This affair inaugurated hard times for Eve, nor did the bitterness that it aroused in her help her to bear the new life with philosophy. It had had something of the effect on her that the first discovery of sex has upon a sensitive child. She felt disgusted, shocked, saddened. Life would never be quite the same, at least, so she told herself, for this double treachery had shaken her trust, and she wondered whether all men were like Hugh Massinger, and all women careful hypocrites like Miss Champion.
She longed for Kate Duveen’s sharp and acrid8 sincerity9. Hers was a personality that might take the raw taste out of her mouth, but Eve did not write to Kate to tell her what had happened. Her pride was still able to keep its own flag flying, and it seemed contemptible10 to cry out and complain over the first wound.
One thing was certain, her income had stopped abruptly11. She had about thirty-five pounds left to her credit at the bank. The rent of her rooms was a pound a week, and she found that her food cost her about twelve shillings, this sum including the sixpenny lunches and fourpenny teas that she had in the City. Putting her expenditure12 at thirty-five shillings a week, she had enough money to last her for twenty weeks, granted, of course, that nothing unexpected happened, and that she had not to face a doctor’s bill.
It behoved her to bustle13 round, to cast her net here, there, and everywhere for work. She entered her name at several “Agencies,” but found that the agents were none too sanguine14 when she had to confess that she could neither write shorthand nor use a typewriter. Her abilities were of that higher order whose opportunities are more limited. People did not want artistic15 cleverness. The need was all for drudges16.
During her first workless week at Bosnia Road, she designed a number of fashion plates, and painted half a dozen little pictures. She called at one of the despised picture shops, and suggested to the proprietor17 that he might be willing to sell these pictures on commission. The proprietor, a depressed18 and flabby dyspeptic, was not encouraging.
“I could fill my window with that sort of stuff if I wanted to. People don’t want flowers and country cottages. Can’t you paint pink babies and young mothers, and all that?”
Eve went elsewhere, and after many wanderings, discovered a gentleman in the West Central district who was ready to show her pictures in his window. He was a little more appreciative19, and had a better digestion20 than the man who had talked of babies.
“Yes, that’s quite a nice patch of colour. I don’t mind showing them. People sometimes like to get the real thing—cheap.”
“What would one ask for a thing of this kind?”
“Oh, half a crown to five shillings. One can’t expect much more.”
“Well, you see, miss, we’ve all got digestions23, but not many of us have taste.”
Her next attempt was to dispose of some of her dress designs, and since she had become familiar at Miss Champion’s with the names of certain firms who were willing to buy such creations, she knew where to find a possible market. It seemed wiser to call in person than to send the designs by post, and she spent a whole day trying to interview responsible persons in West End establishments. One firm rebuffed her with the frank statement that they were over-supplied with such creations. At two other places she was told to leave her designs to be looked at. At her last attempt she succeeded in obtaining an interview with a hungry-looking and ill-tempered elderly woman who was writing letters in a little glass-panelled office at the back of a big shop.
Eve disliked the woman from the first glance, but she was grateful to her for having taken the trouble to give her an interview.
“I wondered whether Messrs. Smith might have any use for designs for new spring and summer frocks?”
“Sit down. Let me see.”
Eve unwrapped the drawings and handed them to the person in authority, who glanced through them as though she were shuffling25 a pack of cards.
“Had any technical training? Not much, I think.”
“I have lived in Paris.”
“That’s an excuse, I suppose. There are one or two possible ideas here. Leave the designs. I’ll consider them.”
She laid them down on her desk and looked at Eve in a way that told her that she was expected to go.
“I had better leave my address.”
“Isn’t it on the cards?”
“No!”
“Then write it.”
She pushed a pen and ink towards Eve, and turned to resume the work that had been interrupted.
When Eve had gone, the good lady picked up the designs, looked them carefully through, and then pushed the button of a bell in the wall behind her. A flurried young woman with a snub nose, and untidy yellow hair, came in.
