Everything he saw was distasteful to him. He hated the blue and white,the intensity1 and definiteness, the hum and heat of the south;the landscape seemed to him as hard and as romantic as a cardboardbackground on the stage, and the mountain but a wooden screenagainst a sheet painted blue. He walked fast in spite of the heatof the sun.
Two roads led out of the town on the eastern side; one branched offtowards the Ambroses' villa2, the other struck into the country,eventually reaching a village on the plain, but many footpaths,which had been stamped in the earth when it was wet, led off from it,across great dry fields, to scattered3 farm-houses, and the villasof rich natives. Hewet stepped off the road on to one of these,in order to avoid the hardness and heat of the main road,the dust of which was always being raised in small clouds by cartsand ramshackle flies which carried parties of festive4 peasants,or turkeys swelling5 unevenly6 like a bundle of air balls beneatha net, or the brass7 bedstead and black wooden boxes of some newlywedded pair.
The exercise indeed served to clear away the superficial irritationsof the morning, but he remained miserable9. It seemed proved beyonda doubt that Rachel was indifferent to him, for she had scarcelylooked at him, and she had talked to Mr. Flushing with just the sameinterest with which she talked to him. Finally, Hirst's odiouswords flicked10 his mind like a whip, and he remembered that he hadleft her talking to Hirst. She was at this moment talking to him,and it might be true, as he said, that she was in love with him.
He went over all the evidence for this supposition--her sudden interestin Hirst's writing, her way of quoting his opinions respectfully,or with only half a laugh; her very nickname for him, "the great Man,"might have some serious meaning in it. Supposing that there werean understanding between them, what would it mean to him?
"Damn it all!" he demanded, "am I in love with her?" To that he couldonly return himself one answer. He certainly was in love with her,if he knew what love meant. Ever since he had first seen her he hadbeen interested and attracted, more and more interested and attracted,until he was scarcely able to think of anything except Rachel.
But just as he was sliding into one of the long feasts of meditation12 aboutthem both, he checked himself by asking whether he wanted to marry her?
That was the real problem, for these miseries13 and agonies could notbe endured, and it was necessary that he should make up his mind.
He instantly decided14 that he did not want to marry any one.
Partly because he was irritated by Rachel the idea of marriageirritated him. It immediately suggested the picture of two peoplesitting alone over the fire; the man was reading, the woman sewing.
There was a second picture. He saw a man jump up, say good-night,leave the company and hasten away with the quiet secret look of onewho is stealing to certain happiness. Both these pictures werevery unpleasant, and even more so was a third picture, of husbandand wife and friend; and the married people glancing at each otheras though they were content to let something pass unquestioned,being themselves possessed15 of the deeper truth. Other pictures--he was walking very fast in his irritation8, and they came beforehim without any conscious effort, like pictures on a sheet--succeeded these. Here were the worn husband and wife sittingwith their children round them, very patient, tolerant, and wise.
But that too, was an unpleasant picture. He tried all sortsof pictures, taking them from the lives of friends of his, for he knewmany different married couples; but he saw them always, walled upin a warm firelit room. When, on the other hand, he began to thinkof unmarried people, he saw them active in an unlimited16 world;above all, standing11 on the same ground as the rest, without shelteror advantage. All the most individual and humane17 of his friendswere bachelors and spinsters; indeed he was surprised to findthat the women he most admired and knew best were unmarried women.
Marriage seemed to be worse for them than it was for men.
Leaving these general pictures he considered the people whom hehad been observing lately at the hotel. He had often revolvedthese questions in his mind, as he watched Susan and Arthur,or Mr. and Mrs. Thornbury, or Mr. and Mrs. Elliot. He had observedhow the shy happiness and surprise of the engaged couple had graduallybeen replaced by a comfortable, tolerant state of mind, as if theyhad already done with the adventure of intimacy18 and were taking uptheir parts. Susan used to pursue Arthur about with a sweater,because he had one day let slip that a brother of his had diedof pneumonia19. The sight amused him, but was not pleasant if yousubstituted Terence and Rachel for Arthur and Susan; and Arthurwas far less eager to get you in a corner and talk about flying andthe mechanics of aeroplanes. They would settle down. He then lookedat the couples who had been married for several years. It was truethat Mrs. Thornbury had a husband, and that for the most part shewas wonderfully successful in bringing him into the conversation,but one could not imagine what they said to each other when theywere alone. There was the same difficulty with regard to the Elliots,except that they probably bickered20 openly in private. They sometimesbickered in public, though these disagreements were painfullycovered over by little insincerities on the part of the wife,who was afraid of public opinion, because she was much stupiderthan her husband, and had to make efforts to keep hold of him.
