THE VANISHING PUB
PEBBLEWICK’S FAIRY TALE
SPECIAL
And the paper contained a categorical and mainly correct account of what had happened, or what seemed to have happened, to the eyes of the amazed Garge and his crowd of sympathisers. “George Burn, carpenter of this town, with Samuel Gripes, drayman in the service of Messrs. Jay and Gubbins, brewers, together with a number of other well-known residents, passed by the new building erected3 on the West Beach for various forms of entertainment and popularly called the small Universal Hall. Seeing outside it one of the old inn-signs now so rare, they drew the quite proper inference that the place retained the license4 to sell alcoholic5 liquors, which so many other places in this neighborhood have recently lost. The persons inside, however, appear to have denied all knowledge of the fact, and when the party (after some regrettable scenes in which no life was lost) came out on the beach again, it was found that the inn-sign had been destroyed or stolen. All parties were quite sober, and had indeed obtained no opportunity to be anything else. The mystery is underlying6 inquiry7.”
But this comparatively realistic record was local and spontaneous, and owed not a little to the accidental honesty of the editor. Moreover, evening papers are often more honest than morning papers, because they are written by ill-paid and hardworked underlings in a great hurry, and there is no time for more timid people to correct them. By the time the morning papers came out next day a faint but perceptible change had passed over the story of the vanishing sign-board. In the daily paper which had the largest circulation and the most influence in that part of the world, the problem was committed to a gentleman known by what seemed to the non-journalistic world the singular name of Hibbs However. It had been affixed8 to him in jest in connection with the almost complicated caution with which all his public criticisms were qualified9 at every turn; so that everything came to depend upon the conjunctions; upon “but” and “yet” and “though” and similar words. As his salary grew larger (for editors and proprietors10 like that sort of thing) and his old friends fewer (for the most generous of friends cannot but feel faintly acid at a success which has in it nothing of the infectious flavour of glory) he grew more and more to value himself as a diplomatist; a man who always said the right thing. But he was not without his intellectual nemesis11; for at last he became so very diplomatic as to be darkly and densely12 unintelligible13. People who knew him had no difficulty in believing that what he had said was the right thing, the tactful thing, the thing that should save the situation; but they had great difficulty in discovering what it was. In his early days he had had a great talent for one of the worst tricks of modern journalism15, the trick of dismissing the important part of a question as if it could wait, and appearing to get to business on the unimportant part of it. Thus, he would say, “Whatever we may think of the rights and wrongs of the vivisection of pauper16 children, we shall all agree that it should only be done, in any event, by fully17 qualified practitioners18.” But in the later and darker days of his diplomacy19, he seemed rather to dismiss the important part of a subject, and get to grips with some totally different subject, following some timid and elusive20 train of associations of his own. In his late bad manner, as they say of painters, he was just as likely to say, “Whatever we may think of the rights and wrongs of the vivisection of pauper children, no progressive mind can doubt that the influence of the Vatican is on the decline.” His nickname had stuck to him in honour of a paragraph he was alleged21 to have written when the American President was wounded by a bullet fired by a lunatic in New Orleans, and which was said to have run, “The President passed a good night and his condition is greatly improved. The assassin is not, however, a German, as was at first supposed.” Men stared at that mysterious conjunction till they wanted to go mad and to shoot somebody themselves.
