CHAPTER 34 THE END WHICH WAS THE BEGINNING

 They were sorry they had let him come. A new night nurse was sent. Two doctors, now. And, either I dreamed it or, at the worse times, Eric was there as well. But always when I was myself, and the haunted night had given way to day, his face was gone. Yet his care was all about me. The doctors were friends of his; the nurses of his choosing.

 

I cannot explain why, but ferreting out these facts gave me something less than the comfort they might be thought to bring. Why was he troubling about me? Why was he not spending every thought and every hour in trying to find Bettina?

 

Ranny had meant it well, telling me I had something to live for besides Betty, and giving that something a name. But it was an ill turn; a sword in my side for many a day and night. It gave me a ceaseless smart of anger against Eric. I was jealous, too, that it had been Ranny, and not Eric, who had been taking all these journeys.[Pg 342] Ranny had been working day and night. Ranny was the person we owed most to—Betty and I.

 

And was I to lie there, suffocated¹ by all this care, and leave a boy like Ranny (a boy I had expected so little of) to spend himself, soul and substance, for my sister?

 

How dared Eric think that he and I were going to be happy, while Ranny searched the capitals of Europe, and while Bettina....

 

One night, or early morning rather, stands out clear.

 

Vaguely² I remembered a renewed struggle, and a fresh defeat. Now, strangely, unaccountably, I had waked out of deep sleep with a feeling quite safe and sure, at last, that Betty was free.

 

The night-light had burned out. A pearly greyness filled the room.

 

The nurse was sitting by the window, wrapped in a shawl.

 

Her head, leaning against the window-frame, was thrown back as though to look at something.

 

I don't know whether it was the shawl drawn[Pg 343] about drooped³ shoulders, or the association of a lifted face by the window, but I thought of the hop-picker. And of the promise I had made. Yes, and kept.

 

As long as I had been at Duncombe after that haggard woman passed, no other with my knowing had gone hungry away.

 

Not all suffering, then, was utterly⁴ vain.

 

What was the white-capped figure looking at—so steadily⁵, so long?

 

I raised myself on my elbow, and leaned forward till I, too, could see. A tracery of branches, bare, against a clear-coloured sky; and through the crossing lines, a little white moon looked through its sky-lattice into the open window of my room.

 

I got up, so weak I had to cling hold of table and chair, till I stood by the nurse. She was asleep, poor soul! But I hardly noticed her then. I was looking up in a kind of ecstasy⁶, for it seemed to me that a pale young face—not like the Bettina I had known, and still Bettina's face, was leaning down out of Heaven to bring me comfort.

 

But as I looked I saw there was high purpose as well as a world of pity in the face—as though[Pg 344] she would have me know that not in vain her innocence⁷ had borne the burden of sin.

 

And I was full of wondering. Till, suddenly, I realised that not to comfort me alone, nor mainly, was Betty leaning out of heaven ... she was come to do for others what no one had done for her.

 

Then the agony of the sacrifice swept over me afresh. I remembered I had gone back into that last Darkness saying, as I had said ten thousand times before: "Why had this come to Betty?"

 

And now again I asked: "Why had it to be you?"

 

Through the gentle grey of morning Betty seemed to be leading me into the Light. For the answer to my question was that the suffering of evil-doers had never been fruitful as the suffering of the innocent had been.

 

Was there, then, some life-principle in such pain?

 

A voice said: "You shall find in mortal ill, the seed of Immortal⁸ Good."

 

I knelt down by the window and thanked my sister.

 

Others shall thank her, too.

1 suffocated   

（使某人）窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 )； （将某人）闷死； 让人感觉闷热； 憋气

参考例句：

• Many dogs have suffocated in hot cars. 许多狗在热烘烘的汽车里给闷死了。
• I nearly suffocated when the pipe of my breathing apparatus came adrift. 呼吸器上的管子脱落时，我差点给憋死。

2 vaguely   

adv.含糊地，暖昧地

参考例句：

• He had talked vaguely of going to work abroad.他含糊其词地说了到国外工作的事。
• He looked vaguely before him with unseeing eyes.他迷迷糊糊的望着前面，对一切都视而不见。

3 drooped   

弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Her eyelids drooped as if she were on the verge of sleep. 她眼睑低垂好像快要睡着的样子。
• The flowers drooped in the heat of the sun. 花儿晒蔫了。

4 utterly   

adv.完全地，绝对地

参考例句：

• Utterly devoted to the people,he gave his life in saving his patients.他忠于人民，把毕生精力用于挽救患者的生命。
• I was utterly ravished by the way she smiled.她的微笑使我完全陶醉了。

5 steadily   

adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地

参考例句：

• The scope of man's use of natural resources will steadily grow.人类利用自然资源的广度将日益扩大。
• Our educational reform was steadily led onto the correct path.我们的教学改革慢慢上轨道了。

6 ecstasy   

n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷

参考例句：

• He listened to the music with ecstasy.他听音乐听得入了神。
• Speechless with ecstasy,the little boys gazed at the toys.小孩注视着那些玩具，高兴得说不出话来。

7 innocence   

n.无罪；天真；无害

参考例句：

• There was a touching air of innocence about the boy.这个男孩有一种令人感动的天真神情。
• The accused man proved his innocence of the crime.被告人经证实无罪。

8 immortal   

adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的

参考例句：

• The wild cocoa tree is effectively immortal.野生可可树实际上是不会死的。
• The heroes of the people are immortal!人民英雄永垂不朽！