Vastly exercised, I set out in quest of Herr Schmick, martialing Poopendyke as I went along, realising that I would have to depend on his German, which was less halting than mine and therefore, more likely to dovetail with that of the Schmicks, neither of whom spoke9 German because they loved it but because they had to,—being Austrians. We found the four Schmicks in the vast kitchen, watching Britton while he pressed my trousers on an oak table so large that the castle must have been built around it.
Herr Schmick was weighted down with the keys of the castle, which never left his possession day or night.
"Herr Schmick," said I, "will you be so good as to inform me who the dickens that woman is over in the east wing of the castle?"
"Woman, mein herr?" He almost dropped his keys. His big sons said something to each other that I couldn't quite catch, but it sounded very much like "der duyvil."
"A woman in a white dress,—with a dog."
"A dog?" he cried. "But, mein herr, dogs are not permitted to be in the castle."
"Who is she? How did she get there?"
"Heaven defend us, sir! It must have been the ghost of—"
"Ghost, your granny!" I cried, relapsing into English. "Please don't beat about the bush, Mr. Schmick. She's over there in the unused wing, which I haven't been allowed to penetrate10 in spite of the fact that it belongs to me. You say you can't find the keys to that side of the castle. Will you explain how it is that it is open to strange women and—and dogs?"
"You must be mistaken, mein herr," he whined11 abjectly12. "She cannot be there. She—Ah, I have it! It may have been my wife. Gretel! Have you been in the east—"
"Nonsense!" I cried sharply. "This won't do, Mr. Schmick. Give me that bunch of keys. We'll investigate. I can't have strange women gallivanting about the place as if they owned it. This is no trysting place for Juliets, Herr Schmick. We'll get to the bottom of this at once. Here, you Rudolph, fetch a couple of lanterns. Max, get a sledge13 or two from the forge. There is a forge. I saw it yesterday out there back of the stables. So don't try to tell me there isn't one. If we can't unlock the doors, we'll smash 'em in. They're mine, and I'll knock 'em to smithereens if I feel like it."
The four Schmicks wrung15 their hands and shook their heads and, then, repairing to the scullery, growled16 and grumbled17 for fully18 ten minutes before deciding to obey my commands. In the meantime, I related my experience to Poopendyke and Britton.
"That reminds me, sir," said Britton, "that I found a rag-doll in the courtyard yesterday, on that side of the building, sir—I should say castle, sir."
"I am quite sure I heard a baby crying the second night we were here, Mr. Smart," said my secretary nervously19.
"And there was smoke coming from one of the back chimney pots this morning," added Britton.
"I turned it over to old Schmick, sir," said he. He grinned. "I thought as maybe it belonged to one of his boys."
On the aged21 caretaker's reappearance, I bluntly inquired what had become of the doll-baby. He was terribly confused.
"I know nothing, I know nothing," he mumbled22, and I could see that he was miserably23 upset. His sons towered and glowered24 and his wife wrapped and unwrapped her hands in her apron25, all the time supplicating26 heaven to be good to the true and the faithful.
From what I could gather, they all seemed to be more disturbed over the fact that my hallucination included a dog than by the claim that I had seen a woman.
"But, confound you, Schmick," I cried in some heat, "it barked at me."
"Gott in himmel!" they all cried, and, to my surprise, the old woman burst into tears.
"Come!" said I, grabbing the keys from the old man's unresisting hand. "And, Schmick, if that dog bites me, I'll hold you personally responsible. Do you understand?"
Two abreast28 we filed through the long, vaulted29 halls, Rudolph carrying a gigantic lantern and Max a sledge. We traversed extensive corridors, mounted tortuous31 stairs and came at length to the sturdy oak door that separated the east wing from the west: a huge, formidable thing strengthened by many cross-pieces and studded with rusty33 bolt-heads. Padlocks as large as horse-shoes, corroded34 by rust32 and rendered absolutely impracticable by age, confronted us.
"I have not the keys," said old Conrad Schmick sourly. "This door has not been opened in my time. It is no use."
"It is no use," repeated his grizzly35 sons, leaning against the mouldy walls with weary tolerance36.
"Then how did the woman and her dog get into that part of the castle?" I demanded. "Tell me that!"
They shook their heads, almost compassionately37, as much as to say, "It is always best to humour a mad man."
"And the baby," added Poopendyke, turning up his coat collar to protect his thin neck from the draft that smote38 us from the halls.
"Smash those padlocks, Max," I commanded resolutely39.
Max looked stupidly at his father and the old man looked at his wife, and then all four of them looked at me, almost imploringly40.
"Why destroy a perfectly41 good padlock, mein herr?" began Max, twirling the sledge in his hand as if it were a bamboo cane42.
"Doesn't this castle belong to me?" I demanded, considerably44 impressed by the ease with which he swung the sledge. A very dangerous person, I began to perceive.
"It does, mein herr," shouted all of them gladly, and touched their forelocks.
"Everything is yours," added old Conrad, with a comprehensive sweep of his hand that might have put the whole universe in my name.
"Smash that padlock, Max," I said after a second's hesitation45.
"I'll bet he can't do it," said Britton, ingeniously.