Hibbs However was a long, lank22 man, with straight, yellowish hair and a manner that was externally soft and mild but secretly supercilious23. He had been, when at Cambridge, a friend of Leveson, and they had both prided themselves on being moderate politicians. But if you have had your hat smashed over your nose by one who has very recently described himself as a “law-abidin’ man,” and if you have had to run for your life with one coat-tail, and encouraged to further bodily activity by having irregular pieces of a corrugated24 iron roof thrown after you by men more energetic than yourself, you will find you emerge with emotions which are not solely25 those of a moderate politician. Hibbs However had already composed a leaderette on the Pebblewick incident, which rather pointed26 to the truth of the story, so far as his articles ever pointed to anything. His motives28 for veering29 vaguely30 in this direction were, as usual, complex. He knew the millionaire who owned the paper had a hobby of Spiritualism, and something might always come out of not suppressing a marvellous story. He knew that two at least of the prosperous artisans or small tradesmen who had attested31 the tale were staunch supporters of The Party. He knew that Lord Ivywood must be mildly but not effectually checked; for Lord Ivywood was of The Other Party. And there could be no milder or less effectual way of checking him than by allowing the paper to lend at least a temporary credit to a well-supported story that came from outside, and certainly had not been (like so many stories) created in the office. Amid all these considerations had Hibbs However steered32 his way to a more or less confirmatory article, when the sudden apparition33 of J. Leveson, Secretary, in the sub-editor’s room with a burst collar and broken eye-glasses, led Mr. Hibbs into a long, private conversation with him and a comparative reversal of his plans. But of course he did not write a new article; he was not of that divine order who make all things new. He chopped and changed his original article in such a way that it was something quite beyond the most bewildering article he had written in the past; and is still prized by those highly cultured persons who collect the worst literature of the world.
It began, indeed, with the comparatively familiar formula, “Whether we take the more lax or the more advanced view of the old disputed problem of the morality or immorality35 of the wooden sign-board as such, we shall all agree that the scenes enacted36 at Pebblewick were very discreditable, to most, though not all, concerned.” After that, tact14 degenerated37 into a riot of irrelevance38. It was a wonderful article. The reader could get from it a faint glimpse of Mr. Hibbs’s opinion on almost every other subject except the subject of the article. The first half of the next sentence made it quite clear that Mr. Hibbs (had he been present) would not have lent his active assistance to the Massacre39 of St. Bartholomew or the Massacres40 of September. But the second half of the sentence suggested with equal clearness that, since these two acts were no longer, as it were, in contemplation, and all attempts to prevent them would probably arrive a little late, he felt the warmest friendship for the French nation. He merely insisted that his friendship should never be mentioned except in the French language. It must be called an “entente” in the language taught to tourists by waiters. It must on no account be called an “understanding,” in a language understanded of the people. From the first half of the sentence following it might safely be inferred that Mr. Hibbs had read Milton, or at least the passage about sons of Belial; from the second half that he knew nothing about bad wine, let alone good. The next sentence began with the corruption43 of the Roman Empire and contrived44 to end with Dr. Clifford. Then there was a weak plea for Eugenics; and a warm plea against Conscription, which was not True Eugenics. That was all; and it was headed “The Riot at Pebblewick.”
Yet some injustice45 would be done to Hibbs However if we concealed46 the fact that this chaotic47 leader was followed by quite a considerable mass of public correspondence. The people who write to newspapers are, it may be supposed, a small, eccentric body, like most of those that sway a modern state. But at least, unlike the lawyers, or the financiers, or the members of Parliament, or the men of science, they are people of all kinds scattered48 all over the country, of all classes, counties, ages, sects49, sexes, and stages of insanity50. The letters that followed Hibbs’s article are still worth looking up in the dusty old files of his paper.
A dear old lady in the densest51 part of the Midlands wrote to suggest that there might really have been an old ship wrecked52 on the shore, during the proceedings53. “Mr. Leveson may have omitted to notice it, or, at that late hour of the evening, it may have been mistaken for a sign-board, especially by a person of defective54 sight. My own sight has been failing for some time; but I am still a diligent55 reader of your paper.” If Mr. Hibbs’s diplomacy had left one nerve in his soul undrugged, he would have laughed, or burst into tears, or got drunk, or gone into a monastery56 over a letter like that. As it was, he measured it with a pencil, and decided57 that it was just too long to get into the column.
