CHAPTER XXV GOING TO LONDON

 Mercifully, no soul can stand at the pitch of tension long. Those too frail¹ snap. The strong relax. As I have learned since, few who have to do with lingering illness but come to know the gradual, inevitable² dulling of apprehension³ in the watchers. Eric says the power of human adaptability⁴ sees to it that the abnormal state of the sufferer shall come by mere⁵ continuance to wear an air of the normal. And so the watcher, with no violence to loyalty⁶, or conscience, is relieved of the sharper sympathy.

 

Certainly, my mother seemed to us in no worse case than many a time before. Bettina and I agreed that she began to improve the moment Duncombe air was no longer poisoned for her by the presence of poor Madame Aurore. What Eric had said of our trustworthy servants was true. Yet I had brought my mother to agree that my absence, now, was to be a matter only of hours, even if I went back for the Coronation.

 

And still I was not spared a profound sinking[Pg 245] of the heart at the moment of leave-taking. I put my misgiving⁷ down to the fear that parting from Bettina for four long weeks, would be more than my mother's scant⁸ reserve of strength could bear.

 

As for Bettina (oh, when I remember that!)—Bettina showed the bravest front; calling back from the door: "I shall write you every blessed day."

 

"Yes," my mother steadied her voice to answer. "I shall want to hear everything. The good and—the less good."

 

"There won't be any 'less good.' It's all going to be glorious."

 

As Big Klaus's dog-cart took us across the heath I strained my eyes for some glimpse of Eric. A week that day since he had come and shared his secret! He could never mean to let me go without a word. Not till the train was in motion could I give up hope. I stood a moment longer at the window looking back. No sign.

 

I took my seat between Betty and an old gentleman; she and I both too stirred and excited to talk. Betty, half-turned away, looked out of her window,[Pg 246] and I, across her shoulder and over the flying hedges, looked still for a man who might be walking the field-paths, looked for the bright green roof of his Bungalow⁹, looked for the chimneys of the farm.

 

No sign.

 

I sat fighting down my tears.

 

Not an hour of these bustling¹⁰ days had been so full, but I had felt the blank of Eric's silence. And now again I met the ache of loss with: This will teach you! You were dreading¹¹ a little time away. He adds a week to our parting. He doesn't mind. It's only you, poor fool—only you who mind.

 

I looked round, in a sudden terror, lest anyone should be noticing that my eyes were wet.

 

Mercifully, the people were all looking at Betty. I looked at Betty, too. I could not see her eyes, but the nearer cheek was that lovely colour whose name she gave once to an evening sky. We had come up on the top of a knoll¹² and stood for a moment, breathless. My mother had said no painter could get such a colour. And neither were there any words in the language to describe it. For it was not red, not flame, not pink, nor[Pg 247] orange. But Betty, looking steadily¹³, had found the right words for it: "A fiery¹⁴ rose."

 

And that was the colour in Betty's cheeks on the way to London.

 

No wonder people looked at her. There was a man who got out of the first-class carriage next us at every station, and walked by our window. He looked in at Bettina. I was glad our carriage was full. I felt sure, if it had not been, he would have come in. I could see Bettina did not resent the staring. And then I saw her look out of the corner of her eyes.

 

"Bettina!" I whispered. "Don't encourage that strange man to stare in here."

 

"Me?" she said. "What am I doing?"

 

I told her again that she encouraged him. But I was handicapped by not being able to say just how. I admitted that what she did was very slight. But it was enough. "It was what you did to Eddie Monmouth." Then, because she pretended not to understand, I told her that she was falling into bad deceitful ways. I knew she had written to Ranny Dallas.... Yes, and kept writing, though the moment I realised what was going on I wrote to Ranny myself. I said[Pg 248] if any more letters came from him, I should have to tell Betty about the girl in Norfolk. Ranny wrote back that he had told Betty himself! And still they went on corresponding, secretly. I said to her now, that I should hardly be surprised if she was hoping to meet Ranny in London.

 

"Oh, one may 'hope' almost anything," said Betty airily.

 

"Not of a man who is engaged to another girl!"

 

"Yes," said Betty; "as long as he isn't married...."

 

Then, rather frightened, I asked outright¹⁵ if she was really expecting to meet Ranny somewhere.

 

"How can I say? He is fond of the opera," she said in a very superior, grown-up way. "I might happen to see him some night in the throng¹⁶——"

 

"In the throng! Betty," I said. "You have given Ranny Dallas your address."

