"Of course. Didn't I tell you I had the story from her own mouth, though I have put it into Mendoza's?"
"Ah, yes, I remember now. It certainly is funny, her refusing a good Catholic on the ground that he was a bad Jew. But then according to the story she doesn't know he's a Catholic?"
"No, it was I who divined the joke of the situation. Lookers-on always see more of the game. I saw at once that if Mendoza were really a Jew, he would never have been such an ass1 as to make the slip he did; and so from this and several other things she told me about her lover, I constructed deductively the history you have read. She says she first met him at a mourning service in memory of her father, and that it is a custom among her people when they have not enough men to form a religious quorum3 (the number is the mystical ten) to invite any brother Jew who may be passing to step in, whether he is an acquaintance or not."
"I gathered that from the narrative," said Lord Silverdale. "And so she wishes to be an object lesson in female celibacy4, does she?"
"Is she really beautiful, et cetera?"
"She is magnificent."
"Then I should say the very member we are looking for. A Jewess will be an extremely valuable element of the Club, for her race exalts7 marriage even above happiness, and an old maid is even more despised than among us. The lovely Miss Radowski will be an eloquent8 protest against the prejudices of her people."
Lillie Dulcimer shook her head quietly. "The racial accident which makes her seem a desirable member to you, makes me regard her as impossible."
"How so?" cried Silverdale in amazement9. "You surely are not going to degrade your Club by anti-Semitism."
"Heaven forefend! But a Jewess can never be a whole Old Maid."
"I don't understand."
"Look at it mathematically a moment."
"Consider! A Jewess, orthodox like Miss Radowski, can only be an Old Maid fractionally. An Old Maid must make 'the grand refusal!'—she must refuse mankind at large. Now Miss Radowski, being cut off by her creed11 from marrying into any but an insignificant12 percentage of mankind, is proportionately less valuable as an object-lesson; she is unfitted for the functions of Old Maidenhood13 in their full potentiality. Already by her religion she is condemned14 to almost total celibacy. She cannot renounce15 what she never possessed16. There are in the world, roughly speaking, eight million Jews among a population of a thousand millions. The force of the example, in other words, her value as an Old Maid, may therefore be represented by .008."
"I am glad you express her as a decimal rather than a vulgar fraction," said Lord Silverdale laughing. "But I must own your reckoning seems correct. As a mathematical wrangler17 you are terrible. So I shall not need to try Miss Radowski?"
"No; we cannot entertain her application," said Lillie peremptorily18, the thunder-cloud no bigger than a man's hand gathering19 on her brow at the suspicion that Silverdale did not take her mathematics seriously. Considering that in keeping him at arm's length her motive20 were merely mathematical (though Lord Silverdale was not aware of this) she was peculiarly sensitive on the point. She changed the subject quickly by asking what poem he had brought her.
"Do not call them poems," he answered.
"It is only between ourselves. There are no critics about."
"Thank you so much. I have brought one suggested by the strange farrago of religions that figured in your last human document. It is a pæan on the growing hospitality of the people towards the gods of other nations. There was a time when free trade in divinities was tabu, each nation protecting, and protected by, its own. Now foreign gods are all the rage."
"THE END OF THE CENTURY" CATHOLIC CREDO.
I'm a Christo-Jewish Quaker,
Antinomian Baptist, Deist,
Gnostic, Neo-Pagan Theist,
Presbyterianish Papist,
Comtist, Mormon, Darwin-apist,
Trappist, High Church Unitarian,
Sandemanian Sabbatarian,
Plymouth Brother, Walworth Jumper,
Southcote South-Place Bible-Thumper,
Old Moravian, Masonic,
Corybantic Christi-antic,
Ethic-Culture-Transatlantic,
Anabaptist, Neo-Buddhist,
Zoroastrian Talmudist,
Laotsean, Theosophic,
Table-rapping, Philosophic25,
Modern, Mephistophelistic,
Hellenistic, Calvinistic,
Brahministic, Cabbalistic,
Humanistic, Tolstoistic,
Rather Robert Elsmeristic,
Altruistic27, Hedonistic
And Agnostic Manichæan,
Worshipping the Galilean.
Sivah, Allah, Zeus, Apollo,
Mumbo Jumbo, Dagon, Brahma,
Jahvé, Juggernaut and Juno—
Plus some gods that but the few know.
I can bend the knee to Vishna;
I obey the latest mode in
Recognizing Thor and Odin,
For the Pope and Mr. Spurgeon,
Moses, Paul and Zoroaster,
Each to me is seer and master.
