Sometimes I held him captive near the piano by playing for him the haunting music of Chopin which I had but just begun to understand. He was disquieted6 however by my playing, and he said that Chopin's music was too exuberant7 and at the same time too enervating8 for me. He had come among us so recently that he was better able to judge of me than were the others, and he realized perhaps that my intellect was in danger of becoming warped9 through the nature of the artistic10 and intellectual effort it put forth11; no doubt he thought Chopin and the “Donkey's Skin” equally dangerous, and considered that I was becoming excessively affected12 and abnormal in spite of my fits of childish behavior. I am sure that he thought even my amusements were fanciful and unhealthy. Be that as it may, he one day, to my great joy, decreed that I should learn to ride horseback, but that was the only change his coming made in my education. Cowardice13 prompted me to defer14 discussion of those weighty questions appertaining to my future which I was so anxious to talk over with him; I preferred to take my time, and, too, I shrunk from making a decision, and thus by my silence I sought to prolong my childhood. Besides, I did not consider it a pressing matter after all, inasmuch as he was to be with us for some years. . . .
But one fine morning, although we had reckoned so largely on keeping him, there came news of a higher rank and an order from the naval15 department commanding him to start without delay for a distant part of the orient, where an expedition was organizing.
After a few days which were mainly spent in preparing for that unforeseen campaign he left us as if borne away by a gust16 of wind.
Our adieus were less sad this time, for we did not expect him to be absent more than two years. . . . In reality it was his eternal farewell to us; whatever is left of his body lies at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, towards the middle of the Bay of Bengal.
When he had departed, while the noise of the carriage that was bearing him away could still be heard, my mother turned to me with an expression of love that touched me to the very innermost fibre of my being; and as she drew me to her she said with the emphasis of conviction: “Thank God, at least we shall keep you with us!”
Keep me! . . . They would keep me! . . . Oh! . . . I lowered my head and turned my eyes away, for I could feel that their expression had changed, had become a little wild. I could not respond to my mother with a word or a caress17.
Such a serene18 confidence upon her part distressed19 me cruelly, for the moment in which I heard her say, “We shall keep you,” I understood, for the first time in my life, what a firm hold on my mind the project of going away had taken—of going even farther than my brother, of going everywhere upon the face of the earth.
A sea-faring life terrified me, and I relished21 the idea of it as little as ever. To a little being like me, so greatly attached to my home, bound to it by a thousand sweet ties, the very thought of it made my heart bleed. And besides, how could I break the news of such a decision to my parents, how give them so much pain and thus flagrantly outrage22 their wishes! But to renounce23 all my plans, always to remain in the same place, to be upon this earth, and to see nothing of it—what a squalid, disenchanting future! What was the use to live, what the good of growing up for that?
And in that empty parlor24 with its disordered chairs, one even overturned, and while I was still under the dark spell of our sad farewells, there beside my mother, leaning against her with eyes turned away and with soul overwhelmed with sorrow, I suddenly remembered the old log-book which I had read at sunset last spring at Limoise. The short sentences written down upon the old paper with yellow ink came slowly back to me one after the other with a charm as lulling25 and perfidious26 as that exercised by a magic incantation:
“Fair weather . . . beautiful sea . . . light breeze from the south-east . . . Shoals of dolphins . . . passing to larboard.”
And with a shudder27 of almost religious awe28, with pantheistic ecstasy29, my inward eye saw all about me the sad and vast blue splendor30 of the South Pacific Ocean.
A great calm, tinged31 with melancholy32, fell upon us after my brother's departure, and to me the days were monotonous33 in the extreme.
They had always thought of sending me to the Polytechnic34 school, but it had not been decided35 upon irrevocably. The wish to become a sailor, which had obtruded36 itself upon me almost against my will, charmed and terrified me in an almost equal degree; I lacked the courage necessary to settle such a grave matter with myself, and I always hesitated to speak of it. The upshot was that I decided to reflect over it until my next vacation, and thus by my irresolution37 and delay I secured to myself a few more months of careless childhood.
I still led as solitary38 a life as ever; it was very difficult for me to change the bent39 that my mind had taken in spite of my mental distress20 and in spite of my latent desire to roam far and wide over the earth. More than ever I stayed in the house and busied myself painting stage scenery, and playing Chopin and Beethoven; to all appearances I was tranquil40 and deeply absorbed in my dreams, and I became ever more and more attached to my home, to its every nook and corner, even to the stones in its walls. It is true that now and again I took a horseback ride, but I always went with a groom41 and never with children of my own age—I still had no young playmates.
My second year at college was much less painful than my first; it passed more quickly, and moreover I had formed an attachment42 for two of my classmates, my elders by a year or two, the only ones who had not the preceding year treated me disdainfully. The thin ice once broken, there had sprung up between us an ardent44 and sentimental45 friendship; we even called each other by our baptismal names, something that was contrary to school etiquette46. Since we never saw each other except in the schoolroom, we were obliged to communicate in mysterious whispers under the teacher's eye, our relations, consequently, were inalterably courteous47 and did not resemble the ordinary friendship between boys. I loved them with all my heart; I would have allowed myself to be cut into bits for them; and, in all sincerity48, I imagined that this affection would endure throughout my life.