Very reluctantly Max bared his great arms, spit upon his hands, and, with a pitiful look at his parents, prepared to deal the first blow upon the ancient padlock. The old couple turned their heads away, and put their fingers to their ears, cringing46 like things about to be whipped.
"Now, one—two—three!" cried I, affecting an enthusiasm I didn't feel.
The sledge fell upon the padlock and rebounded47 with almost equal force. The sound of the crash must have disturbed every bird and bat in the towers of the grim old pile. But the padlock merely shed a few scabs of rust and rattled49 back into its customary repose50.
"See!" cried Max, triumphantly51. "It cannot be broken." Rudolph, his broad face beaming, held the lantern close to the padlock and showed me that it hadn't been dented52 by the blow.
"It is a very fine lock," cried old Conrad, with a note of pride in his voice.
I began to feel some pride in the thing myself. "It is, indeed," I said. "Try once more, Max."
It seemed to me that he struck with a great deal more confidence than before, and again they all uttered ejaculations of pleasure. I caught Dame53 Schmick in the act of thanking God with her fingers.
"See here," I exclaimed, facing them angrily, "what does all this mean? You are deceiving me, all of you. Now, let's have the truth—every word of it—or out you go to-morrow, the whole lot of you. I insist on knowing who that woman is, why she is here in my hou—my castle, and—everything, do you understand?"
Apparently they didn't understand, for they looked at me with all the stupidity they could command.
"You try, Mr. Poopendyke," I said, giving it up in despair. He sought to improve on my German, but I think he made it worse. They positively54 refused to be intelligent.
"Give me the hammer," I said at last in desperation. Max surrendered the clumsy, old-fashioned instrument with a grin and I motioned for them all to stand back. Three successive blows with all the might I had in my body failed to shatter the lock, whereupon my choler rose to heights hitherto unknown, I being a very mild-mannered, placid55 person and averse30 to anything savouring of the tempestuous56. I delivered a savage57 and resounding58 thwack upon the broad oak panel of the door, regardless of the destructiveness that might attend the effort. If any one had told me that I couldn't splinter an oak board with a sledge-hammer at a single blow I should have laughed in his face. But as it turned out in this case I not only failed to split the panel but broke off the sledge handle near the head, putting it wholly out of commission for the time being as well as stinging my hands so severely59 that I doubled up with pain and shouted words that Dame Schmick could not put into her prayers.
The Schmicks fairly glowed with joy! Afterwards Max informed me that the door was nearly six inches thick and often had withstood the assaults of huge battering60 rams61, back in the dim past when occasion induced the primal62 baron63 to seek safety in the east wing, which, after all, appears to have been the real, simon pure fortress64. The west wing was merely a setting for festal amenities65 and was by no means feudal66 in its aspect or appeal. Here, as I came to know, the old barons67 received their friends and feasted them and made merry with the flagon and the horn of plenty; here the humble68 tithe69 payer came to settle his dues with gold and silver instead of with blood; here the little barons and baronesses70 romped71 and rioted with childish glee; and here the barons grew fat and gross and soggy with laziness and prosperity, and here they died in stupid quiescence72. On the other side of that grim, staunch old door they simply went to the other extreme in every particular. There they killed their captives, butchered their enemies, and sometimes died with the daggers73 of traitors74 in their shivering backs.
As we trudged75 back to the lower halls, defeated but none the less impressed by our failure to devastate76 our stronghold, I was struck by the awful barrenness of the surroundings. There suddenly came over me the shocking realisation: the "contents" of the castle, as set forth77 rather vaguely78 in the bill of sale, were not what I had been led to consider them. It had not occurred to me at the time of the transaction to insist upon an inventory79, and I had been too busy since the beginning of my tenancy to take more than a passing account of my belongings80. In excusing myself for this rather careless oversight81, I can only say that during daylight hours the castle was so completely stuffed with workmen and their queer utensils82 that I couldn't do much in the way of elimination83, and by night it was so horribly black and lonesome about the place and the halls were so littered with tools and mops and timber that it was extremely hazardous84 to go prowling about, so I preferred to remain in my own quarters, which were quite comfortable and cosy85 in spite of the distance between points of convenience.
Still I was vaguely certain that many articles I had seen about the halls on my first and second visits were no longer in evidence. Two or three antique rugs, for instance, were missing from the main hall, and there was a lamentable86 suggestion of emptiness at the lower end where we had stacked a quantity of rare old furniture in order to make room for the workmen.
"Herr Schmick," said I, abruptly87 halting my party in the centre of the hall, "what has become of the rugs that were here last week, and where is that pile of furniture we had back yonder?"
Rudolph allowed the lantern to swing behind his huge legs, intentionally88 I believe, and I was compelled to relieve him of it in order that we might extract ourselves from his shadow. I have never seen such a colossal89 shadow as the one he cast.
Old Conrad was not slow in answering.
"The gentlemen called day before yesterday, mein herr, and took much away. They will return to-morrow for the remainder."
"Gentlemen?" I gasped. "Remainder?"
"The gentlemen to whom the Herr Count sold the rugs and chairs and chests and—"
"What!" I roared. Even Poopendyke jumped at this sudden exhibition of wrath90. "Do you mean to tell me that these things have been sold and carried away without my knowledge or consent? I'll have the law—"
Herr Poopendyke intervened. "They had bills of sale and orders for removal of property dated several weeks prior to your purchase, Mr. Smart. We had to let the articles go. You surely remember my speaking to you about it."