I consider Heine, Hegel,
Schopenhauer, Shelley, Schlegel,
Diderot, Savonarola,
Dante, Rousseau, Goethe, Zola,
Whitman, Renan (priest of Paris),
Transcendental Prophet Harris,
Ibsen, Carlyle, Huxley, Pater
Each than all the others greater.
And I read the Zend-Avesta,
Koran, Bible, Roman Gesta,
Ind's Upanischads and Spencer
With affection e'er intenser.
For these many appellations33
Of the gods of different nations,
I believe—from Baal to Sun-god—
All at bottom cover one god.
Him I worship—dropping gammon—
"You are very hard upon the century—or rather upon the end of it," said Lillie.
"The century is dying unshriven," said the satirist35 solemnly. "Its conscience must be stirred. Truly, was there ever an age which had so much light and so little sweetness? In the reckless fight for gold Society has become a mutual36 swindling association. Cupidity37 has ousted38 Cupid, and everything is bought and sold."
"Except your poems, Lord Silverdale," laughed Lillie.
It was tit for the tat of his raillery of her mathematics.
Before his lordship had time to make the clever retort the thought of next day, Turple the magnificent brought in a card.
"Miss Winifred Woodpecker?" said Lillie queryingly. "I suppose it's another candidate. Show her in."
Miss Woodpecker was a tall stately girl, of the kind that pass for lilies in the flowery language of the novelists.
"Have I the pleasure of speaking to Miss Dulcimer?"
"Yes, I am Miss Dulcimer," said Lillie.
"Here," replied Lillie, indicating the epigrammatic antimacassars with a sweeping40 gesture. "No, don't go, Lord Silverdale. Miss Woodpecker, this is my friend Lord Silverdale. He knows all about the Club, so you needn't mind speaking before him."
"Well, you know, I read the leader in the Hurrygraph about your Club this morning."
"Oh, is there a leader?" said Lillie feverishly41. "Have you seen it, Lord Silverdale?"
"I am not sure. At first I fancied it referred to the Club, but there was such a lot about Ptolemy, Rosa Bonheur's animals and the Suez Canal that I can hardly venture to say what the leader itself was about. And so, Miss Woodpecker, you have thought about joining our institution for elevating female celibacy into a fine art?"
"I wish to join at once. Is there any entrance fee?"
"There is—experience. Have you had a desirable proposal of marriage?"
"And still you do not intend to marry?"
"Not while I live."
"Ah, that is all the guarantee we want," said Lord Silverdale smiling. "Afterwards—in heaven—there is no marrying, nor giving in marriage."
"That is what makes it heaven," added Lillie. "But tell us your story."
"It was in this way. I was staying at a boarding-house in Brighton with a female cousin, and a handsome young man in the house fell in love with me and we were engaged. Then my mother came down. Immediately afterwards my lover disappeared. He left a note for me containing nothing but the following verses."
She handed a double tear-stained sheet of letter-paper to the President, who read aloud as follows:
A VISION OF THE FUTURE.
She had a sweetly spiritual face,
Touched with a noble, stately grace,
Her frock was exquisitely46 neat,
With airy tread she paced the street.
She seemed some fantasy of dream,
A poet's visionary gleam.
And yet she was of mortal birth,
A lovely child of lovely earth,
For kisses made and joy and mirth.
To link her life with mine I long,
I steal another glance—and lo!
Another form beside her walks,
Of servants and expenses talks,
Her nose is not unlike a hawk's.
Her face is plump, her figure fat,
A comfortable Persian cat.
Her life is full of petty fuss,
She wobbles like an omnibus,
And yet it was not always thus.
How unmistakably I trace
The daughter's in the mother's face.
The poetry beneath the prose,
And so I sadly turn away:
How can I love a clod of clay,
Vain, vain the hope from Fate to flee,
What special Providence62 for me?
I know that what hath been will be.
The Present and the Future.
Lillie and Silverdale looked at each other.
"Well, but," said Lillie at last, "according to this he refused you, not you him. Our rules——"
"You mistake me," interrupted Winifred Woodpecker. "When the first fit of anguish63 was over, I saw my Frank was right, and I have refused all the offers I have had since—five in all. It would not be fair to a lover to chain him to a beauty so transient. In ten or twenty years from now I shall go the way of all flesh. Under such circumstances is not marriage a contract entered into under false pretences64? There is no chance of the law of this country allowing a time-limit to be placed in the contract; celibacy is the only honest policy for a woman."
Involuntarily Lillie's hand seized the candidate's and gripped it sympathetically. She divined a sister soul.
