Our mother was the most beautiful person we had ever seen. Even as quite young children we were dimly conscious of the touch of pathos2 in the beauty that is frail3, as though we guessed it was never to grow old. But this was not the cloud. For the presentiment4 was too undefined, it came in a guise5 too gentle to give us present uneasiness.
In the unquestioning way of children, we accepted the fact that one's mother should be too easily tried to join in active games. But she taught us how to play. She was as much a factor in our recreation as in our lessons—so much so that we were a long time in finding out the dividing line between work and play. I think that must have been because our mother had a genius for teaching. The hard things she made stimulating6, and the easy things she made delight.[Pg 7]
No; there was an exception to this.
Not even my mother could make me good at music. She was infinitely7 patient. She made allowances for me that she never made for my sister.
Once, when I was dreadfully discouraged, I was allowed to leave my "Étude" and learn something that might be supposed to catch my fancy—a gay and foolish little waltz-tune8 called "The Emerald Isle9."
I began again—allegro, as I thought.
But "Faster, faster!" my mother kept saying, till I dropped my hands.
"How can I? You expect me to be as quick as God!"
I think this must have been after that act of His which gave us a sense of surpassing swiftness. For long I blamed my lack of skill upon my fingers; they were as stiff as Bettina's were elastic11. She kept always the hand of a very young child—so soft and pliant12 that you wondered if there were any bones in it at all until you heard the firm tone in her playing, and saw the way in[Pg 8] which, when she was stirred, she brought down the flying hands on some rich, resolving chord.
Years after I was still able only to practise, Bettina "played." And better even than her playing was Bettina's singing. That began when she was quite a baby. I see her now, a small figure, all white except her green shoes and her hair of sunset gold, singing; singing a nursery rhyme to an ancient tune my mother had found in one of her collections of old English song:
"Where are you going to, my pretty maid?"
We thought this specially14 accomplished15 of Bettina, because it was the first thing she sang in English.
I do not remember how we learned French. It must have been the first language that we spoke16. Our mother, without apparent intention, kept us to the habit of talking French when we did the pleasantest things. All the phrases and verbal framework of our games were French; all the mythology17 stories were in French.
And we seemed to fall into that tongue only by chance when we went collecting treasures for our herbarium, or the fresh-water aquarium18.[Pg 9]
We found out by-and-by that the walks we thought so adventurously19 long were little walks. We also found that our world was less uninhabited than we thought. Duncombe, we discovered, stood midway between two large country houses. Besides the cottage of Kleiner Klaus, there were other small peasant holdings, dotted like islands in our sea of green—brave little enclosures made, as we heard later, by the few who refused to be wholly dispossessed when, in the eighteenth century, the open heath had been taken from the people.
Our own Duncombe, which we thought very grand and spacious20, had been only a superior sort of farmhouse21.
Everyone has marked the shrinkage in those nobler spaces we knew as children. In our case, not all imaginary, the difference between what we thought was "ours" and what, for the time being, was. We never doubted but the boundless22 heath belonged to us as much as our garden did.
We were confirmed in our belief by the attitude of our mother towards those persons detected in daring to walk "our" paths, or touch our wildflowers, or, worst crime of all, disturb our birds.[Pg 10] The proper thing to do, on catching23 sight of any stranger, was to start with an aversion suggested by our mother's, but improved upon—more pictorial24. We would all three stare at the intruder, and then allow our eyes to travel to the nearer of the signs, "Trespassers," etc. If this pantomime did not convince the creature of the impropriety of his presence, we would look at one another with wide eyes, as though inquiring: "Can such things be? Are these, then, deliberate criminals? If so"—our looks agreed—"the company of outlaws25 is not for us." We turned our backs and went home. I was twelve before I realised that we ourselves were trespassers.
The heath belonged to Lord Helmstone.
That was a blow.
Still worse, the later knowledge that Duncombe House and garden were not our own. The laying out of a golf course, and the cheapening of the motor-car, forced the facts upon our knowledge. But I am glad that as little children we did not know these things. We saw ourselves as heiresses to the prettiest house and garden in the world. And no whit13 less to those broad acres rolling away—with foam26 of gorse and broom on[Pg 11] the crests27 of their green waves—rolling northward28 towards London and the future.
Two miles to the south was our village—source of such supplies as did not come direct from Big Klaus, or from Little Klaus. We knew the village, because when we were little we went to church there. Big Klaus, the red-faced farmer, who had a great many collie dogs and nearly as many sons, drove us to church in a dog-cart. The moment the squat29 tower came in view Bettina and I would lean out to see who would be the first to catch sight of Colonel Dover. He was nearly always waiting near the lych-gate to help my mother out of the cart. One or two other people would stop to speak as we came or went. Often they asked, Would she come to a garden-party? Would she play bridge? Would she help with a children's school-treat?
And she never did any of these things.
Bettina and I liked Colonel Dover till we overheard something Martha Loring said to the cook. Both women seemed to think my mother was going to marry him! Bettina was too young to mind much. Besides, he had beguiled30 Bettina with chocolate.[Pg 12]
I said to myself that, of course, my mother would never dream.... But the servants' gossip poisoned all the time of primroses32 that year. I thought about little else in our walks.
Once we met him. Something began that day to whisper in the back of my head: "If he asks her enough she might give in. She does to me when I persist."
Out of my first great anxiety was born the beginning of my knowledge of my mother's character.
I could see that she, too, was afraid of giving in.
But afraid of contest quite as much. Afraid of—I knew not what. But I knew she stayed away from church, because she was afraid. I knew our walks were different, because we were always thinking we might meet him.
I prayed God to give my mother strength—for Christ's sake not to let it happen. Morning and night I prayed that prayer for half a summer.
Dreadful as the issue was, I was thankful afterwards that I had taken the matter in hand.
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1
lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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2
pathos
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| n.哀婉，悲怆 | |
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3
frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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4
presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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5
guise
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| n.外表，伪装的姿态 | |
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6
stimulating
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| adj.有启发性的，能激发人思考的 | |
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7
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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8
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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9
isle
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| n.小岛，岛 | |
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10
dirge
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| n.哀乐，挽歌，庄重悲哀的乐曲 | |
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11
elastic
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| n.橡皮圈，松紧带；adj.有弹性的；灵活的 | |
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12
pliant
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| adj.顺从的；可弯曲的 | |
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13
whit
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| n.一点，丝毫 | |
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14
specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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15
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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16
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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17
mythology
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| n.神话，神话学，神话集 | |
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18
aquarium
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| n.水族馆，养鱼池，玻璃缸 | |
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19
adventurously
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| adv.爱冒险地 | |
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20
spacious
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| adj.广阔的，宽敞的 | |
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21
farmhouse
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| n.农场住宅（尤指主要住房） | |
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22
boundless
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| adj.无限的；无边无际的；巨大的 | |
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23
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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24
pictorial
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| adj.绘画的；图片的；n．画报 | |
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25
outlaws
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| 歹徒，亡命之徒( outlaw的名词复数 )； 逃犯 | |
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26
foam
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| v./n.泡沫，起泡沫 | |
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27
crests
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| v.到达山顶（或浪峰）( crest的第三人称单数 )；到达洪峰，达到顶点 | |
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northward
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| adv.向北；n.北方的地区 | |
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29
squat
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| v.蹲坐，蹲下；n.蹲下；adj.矮胖的，粗矮的 | |
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30
beguiled
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| v.欺骗( beguile的过去式和过去分词 )；使陶醉；使高兴；消磨（时间等） | |
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31
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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32
primroses
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| n.报春花( primrose的名词复数 )；淡黄色；追求享乐（招至恶果） | |
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