"I don't remember anything," I snapped, which was the truth. "Why—why, I bought everything that the castle contained. This is robbery! What the dickens do you mean by—"
Old Conrad held up his hands as if expecting to pacify91 me. I sputtered92 out the rest of the sentence, which really amounted to nothing.
"The Count has been selling off the lovely old pieces for the past six months, sir. Ach, what a sin! They have come here day after day, these furniture buyers, to take away the most priceless of our treasures, to sell them to the poor rich at twenty prices. I could weep over the sacrifices. I have wept, haven't I, Gretel? Eh, Rudolph? Buckets of tears have I shed, mein herr. Oceans of them. Time after time have I implored93 him to deny these rascally94 curio hunters, these blood-sucking—"
"But listen to me," I broke in. "Do you mean to say that articles have been taken away from the castle since I came into possession?"
"Many of them, sir. Always with proper credentials95, believe me. Ach, what a spendthrift he is! And his poor wife! Ach, Gott, how she must suffer. Nearly all of the grand paintings, the tapestries96 that came from France and Italy hundreds of years ago, the wonderful old bedsteads and tables that were here when the castle was new—all gone! And for mere48 songs, mein herr,—the cheapest of songs! I—I—"
"Please don't weep now, Herr Schmick," I made haste to exclaim, seeing lachrymose97 symptoms in his blear old eyes. Then I became firm once more. This knavery98 must cease, or I'd know the reason why. "The next man who comes here to cart away so much as a single piece is to be kicked out. Do you understand? These things belong to me. Kick him into the river. Or, better still, notify me and I'll do it. Why, if this goes on we'll soon be deprived of anything to sit on or sleep in or eat from! Lock the doors, Conrad, and don't admit any one without first consulting me. By Jove, I'd like to wring99 that rascal's neck. A Count! Umph!"
"Ach, he is of the noblest family in all the land," sighed old Gretel. "His grandfather was a fine man." I contrived100 to subdue101 my rage and disappointment and somewhat loudly returned to the topic from which we were drifting.
"As for those beastly padlocks, I shall have them filed off to-morrow. I give you warning, Conrad, if the keys are not forthcoming before noon to-morrow, I'll file 'em off, so help me."
"They are yours to destroy, mein herr, God knows," said he dismally102. "It is a pity to destroy fine old padlocks—"
"Well, you wait and see," said I, grimly.
His face beamed once more. "Ach, I forgot to say that there are padlocks on the other side of the door, just as on this side. It will be of no use to destroy these. The door still could not be forced. Mein Gott! How thankful I am to have remembered it in time."
"Confound you, Schmick, I believe you actually want to keep me out of that part of the castle," I exploded.
The four of them protested manfully, even Gretel.
"I have a plan, sir," said Britton. "Why not place a tall ladder in the courtyard and crawl in through one of the windows?"
"Splendid! That's what we'll do!" I cried enthusiastically. "And now let's go to bed! We will breakfast at eight, Mrs. Schmick. The early bird catches the worm, you know."
"Will you see the American ladies and gentlemen who are coming to-morrow to pick out the—"
"Yes, I'll see them," said I, compressing my lips. "Don't let me over-sleep, Britton."
"I shan't, sir," said he.
Sleep evaded103 me for hours. What with the possible proximity104 of an undesirable105 feminine neighbour, mysterious and elusive106 though she may prove to be, and the additional dread107 of dogs and babies, to say nothing of the amazing delinquencies to be laid to the late owner of the place, and the prospect108 of a visit from coarse and unfeeling bargain-hunters on the morrow, it is really not surprising that I tossed about in my baronial bed, counting sheep backwards109 and forwards over hedges and fences until the vociferous110 cocks in the stable yard began to send up their clarion111 howdy-dos to the sun. Strangely enough, with the first peep of day through the decrepit112 window shutters113 I fell into a sound sleep. Britton got nothing but grunts114 from me until half-past nine. At that hour he came into my room and delivered news that aroused me more effectually than all the alarm clocks or alarm cocks in the world could have done.
"Get up, sir, if you please," he repeated the third time. "The party of Americans is below, sir, rummaging115 about the place. They have ordered the workmen to stop work, sir, complaining of the beastly noise they make, and the dust and all that, sir. They have already selected half a dozen pieces and they have brought enough porters and carriers over in the boats to take the stuff away in—"
"Where is Poopendyke?" I cried, leaping out of bed. "I don't want to be shaved, Britton, and don't bother about the tub." He had filled my twentieth century portable tub, recently acquired, and was nervously creating a lather116 in my shaving mug,
"You look very rough, sir."
"So much the better."
"Mr. Poopendyke is in despair, sir. He has tried to explain that nothing is for sale, but the gentlemen say they are onto his game. They go right on yanking things about and putting their own prices on them and reserving them. They are perfectly delighted, sir, to have found so many old things they really want for their new houses."
"I'll—I'll put a stop to all this," I grated, seeing red for an instant.
