Turple the magnificent, was told to usher2 them into the confessional one by one, but the first two candidates insisted that they were one, and as he could not tell which one he gave way.
It is said that the shepherd knows every sheep of his flock individually, and that a superintendent3 can tell one policeman from another. Some music-hall managers even profess4 to distinguish between one pair of singing sisters and all the other pairs. But even the most trained eye would be puzzled to detect any difference between these two lovely young creatures. They were as like as two peas or two cues, or the two gentlemen who mount and descend5 together the mirror-lined staircase of a restaurant. Interrogated6 as to the motives7 of their would-be renunciation, one of them replied: "My sister and myself are twins. We were born so. When the news was announced to our father, he is reported to have exclaimed, 'What a misfortune!' His sympathy was not misplaced, for from our nursery days upward our perfect resemblance to each other has brought us perpetual annoyance8. Do what we would, we never could never get mistaken for each other. The pleasing delusion9 that either of us would be saddled with the misdeeds of the other has got us into scrapes without number. At school we each played all sorts of pranks10, making sure the other would be punished for them. Alas11! the consequences have always recoiled12 on the head of the guilty party. We were not even whipped for neglecting each other's lessons. It was always for neglecting our own. But in spite of the stern refusal of experience to favor us with the usual imbroglio13, we always went on hoping that the luck would turn. We read Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors, and that confirmed us in our evil courses. When we grew up, it would be hard to say which was the giddier, for each hoped that the other would have to bear the burden of her escapades. You will have gathered from our friskiness14 that our parents were strict Puritans, but at last they allowed an eligible15 young curate to visit the house with a view to matrimony. He was too good for us; our parents were as much as we wanted in that line. Unfortunately, in this crisis, unknown to each other, the old temptation seized us. Each felt it a unique chance of trying if the thing wouldn't work. When the other was out of the room, each made love to the unwelcome suitor so as to make him fall in love with her sister. Wretched victims of mendacious16 farce-writers! The result was that he fell in love with us both!"
She paused a moment overcome with emotion, then resumed. "He proposed to us both simultaneously17, vowed18 he could not live without us. He exclaimed passionately19 that he could not be happy with either were t'other dear charmer away. He said he was ready to become a Mormon for love of us."
"And what was your reply?" said Lillie anxiously.
The fresh young voices broke out into a duet: "We told him to ask papa."
"We were both so overwhelmed by this catastrophe," pursued the story-teller, "that we vowed for mutual20 self-protection against our besetting21 temptation to fribble at the other's expense, never to let each other out of sight. In the farces22 all the mistakes happen through the twins being on only one at a time. Thus have we balanced each other's tendencies to indiscretion before it was too late, and saved ourselves from ourselves. This necessity of being always together, imposed on us by our unhappy resemblance, naturally excludes either from marriage."
Lillie was not favorably impressed with these skittish23 sisters. "I sympathize intensely with the sufferings of either," she said slily, "in being constrained24 to the society of the other. But your motives of celibacy25 are not sufficiently26 pure, nor have you fulfilled our prime condition, for even granting that your reply to the eligible young Churchman was tantamount to a rejection27, it still only amounts to a half rejection each, which is fifty per cent. below our standard."
She rang the bell. Turple the magnificent ushered28 the twins out and the next candidate in. She was an ethereal blonde in a simple white frock, and her story was as simple.
"Read this Rondeau," she said. "It will tell you all."
Lillie took the lines. They were headed
THE LOVELY MAY—AN OLD MAID'S PLAINT.
The lovely May at last is here,
Long summer days are drawing near,
And nights with cloudless moonshine rich;
In woodlands green, on waters clear,
I see my sweet-faced sister dear,
The lovely May.
She is engaged—and her career
Is one of skittles blent with beer,
While I, plain sewing left to stitch,
Can ne'er expect those pleasures which,
At this bright season of the year,
The lovely may.
Lillie looked up interrogatively. "But surely you have nothing to complain of in the way of loveliness?" she said.
"No, of course not. I am the lovely May. It was my sister who wrote that. She died in June and I found it among her manuscripts. Remorse32 set in at the thought of Maria stitching while I was otherwise engaged. I disengaged myself at once. What's fair for one is fair for all. Women should combine. While there's one woman who can't get a husband, no man should be allowed to get a wife."
"Hear, hear!" cried Lillie enthusiastically. "Only I am afraid there will always be blacklegs among us who will betray their sex for the sake of a husband."
"Alas, yes," agreed the lovely May. "I fear such was the nature of my sister Maria. She coveted33 even my first husband."