Then there was a letter from a theorist, and a theorist of the worst sort. There is no great harm in the theorist who makes up a new theory to fit a new event. But the theorist who starts with a false theory and then sees everything as making it come true is the most dangerous enemy of human reason. The letter began like a bullet let loose by the trigger. “Is not the whole question met by Ex. iv. 3? I enclose pamphlets in which I have proved the point quite plainly, and which none of the Bishops58 or the so-called Free Church Ministers have attempted to answer. The connection between the rod or pole and the snake so clearly indicated in Scripture59 is no less clear in this case. It is well known that those who follow after strong drink often announce themselves as having seen a snake. Is it not clear that those unhappy revellers beheld60 it in its transformed state as a pole; see also Deut. xviii. 2. If our so-called religious leaders,” etc. The letter went on for thirty-three pages and Hibbs was perhaps justified61 in this case in thinking the letter rather too long.
Then there was the scientific correspondent who said—Might it not be due to the acoustic62 qualities of the hall? He had never believed in the corrugated iron hall. The very word “hall” itself (he added playfully) was often so sharpened and shortened by the abrupt63 echoes of those repeated metallic64 curves, that it had every appearance of being the word “hell,” and had caused many theological entanglements65, and some police prosecutions66. In the light of these facts, he wished to draw the editor’s attention to some very curious details about this supposed presence or absence of an inn-sign. It would be noted67 that many of the witnesses, and especially the most respectable of them, constantly refer to something that is supposed to be outside. The word “outside” occurs at least five times in the depositions68 of the complaining persons. Surely by all scientific analogy we may infer that the unusual phrase “inn-sign” is an acoustic error for “inside.” The word “inside” would so naturally occur in any discussion either about the building or the individual, when the debate was of a hygienic character. This letter was signed “Medical Student,” and the less intelligent parts of it were selected for publication in the paper.
Then there was a really humorous man, who wrote and said there was nothing at all inexplicable69 or unusual about the case. He himself (he said) had often seen a sign-board outside a pub when he went into it, and been quite unable to see it when he came out. This letter (the only one that had any quality of literature) was sternly set aside by Mr. Hibbs.
Then came a cultured gentleman with a light touch, who merely made a suggestion. Had anyone read H. G. Wells’s story about the kink in space? He contrived, indescribably, to suggest that no one had even heard of it except himself; or, perhaps, of Mr. Wells either. The story indicated that men’s feet might be in one part of the world and their eyes in another. He offered the suggestion for what it was worth. The particular pile of letters on which Hibbs However threw it, showed only too clearly what it was worth.
Then there was a man, of course, who called it all a plot of frenzied70 foreigners against Britain’s shore. But as he did not make it quite clear whether the chief wickedness of these aliens had lain in sticking the sign up or in pulling it down, his remarks (the remainder of which referred exclusively to the conversational71 misconduct of an Italian ice-cream man, whose side of the case seemed insufficiently72 represented) carried the less weight.
And then, last but the reverse of least, there plunged73 in all the people who think they can solve a problem they cannot understand by abolishing everything that has contributed to it. We all know these people. If a barber has cut his customer’s throat because the girl has changed her partner for a dance or donkey ride on Hampstead Heath, there are always people to protest against the mere41 institutions that led up to it. This would not have happened if barbers were abolished, or if cutlery were abolished, or if the objection felt by girls to imperfectly grown beards were abolished, or if the girls were abolished, or if heaths and open spaces were abolished, or if dancing were abolished, or if donkeys were abolished. But donkeys, I fear, will never be abolished.
There were plenty of such donkeys in the common land of this particular controversy74. Some made it an argument against democracy, because poor Garge was a carpenter. Some made it an argument against Alien Immigration, because Misysra Ammon was a Turk. Some proposed that ladies should no longer be admitted to any lectures anywhere, because they had constituted a slight and temporary difficulty at this one, without the faintest fault of their own. Some urged that all holiday resorts should be abolished; some urged that all holidays should be abolished. Some vaguely denounced the sea-side; some, still more vaguely, proposed to remove the sea. All said that if this or that, stones or sea-weed or strange visitors or bad weather or bathing machines were swept away with a strong hand, this which had happened would not have happened. They only had one slight weakness, all of them; that they did not seem to have the faintest notion of what had happened. And in this they were not inexcusable. Nobody did know what had happened; nobody knows it to this day, of course, or it would be unnecessary to write this story. No one can suppose this story is written from any motive27 save that of telling the plain, humdrum75 truth.