"And the ladies, sir! There are three of them, all from New York City, and they keep on saying they are completely ravished, sir,—with joy, I take it. Your great sideboard in the dining-room is to go to Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, and the hall-seat that the first Baron used to throw his armour117 on when he came in from—"
"Great snakes!" I roared. "They haven't moved it, have they? It will fall to pieces!"
"No, sir. They are piling sconces and candelabra and andirons on it, regardless of what Mr. Poopendyke says. You'd better hurry, sir. Here is your collar and necktie—"
"I don't want 'em. Where the dickens are my trousers?"
His face fell. "Being pressed, sir, God forgive me!"
"Get out another pair, confound you, Britton. What are we coming to?"
He began rummaging in the huge clothespress, all the while regaling me with news from the regions below.
"Mr. Poopendyke has gone up to his room, sir, with his typewriter. The young lady insisted on having it. She squealed118 with joy at seeing an antique typewriter and he—he had to run away with it, 'pon my soul he did, sir."
I couldn't help laughing.
"And your golf clubs, Mr. Smart. The young gentleman of the party is perfectly carried away with them. He says they're the real thing, the genuine sixteenth century article. They are a bit rusted119, you'll remember. I left him out in the courtyard trying your brassie and mid-iron, sir, endeavouring to loft120 potatoes over the south wall. I succeeded in hiding the balls, sir. Just as I started upstairs I heard one of the new window panes121 in the banquet hall smash, sir, so I take it he must have sliced his drive a bit."
"Who let these people in?" I demanded in smothered122 tones from the depths of a sweater I was getting into in order to gain time by omitting a collar.
"They came in with the plumbers123, sir, at half-past eight. Old man Schmick tried to keep them out, but they said they didn't understand German and walked right by, leaving their donkeys in the roadway outside."
"Couldn't Rudolph and Max stop them?" I cried, as my head emerged.
"They were still in bed, sir. I think they're at breakfast now."
"Good lord!" I groaned124, looking at my watch. "Nine-thirty! What sort of a rest cure am I conducting here?"
We hurried downstairs so fast that I lost one of my bedroom slippers126. It went clattering127 on ahead of us, making a shameful128 racket on the bare stones, but Britton caught it up in time to save it from the clutches of the curio-vandals. My workmen were lolling about the place, smoking vile129 pipes and talking in guttural whispers. All operations appeared to have ceased in my establishment at the command of the far from idle rich. Two portly gentlemen in fedoras were standing130 in the middle of the great hall, discussing the merits of a dingy131 old spinet132 that had been carried out of the music room by two lusty porters from the hotel. From somewhere in the direction of the room where the porcelains134 and earthenware135 were stored came the shrill136, excited voices of women. The aged Schmicks were sitting side by side on a window ledge14, with the rigid137 reticence138 of wax figures.
As I came up, I heard one of the strangers say to the other:
"Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it. My wife says it can be made into a writing desk with a little—"
"I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said I confronting them. "Will you be good enough to explain this intrusion?"
They stared at me as if I were a servant asking for higher wages. The speaker, a fat man with a bristly moustache and a red necktie, drew himself up haughtily139.
"Who the devil are you?" he demanded, fixing me with a glare.
I knew at once that he was the kind of an American I have come to hate with a zest140 that knows no moderation; the kind that makes one ashamed of the national melting pot. I glared back at him.
"I happen to be the owner of this place, and you'll oblige me by clearing out."
"What's that? Here, here, none of that sort of talk, my friend. We're here to look over your stuff, and we mean business, but you won't get anywhere by talking like—"
"There is nothing for sale here," I said shortly. "And you've got a lot of nerve to come bolting into a private house—"
"Say," said the second man, advancing with a most insulting scowl141, "we'll understand each other right off the reel, my friend. All you've got to do is to answer us when we ask for prices. Now, bear that in mind, and don't try any of your high-and-mighty tactics on us."
"Just remember that you're a junk-dealer and we'll get along splendidly," said the other, in a tone meant to crush me. "What do you ask for this thing?" tapping the dusty spinet with his walking-stick.
It suddenly occurred to me that the situation was humorous.
"You will have to produce your references, gentlemen, before I can discuss anything with you," I said, after swallowing very hard. (It must have been my pride.)
They stared. "Good Lord!" gasped the bristly one, blinking his eyes. "Don't you know who this gentleman is? You—you appear to be an American. You must know Mr. Riley-Werkheimer of New York."
"I regret to say that I have never heard of Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. I did not know that Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer's husband was living. And may I ask who you are?"
"Oh, I am also a nobody," said he, with a wink142 at his purple-jowled companion. "I am only poor old Rocksworth, the president of the—"
"Oh, don't say anything more, Mr. Rocksworth," I cried. "I have heard of you. This fine old spinet? Well, it has been reduced in price. Ten thousand dollars, Mr. Rocksworth."
"Ten thousand nothing! I'll take it at seventy-five dollars. And now let's talk about this here hall-seat. My wife thinks it's a fake. What is its history, and what sort of guarantee can you—"
"A fake!" I cried in dismay. "My dear Mr. Rocksworth, that is the very hall-seat that Pontius Pilate sat in when waiting for an audience with the first of the great Teutonic barons. The treaty between the Romans and the Teutons was signed on that table over there,—the one you have so judiciously143 selected, I perceive. Of course, you know that this was the Saxon seat of government. Charlemagne lived here with all his court."