Silverdale groaned66 inwardly; he saw a new weapon going into the anti-hymeneal armory67, and the Old Maids' Club on the point of being strengthened by the accession of its first member.
"The law will have to accommodate itself to these finer shades," pursued Lillie energetically. "It is a rusty68 machine out of harmony with the age. Science has discovered that the entire physical organism is renewed every seven years, and yet the law calmly goes on assuming that the new man and the new woman are still bound by the contract of their predecessors69 and still possess the good-will of the original partnership70. It seems to me if the short lease principle demanded by physiology71 is not to be conceded, there should at any rate be provincial72 and American rights in marriage as well as London rights. In the metropolis73 the matrimonial contract should hold good with A, in the country with B, neither party infringing the other's privileges, in accordance with theatrical74 analogy."
"That is a literal latitudinarianism in morals you will never get the world to agree to," laughed Lord Silverdale. "At least not in theory; we cannot formally sanction theatrical practice."
"Do not laugh," said Lillie. "Law must be brought more in touch with life."
"Isn't it rather vice2 versâ? Life must be brought more in touch with law. However, if Miss Woodpecker feels these fine ethical shades, won't she be ineligible75?"
"How so?" said the President in indignant surprise.
"By our second rule every candidate must be beautiful and undertake to continue so."
And now it befalls to reveal to the world the jealously-guarded secret of the English Shakespeare, for how else can the tale be told of how the Old Maids' Club was within an ace6 of robbing him of his bride?
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1
ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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quorum
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| n.法定人数 | |
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celibacy
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| n.独身(主义) | |
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enlist
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| vt.谋取(支持等)，赢得；征募；vi.入伍 | |
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ace
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| n.A牌；发球得分；佼佼者；adj.杰出的 | |
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exalts
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| 赞扬( exalt的第三人称单数 )； 歌颂； 提升； 提拔 | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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grimace
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| v.做鬼脸，面部歪扭 | |
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creed
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| n.信条；信念，纲领 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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maidenhood
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| n. 处女性, 处女时代 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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15
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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16
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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wrangler
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| n.口角者，争论者；牧马者 | |
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peremptorily
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| adv.紧急地，不容分说地，专横地 | |
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19
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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20
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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Moslem
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| n.回教徒，穆罕默德信徒；adj.回教徒的，回教的 | |
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atheist
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| n.无神论者 | |
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auld
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| adj.老的，旧的 | |
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platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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25
philosophic
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| adj.哲学的，贤明的 | |
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26
monkish
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| adj.僧侣的，修道士的，禁欲的 | |
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altruistic
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| adj.无私的，为他人着想的 | |
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28
zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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29
Buddha
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| n.佛；佛像；佛陀 | |
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30
alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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31
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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32
virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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33
appellations
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| n.名称，称号( appellation的名词复数 ) | |
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34
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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35
satirist
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| n.讽刺诗作者，讽刺家，爱挖苦别人的人 | |
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36
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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37
cupidity
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| n.贪心，贪财 | |
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38
ousted
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| 驱逐( oust的过去式和过去分词 )； 革职； 罢黜； 剥夺 | |
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39
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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40
sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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41
feverishly
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| adv. 兴奋地 | |
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42
eminently
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| adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地 | |
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43
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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44
poetic
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| adj.富有诗意的，有诗人气质的，善于抒情的 | |
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45
graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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46
exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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47
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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48
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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49
throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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50
shrine
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| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
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51
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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52
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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53
shudders
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| n.颤动，打颤，战栗( shudder的名词复数 )v.战栗( shudder的第三人称单数 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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54
veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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55
embodied
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| v.表现( embody的过去式和过去分词 )；象征；包括；包含 | |
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57
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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58
perishable
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| adj.（尤指食物）易腐的，易坏的 | |
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beak
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| n.鸟嘴，茶壶嘴，钩形鼻 | |
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adipose
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| adj.脂肪质的，脂肪多的；n.（储于脂肪组织中的）动物脂肪；肥胖 | |
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61
doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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pretences
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| n.假装( pretence的名词复数 )；作假；自命；自称 | |
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ethical
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| adj.伦理的，道德的，合乎道德的 | |
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66
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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67
armory
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| n.纹章，兵工厂，军械库 | |
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rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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predecessors
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| n.前任( predecessor的名词复数 )；前辈；（被取代的）原有事物；前身 | |
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partnership
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| n.合作关系，伙伴关系 | |
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physiology
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| n.生理学，生理机能 | |
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72
provincial
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| adj.省的，地方的；n．外省人，乡下人 | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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ineligible
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| adj.无资格的，不适当的 | |
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drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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