That queer confused cunning which was the only definable quality possessed76 by Hibbs However had certainly scored a victory so far, for the tone of the weekly papers followed him, with more intelligence and less trepidation77; but they followed him. It seemed more and more clear that some kind of light and sceptical explanation was to be given of the whole business, and that the whole business was to be dropped.
The story of the sign-board and the ethical78 chapel79 of corrugated iron was discussed and somewhat disparaged80 in all the more serious and especially in the religious weeklies, though the Low Church papers seemed to reserve their distaste chiefly for the sign-board; and the High Church papers chiefly for the Chapel. All agreed that the combination was incongruous, and most treated it as fabulous81. The only intellectual organs which seemed to think it might have happened were the Spiritualist papers, and their interpretation82 had not that solidity which would have satisfied Mr. George.
It was not until almost a year after that it was felt in philosophical83 circles that the last word had been said on the matter. An estimate of the incident and of its bearing on natural and supernatural history occurred in Professor Widge’s celebrated84 “Historicity of the Petro-Piscatorial85 Phenomena”; which so profoundly affected86 modern thought when it came out in parts in the Hibbert Journal. Everyone remembers Professor Widge’s main contention87, that the modern critic must apply to the thaumaturgics of the Lake of Tiberias the same principle of criticism which Dr. Bunk88 and others have so successfully applied89 to the thaumaturgics of the Cana narrative90: “Authorities as final as Pink and Toscher,” wrote the Professor, “have now shown with an emphasis that no emancipated91 mind is entitled to question, that the Aqua-Vinic thaumaturgy at Cana is wholly inconsistent with the psychology92 of the ‘master of the feast,’ as modern research has analysed it; and indeed with the whole Judæo-Aramaic psychology at that stage of its development, as well as being painfully incongruous with the elevated ideals of the ethical teacher in question. But as we rise to higher levels of moral achievement, it will probably be found necessary to apply the Canaic principle to other and later events in the narrative. This principle has, of course, been mainly expounded93 by Huscher in the sense that the whole episode is unhistorical, while the alternative theory, that the wine was non-alcoholic and was naturally infused into the water, can claim on its side the impressive name of Minns. It is clear that if we apply the same alternative to the so-called Miraculous94 Draught95 of Fishes we must either hold with Gilp, that the fishes were stuffed representations of fishes artificially placed in the lake (see the Rev34. Y. Wyse’s “Christo-Vegetarianism as a World-System,” where this position is forcibly set forth), or we must, on the Huscherian hypothesis, deprive the Piscatorial narrative of all claim to historicity whatever.
“The difficulty felt by the most daring critics (even Pooke) in adopting this entirely96 destructive attitude, is the alleged improbability of so detailed97 a narrative being founded on so slight a phrase as the anti-historical critics refer it to. It is urged by Pooke, with characteristic relentless98 reasoning, that according to Huscher’s theory a metaphorical99 but at least noticeable remark, such as, ‘I will make you fishers of men,’ was expanded into a realistic chronicle of events which contains no mention, even in the passages evidently interpolated, of any men actually found in the nets when they were hauled up out of the sea; or, more properly, lagoon100.
“It must appear presumptuous101 or even bad taste for anyone in the modern world to differ on any subject from Pooke; but I would venture to suggest that the very academic splendour and unique standing42 of the venerable professor (whose ninety-seventh birthday was so beautifully celebrated in Chicago last year), may have forbidden him all but intuitive knowledge of how errors arise among the vulgar. I crave102 pardon for mentioning a modern case known to myself (not indeed by personal presence, but by careful study of all the reports) which presents a curious parallel to such ancient expansions of a text into an incident, in accordance with Huscher’s law.