"That's the sort of a story you fellows always put up, you skinflints from Boston. I'll bet my head you are from Boston," said Mr. Rocksworth shrewdly.
"I couldn't afford to have you lose your head, Mr. Rocksworth, so I shan't take you on," said I merrily.
"Don't get fresh now," said he stiffly.
Mr. Riley-Werkheimer walked past me to take a closer look at the seat, almost treading on my toes rather than to give an inch to me.
"You have my word for it, sir," I said quietly.
"Pish tush!" said he.
Mr. Rocksworth turned in the direction of the banquet hall.
"Carrie!" he shouted. "Come here a minute, will you?"
"Don't shout like that, Orson," came back from the porcelain133 closet. "You almost made me drop this thing."
"Well, drop it, and come on. This is important."
A minute later, three females appeared on the scene, all of them dusting their hands and curling their noses in disgust.
"I never saw such a dirty place," said the foremost, a large lady who couldn't, by any circumstance of fate, have been anybody's wife but Rocksworth's. "It's filthy147! What do you want?"
"I've bought this thing here for seventy-five. You said I couldn't get it for a nickle under a thousand. And say, this man tells me the hall seat here belonged to Pontius Pilate in—"
"Pardon me," I interrupted, "I merely said that he sat in it. I am not trying to deceive you, sir."
"And the treaty was signed on this table," said Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. He addressed himself to a plump young lady with a distorted bust148 and a twenty-two inch waist. "Maude, what do you know about the Roman-Teutonic treaty? We'll catch you now, my friend," he went on, turning to me. "My daughter is up in ancient history. She's an authority."
Miss Maude appeared to be racking her brain. I undertook to assist her.
"I mean the second treaty, after the fall of Nuremburg," I explained.
"Oh," she said, instantly relieved. "Was it really signed here, right here in this hall? Oh, Father! We must have that table."
"You are sure there was a treaty, Maude?" demanded her parent accusingly.
"Pardon me once more," I cried, and this time I plead guilty to a blush, "you are thinking of the other treaty—the one at Metz, Miss Riley-Werkheimer. This, as you will recall, ante-dates that one by—oh, several years."
"Thank you," she said, quite condescendingly. "I was confused for a moment. Of course, Father, I can't say that it was signed here or on this table as the young man says. I only know that there was a treaty. I do wish you'd come and see the fire-screen I've found—"
"Let's get this out of our system first," said her father. "If you can show me statistics and the proper proof that this is the genuine table, young man, I'll—"
"Pray rest easy, sir," I said. "We can take it up later on. The facts are—"
"And this Pontius Pilate seat," interrupted Rocksworth, biting off the end of a fresh cigar. "What about it? Got a match?"
"Get the gentleman a match, Britton," I said, thereby150 giving my valet an opportunity to do his exploding in the pantry. "I can only affirm, sir, that it is common history that Pontius Pilate spent a portion of his exile here in the sixth century. It is reasonable to assume that he sat in this seat, being an old man unused to difficult stairways. He—"
"Buy it, Orson," said his wife, with authority. "We'll take a chance on it. If it isn't the right thing, we can sell it to the second-hand151 dealers152. What's the price?"
"A thousand dollars to you, madam," said I.
They were at once suspicious. While they were busily engaged in looking the seat over as the porters shifted it about at all angles, I stepped over and ordered my workmen to resume their operations. I was beginning to get sour and angry again, having missed my coffee. From the culinary regions there ascended153 a most horrific odour of fried onions. If there is one thing I really resent it is a fried onion. I do not know why I should have felt the way I did about it on this occasion, but I am mean enough now to confess that I hailed the triumphal entry of that pernicious odour with a meanness of spirit that leaves nothing to be explained.
"Good gracious!" gasped the aristocratic Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, holding her nose. "Do you smell that"?
Mr. Rocksworth forgot his dignity. "Hate 'em?" he cried, his eyes rolling. "I just love 'em!"
"Orson!" said his wife, transfixing him with a glare. "What will people think of you?"
"I like 'em too," admitted Mr. Riley-Werkheimer, perceiving at once whom she meant by "people." He puffed155 out his chest.
At that instant the carpenters, plumbers and stone masons resumed their infernal racket, while scrubwomen, polishers and painters began to move intimately among us.
"Here!" roared Mr. Rocksworth. "Stop this beastly noise! What the deuce do you mean, sir, permitting these scoundrels to raise the dead like this? Confound 'em, I stopped them once. Here! You! Let up on that, will you?"
I moved forward apologetically. "I am afraid it is not onions you smell, ladies and gentlemen." I had taken my cue with surprising quickness. "They are raising the dead. The place is fairly alive with dead rats and—"
"Good Lord!" gasped Riley-Werkheimer. "We'll get the bubonic plague here."
"Oh, I know onions," said Rocksworth calmly. "Can't fool me on onions. They are onions, ain't they, Carrie?"
"They are!" said she. "What a pity to have this wonderful old castle actually devastated156 by workmen! It is an outrage—a crime. I should think the owner would turn over in his grave."
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," she said, eyeing me coldly with a hitherto unexposed lorgnon.