"Certainly! I left off black when I was engaged again, and when I was disengaged I dared not resume it for fear of seeming to mourn my fiancé."
"We cannot have widows in the Old Maids' Club," said Lillie regretfully.
"Then I shall start a new Widows' Club and Old Maids shall have no place in it." And the lovely May sailed out, all smiles and tears.
The newcomer was a most divinely tall and most divinely fair brunette with a brooding, morbid35 expression. Candidate gave the name of Miss Summerson.
Being invited to make a statement, she said: "I have abandoned the idea of marrying. I have no money. Ergo, I cannot afford to marry a poor man. And I am resolved never to marry a rich one. I want to be loved for myself, not for my want of money. You may stare, but I know what I am talking about. What other attraction have I? Good looks? Plenty of girls with money have that, who would be glad to marry the men I have rejected. In the town I came from I lived with my cousin, who was an heiress. She was far lovelier than I. Yet all the moneyed men were at my feet. They were afraid of being suspected of fortune-hunting and anxious to vindicate36 their elevation37 of character. Why should I marry to gratify a man's vanity, his cravings after cheap quixotism?"
"Your attitude on the great question of the age does you infinite credit, but as you have no banking38 account to put it to, you traverse the regulation requiring a property qualification," said the President.
"Is there no way over the difficulty?"
"I fear not: unless you marry a rich man, and that disqualifies you under another rule." And Miss Summerson passed sadly into the outer darkness, to be replaced by a young lady who gave the name of Nell Lightfoot. She wore a charming hat and a smile like the spreading of sunshine over a crystal pool. "I met a young Scotchman," she said, "at a New Year's dance, and we were favorably impressed by each other. On the fourteenth of the following February I received from him a Valentine, containing a proposal of marriage and a revelation of the degradation39 of masculine nature. It would seem he had two strings40 to his bow—the other being a rich widow whom he had met in a Devonshire lane. Being a Scotchman he had for economy's sake composed a Valentine which with a few slight alterations41 would do for both of us. Unfortunately for himself he sent me the original draft by mistake and here is his
For I feel I've exchanged mine for thine.
Do not call it delusion, my dearie,
But become my own loved Valentine.
For that { stormy June day you } remember,
{ New Year's dance you must }
When we { sheltered together from rain,
{ waltzed to a languorous46 strain,
While the sky, like the Fifth of November, }
And our souls glowed despite 'twas December }
Gleamed with lightening outrivalling P { ain. }
With a burning but glorious p { ain.}
Ah me! In my fire's dying ember
I can see that { dank Devonshire lane.
{ bright ball-room again.
Yet } { not then, fearing to }
{ I'd gazed on before you,
And you listened till sunshine re- } turned,
Had my heart with such sweet madness }
Then { you } parted { from me who } adore you,
{ we } { but still I }
Though you may not my love have discerned, }
{ having no }
{ Nell, }
You are sweeter than music or honey;
Need we feel a less genuine passion
Because we { shall } live in May-fair?
{ can't }
Love { blooms rich } in the hothouse of fashion,
{ oft fades }
{ a moss-rose that needs the fresh air;
Were she even as { poor } as she's { fair.
{ rich } { rare.
There are fools who adore a complexion60
As with Nubian blacking a gleam }
A brunette } is my own predilection62,
But a blonde }
And the glances from { dark } eyes that beam
{ blue }
Then refuse not my deathless affection,
You're the very first { woman } who's thrilled me
With the passion that tongue cannot tell.
Of none else have I thought since you filled me
With { despair in that Devonshire dell. }
{ unrest when the waltz wove its spell. }
When your final refusal has killed me.
On my heart will be found graven { Belle.
{ Nell.
"How strange!" said Lillie. "You combine the disqualifications of two of the previous candidates. You are apparently64 poor and you have received only half a proposal."
A flaming blonde, whose brow was crowned with an aurora65 of auburn hair, was the next to burst upon the epigrammatic scene. She spoke English with an excellent Parisian accent. "One has called me a young woman in a hurry," she said, "and the description does not want of truth. I am impatient; I have large ideas; I am ambitious. If I were a grocer I should contract for the Sahara. I fall in love, and when Alice Leroux falls in love it is like the volcano which goes to make eruption66. Figure to yourself that my man is shy—but of a shyness of the most ridiculous—that it is necessary to make a thousand sweet eyes at him before he comprehends that he loves me. And when he comprehends it, he does not speak. Mon Dieu, he does not speak, though I speak, me, with fan, my eyes, my fingers, almost with my lips. He walks with me—but he does not speak. He takes me to the spectacle—but he does not speak. He promenades67 himself in boat with me—but he does not speak. I encircle him with my arms, and I speak with my lips at last—one, two, three, four, five, kisses. Overwhelmed, astonished, he returns me my kisses—hesitatingly, stupidly, but in fine, he returns them And then at last—with our faces together, my arm round his graceful68 waist—he speaks. The first words of love comes from his mouth—and what think you that he say? Say then."