“It occurred at Pebblewick, in the south of England. The town had long been in a state of dangerous religious excitement. The great religious genius who has since so much altered our whole attitude to the religions of the world, Misysra Ammon, had been lecturing on the sands to thousands of enthusiastic hearers. Their meetings were often interrupted, both by children’s services run on the most ruthless lines of orthodoxy and by the League of the Red Rosette, the formidable atheist103 and anarchist104 organization. As if this were not enough to swell105 the whirlpool of fanaticism106, the old popular controversy between the Milnian and the Complete Sublapsarians broke out again on the fated beach. It is natural to conjecture107 that in the thickening atmosphere of theology in Pebblewick, some controversialist quoted the text ‘An evil and adulterous generation seek for a sign. But no sign shall be given it save the sign of the prophet Jonas.’
“A mind like that of Pooke will find it hard to credit, but it seems certain that the effect of this text on the ignorant peasantry of southern England was actually to make them go about looking for a sign, in the sense of those old tavern108 signs now so happily disappearing. The ‘sign of the Prophet Jonas,’ they somehow translated in their stunted109 minds into a sign-board of the ship out of which Jonah was thrown. They went about literally110 looking for ‘The Sign of the Ship,’ and there are some cases of their suffering Smail’s Hallucination and actually seeing it. The whole incident is a curious parallel to the Gospel narrative and a triumphant111 vindication112 of Huscher’s law.”
Lord Ivywood paid a public compliment to Professor Widge, saying that he had rolled back from his country what might have been an ocean of superstitions113. But, indeed, poor Hibbs had struck the first and stunning114 blow that scattered the brains of all men.
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1 simultaneously | |
adv.同时发生地,同时进行地 | |
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v.写,刻( inscribe的过去式和过去分词 );内接 | |
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3 ERECTED | |
adj. 直立的,竖立的,笔直的 vt. 使 ... 直立,建立 | |
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4 license | |
n.执照,许可证,特许;v.许可,特许 | |
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5 alcoholic | |
adj.(含)酒精的,由酒精引起的;n.酗酒者 | |
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6 underlying | |
adj.在下面的,含蓄的,潜在的 | |
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7 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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8 affixed | |
adj.[医]附着的,附着的v.附加( affix的过去式和过去分词 );粘贴;加以;盖(印章) | |
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adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
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10 proprietors | |
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11 nemesis | |
n.给以报应者,复仇者,难以对付的敌手 | |
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12 densely | |
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13 unintelligible | |
adj.无法了解的,难解的,莫明其妙的 | |
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14 tact | |
n.机敏,圆滑,得体 | |
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15 journalism | |
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16 pauper | |
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17 fully | |
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18 practitioners | |
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19 diplomacy | |
n.外交;外交手腕,交际手腕 | |
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20 elusive | |
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21 alleged | |
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22 lank | |
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23 supercilious | |
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24 corrugated | |
adj.波纹的;缩成皱纹的;波纹面的;波纹状的v.(使某物)起皱褶(corrugate的过去式和过去分词) | |
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25 solely | |
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28 motives | |
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29 veering | |
n.改变的;犹豫的;顺时针方向转向;特指使船尾转向上风来改变航向v.(尤指交通工具)改变方向或路线( veer的现在分词 );(指谈话内容、人的行为或观点)突然改变;(指风) (在北半球按顺时针方向、在南半球按逆时针方向)逐渐转向;风向顺时针转 | |
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31 attested | |
adj.经检验证明无病的,经检验证明无菌的v.证明( attest的过去式和过去分词 );证实;声称…属实;使宣誓 | |
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33 apparition | |
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34 rev | |
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35 immorality | |
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38 irrelevance | |
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39 massacre | |
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40 massacres | |
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44 contrived | |
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45 injustice | |
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47 chaotic | |
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48 scattered | |
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49 sects | |
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50 insanity | |
n.疯狂,精神错乱;极端的愚蠢,荒唐 | |
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51 densest | |
密集的( dense的最高级 ); 密度大的; 愚笨的; (信息量大得)难理解的 | |
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52 wrecked | |
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53 proceedings | |
n.进程,过程,议程;诉讼(程序);公报 | |
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54 defective | |
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55 diligent | |