"I am," said I. "You quite took me by surprise. I should have made myself more presentable if I had known—"
"Well, let's move on upstairs," said Rocksworth. Addressing the porters he said: "You fellows get this lot of stuff together and I'll take an option on it. I'll be over to-morrow to close the deal, Mr.—Mr.—Now, where is the old Florentine mirror the Count was telling us about?"
"The Count?" said I, frowning.
"Yes, the real owner. You can't stuff me with your talk about being the proprietor157 here, my friend. You see, we happen to know the Count."
They all condescended158 to laugh at me. I don't know what I should have said or done if Britton had not returned with a box of matches at that instant—sulphur matches which added subtly to the growing illusion.
Almost simultaneously159 there appeared in the lower hall a lanky160 youth of eighteen. He was a loud-voiced, imperious sort of chap with at least three rolls to his trousers and a plum-coloured cap.
"Say, these clubs are the real stuff, all right, all right. They're as brittle161 as glass. See what I did to 'em. We can hae 'em spliced162 and rewound and I'll hang 'em on my wall. All I want is the heads anyhow."
He held up to view a headless mid-iron and brassie, and triumphantly waved a splendid cleek. My favourite clubs! I could play better from a hanging lie with that beautiful brassie than with any club I ever owned and as for the iron, I was deadly with it.
He lit a cigarette and threw the match into a pile of shavings. Old Conrad returned to life at that instant and stamped out the incipient163 blaze.
"I shouldn't consider them very good clubs, Harold, if they break off like that," said his mother.
"What do you know about clubs?" he snapped, and I at once knew what class he was in at the preparatory school.
The situation was no longer humorous. I could put up with anything but the mishandling of my devoted165 golf clubs.
Striding up to him, I snatched the remnants from his hands.
"You infernal cub166!" I roared. "Haven't you any more sense than to smash a golf club like that? For two cents I'd break this putter over your head."
"Father!" he yelled indignantly. "Who is this mucker?"
Mr. Rocksworth bounced toward me, his cane raised. I whirled upon him.
"How dare you!" he shouted. The ladies squealed.
"Paste him, Dad!" roared Harold.
But Mr. Rocksworth suddenly altered his course and put the historic treaty table between him and me. He didn't like the appearance of my rather brawny168 fist.
"You big stiff!" shouted Harold. Afterwards it occurred to me that this inelegant appellation169 may have been meant for his father, but at the time I took it to be aimed at me.
Before Harold quite knew what was happening to him, he was prancing170 down the long hall with my bony fingers grasping his collar. Coming to the door opening into the outer vestibule, I drew back my foot for a final aid to locomotion171. Acutely recalling the fact that slippers are not designed for kicking purposes, I raised my foot, removed the slipper and laid it upon a taut172 section of his trousers with all of the melancholy173 force that I usually exert in slicing my drive off the tee. I shall never forget the exquisite174 spasm175 of pleasure his plaintive176 "Ouch!" gave me.
Then Harold passed swiftly out of my life.
Mr. Rocksworth, reinforced by four reluctant mercenaries in the shape of porters, was advancing upon me. Somehow I had a vague, but unerring instinct that some one had fainted, but I didn't stop to inquire. Without much ado, I wrested177 the cane from him and sent it scuttling178 after Harold.
"Now, get out!" I roared.
"You shall pay for this!" he sputtered, quite black in the face. "Grab him, you infernal cowards!"
But the four porters slunk away, and Mr. Rocksworth faced me alone. Rudolph and Max, thoroughly179 fed and most prodigious180, were bearing down upon us, accounting181 for the flight of the mercenaries.
"Get out!" I repeated. "I am the owner of this place, Mr. Rocksworth, and I am mad through and through. Skip!"
"I'll have the law—"
"Law be hanged!"
"If it costs me a million, I'll get—"
"It will cost you a million if you don't get!" I advised him, seeing that he paused for want of breath.
I left him standing there, but had the presence of mind to wave my huge henchmen away. Mr. Riley-Werkheimer approached, but very pacifically. He was paler than he will ever be again in his life, I fear.
"This is most distressing182, most distressing, Mr.— Mr.— ahem! I've never been so outraged183 in my life. I—but, wait!" He had caught the snap in my atavistic eye. "I am not seeking trouble. We will go, sir. I—I—I think my wife has quite recovered. Are—are you all right, my dear?"
I stood aside and let them file past me. Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer moved very nimbly for one who had just been revived by smelling-salts. As her husband went by, he half halted in front of me. A curious glitter leaped into his fishy184 eyes.
"I'd give a thousand dollars to be free to do what you did to that insufferable puppy, Mr.—Mr.—ahem. A cool thousand, damn him!"
I had my coffee upstairs, far removed from the onions. A racking headache set in. Never again will I go without my coffee so long. It always gives me a headache.
