gave a start, so that Edgar also was upset. His grandmother went out, he could hear loud voices in the hall, and then it struck him it must be his father who had arrived. He observed timidly that he had been left alone in the room. To be alone even for those few moments made him nervous. His father was a stern man; he was the one person Edgar really feared. He listened. His father seemed to be excited; his voice was loud and expressed annoyance19. Every now and then came his grandmother’s and his mother’s voices in mollifying tones, in attempts, evidently, to make him adopt a milder attitude. But his father’s voice remained hard—hard as his foot-treads now coming nearer and nearer, and now stopping short at the door, which was next pulled violently open.
The boy’s father was a large man, and Edgar felt so very, very thin beside him as he entered the room, nervous and genuinely angry, it seemed.
“What got into your head to run away? How could you give your mother such a fright?” His voice was wrathful and his hands made a wild movement.
Edgar’s mother came in and stood behind her husband, her face in shadow.
Edgar made no reply. He felt he had to justify21 himself, but how tell the story of the way they had lied to him and how his mother had slapped him? Would his father understand?
“Well, where’s your tongue? What was the matter? You may tell me, you needn’t be afraid. You must have had some good reason for running away. Did anyone do anything to you?”
Edgar hesitated. At the recollection of the events in Summering, his anger began to flare22 up again, and he was about to bring his charge against his mother when he saw—his heart stood still—that she was making an odd gesture behind his father’s back. At first he did not comprehend. But he kept his eyes fixed23 on her and noticed that the expression of her face was beseeching24. Then very, very softly she lifted her finger to her mouth in sign that he should keep everything to himself.
The child was conscious of a great wild joy pouring in a warm wave over his whole body. He knew she was giving him the secret to guard and that a human destiny was hanging in the balance on his child’s lips. Filled with a jubilant pride that she reposed25 confidence in him he suddenly became possessed26 by a desire for self-sacrifice. He magnified his own wrong-doing in order to show how much of a man he had grown to be. Collecting his wits, he said:
“No, no. There was no good reason for my running away. Mamma was very kind to me, but I didn’t behave myself, and I was ashamed, and so—and so I ran away.”
The father looked at his son in amazement27. Such a confession28 was the last thing he expected to hear. His wrath20 was disarmed29.
“Well, if you’re sorry, then it’s all right, and we won’t say any more about it to-day. You’ll be careful in the future, though, not to do anything of the sort again.” He paused and looked at Edgar, and his voice was milder as he went on. “How pale you are, boy! But I believe you’ve grown taller in this short while. I hope you won’t be guilty of such childish behavior again because really you’re not a child any more, and you ought to be sensible.”
Edgar, the whole time, had kept looking at his mother. Something peculiar13 seemed to be glowing in her eyes, or was it the reflection of the light? No, it was something new, her eyes were moist, and there was a smile on her lips that said “Thank you” to him.
They sent him to bed, but he was not now distressed30 at being left alone. He had such a wealth of things to think over. All the agony of the past days was dissipated by the tremendous sense of his first experience of life. He felt happy in a mysterious presentiment31 of future experiences. Outside, the trees were rustling32 in the gloomy night, but he was not scared. He had lost all impatience33 at having to wait for life now that he knew how rich it was. For the first time that day, it seemed to him, he had seen life naked, no longer veiled behind the thousand lies of childhood he saw it in its complete, fearful, voluptuous34 beauty. Never had he supposed that days could be crowded so full of transitions from sorrow to joy and back again, and it made him happy to think there were many more such days in store for him and that a whole life was waiting to reveal its mystery to him. A first inkling had come to him of the diversity of life. For the first time, he thought, he understood men’s beings, that they heeded35 each other even when they seemed to be inimical, and that it was very sweet to be loved by them. He was incapable36 of thinking of anything or anybody with hate. He regretted nothing and had a sense of gratitude37 even to the baron38, his bitterest enemy, because it was he who had opened the door for him to this world of dawning emotions.
It was very sweet to be lying in the dark thinking thoughts that were mingled39 vaguely40 with dreams and were lapsing41 almost into sleep.
Was it a dream or did Edgar really hear the door open and someone creep softly into his room? He was too sleepy to open his eyes and look. Then he felt a breath upon his face and the touch of another face, soft and warm and gentle, against his, and he knew it was his mother who was kissing him and stroking his hair. He felt her kisses and her tears, and responded to her caresses42. He took them as reconciliation43 and gratitude for his silence. It was not until many years later that he really understood these silent tears and knew they were a vow44, of this woman verging45 on middle age, to dedicate herself henceforth to her child and renounce46 adventure and all desire on her own behalf. They were a farewell. He did not know that she was thanking him for more than his silence. She was grateful that he had rescued her from a barren experience, and in these caresses was bequeathing him the bitter-sweet legacy47 of her love for his future life. Nothing of all this did the child lying there comprehend, but he felt it was blissful to be so loved and that by this love he was already entangled48 in the great secret of the world.
When she had withdrawn49 her hand from his head and her lips from his lips, and with a light swish of her skirts had left the room, something warm remained behind, a breath upon Edgar’s mouth. And a seductive longing50 came upon him to feel such soft lips upon his and to be so tenderly embraced often and often again.
But this divination51 of the great secret, so longed for, was already clouded over by sleep. Once again all the happenings of the past hours flitted through Edgar’s mind, once again the leaves in the book of his childhood were turned alluringly52, then the child fell asleep, and the profounder dream of his life began.
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1
conjecture
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| n./v.推测，猜测 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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wondrousness
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| Wondrousness | |
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pestered
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| 使烦恼，纠缠( pester的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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8
arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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dispense
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| vt.分配，分发；配(药)，发(药)；实施 | |
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deceptive
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| adj.骗人的，造成假象的，靠不住的 | |
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solitariness
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| n.隐居；单独 | |
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marvelled
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| v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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extricate
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| v.拯救，救出；解脱 | |
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humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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flare
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| v.闪耀，闪烁；n.潮红；突发 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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reposed
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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disarmed
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| v.裁军( disarm的过去式和过去分词 )；使息怒 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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rustling
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| n. 瑟瑟声，沙沙声 adj. 发沙沙声的 | |
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33
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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34
voluptuous
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| adj.肉欲的，骄奢淫逸的 | |
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35
heeded
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| v.听某人的劝告，听从( heed的过去式和过去分词 )；变平，使（某物）变平( flatten的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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38
baron
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| n.男爵；(商业界等)巨头，大王 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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41
lapsing
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| v.退步( lapse的现在分词 )；陷入；倒退；丧失 | |
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42
caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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43
reconciliation
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| n.和解，和谐，一致 | |
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vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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verging
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| 接近，逼近（verge的现在分词形式） | |
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46
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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47
legacy
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| n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
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48
entangled
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| adj.卷入的；陷入的；被缠住的；缠在一起的v.使某人（某物/自己）缠绕，纠缠于（某物中），使某人（自己）陷入（困难或复杂的环境中）( entangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
withdrawn
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| vt.收回；使退出；vi.撤退，退出 | |
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50
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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51
divination
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| n.占卜，预测 | |
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52
alluringly
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| 诱人地，妩媚地 | |
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