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56 monastery | |
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57 decided | |
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58 bishops | |
(基督教某些教派管辖大教区的)主教( bishop的名词复数 ); (国际象棋的)象 | |
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59 scripture | |
n.经文,圣书,手稿;Scripture:(常用复数)《圣经》,《圣经》中的一段 | |
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60 beheld | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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61 justified | |
a.正当的,有理的 | |
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62 acoustic | |
adj.听觉的,声音的;(乐器)原声的 | |
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63 abrupt | |
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64 metallic | |
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65 entanglements | |
n.瓜葛( entanglement的名词复数 );牵连;纠缠;缠住 | |
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66 prosecutions | |
起诉( prosecution的名词复数 ); 原告; 实施; 从事 | |
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67 noted | |
adj.著名的,知名的 | |
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68 depositions | |
沉积(物)( deposition的名词复数 ); (在法庭上的)宣誓作证; 处置; 罢免 | |
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69 inexplicable | |
adj.无法解释的,难理解的 | |
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70 frenzied | |
a.激怒的;疯狂的 | |
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71 conversational | |
adj.对话的,会话的 | |
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72 insufficiently | |
adv.不够地,不能胜任地 | |
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73 plunged | |
v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 );暴跌;骤降;突降 | |
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74 controversy | |
n.争论,辩论,争吵 | |
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75 humdrum | |
adj.单调的,乏味的 | |
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76 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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77 trepidation | |
n.惊恐,惶恐 | |
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78 ethical | |
adj.伦理的,道德的,合乎道德的 | |
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79 chapel | |
n.小教堂,殡仪馆 | |
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80 disparaged | |
v.轻视( disparage的过去式和过去分词 );贬低;批评;非难 | |
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81 fabulous | |
adj.极好的;极为巨大的;寓言中的,传说中的 | |
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82 interpretation | |
n.解释,说明,描述;艺术处理 | |
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83 philosophical | |
adj.哲学家的,哲学上的,达观的 | |
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84 celebrated | |
adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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85 piscatorial | |
adj.鱼的;渔业的 | |
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86 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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87 contention | |
n.争论,争辩,论战;论点,主张 | |
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88 bunk | |
n.(车、船等倚壁而设的)铺位;废话 | |
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89 applied | |
adj.应用的;v.应用,适用 | |
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90 narrative | |
n.叙述,故事;adj.叙事的,故事体的 | |
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91 emancipated | |
adj.被解放的,不受约束的v.解放某人(尤指摆脱政治、法律或社会的束缚)( emancipate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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92 psychology | |
n.心理,心理学,心理状态 | |
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93 expounded | |
论述,详细讲解( expound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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94 miraculous | |
adj.像奇迹一样的,不可思议的 | |
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95 draught | |
n.拉,牵引,拖;一网(饮,吸,阵);顿服药量,通风;v.起草,设计 | |
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96 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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97 detailed | |
adj.详细的,详尽的,极注意细节的,完全的 | |
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98 relentless | |
adj.残酷的,不留情的,无怜悯心的 | |
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99 metaphorical | |
a.隐喻的,比喻的 | |
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100 lagoon | |
n.泻湖,咸水湖 | |
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101 presumptuous | |
adj.胆大妄为的,放肆的,冒昧的,冒失的 | |
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102 crave | |
vt.渴望得到,迫切需要,恳求,请求 | |
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103 atheist | |
n.无神论者 | |
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104 anarchist | |
n.无政府主义者 | |
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105 swell | |
vi.膨胀,肿胀;增长,增强 | |
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106 fanaticism | |
n.狂热,盲信 | |
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107 conjecture | |
n./v.推测,猜测 | |
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108 tavern | |
n.小旅馆,客栈;小酒店 | |
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109 stunted | |
adj.矮小的;发育迟缓的 | |
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110 literally | |
adv.照字面意义,逐字地;确实 | |
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111 triumphant | |
adj.胜利的,成功的;狂欢的,喜悦的 | |
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112 vindication | |
n.洗冤,证实 | |
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113 superstitions | |
迷信,迷信行为( superstition的名词复数 ) | |
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114 stunning | |
adj.极好的;使人晕倒的 | |
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