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1
dispelled
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| v.驱散，赶跑( dispel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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2
wraith
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| n.幽灵；骨瘦如柴的人 | |
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3
peremptorily
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| adv.紧急地，不容分说地，专横地 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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snugly
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| adv.紧贴地；贴身地；暖和舒适地；安适地 | |
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muzzled
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| 给（狗等）戴口套( muzzle的过去式和过去分词 )； 使缄默，钳制…言论 | |
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7
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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8
ferociously
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| 野蛮地，残忍地 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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10
penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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11
whined
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| v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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12
abjectly
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| 凄惨地； 绝望地； 糟透地； 悲惨地 | |
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13
sledge
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| n.雪橇，大锤；v.用雪橇搬运，坐雪橇往 | |
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14
ledge
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| n.壁架，架状突出物；岩架，岩礁 | |
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15
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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16
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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17
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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18
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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19
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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20
enquired
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| 打听( enquire的过去式和过去分词 )； 询问； 问问题； 查问 | |
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21
aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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22
mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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23
miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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24
glowered
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| v.怒视( glower的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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26
supplicating
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| v.祈求，哀求，恳求( supplicate的现在分词 ) | |
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27
wailed
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| v.哭叫，哀号( wail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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28
abreast
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| adv.并排地；跟上(时代)的步伐，与…并进地 | |
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29
vaulted
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| adj.拱状的 | |
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30
averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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31
tortuous
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| adj.弯弯曲曲的，蜿蜒的 | |
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32
rust
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| n.锈；v.生锈；(脑子)衰退 | |
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33
rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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34
corroded
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| 已被腐蚀的 | |
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35
grizzly
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| adj.略为灰色的，呈灰色的；n.灰色大熊 | |
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36
tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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37
compassionately
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| adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地 | |
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38
smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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39
resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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40
imploringly
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| adv. 恳求地, 哀求地 | |
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41
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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42
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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43
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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44
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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45
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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46
cringing
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| adj.谄媚，奉承 | |
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47
rebounded
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| 弹回( rebound的过去式和过去分词 )； 反弹； 产生反作用； 未能奏效 | |
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48
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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49
rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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50
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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51
triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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52
dented
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| v.使产生凹痕( dent的过去式和过去分词 )；损害；伤害；挫伤（信心、名誉等） | |
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53
dame
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| n.女士 | |
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54
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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55
placid
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| adj.安静的，平和的 | |
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56
tempestuous
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| adj.狂暴的 | |
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57
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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58
resounding
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| adj. 响亮的 | |
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59
severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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60
battering
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| n.用坏，损坏v.连续猛击( batter的现在分词 ) | |
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61
rams
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| n.公羊( ram的名词复数 )；(R-)白羊（星）座；夯；攻城槌v.夯实（土等）( ram的第三人称单数 )；猛撞；猛压；反复灌输 | |
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62
primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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63
baron
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| n.男爵；(商业界等)巨头，大王 | |
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64
fortress
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| n.堡垒，防御工事 | |
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65
amenities
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| n.令人愉快的事物；礼仪；礼节；便利设施；礼仪( amenity的名词复数 )；便利设施；（环境等的）舒适；（性情等的）愉快 | |
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66
feudal
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| adj.封建的，封地的，领地的 | |
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67
barons
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| 男爵( baron的名词复数 )； 巨头； 大王； 大亨 | |
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68
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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69
tithe
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| n.十分之一税；v.课什一税，缴什一税 | |
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70
baronesses
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| n.女男爵( baroness的名词复数 )；男爵夫人[寡妇] | |
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71
romped
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| v.嬉笑玩闹( romp的过去式和过去分词 )；（尤指在赛跑或竞选等中）轻易获胜 | |
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72
quiescence
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| n.静止 | |
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73
daggers
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| 匕首，短剑( dagger的名词复数 ) | |
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74
traitors
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| 卖国贼( traitor的名词复数 )； 叛徒； 背叛者； 背信弃义的人 | |
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75
trudged
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| vt.& vi.跋涉，吃力地走（trudge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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76
devastate
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| v.使荒芜，破坏，压倒 | |
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77
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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78
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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79
inventory
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| n.详细目录，存货清单 | |
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80
belongings
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| n.私人物品，私人财物 | |
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81
oversight
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| n.勘漏，失察，疏忽 | |
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82
utensils
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| 器具，用具，器皿( utensil的名词复数 )； 器物 | |
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83
elimination
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| n.排除，消除，消灭 | |
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84
hazardous
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| adj.(有)危险的，冒险的；碰运气的 | |
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85
cosy
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| adj.温暖而舒适的，安逸的 | |
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86
lamentable
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| adj.令人惋惜的，悔恨的 | |
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87
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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88
intentionally
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| ad.故意地，有意地 | |
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89
colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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90
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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91
pacify
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| vt.使(某人)平静(或息怒)；抚慰 | |
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92
sputtered
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| v.唾沫飞溅( sputter的过去式和过去分词 )；发劈啪声；喷出；飞溅出 | |
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93
implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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94
rascally
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| adj. 无赖的，恶棍的 adv. 无赖地，卑鄙地 | |
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95
credentials
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| n.证明，资格，证明书，证件 | |