My excessive exclusiveness caused me to treat the others in the class with great indifference49 and haughtiness50; still a certain superficial self, necessary for social purposes, had already begun to take shallow root, and I knew better now how to remain on good terms with them, and at the same time to keep my true self hidden from them.
I generally contrived51 to sit between my two friends, Andre and Paul. If, however, we were separated we continually and slyly exchanged notes written in a cipher52 to which we alone had the key.
These letters were always love confidences: “I have seen her to-day; she wore a blue dress trimmed with gray fur, and she had a lark's wing on her turban, etc.”—For we had chosen sweethearts who became the subject of our very poetical54 prattle55.
Something of the ridiculous and whimsical invariably marks this transition age in a boy's life, and for that reason I have thought it worth while to transcribe56 the boyish note.
Before going further I wish to say that my transition periods have lasted longer than do those of the majority of men, and during them I have been carried from one extreme to another; and, too they have caused me to touch all the perilous57 rocks along life's way,—I am also fully43 conscious of the fact that until almost my twenty-fifth year I had eccentric and absurd manners. . . .
But now I will continue with my confidences respecting our three love affairs.
Andre was ardently58 in love with a young lady almost six years older than himself who had already been introduced into society,—I believe that his affair was a case of real and deep affection.
I had chosen Jeanne for my sweetheart, and my two friends were the only beings who knew my secret. To do as they did, although I considered it a little silly, I wrote her name in cipher on the covers of my copy-books; in every way and manner I sought to persuade myself of the ardor59 of my passion, but I am bound to admit that the whole thing was a little artificial, for the amusing coquetry that Jeanne and I had indulged in early in our acquaintance had developed into a true and great friendship, a hereditary60 friendship I may call it, a continuation of that felt by our ancestors long before our birth. No, my first real love, of which I will soon speak, was for a being seen in a dream.
As for Paul—alas! His heart affair was very shocking to me, for it did particular violence to the ideas that I then had. He was in love with a little shop-girl who worked in a perfumery store, and on his Sunday holidays he gazed at her through the show-case window. It is true that she was named Stella or Olympia, and that raised her somewhat in my esteem61; and, too, Paul took pains to surround his love with an ethereal and poetic53 atmosphere in order to make it more acceptable to us. At the bottom of his cipher notes he constantly wrote, for our benefit, the sweetest rhymed verses dedicated62 to her, wherein her name, ending in “a,” recurred63 again and again, like the perfume of musk64.
In spite of my great affection for him I could not but smile pityingly over his poetic effusions. And I think that it is partly because of them that I have never, at any epoch65 in my life, had the least inclination66 to write a single line of verse. My notes were always written in a wild and free prose that outraged67 every rule.
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1
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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preoccupied
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| adj.全神贯注的，入神的；被抢先占有的；心事重重的v.占据（某人）思想，使对…全神贯注，使专心于( preoccupy的过去式) | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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longings
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| 渴望，盼望( longing的名词复数 ) | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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6
disquieted
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| v.使不安，使忧虑，使烦恼( disquiet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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7
exuberant
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| adj.充满活力的；（植物）繁茂的 | |
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enervating
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| v.使衰弱，使失去活力( enervate的现在分词 ) | |
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9
warped
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| adj.反常的；乖戾的；（变）弯曲的；变形的v.弄弯，变歪( warp的过去式和过去分词 )；使（行为等）不合情理，使乖戾， | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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11
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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14
defer
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| vt.推迟，拖延；vi.(to)遵从，听从，服从 | |
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15
naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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18
serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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21
relished
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| v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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22
outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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23
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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24
parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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25
lulling
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| vt.使镇静，使安静（lull的现在分词形式） | |
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26
perfidious
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| adj.不忠的，背信弃义的 | |
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27
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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28
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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30
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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31
tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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33
monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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34
polytechnic
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| adj.各种工艺的，综合技术的；n.工艺(专科)学校；理工(专科)学校 | |
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35
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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36
obtruded
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| v.强行向前，强行，强迫( obtrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37
irresolution
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| n.不决断，优柔寡断，犹豫不定 | |
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38
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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39
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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40
tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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41
groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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42
attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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43
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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44
ardent
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，强烈的，烈性的 | |
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45
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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46
etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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47
courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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48
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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49
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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50
haughtiness
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| n.傲慢；傲气 | |
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51
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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52
cipher
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| n.零；无影响力的人；密码 | |
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53
poetic
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| adj.富有诗意的，有诗人气质的，善于抒情的 | |
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54
poetical
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| adj.似诗人的；诗一般的；韵文的；富有诗意的 | |
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55
prattle
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| n.闲谈；v.（小孩般）天真无邪地说话；发出连续而无意义的声音 | |
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56
transcribe
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| v.抄写，誉写；改编(乐曲)；复制，转录 | |
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57
perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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58
ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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59
ardor
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| n.热情，狂热 | |
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60
hereditary
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| adj.遗传的，遗传性的，可继承的，世袭的 | |
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61
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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62
dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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63
recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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64
musk
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| n.麝香, 能发出麝香的各种各样的植物，香猫 | |
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65
epoch
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| n.(新)时代；历元 | |
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66
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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67
outraged
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| a.震惊的，义愤填膺的 | |
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