 

"No," she said; "but I've given it to Tom Courtney."

 

Tom Courtney was Ranny's red-haired friend. "If you had watched," Betty said, "you would[Pg 249] know that I was corresponding with Tom Courtney, too. Chiefly about Ranny. Tom Courtney is a splendid friend. He explains things much better than Ranny can. And then" (Betty's momentary¹⁷ annoyance¹⁸ vanished in laughter)—"then, too, Tom can spell—beautifully!"

 

I refused to laugh.

 

"I knew you'd be horrified," Betty said again, "and that is why I have to keep things from you. You are a sort of nun¹⁹. You never feel as if all your blood had been whipped to a syllabub. And besides——"

 

"Besides?"

 

"I do like nice men. I don't mind their knowing. And I don't mean to be an old maid. You wouldn't care."

 

"You think I wouldn't?" I had no time to say more, for the train stopped. We thought at first we had reached Victoria Station, but it was only Clapham Junction²⁰. The "staring" man passed once more, with a porter behind carrying golf-clubs and portmanteau. Our carriage, too, was emptying. The people stood and reached things down from the racks, and then filed out. When the train went on we were alone.[Pg 250]

 

Betty was still excited, but more grave, even harassed—a look that sat rather pitiful on her babyish face.

 

I moved up close to her again, and I told her there was something I had to say before we got to London. "You and I, you see, we don't know very much, and we get carried away."

 

"You mean me," said Betty. "You are thinking about Eddie Monmouth and——"

 

Then I told her I did not mean her alone. "I don't know how it is," I said, remembering Mr. Whitby-Dawson and Captain Monmouth and Ranny—yes, and others—"I don't know how it is, but girls seem to 'care' more than men do."

 

"I've thought that, too," Bettina said.

 

I said I was sure it was true. Men had so much to do. Life was so full for them ... perhaps that took their minds off. I put my arm round Bettina and held her close. "I am going to confess something," I said, "that most older sisters would deny. But you have got nobody but me. And I have nobody but you. We must help each other."

 

"I shall have Aunt Josephine," Betty reminded me.[Pg 251]

 

"A stranger—and too old besides." I dismissed Aunt Josephine for the particular purpose in view. "I am going to tell you something very—particular." Then, while she looked at the cushions opposite, and I looked out of the window, I told her I had learned from Eric Annan what she had learned through the others. "We'll say it just this once, and never, never again so long as we live! And we may have to deny it," I warned her. "But I think, if I'm honest about it with you, maybe you won't feel that I don't understand ... or that I am, as you say, 'different.' You will feel closer to me," I pleaded. "And maybe we shall both be stronger for that." I waited a moment. I was glad Betty still stared straight in front of her. "We don't only care more than men do," I said. "We need men more than they need us."

 

Bettina turned at that. I felt her eyes on me. Then she looked down and stroked my hand.

 

"I think Mr. Annan does care about you," she said.

 

"A little," I said. "Not enough. Not as I care."

 

Bettina pointed²¹ out that Eric Annan was not so[Pg 252] young as we. "Why, he must be thirty. Perhaps when he was our age"—our eyes met in the new comradeship, and then fell—"he may have taken more interest in—more interest in the things we think about."

 

Then she took it back. "No, no. You may depend it's only girls who are like that—caring so terribly much. I thought it was only me. But if you are like that too, maybe there are others." After a moment: "You were good to tell me," she said. "I don't feel so—unnatural."

 

The train was slowing. The light grew grey. We were in a dim place, between a smoky wall and a rattling²² train going out as we came in. Then the platform, and the porters running along by our windows. "Luggage, miss?"

 

Bettina started up.

 

"Aunt Josephine!"[Pg 253]

 

1 frail   

adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的

参考例句：

• Mrs. Warner is already 96 and too frail to live by herself.华纳太太已经九十六岁了，身体虚弱，不便独居。
• She lay in bed looking particularly frail.她躺在床上，看上去特别虚弱。

2 inevitable   

adj.不可避免的，必然发生的

参考例句：

• Mary was wearing her inevitable large hat.玛丽戴着她总是戴的那顶大帽子。
• The defeat had inevitable consequences for British policy.战败对英国政策不可避免地产生了影响。