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96
tapestries
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| n.挂毯( tapestry的名词复数 )；绣帷，织锦v.用挂毯（或绣帷）装饰( tapestry的第三人称单数 ) | |
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97
lachrymose
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| adj.好流泪的，引人落泪的；adv.眼泪地，哭泣地 | |
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98
knavery
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| n.恶行，欺诈的行为 | |
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99
wring
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| n.扭绞；v.拧，绞出，扭 | |
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100
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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101
subdue
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| vt.制服，使顺从，征服；抑制，克制 | |
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102
dismally
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| adv.阴暗地，沉闷地 | |
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103
evaded
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| 逃避( evade的过去式和过去分词 )； 避开； 回避； 想不出 | |
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104
proximity
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| n.接近，邻近 | |
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105
undesirable
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| adj.不受欢迎的，不良的，不合意的，讨厌的；n.不受欢迎的人，不良分子 | |
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106
elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的 | |
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107
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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108
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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109
backwards
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| adv.往回地，向原处，倒，相反，前后倒置地 | |
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110
vociferous
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| adj.喧哗的，大叫大嚷的 | |
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111
clarion
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| n.尖音小号声；尖音小号 | |
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112
decrepit
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| adj.衰老的，破旧的 | |
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113
shutters
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| 百叶窗( shutter的名词复数 )； （照相机的）快门 | |
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114
grunts
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| （猪等）作呼噜声( grunt的第三人称单数 )； （指人）发出类似的哼声； 咕哝着说； 石鲈 | |
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115
rummaging
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| 翻找，搜寻( rummage的现在分词 )； 海关检查 | |
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116
lather
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| n.(肥皂水的)泡沫，激动 | |
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117
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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118
squealed
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| v.长声尖叫，用长而尖锐的声音说( squeal的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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119
rusted
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| v.（使）生锈( rust的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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120
loft
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| n.阁楼，顶楼 | |
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121
panes
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| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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122
smothered
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| （使）窒息， （使）透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 )； 覆盖； 忍住； 抑制 | |
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123
plumbers
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| n.管子工，水暖工( plumber的名词复数 )；[美][口]（防止泄密的）堵漏人员 | |
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124
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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125
slipper
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| n.拖鞋 | |
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126
slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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127
clattering
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| 发出咔哒声（clatter的现在分词形式） | |
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128
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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129
vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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130
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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131
dingy
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| adj.昏暗的，肮脏的 | |
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132
spinet
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| n.小型立式钢琴 | |
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133
porcelain
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| n.瓷；adj.瓷的，瓷制的 | |
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134
porcelains
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| n.瓷，瓷器( porcelain的名词复数 ) | |
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135
earthenware
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| n.土器，陶器 | |
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136
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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137
rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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138
reticence
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| n.沉默，含蓄 | |
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139
haughtily
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| adv. 傲慢地, 高傲地 | |
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140
zest
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| n.乐趣；滋味，风味；兴趣 | |
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141
scowl
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| vi.(at)生气地皱眉，沉下脸，怒视；n.怒容 | |
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142
wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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143
judiciously
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| adv.明断地，明智而审慎地 | |
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144
overdid
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| v.做得过分( overdo的过去式 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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145
curtly
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| adv.简短地 | |
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146
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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147
filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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148
bust
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| vt.打破；vi.爆裂；n.半身像；胸部 | |
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149
ceded
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| v.让给，割让，放弃( cede的过去式 ) | |
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150
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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151
second-hand
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| adj.用过的，旧的，二手的 | |
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152
dealers
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| n.商人( dealer的名词复数 )；贩毒者；毒品贩子；发牌者 | |
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153
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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154
sniffed
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| v.以鼻吸气，嗅，闻( sniff的过去式和过去分词 )；抽鼻子（尤指哭泣、患感冒等时出声地用鼻子吸气）；抱怨，不以为然地说 | |
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155
puffed
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| adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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156
devastated
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| v.彻底破坏( devastate的过去式和过去分词)；摧毁；毁灭；在感情上（精神上、财务上等）压垮adj.毁坏的；极为震惊的 | |
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157
proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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158
condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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159
simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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160
lanky
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| adj.瘦长的 | |
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161
brittle
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| adj.易碎的；脆弱的；冷淡的；(声音)尖利的 | |
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162
spliced
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| adj.（针织品）加固的n.叠接v.绞接( splice的过去式和过去分词 )；捻接（两段绳子）；胶接；粘接（胶片、磁带等） | |
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163
incipient
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| adj.起初的，发端的，初期的 | |
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164
sage
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| n.圣人，哲人；adj.贤明的，明智的 | |
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165
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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166
cub
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| n.幼兽，年轻无经验的人 | |
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167
mightily
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| ad.强烈地；非常地 | |
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168
brawny
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| adj.强壮的 | |
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169
appellation
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| n.名称，称呼 | |
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170
prancing
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| v.（马）腾跃( prance的现在分词 ) | |
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171
locomotion
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| n.运动，移动 | |
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172
taut
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| adj.拉紧的，绷紧的，紧张的 | |
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173
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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174
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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175
spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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176
plaintive
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| adj.可怜的，伤心的 | |
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177
wrested
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| （用力）拧( wrest的过去式和过去分词 )； 费力取得； （从…）攫取； （ 从… ） 强行取去… | |
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178
scuttling
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| n.船底穿孔，打开通海阀（沉船用）v.使船沉没( scuttle的现在分词 )；快跑，急走 | |
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179
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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180
prodigious
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| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
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181
accounting
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| n.会计，会计学，借贷对照表 | |
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182
distressing
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| a.使人痛苦的 | |
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183
outraged
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| a.震惊的，义愤填膺的 | |
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184
fishy
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| adj. 值得怀疑的 | |
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