I encircle him with my arms and speak with my lips.
"I love you?" murmured Lillie.
"A thousand thunders! No! He says: 'Miss Leroux—Alice; may I call you Alice?'"
"I see nothing to wonder at in that," replied Lillie quietly. "Remember that for a man to kiss you is a less serious step than for him to call you Alice. That were a [pg 274] stage on the road to marriage, and should only be reached through the gate of betrothal69. Changes of name are the outward marks of a woman's development as much as changes of form accompany the growth of the caterpillar70. You, for instance, began life as Alice. In due course you became Miss Alice; if you were the eldest71 daughter you became Miss Leroux at once; if you were not, you inherited the name only on your sister's death or marriage; when you are betrothed72 you will revert73 to the simple Alice, and when you are married you will become Mrs. Something Else; and every time you get married, if you are careful to select husbands of varying patronymics, you will be furnished with a change of name as well as of address. Providence74, which has conferred so many sufferings upon woman, has given her this one advantage over man, who in the majority of instance is doomed75 to the monotony of ossified76 nomenclature, and has to wear the same name on his tombstone which he wore on his Eton collar."
"That is all a heap of galimatias," replied the Parisienne with the flaming hair "If I kiss a man, I, surely he may call me Alice without demanding it? Bah! Let him love your misses with eau sucrée in their veins77. When he insulted me with his stupidity, I became furious. I threw him—how you say?—overboard on the instant."
"Good heavens!" gasped Lillie. "Then you are a murderess!"
"Figure you to yourself that I speak at the foot of the letter? Know you not the idioms of your own barbarian78 tongue? It seems to me you are as mad as he. Perhaps you are his sister."
"Certainly. Our rules require us to regard all men as brothers."
"He! What?"
"We have rejected the love of all men; consequently we have to regard them all as our brothers."
"That man there my brother!" shrieked79 Alice. "Never! Never of my life! I would rather marry first!" And she went off to do so.
The last of these competitors for the Old Maiden Stakes was a whirlwind in petticoats who welcomed the President very affably. "Good-morning, Miss Dulcimer," she said. "I've heard of you. I'm from Boston way. You know I travel about the world in search of culture. I'm spending the day in Europe, so I thought I'd look you up. Would you be so good as to epitomize your scheme in twenty words? I've got to see the Madonna del Cardellino in the Uffizi at Florence before ten to-morrow, and I want to hear an act of the Meistersingers at Bayreuth after tea."
"I'm rather tired," pleaded Lillie, overwhelmed by the dynamic energy radiating from every square inch of the Bostonian's superficies. "I have had a hard morning's work. Couldn't you call again to-morrow?"
"Impossible. I have just wired to Damietta to secure rooms commanding a view of Professor Tickledroppe's excavations80 on the banks of the Nile. I dote on archæological treasures and thought I should like to see the Old Maids. Are they on view?"
"No, they are not here," said Lillie evasively. "But do you want to join us?"
"Shall I have time? I remember I once wasted a week getting married. Some women waste their whole lives that way. Marriage is an incident of life's novel—they make it the whole plot. I don't say it isn't an interesting experience. Every woman ought to go through it once, but with the infinite possibilities of culture lying all round us it's mere Philistinism to give one husbandman more than a week of your society. Mine is a physician practising in Philadelphia. Judging by the checks he sends me he must be a successful man. Well, I am real glad to have had this little talk with you, it's been so interesting. I will become an Honorary Member of your charming Club with pleasure."
"You cannot if you are married. You can only be a visitor."
"What's my being married got to do with it?" inquired the American in astonishment81. "This is the first time I have ever heard that the name of a club has anything to do with the membership. Are the members of the Savage82 Club savages83, of the Garrick Garricks, of the Supper Club suppers?"
"We are not men," Lillie said haughtily84. "I could pass over your relation to the hub of the universe, but when it comes to having a private hub I have no option."
"Well, this may be your English idea of hospitality to travellers of culture," replied the Bostonian warmly, "but if you come to our crack Crank Club in the fall you shall be as welcome as a brand new poet. Good-bye. Hope we shall meet again. I shall be in Hong Kong in June if you like to drop in. Good-bye."