“Here, Miss Rush, copy those two. Then pack them all up and send them back to the address written on that one. Say we’ve looked at them, and that none are suitable.”
The snub-nosed young woman understood, and two of Eve’s designs were appropriated, at a cost to Messrs. Smith of twopence for postage. That was good business. The whole batch26 was returned to Eve in the course of three days, with a laconic type-written statement that the designs had received careful consideration, but had been found to be unsuitable.
She had not seen Mr. Parfit since the loss of her secretaryship, in fact, not since Christmas, the morning walks to Highbury Corner having become unnecessary. On the afternoon of the second Saturday in January, Eve happened to be standing27 at her window, dressed to go out, when she saw him strolling along the path on the other side of the road. He glanced at her window as he passed, and, turning when he had gone some thirty yards, came slowly back again.
A sudden hunger for companionship seized her, a desire to listen to a friendly voice, and to feel that she was not utterly28 alone. She hurried out, drawing on her gloves, and found “the Bourgeois29 of Clarendon Grove” on the point of repassing her doorway30.
He raised his hat, beamed, and came across.
“Why, here you are! I hope you haven’t been ill?”
“No.”
“I began to get quite worried.”
It gave her pleasure to find that someone had troubled to wonder what had happened.
“I have given up my post, and so I have no reason for starting out early.”
His round eyes studied her attentively31.
“Oh, that’s it!”
He had sense enough not to begin by asking questions.
“I was just going to take a breather round by the Fields. Suppose you’re booked for something?”
“No.”
“Well, why shouldn’t I tell you all about Christmas! Jane’s coming to look you up.”
“That’s very good of her.”
They started off together with a tacit acceptance of the situation, Mr. Parfit showing an elaborate politeness in taking the outside of the pavement. His whole air was that of a cheery and paternal32 bachelor on his very best and most benignant behaviour. And Eve, without knowing quite why, trusted him.
“We had a gorgeous time down at Croydon.”
“I’m so glad. I enjoyed the chocolates and the books. I suppose the sugar-box was a great success?”
“Rather! I had a joke with the kids. I had two lots of presents, one lot on top, the other down below. Up above there were two pairs of socks for Percy, a prayer-book for Fred, a box of needles and cottons for Beatie, and a goody-goody book for Mab. You should have seen their faces, and the way the little beggars tried to gush33 and do the polite. ‘Oh, uncle, it’s just what I wanted!’ But it was all right down below. They found the right sort of loot down there.”
Eve laughed, and was surprised at the spontaneity of her own laughter. She had not laughed like that for many weeks.
“I think you must be a delightful34 uncle.”
“Now, do you, really? It really makes it seem worth doing, you know. You’d like the kids.”
“I’m sure I should.”
“They’re little sports, the lot of them.”
She found presently that he was trying to turn the conversation towards herself, and he manœuvred with more delicacy35 than she had imagined him to possess. She met the attempt by making a show of frankness.
“I did not like my berth36, so I threw it up. Meanwhile I am trying to do a little business in paintings and fashion plates, while I look out for something else.”
“Suppose you are rather particular?”
“I don’t want to take just anything that comes, if I can help it.”
“Of course not. You’ve got brains.”
“I can’t do the ordinary things that women are supposed to do—type and write shorthand and keep books.”
She noticed that his expression had grown more serious.
“We’re all for utility in these days, you know. Beastly unromantic world. We can only get our adventures by reading novels. I’m sorry for the girls who have to work. They don’t get fair opportunities, or a fair starting chance, except the few who can afford to spend a little money on special education. It’s no fun supplying cheap labour.”
“I suppose not.”
He drew a very deep and mind-deciding breath.
“No offence meant, but if I can be of use at any time, just give me the word.”
“It’s very kind of you to say that.”
“Nonsense, not a bit of it. We are both workers, aren’t we?”