There could be no doubt, he decided, that it would have been far betterfor the world if these couples had separated. Even the Ambroses,whom he admired and respected profoundly--in spite of allthe love between them, was not their marriage too a compromise?
She gave way to him; she spoilt him; she arranged things for him;she who was all truth to others was not true to her husband, was nottrue to her friends if they came in conflict with her husband.
It was a strange and piteous flaw in her nature. Perhaps Rachel hadbeen right, then, when she said that night in the garden, "We bringout what's worst in each other--we should live separate."No Rachel had been utterly21 wrong! Every argument seemed to be againstundertaking the burden of marriage until he came to Rachel's argument,which was manifestly absurd. From having been the pursued, he turnedand became the pursuer. Allowing the case against marriage to lapse,he began to consider the peculiarities22 of character which had ledto her saying that. Had she meant it? Surely one ought to knowthe character of the person with whom one might spend all one's life;being a novelist, let him try to discover what sort of person she was.
When he was with her he could not analyse her qualities, because heseemed to know them instinctively23, but when he was away from her itsometimes seemed to him that he did not know her at all. She was young,but she was also old; she had little self-confidence, and yet shewas a good judge of people. She was happy; but what made her happy?
If they were alone and the excitement had worn off, and they hadto deal with the ordinary facts of the day, what would happen?
Casting his eye upon his own character, two things appeared to him:
that he was very unpunctual, and that he disliked answering notes.
As far as he knew Rachel was inclined to be punctual, but he couldnot remember that he had ever seen her with a pen in her hand.
Let him next imagine a dinner-party, say at the Crooms, and Wilson,who had taken her down, talking about the state of the Liberal party.
She would say--of course she was absolutely ignorant of politics.
Nevertheless she was intelligent certainly, and honest too.
Her temper was uncertain--that he had noticed--and she was not domestic,and she was not easy, and she was not quiet, or beautiful,except in some dresses in some lights. But the great gift shehad was that she understood what was said to her; there had neverbeen any one like her for talking to. You could say anything--you could say everything, and yet she was never servile. Here hepulled himself up, for it seemed to him suddenly that he knew lessabout her than about any one. All these thoughts had occurredto him many times already; often had he tried to argue and reason;and again he had reached the old state of doubt. He did not know her,and he did not know what she felt, or whether they could live together,or whether he wanted to marry her, and yet he was in love withher.
Supposing he went to her and said (he slackened his pace and beganto speak aloud, as if he were speaking to Rachel):
"I worship you, but I loathe24 marriage, I hate its smugness, its safety,its compromise, and the thought of you interfering25 in my work,hindering me; what would you answer?"He stopped, leant against the trunk of a tree, and gazed withoutseeing them at some stones scattered on the bank of the dryriver-bed. He saw Rachel's face distinctly, the grey eyes, the hair,the mouth; the face that could look so many things--plain, vacant,almost insignificant26, or wild, passionate27, almost beautiful,yet in his eyes was always the same because of the extraordinaryfreedom with which she looked at him, and spoke28 as she felt.
What would she answer? What did she feel? Did she love him,or did she feel nothing at all for him or for any other man, being,as she had said that afternoon, free, like the wind or the sea?
"Oh, you're free!" he exclaimed, in exultation29 at the thoughtof her, "and I'd keep you free. We'd be free together.
We'd share everything together. No happiness would be like ours.
No lives would compare with ours." He opened his arms wideas if to hold her and the world in one embrace.
No longer able to consider marriage, or to weigh coolly whather nature was, or how it would be if they lived together,he dropped to the ground and sat absorbed in the thought of her,and soon tormented30 by the desire to be in her presence again.
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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villa
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| n.别墅，城郊小屋 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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festive
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| adj.欢宴的，节日的 | |
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swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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unevenly
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| adv.不均匀的 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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flicked
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| （尤指用手指或手快速地）轻击( flick的过去式和过去分词 )； （用…）轻挥； （快速地）按开关； 向…笑了一下（或瞥了一眼等） | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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miseries
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| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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unlimited
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| adj.无限的，不受控制的，无条件的 | |
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humane
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| adj.人道的，富有同情心的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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pneumonia
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| n.肺炎 | |
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bickered
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| v.争吵( bicker的过去式和过去分词 )；口角；（水等）作潺潺声；闪烁 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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interfering
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| adj. 妨碍的 动词interfere的现在分词 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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exultation
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| n.狂喜，得意 | |
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tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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