3 apprehension   

n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑

参考例句：

• There were still areas of doubt and her apprehension grew.有些地方仍然存疑，于是她越来越担心。
• She is a girl of weak apprehension.她是一个理解力很差的女孩。

4 adaptability   

n.适应性

参考例句：

• It has a wide range of adaptability.它的应用性广。

5 mere   

adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过

参考例句：

• That is a mere repetition of what you said before.那不过是重复了你以前讲的话。
• It's a mere waste of time waiting any longer.再等下去纯粹是浪费时间。

6 loyalty   

n.忠诚，忠心

参考例句：

• She told him the truth from a sense of loyalty.她告诉他真相是出于忠诚。
• His loyalty to his friends was never in doubt.他对朋友的一片忠心从来没受到怀疑。

7 misgiving   

n.疑虑，担忧，害怕

参考例句：

• She had some misgivings about what she was about to do.她对自己即将要做的事情存有一些顾虑。
• The first words of the text filled us with misgiving.正文开头的文字让我们颇为担心。

8 scant   

adj.不充分的，不足的；v.减缩，限制，忽略

参考例句：

• Don't scant the butter when you make a cake.做糕饼时不要吝惜奶油。
• Many mothers pay scant attention to their own needs when their children are small.孩子们小的时候，许多母亲都忽视自己的需求。

9 bungalow   

n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房

参考例句：

• A bungalow does not have an upstairs.平房没有上层。
• The old couple sold that large house and moved into a small bungalow.老两口卖掉了那幢大房子，搬进了小平房。

10 bustling   

adj.喧闹的

参考例句：

• The market was bustling with life. 市场上生机勃勃。
• This district is getting more and more prosperous and bustling. 这一带越来越繁华了。

11 dreading   

v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• She was dreading having to broach the subject of money to her father. 她正在为不得不向父亲提出钱的事犯愁。
• This was the moment he had been dreading. 这是他一直最担心的时刻。

12 knoll   

n.小山，小丘

参考例句：

• Silver had terrible hard work getting up the knoll.对于希尔弗来说，爬上那小山丘真不是件容易事。
• He crawled up a small knoll and surveyed the prospect.他慢腾腾地登上一个小丘，看了看周围的地形。

13 steadily   

adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地

参考例句：

• The scope of man's use of natural resources will steadily grow.人类利用自然资源的广度将日益扩大。
• Our educational reform was steadily led onto the correct path.我们的教学改革慢慢上轨道了。

14 fiery   

adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的

参考例句：

• She has fiery red hair.她有一头火红的头发。
• His fiery speech agitated the crowd.他热情洋溢的讲话激动了群众。

15 outright   

adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的

参考例句：

• If you have a complaint you should tell me outright.如果你有不满意的事，你应该直率地对我说。
• You should persuade her to marry you outright.你应该彻底劝服她嫁给你。

16 throng   

n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集

参考例句：

• A patient throng was waiting in silence.一大群耐心的人在静静地等着。
• The crowds thronged into the mall.人群涌进大厅。

17 momentary   

adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的

参考例句：

• We are in momentary expectation of the arrival of you.我们无时无刻不在盼望你的到来。
• I caught a momentary glimpse of them.我瞥了他们一眼。

18 annoyance   

n.恼怒，生气，烦恼

参考例句：

• Why do you always take your annoyance out on me?为什么你不高兴时总是对我出气？
• I felt annoyance at being teased.我恼恨别人取笑我。

19 nun   

n.修女，尼姑

参考例句：

• I can't believe that the famous singer has become a nun.我无法相信那个著名的歌星已做了修女。
• She shaved her head and became a nun.她削发为尼。

20 junction   

n.连接，接合；交叉点，接合处，枢纽站

参考例句：

• There's a bridge at the junction of the two rivers.两河的汇合处有座桥。
• You must give way when you come to this junction.你到了这个路口必须让路。

21 pointed   

adj.尖的，直截了当的

参考例句：

• He gave me a very sharp pointed pencil.他给我一支削得非常尖的铅笔。
• She wished to show Mrs.John Dashwood by this pointed invitation to her brother.她想通过对达茨伍德夫人提出直截了当的邀请向她的哥哥表示出来。

22 rattling   

adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词

参考例句：

• This book is a rattling good read. 这是一本非常好的读物。
• At that same instant,a deafening explosion set the windows rattling. 正在这时，一声震耳欲聋的爆炸突然袭来，把窗玻璃震得当当地响。