Some days Eve got panic. A great cloud shadow seemed to be drifting towards her, and already she felt it chilling her, and shutting out the sunlight. She asked herself what was going to happen if she spent all her capital before she found a means of earning money regularly, and she lay awake at night, plotting all manner of schemes. Her sense of loneliness and isolation37 became a black cupboard into which Fate shut her ever and again as a harsh nurse shuts up a disobedient child. She thought of leaving Bosnia Road and of moving into cheaper quarters, and she cut her economies to the lowest point. Even Mrs. Buss’s face reflected her penuriousness38, for the florid woman was less succulently urbane39, and showed a tendency to be curt40 and off-hand.
Eve had begun to realise what a great city meant, with its agonies and its struggles. It was like a huge black pool in which one went drifting round and round with thousands of other creatures, clutching at straws, and even at other struggling things in the effort to keep afloat. There was always the thought of the ooze41 below, and the horror of submergence. Sometimes this troubled mind-picture reminded her of the wreck42 of the Titanic43, with hundreds of little black figures swarming44 like beetles45 in the water, drowning each other in the lust46 to live. It was when the panic moods seized her that she was troubled by these morbid47 visions, for one loses one’s poise48 at such times, and one’s fears loom49 big and sinister50 as through a fog.
She had sold one picture in a fortnight, and it had brought her exactly three and sixpence. Her fashion-plates were returned. The various agencies were able to offer her situations as a domestic servant, the reality being indecently disguised under the description of “lady help.” She rebelled at the suggestion, and even a panic mood could not reduce her to considering that particular form of slavery, her pride turning desperate and aggressive, and crying out that it would be better for her to indulge in any sort of adventure, to turn suffragette and break windows, rather than go into some middle-class household as an anomaly, and be the victim of some other woman’s moods and prejudices.
Certain assertions that Canterton had made to her developed a sharp and vital significance. It ought not to be necessary for sensitive women to have to go down and work in the shambles51. Money is a protective covering; art a mere52 piece of beautiful flimsiness that cannot protect the wearer from cold winds and contempt. The love of money is nothing more than the love of life and the harmony of full self-expression. Only amazing luck or a curious concatenation of coincidences can bring ability to the forefront when that ability starts with an empty pocket. People do not want art, but only to escape from being bored. Most of those who patronise any form of art do so for the sake of ostentation53, that their money and their success may advertise themselves.
She realised now what she had lost in abandoning that life at Fernhill, and she looked back on it as something very near the ideal, green, spacious54, sympathetic, free from all the mean and petty anxieties, a life wherein she could express all that was finest in her, without having to dissipate her enthusiasm on the butter-dish or the coal-box. It had meant protection and comradeship. She was sufficiently55 human in a feminine sense to feel the need of them, and there was a sufficiency of the clinging spirit in her to make her regret that she had gained a so-called independence. She was nearer now to discovering why some women are loved and others ignored. Evolution has taught the male to feel protective, and the expressing of this protective tenderness provides man with one of the most beautifying experiences that life can give. The aggressive and independent woman may satisfy a new steel-bright pride, but she has set herself against one of the tendencies of Nature. Argue as one may about evolving a new atmosphere, of redistributing the factors of life, this old fact remains56. The aggressive and independent woman will never be loved in the same way. No doubt she will protest that her aim is to escape from this conception of love—sexual domination, that is what it has been dubbed57, and rightly so in the multitude of cases. But a cloud of contentions58 cannot damp out the under-truth. The newmade woman will never challenge all that is best in man. She will continue to remain in ignorance of what man is.
Even in her panic moments Eve could not bring herself to write to Canterton. She felt that she could not reopen the past, when it was she who had closed it. She recoiled59 from putting herself in a position that might make it possible for him to offer her money.
One of the hardest parts of it all was that she had to live the whole time with her anxious economies. She could not afford to escape from them, to pay to forget. A shilling was a big consideration, a penny every bit a penny. Once or twice, when she was feeling particularly miserable60, she let herself go to the desperate extent of a half-crown seat in the pit. And the next day she would regret the extravagance, and lunch on a scone61 and a glass of milk.