"Good-bye," said Lillie, pressing one hand against the visitor's and the other to her aching forehead.
Silverdale found her dissolved in tears. "In future," he said, when she had explained her troubles, "I shall hang the rules and by-laws in the waiting room. The candidates will then be able to eliminate themselves. By the way, Ellaline Rand's Cherub85 is going to sit up aloft,—on a third floor in Fleet Street."
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1
applicants
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| 申请人，求职人( applicant的名词复数 ) | |
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2
usher
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| n.带位员，招待员；vt.引导，护送；vi.做招待，担任引座员 | |
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superintendent
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| n.监督人，主管，总监；(英国)警务长 | |
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4
profess
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| v.声称，冒称，以...为业，正式接受入教，表明信仰 | |
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5
descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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6
interrogated
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| v.询问( interrogate的过去式和过去分词 )；审问；（在计算机或其他机器上）查询 | |
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7
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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8
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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9
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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10
pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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11
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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12
recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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13
imbroglio
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| n.纷乱，纠葛，纷扰，一团糟 | |
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14
friskiness
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| n.活泼，闹着玩 | |
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15
eligible
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| adj.有条件被选中的；(尤指婚姻等)合适(意)的 | |
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16
mendacious
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| adj.不真的，撒谎的 | |
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17
simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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18
vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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19
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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20
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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21
besetting
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| adj.不断攻击的v.困扰( beset的现在分词 )；不断围攻；镶；嵌 | |
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22
farces
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| n.笑剧( farce的名词复数 )；闹剧；笑剧剧目；作假的可笑场面 | |
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23
skittish
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| adj.易激动的，轻佻的 | |
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24
constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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25
celibacy
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| n.独身(主义) | |
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26
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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27
rejection
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| n.拒绝，被拒，抛弃，被弃 | |
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28
ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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30
gliding
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| v. 滑翔 adj. 滑动的 | |
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31
niche
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| n.壁龛；合适的职务(环境、位置等) | |
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32
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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coveted
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| adj.令人垂涎的；垂涎的，梦寐以求的v.贪求，觊觎(covet的过去分词)；垂涎；贪图 | |
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34
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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35
morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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vindicate
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| v.为…辩护或辩解，辩明；证明…正确 | |
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37
elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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banking
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| n.银行业，银行学，金融业 | |
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39
degradation
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| n.降级；低落；退化；陵削；降解；衰变 | |
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40
strings
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| n.弦 | |
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41
alterations
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| n.改动( alteration的名词复数 )；更改；变化；改变 | |
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veracious
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| adj.诚实可靠的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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44
spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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45
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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46
languorous
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| adj.怠惰的，没精打采的 | |
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47
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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48
yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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maidenly
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| adj. 像处女的, 谨慎的, 稳静的 | |
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51
fealty
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| n.忠贞，忠节 | |
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52
spurned
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| v.一脚踢开，拒绝接受( spurn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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repelled
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| v.击退( repel的过去式和过去分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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54
belle
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| n.靓女 | |
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sensuous
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| adj.激发美感的；感官的，感觉上的 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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57
pelf
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| n.金钱；财物（轻蔑语） | |
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orchid
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| n.兰花，淡紫色 | |
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shun
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| vt.避开，回避，避免 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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61
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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predilection
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| n.偏好 | |
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amorous
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| adj.多情的；有关爱情的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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aurora
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| n.极光 | |
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eruption
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| n.火山爆发；（战争等）爆发；（疾病等）发作 | |
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promenades
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| n.人行道( promenade的名词复数 )；散步场所；闲逛v.兜风( promenade的第三人称单数 ) | |
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graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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betrothal
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| n. 婚约, 订婚 | |
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caterpillar
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| n.毛虫，蝴蝶的幼虫 | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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betrothed
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| n. 已订婚者 动词betroth的过去式和过去分词 | |
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revert
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| v.恢复，复归，回到 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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ossified
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| adj.已骨化[硬化]的v.骨化，硬化，使僵化( ossify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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77
veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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barbarian
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| n.野蛮人；adj.野蛮(人)的；未开化的 | |
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shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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80
excavations
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| n.挖掘( excavation的名词复数 )；开凿；开凿的洞穴（或山路等）；（发掘出来的）古迹 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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82
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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savages
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| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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haughtily
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| adv. 傲慢地, 高傲地 | |
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cherub
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| n.小天使，胖娃娃 | |
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