Then Mr. Parfit appeared in the light of a provider of amusements. One Thursday evening she had a note from him, written in his regular, commercial hand.
“Dear Miss Carfax,—I have three dress-circles for a matinée of ‘The Lost Daughter’ on Saturday afternoon. Jane is coming up from Croydon. Will you honour me by joining us? We might have a little lunch at Frascati’s before the theatre. I shall be proud if you accept, and I want you to meet Jane.
“Very sincerely yours,
“John Parfit.”
She did accept, glad to escape from herself for an afternoon, and refusing to ask herself any serious questions. Mr. Parfit was in great spirits. Eve discovered “Sister Jane” to be a stout62, blonde, good-humoured woman with an infinite capacity for feeling domestic affection. She studied Eve with feminine interest, and meeting her brother’s eyes, smiled at him from time to time with motherly approval.
The play was a British Public play, sentimentally63 sexual, yet guardedly inoffensive. Eve enjoyed it. She found that John Parfit had to use his handkerchief, and that he became thick in the throat. She did not like him any the less for being capable of emotion. It seemed to be part of his personality.
Afterwards they had tea together, and Mr. Parfit’s benevolence64 became tinged65 with affectionate playfulness. He made jokes, teased his sister, and tried to make Eve enter into a guessing competition as to which fancy cakes each would choose.
She appreciated his discretion5 when he put her in a taxi, gave the driver four shillings, and packed her off to Bosnia Road. He himself was going to see Jane off at Charing66 Cross. Also, he and Jane had something to discuss.
“Well, old thing, how does she strike you?”
“I’m a cautious soul, John, but I’m a woman, and we’re quick about other women. She’s the right stuff, even if she’s clever, and a little proud. It doesn’t do a girl any harm to have a little pride. Fine eyes, too, and good style.”
“I knew you’d think that.”
“Did you now? What do you know about women, you great big baby?”
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1
hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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acrid
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| adj.辛辣的，尖刻的，刻薄的 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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bustle
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| v.喧扰地忙乱，匆忙，奔忙；n.忙碌；喧闹 | |
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sanguine
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| adj.充满希望的，乐观的，血红色的 | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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drudges
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| n.做苦工的人，劳碌的人( drudge的名词复数 ) | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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appreciative
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| adj.有鉴赏力的，有眼力的；感激的 | |
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digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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laconic
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| adj.简洁的；精练的 | |
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digestions
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| n.消化能力( digestion的名词复数 )；消化，领悟 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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shuffling
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| adj. 慢慢移动的, 滑移的 动词shuffle的现在分词形式 | |
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batch
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| n.一批(组，群)；一批生产量 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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gush
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| v.喷，涌；滔滔不绝(说话)；n.喷，涌流；迸发 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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berth
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| n.卧铺，停泊地，锚位；v.使停泊 | |
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isolation
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| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
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penuriousness
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urbane
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| adj.温文尔雅的，懂礼的 | |
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curt
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| adj.简短的，草率的 | |
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ooze
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| n.软泥，渗出物；vi.渗出，泄漏；vt.慢慢渗出，流露 | |
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wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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titanic
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| adj.巨人的，庞大的，强大的 | |
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swarming
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| 密集( swarm的现在分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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beetles
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| n.甲虫( beetle的名词复数 ) | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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loom
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| n.织布机，织机；v.隐现，(危险、忧虑等)迫近 | |
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sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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shambles
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| n.混乱之处；废墟 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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ostentation
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| n.夸耀，卖弄 | |
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spacious
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| adj.广阔的，宽敞的 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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dubbed
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| v.给…起绰号( dub的过去式和过去分词 )；把…称为；配音；复制 | |
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contentions
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| n.竞争( contention的名词复数 )；争夺；争论；论点 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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scone
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| n.圆饼，甜饼，司康饼 | |
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sentimentally
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| adv.富情感地 | |
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benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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charing
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| n.炭化v.把…烧成炭，把…烧焦( char的现在分词 )；烧成炭，烧焦；做杂役女佣 | |
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